...it would be hard to say I've been anything but a bit of a downer lately...I really, truly am sorry. The irony is the past couple of days "in the real world", I've been this bouncy shiny happy being...it's oddly bi-polar. My pain is ebbing (pushed away by anger) and I've been spending time pushing through some hellish morning work-outs at the gym, walks then cuddling with the dog and hanging with friends who make me feel safe. If I've been remiss in writing, sharing, calling - it'll pass, I'll make you smile again soon, I want to hug you, tell you a dirty joke, mess with your hair, kiss you on your forehead, sucker-punch you in the arm - I want to make you not worry about me, and feel safe that I'll get through this, but needless to say - I know your there and I feel "sure" of you and that's all this queer lil boy trapped in a man's body could ever hope.

I used to rever you...
I'm trying hard to ignore you...
But now I resent you...
I wish that I could forget you...


You have nothing to offer...
You see there is no second chance here...
Theres no looking back now...
You know theres nothing to work out...


It shouldn't be so hard for you to understand....
Why should I wait for you to come around......
there's no way out...theres no way out....theres no way out...


There's no way out


It shouldn't be so hard for you to understand....
there's no way out...theres no way out....theres no way out...
Why should I have to wait for you to come around......
there's no way out...theres no way out....theres no way out...
Can't you see I want my own part of love...
there's no way out...theres no way out....theres no way out...

(From Side 1, Track 11 - just wait a minute til it kicks in - "No Way Out" by Highland from Paul Oakenfeld "Perfecto Presents Another World")

remember that movie "Fargo" by the Coen Brothers - remember the scene where the one guy stuffs the other guy into the wood chipper - tonight I felt like that "other guy" - wood chip anyone? Thanks sweetheart.

Meeting with the "X" for dinner tonight. Not sure why I'm doing this to myself - lately as he works himself through the anger stage he shows little more for me then contempt. It's a funny feeling to be hated by someone who once thought the world began and ended with you - now he can barely speak to me as if I was another human. At times I find myself just tired - mentally and physically exhausted of trying to be understanding, trying to appreciate why he feels this way and needs to be so cold to me. I guess I just wonder why I don't just start going this direction myself - feeding off of all the shitty things he said and did that motivate me to finally say goodbye. I'm trying to be bigger then this - I'm not perfect - far from it - at the end of the relationship I began to chill towards him as well, I shuddered everytime he went to touch me, I dreaded time alone with him, I fought the urges to bite off his head every time he commented on another man.

Embarassingly I have purchased 8 shirts to choose from - hoping to be handsome, but not look like I'm trying. I bought a new pair of Steve Maddens hoping to look cool, trendy, but not like I'm trying. I'll leave work early to have a nice haircut - high and tight - to look clean and younger, but not like I'm trying. My nerves so raw my face keeps breaking out, I'll try to clear or conceal, but not look like I'm trying. It seems so sad, so embarassing how hard I am ... not trying.

I keep sketching out plans for the "Heartbreak Time Machine" - this savior vessel that will teleport me to a future where our hearts have both mended, we've blocked out the arguments and sadness that began to bleed into everyday of our existance. But I can't seem to find all the parts that make the machine work - I can make it fly on paper - I can envision it taking away the pain and whisking it all away to a place that's better...but beyond that all I have to show for the labor is pieces of paper ripped, torn and crumpled - vagrants hanging desolately around a garbage can.

So here I go again stepping into traffic on a busy highway, hoping I'll side-step the semi's, jostle my way around the winnebagos and jump over the convertibles. Know that at some time tonight I'll be in tears, shoulders shaking, head in my hands and I'll be wondering when the time machine will come pick me up - maybe think a good thought for me - wish me through this - even, sketch your own time machine...and pass your thoughtful hand - ever so gently across my cheek to catch the tears before they drop to the ground.

ouch! Had one of my teeth pulled/extracted/yanked/stolen - whatever today - total blood fest....doped to the gils on Vicodien & Valium...need to catch up on email but I'm zoning hard.....be back soon I swear - with a much nicer smile (and NO I'm not getting rid of the gap between my front teeth - I was kinda offended they asked me if I wanted to fix that - I'd lose my rough trade/white trash status!)

Thanks sweetheart for sheperding me back and forth from the dentist - I know you just wanted to see my drooling John Merrick/Elephant Man impersonation... too embarrasing how I always let you see me at my worst - I just must totally fucking adore you or something.

fucking blogger...acting funny...cookies , what?? Here I am ready to hit the town - wish me luck.

...baby steps...in an effort to get some spiritual healing tomorrow I booked myself a day package at the Biltmore Spa tomorrow ....massage, facial, steam (maybe they'll be some action there ;) !!)
...sorry I vented so much yesterday.

Stealing from my adorable cyber-boyfriend here:

Five truths and One lie

Though my first sexual experience with a boy was at 12 and I had several there after, I didn't have an orgasm until 17 when I fucked a high school track star - from a competing school nonetheless - on the bathroom floor of my girlfriends house using Pert Shampoo as lubricant.

I have held a dying man in my arms - unable - in shock to remember the if, whens and hows of CPR.

As a writer/graphic artist I have been published twice once for a Childrens Book at 14 years of age and once for a Coloring Book at 19 years of age.

I have been in 2 porns, one straight, one gay - both under the name Holden Hardon.

I have an irrational fear of being pushed into a pool after being pushed by my bigger brother into a frozen pool and becoming trapped underneatch the ice. and will not stand too close to one at parties for fear that someone will find humor in doing so to me.

To my Ex. Something I forgot to say on the phone today:

Fuckoff Fuckoff Fuckoff Fuckoff Fuckoff
Fuckoff Fuckoff Fuckoff Fuckoff Fuckoff
Fuckoff Fuckoff Fuckoff Fuckoff Fuckoff
Fuckoff Fuckoff Fuckoff Fuckoff Fuckoff
Fuckoff Fuckoff Fuckoff Fuckoff Fuckoff
Fuckoff Fuckoff Fuckoff Fuckoff Fuckoff
Fuckoff Fuckoff Fuckoff Fuckoff Fuckoff
Fuckoff Fuckoff Fuckoff Fuckoff Fuckoff

LEO Horoscope from Free Will Astrology:

I hope you say more goodbyes in the next week than you have in the previous 11 months combined. It's past time, sweet prince or princess, to bid adieu to all the things that no longer serve you -- and even to some things that do serve you but demand too high a price in return. So please say au revoir to your obsolete game plans and adios to your outmoded assumptions. Bark sayonara at your rickety psychological crutches and auf Wiedersehen*at the symbol that reminds you of your deepest resentment. Whisper begone, nuisance at all illusions that divide you against yourself.


Somehow it's there everywhere around me lately...choices, attitude, thoughts, actions, dreams, fears, friends, enemies, I don't think I've turned out to be who I was meant to be - somewhere along a jagged, winding path over many hills (some beautiful, some ugly) - I've ended up this person that I love, but in that way you love the misfit in a drama or very black comedy who means so well but never seems to get it right - who charges in guns blazing, off of misinformation or a desire to be the hero. If I were to be a King - my kingdom would be "The Island of Misfit Toys".

I have a good life, I am lucky - everyone has heartache and grief - but now how do I change ?

how do I make sure I grow ?

How do I weed out some of the darker and damaging forces I've allowed to take root in my life ?

You may not believe it
But I don't believe in miracles anymore
And when I think about it
I don't believe I ever did for sure
All the things I've said in songs
All the purple prose you bought from me
Reality's just black and white
The sentimental things I'd write
Never meant that much to me

I used to be the main express
All steam and whistles heading west
Picking up my pain from door to door
Riding on the storyline
Furnace burning overtime
But this train don't stop,
This train don't stop,
This train don't stop there anymore

You don't need to hear it
But I'm dried up and sick to death of love
If you need to know it
I never really understood that stuff
All the stars and bleeding hearts
All the tears that welled up in my eyes
Never meant a thing to me
Read 'em as they say and weep
I've never felt enough to cry

When I said that I don't care
It really means my engine's breaking down
The chisel chips my heart again
The granite cracks beneath my skin
I crumble into pieces on the ground

This Train Don't Stop There Anymore

Music by Elton John
Lyrics by Bernie Taupin
Available on the album Songs From The West Coast

man - is today - "outpouring of love day" or what....color me "tickle-pink" with some of the really sweet and even better "naughty" emails I have been receiving today.

And why yes maybe I will open up an all you can eat pizza buffet & boxer shorts emporium after all...

hmmm....apparently someone thinks I'm "gross"...response:

Fuck You.

Love & Hugs to the rest.

oh god...well we know you don't read my blog for the "Oprah-esque" insights...pics from my evening alone:

• spanking the monkey
  
• choking the chicken
  
• flogging the bishop
  
• massaging the meat
  
• stretching the staff
  
• rolling the rod
  
• raising the sail
  
• taking a personal moment
  
• finding God
  
• getting to know myself
  
• taking time for personal relief
  
• taming the monster
  
• Where's Waldo?
  
• jerking off
  
• whacking off
  
• solo performance
  
• going blind

...upwards of 2-5 times a day lately I'm indulging in "personal time". Running late for work - wonder why? Didn't get to the gym - wonder why? Staying in tonight - wonder why ? Haven't pursued and MBA - well maybe that is for other reasons...

But I'm starting to wonder how long do I allow myself this post-break-up-masturbation-marathon, seriously when will it affect my desire to even leave the house and start looking for a third hand to do the job...or is it even a sign of a greater depression then I'm dealing with. I mean it's not like I'm replacing endless nights of passion - in the last few months of the relationship the bed saw nothing more exciting than the occassional snoring or bad dream. I'm certainly spending a fortune on DVD porn.

Even now I type this blog with freshly used hands (does that make you feel dirty, baby ?)

Someone tape my hands behind my back.

What a strange weekend. Felt like I had to pull out my "No Drama" defense spray a couple of times. This being single crap is like walking in mud - no matter how hard you try not to track it in to your house it's hard not to. What's the secret to making guys understand that "I'm not looking to date anyone right now" is not a covert phrase for "Meet me at the marriage alter". I don't like to hurt people and try especially hard to be considerate of others who are flattering enough to deem me "groovy", but shit if I don't seem to fuck it up anyway.

The strange and delightful high points of the weekend came the multiple times I got to hang out with the Rickers and the Swish. The best being an impromptu dinner of Pizza by candlelight at my humble abode after some pretty vicious monsoons (Chris tried to warn you Jeff) ripped through the valley and left many of us without power, flooded roads, downed trees, power lines and upwards of 100 cars at the airport smashed by "rolling" garbage dumpsters. Personally I think I did a pretty good jump driving in "zero" visibility - admit it - you were a little nervous eh? Other highlights were: a fairly scandalous trip to see male strippers - uh mum's the word on that sojourn guys, ok? Beer Bust at NuTowne. Gay Country Western Line Dancing at Charlies (we just watched - but Jeff was dying to get out there) and breakfast at the Good Egg (this was after these two tag teamed my virgin ass for what seemed like an eternity - kinda like watching 'Star Wars - Attack of the Clones')

PS - The tattoo went over very, very well...healing really nicely - and yes my very sexy inquirers - I'm staying out of the sun and already am planning on making this one bigger.

soooo, someone got their "first" tattoo, oooooooh - I'm a bad boy.

.....so far you've been lucky....be warned....I now have a cable modem at home which means if i'm drunk...you'll know.

Thanks to Noah & Nicky for saving me tonight...thank you for turning your head as I cried, and cried, and cried...man did I show who I reallly was tonight...did I let it all come forward, or not ??? BIG FUCKING MESS, not so tough am I? Crying, bawling, liike a little girl over my smashed, my broken, heart...

Today's Horoscope:

LEO

Joshua trees, native to the Mojave Desert, are both hardy and delicate. While they may live as long as ten centuries, their flowers blossom just one night each year and can only be pollinated by the Yucca moth. At this moment, Leo, you remind me of a Joshua tree. Very soon, there will be a brief window of opportunity for you to be psychically fertilized, and you will need a specific agent to do the job. If all conditions are right, a blessed awakening will occur. Even if the beauty that sprouts is visible for just a short time, its effects will last for years.


Ok, screw the ice cubes - I guess someone needs to pollinate me, any takers ?

A quick note of CONGRATULATIONS to everyone's favorite unemployed-blogger on his new job.

I still think you should have taking the Head Trainer position at Hooters but that's just so I could see your fuzzy legs in orange satin shorts.

I'm proud of you babe.

Ok - the heat is really, REALLY getting to me.

I'm just becoming (well maybe becoming makes it sound like the beginning stages - when I'm more "Latent") a real bitch (ok, scratch that 'Dick', I hate calling myself a bitch). I have no patience for anything or anyone lately. You would think after all of the hot, dry, sizzling, burn your hand on a door handle, summers I have had in AZ I would be used to this, but compound it with the restless, easily distracted, constantly horny, chronically masturbating, often cranky, unable to complete any project, hand me the bumper, open me a beer - beaaatch, can't fall asleep, but keep oversleeping, attitude I've got going right now - it seems hotter, my back sweater, my balls itchier...

Any one of you big, handsome, sexy boys got an ice-cube they could rub on my ass ?

" I printed the pictures you wanted. Shit - they were rough to look at. You look so happy nestled in among our friends. You always were remarkably beautiful - the blue of your eyes, your flashy smile - I remember how often people commented on handsome you were , funny sometimes how 'second best' that made me feel, stupid huh? Who could imagine that within one week of those photo's it would be over, the past 3 years of my life shared with you - over. I started thinking how many pictures I had of you - how much you loved to have pictures taken of you - how rare it was for you to ask to take a picture of me. Funny - I should have seen something wrong in that - it should have given me a greater sense of unease. Oops there's that damn sound again - What?? - Oh nothing just my heart ripping in half - weird lil fucker does it a couple times a day - chuckle. So getting ready for your big trip away this weekend, huh ? Sure going alone is a good idea - no one to tell you jokes or carry the conversation, ya know - but I suppose your not looking for a joke-teller or a good conversationalist anymore are you ? Well, I need to stop looking at these photo's now because, well because it just hurts too much. I haven't said 'I love you', I haven't said 'I hate you', I haven't said 'I miss you'...but I do. Happy Birthday. Take care - Me"

A couch as a symbol. Never really thought my life would come to this - placing symbolic importance of the direction of my life and emotional well being on a creature-comfort-purchase from Pottery Barn, but my Charleston Slip-Cover Sofa arrived today.

At 32 years old, I have never owned a couch. I mean I've had couches, but they belonged to my roomate, or boyfriend or were a hand-me-down from a friend, but I've never purchased a couch.

When I lived in Milwaukee - my "pretend" couch was the stuff of legends. In lieu of purchasing a couch for my otherwise cool little apartment by the lake - I used an inflatable mattress with a flannel down sleepy bag and 6 huge green pillows - I mean it was the shit for watching movies with friends and kicking back to (um) enjoy video's of the "release" type...but I always found people kinda looking around my apartment like - uh - interesting - NO couch. You see I felt like if I bought a couch I was striking some permanent deal to stay in Milwaukee, and with my boyfriend (ex) 2000 miles away - I figured I would wait til I knew the next step. So somewhere in my head - the couch - became a symbol for the future of my relationship. So today - with the relationship ended and my heart and soul mending - two NOT sexy delivery men showed up at my door (you so KNOW I was hoping for some street-wise urban punks with hard dicks, sweaty butts and loose morals to deliver my couch AND MORE - but oh well) to bring me my consumer delight. I moved it around, adjusted - readjusted - maladjusted - the pillows, hung pictures above it - took them down - rehung them - set lamps on the right - then the left - Oh, ok back to right - for over and hour (shouldn't I be somewhere ? Oh crap - work!).

So now I'm part of the club - Symbolically Important Couches Klub (S.I.C.K.) and I just have one question to ask :

You wanna sit with me on my couch ?

I vented last night, not a little - A FRIGGING LOT. After a few too many glasses of wine - I climbed on the phone to one of my buddies
and ranted
and raved
and cursed
and spewed
- shredding, dicing, chopping - my Ex.

Today - I just felt plain shitty.

That's just not me - or at least not the me I want(ed) to be. I don't want my "ex" back, I don't. But I want to believe that this past 3 years, wasn't for nought (is that really a word or am I inventing them again ??). Would it kill him to pine for me ? To cry out my name at my window in the middle of the night ? To think that losing me was not acceptable ? To fight for me ? To PROVE to me that he was willing to endure slings and arrows to win me back ? But instead he cried for a few days and moved on - he CAN'T have me in his life now - he'll be back and be my friend when he's ready...ok, ok I know time and distance heal all wounds, but I just lost one of my closest friends, the man I thought I would grow old and feeble with ("come hear BABY, let me GUM ya!"), the person who knows every secret, every worry, every story, every dream. I still NEED him, his hugs, his friendship, his thoughts, his advice, his laugh, his concern. And now it's beginning to make me ANGRY, very, VERY ANGRY. I hate this. I feel this sensation pushing up from my stomach, eclipsing my broken heart and forcing, straining to explode out my head. I grit my teeth, I cap my ears, I shut my eyes and I TRY not to let it out, I DONT want to let it free.

...whats happening to me?

A list (of sorts) of random thoughts on my weekend:

• Dinner with the "X" before I left was a disaster, ending in the much loved dramatic exit of the restaurant, looking - much as we were - like another gay couple having a tif.
  
• I rocked NO one's world in Los Angeles this weekend ('cept Drag Queens, that strange tweaker who LOVED all the scars on the back of my head - "Uh HI it's called being hit in the head with a baseball bat - glad it turns you on!", a "once sexy" leather couple who was - well - more 'leathered' than their leather and people who have been til this point my friends and now that I am single may be inclined to think differently of me *one of them is under consideration*) which embarrassingly I have allowed to cast a deep shadow over my self-esteem.
  
• Let's face it booze is fun (Appletini, BEER) , bars are fun (Abbey, Revolver) - but I really would have had a much better time rolling, bumping and dancing at the Mayan.
  
• A near head-on collision, which gave my best friend Patrick no choice but to ram straight into a parked car was NOT the way I wanted to start Pride in LA.
  
• There were some extraordinary men to look at at Pride, but NO ONE brought a smile to my face MORE than getting to see a fuckin adorable Jason...I also had the luck to meet hotties Bruce and the boyfriend(s) (though I admit I was a little buzzed and all the muscle daddies started to look alike)...where the hell were these guys when I was at Faultline Friday and Saturday night looking for tail. Jason was even kind enough to snap a couple pics so check out his site.
  
• My best friend, is my BEST friend, is my best FRIEND, is my BEST FRIEND.
  
• No sex, NONE, not a hummer, a grope, a rim, a pump, a slam - nothing...and all weekend all I could think about is how bad I want to "make-out" with someone, remember making out, I don't. When the clothes don't even come off and it's still hotter (almost) than most sex.
  
• I haven't seen my baby Chris in almost 2 weeks and I am having withdrawals.
  
• The "X" and I began "dog-custody" last week, alternating 1 week stints from Thursday to Thursday (I know, I KNOW, it sounds moronic - but it will be a very ugly fight to decide who gets full custody otherwise), I am sooooooo missing Baby and hearing rustling around at night. Silence sucks.
  
• The nightmares have begun - strange social scenarios played out in my head involving my Ex and acts of redemption - sleeping with friends to spite me, trying to harm my family, burning every love letter I wrote him, telling me he hates me - bad dreams that leave me waking in tears and feeling lost, sad and confused.
  
• I'm horny - not a little - A LOT, I sport wood watching college guys biking to school, I stare at men like a ravenous dog, I need to get it over with - I need a one night stand.
  
• Getting a bit more than a little stressed about the continous outflow of cash - 1 week countdown to my bonus - but rent and car payment to be paid before then - float little check FLOAT.
  
• I'm just rambling now , aren't I ?

"If I was in the fridge...would you open the door?"
"If I was grass would you mow your lawn?"
"If I was your body would you still wear clothes?"


"If I was a booger would you blow your nose, where would you keep it, would you eat it ??"


"I'm just trying to give myself a reason... to be around"


"If I was a porch swing would you let me hang?"
"If I was a dance floor would you shake your thang?"
"If I was a rubber check would you let me bounce, up and down inside your bank account ?"


"Would you trust me not to break you?"


"I'm just trying really hard to make you... notice me being around."


"If I was a haircut would you wear a hat?"
"If I was a maid could I clean your flat?"
"If I was a carpet would you wipe your feet, in time to save me from mud off the street ?"


"If you liked me, if you loved me, would you get down on your feet and scrub me?"


"I'm a little grubby... from just being around."

Lyrics from "Being Around"/Album: "Come on Feel" by The Lemonheads

So would ya ??

>From: XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
>To: XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
>RE: Subject: How are you doing?
>Date: Thu, 20 Jun 2002 02:19:21 -0700


hey handsome, it is nice to hear from you.

I'm rather embarrassed by my message - I hate for people to see or hear me break down. I've been running around in sort of a state of shock/denial/apathy these past three weeks and the break-up has seemed more like a shadow on a summer day - there, but barely. So odd how it came sweeping up on me last night - in the middle of making my first home cooked meal in my new home, my dog slumbering at my feet, a close buddies CD playing in the background, and BAM! - smacked right in the face by such a deep overwhelming need to breakdown - I fell apart, down to my feet in the middle of my kitchen, my dog trying to lick away the tears that just came one after another, straining to hit the ground faster than the last. I tried to play the tough guy one day to long and my mind had enough and just did a number on me. It was at that moment, pulling myself up off the floor I tried so hard to regain composure and I was just gone for an hour. Then the oddest thing happened, there was a knock at my front door and when I went to it - there was this sweet, little old lady at my door with a plate of fresh strawberries - she was my new neighbor...she said nothing about my appearance, or my puffy eyes - she told me she would have baked for me but it was so hot outside (112 degrees- shit), she gave me the strawberries and treats for my dog and we chatted about the neighborhood and how she had lived there for 35 years and how she hoped I wouldn't go (move away) as quickly as the other neighbors seemed to. It was just such a sweet, unexpected moment - I just felt calmer after it...I just knew I would get through this, I would rebuild the parts that felt broken, my heart would mend, and though I know I'll cry again that it will become easier, less draining each time I just let it happen.

Fucking long story huh ? Sorry - your the first one i've told beyond my best friend Patrick. If you read all that gibberish, thanks...you are a good listener and very sweet and very cute....

Thanks for thinking of me. I don't feel comfortable - with anyone - really going into the "WHY's" of why XXXXXX and I broke up, I think that type of behavior is classless, it doesn't bring back your relationship. XXXXXX and I had almost 3 years, I Love him with every fiber of my being, he's my buddy, I will never betray him and will always be there if he needs me no matter how painful it may be to see him - but for whatever reason I have no doubts that we were meant to end.

As for this weekend. I decided to hit LA, Pride will be nice and distracting and it's my best friend Patricks bday...perhaps you boyz might be down for it ? It would be great to see you'all. As for SD Pride I have to admit I might give it up to XXXXXX, he wants to go so badly and it will be painful for him to have me there.

Anyway I just seem to be going on and on (INSERT HERE: Picture of that damn energizer bunny)

Luv ya - Kurt


>From: XXXXXXXXXXXXXX
>To: XXXXXXXXXXXXX
>Subject: How are you doing?
>Date: Thu, 20 Jun 2002 10:19:21 -0700
>
> Good morning Kurt,
> Sorry I wasn't home when you called. Would have
>enjoyed talking to you. Curt told me that you and XXXXXXX broke up. Sorry to
>hear that things didn't work out. You both seemed so happy together. Maybe
>you can still work things out??? Not sure on the details or what
>happen...but hopefully you to are still friends at least. Or maybe you just
>needed to take a break from each other to appreciate each other more. Again
>not sure what happen but I hope you're both in a good place. Are you still
>coming to stay with us during pride? I heard you might be coming even
>sooner. Curt told me you maybe coming this weekend or next. It would be
>great to see you. Anyway hope all is well with you and if you need someone
>to talk to I'm always available. I've been told I'm a great listener. Take
>care big guy and Hopefully I'll hear from you soon.
> Love,
> James :-)

ok, just booked my tickets for THIS.

It just dawned on me that I have never been in LA as a single guy - ever. Every time I have ever been I've had a boy - this will be either really good for my self-esteem of really rough...all those - we think we're too good for you pretty boys, but thats ok I could really go for a hot Leather Daddy right now anyway - I hate to say it but I just want to fuck someone who in no way reminds me of my ex. Plus the double-treat is that it's my best friend Patricks bday and I'll get to wine and dine him.

Anyone know the scoop on "where to be" this weekend, please share.

...keeping above water today (it's a lot easier to float when there are so many people offering you life preservers - THANKS!)

I'm here today. Comfortable inside my skin. Scared shit-less, but feeling more solid. I started my day strong, with an agenda, and came at it full force.

I see the Ex on Thursday...I'm gonna smile, be sincere and be his friend, he's hurting too and I love him and want him to heal as well.

Be prepared. At the end of all this - I'm gonna be fucking FIERCE.

...it crept in this weekend, somewhere behind my eyes, deep inside my thoughts it burrowed in and took root...a melancholy, a despair, a sadness...I met strangers - told clever jokes let them compliment my arms - I made innuendo's...the bumper to the nose, a tab here and then when the rolling stopped - another to keep that despair - the visitor ) or would it become a resident ? - nestled in it's hole. I repeated the statement again and again : "No Lucky and I seperated a couple of weeks back" "What - well - I really don't feel comfortable discussing why - but we have and we're buddies and I'll always love him " Yes thank you - we really did make a cute couple - guess that's kinda not the point now anymore is it though"

crap - this is just gonna suck isn't it?

...why yes dear I did consider "visitations to places of illicit carnal desire" on my way home last night and I did pull my shiny black car into said parking lots and felt a weird thrill being leered at, lusted after and wanted - until I frigging saw how ugly and freaky the muther-fuckers were cruising me. And then oh you should have seen said pathetic little me tearing through the side streets around Central Ave trying to lose one said creepy muther-fucker who followed me and kept beckoning me to roll down my window.

Ugh - let's just have a welcoming party to welcome me back to 'Single-dom", smash me over the head with a bottle of Colt 45, push me over, push the bottle of poppers in my face - deep SNiiiiiiifFFF - drive/pound/drill/ram/plow/hammer that fucking tool up my tight ass (it's been many months - it's gonna burn - but let's get over with !) and then just shoot your hot, sticky loads upon my strong, unbroken back. Done - good. Now what the fuck am I supposed to do??

Happy Hour at 6pm ... pray for their souls, their gonna need it.

...and yes Donald - I DID scream your name...my keeper of the law and the LAW-LESS.

...the fact that people can be kind doesn't astound me, but when you truly feel it's motivated freely from concern, and not gain, I will admit some shock. Once that shock subsides I feel a very gentle, warm feeling, like when my Mom would muss my hair while the family watched 'Cheers' ...an action that said "Hey you - just checking - your here, your OK - good, good."

Thanks to those who have 'mussed my hair over the past 24 hours', it's means a lot to me.

and because I have neglected to say it before, thanks Chris for being the true shoulder to cry on and bitch to. You really are a wonderful, wonderful friend ( and if you move I'll kick your lilly-white, hairy ass).

Hey, what's up...kinda disappeared on ya didn't I ??

See, I didn't mean to but I'm afraid something very sad has happened - my relationship of almost three years (2 years, 8 1/2 months, but it just gets so old saying that and then people just hear the "Two" part and totally discount the following 8 and 1/2 months) came to an end about a week and half ago.

So I've just been processing - or more likely "going through the motions" and avoiding any contact with the stark reality of what had really happened.

Have you ever done that ?? Made sure you only watched "comedies", listened to "cheerful dance songs" and tried to stay so busy there wasn't time to think.

It's funny though - theres always time to think.

You lay there "alone" (but for some weird reason you still only stay on "your" side of the bed) in the new, supposedly comfortable, but seemingly impossible to sleep on, bed (an unexpected purchase) and no matter how tired you are from moving to your own place and trying to explain (but not "explain" ) to your friends and family what went wrong - when did the happily (how embarrassing how I had told so many friends - soon to be married, or at least engaged) couple stop being 'happy', you don't sleep - you think. Questioning yourself like a B-Rate Movie Actor in a cheesy detective movie questioning a witness from a line-up. Motive? Weapon? Cause of Death?

Since Saturday, my first day in my new house, I kept wanting to fire-up the laptop buried somewhere among the boxes and explain where I've been, tell the story of what happened, where it all took a turn, why at 32 - I now need to learn how to attach the adjective "Single" to the description of who I am again. But instead I bought a couch at Pottery Barn, I began painting what will be my office some fancy-name for Blue by Ralph Lauren, I spent over a thousand dollars at Target buying plates and glasses and linens and pots & pans and ....well, you get the picture. Driving by the house we were having built that had just come to contract and we were to sign on four hours before we broke up. Life runs an odd, jagged path across our heart, through our mind and around our soul sometimes doesn't it ?

So I'm not sure if I'll really lay it out - it seems wrong for some reason - no matter how close I have come to some of my blogger buddies to wring out my heart on this pulsing computer screen, to admit failure, to cry on a keyboard...

...but for those of you who wondered, or worried:

I'm here, I'm around, I'm back.

Not sure why I'm so into my horoscope lately - you ever feel like your looking for the meaning of your life in cereal boxes and soup cans ??

LEO (July 23-Aug 22)

Week of May 30, 2002

Before proceeding any further, please arrange for a bright companion to rub your shoulders while thinking tender thoughts about you. This is no joke. I urge you not to read on until you are feeling well-loved and appreciated. Why? Because it will drive home the point that you are most likely to express your full potential in the coming week if you are steeped in the sympathetic influences of people who see the best in you. Don't just wait around and hope for this to come your way by accident. Get out there and make it happen.

hmmmm...

LEO (July 23-Aug 22)

Week of May 23, 2002

Have you heard of Johannes Jensen, Salvatore Quasimodo, Roger Martin Du Gard, or Frans Eemil Sillanpaa? It's doubtful. I'll tell you what they have in common: They all won the Nobel Prize for Literature, but their books are out of print and hard to find. Let this be your starting point in the coming week as you evaluate what you're truly worth. Here are some other questions to ponder. Do you really need to be acknowledged for your greatness in order to feel successful? Do others' opinions count for more than your own when you measure your value? Are you more eager to gain the approval of so-called "important people" than of the folks whose lives are entwined with yours? Is fame worth squat?


Courtesy of Free Will Astrology

Suffering from Work Attention Defecit Syndrome today......the weather has dipped down into the 80's which is a treat to say the least. Getting ready to take off to San Diego for a friends 40th bash and Memorial Weekend frivolity and tonight even more exciting - going to see Peter Bogdanovich's Cats Meow with the proverbial "Cat's Meow".

No one quite does "woeful" like my puppy-dog "Baby", if you don't believe me please refer to 'Exhibit A' ...




Every morning without fail the second I climb into the shower she commences with the sighing and languishing arround. Her body language cries out:

"Bastard - your leaving me again"
"What about play time - what about MY doggie needs??"
"Whose gonna throw the ball, uh ? Did ya think about that Mr. BIGSHOT???"

Now I know it''s possible that these just may be the voices in my head - but ohhhhhh you know she's thinking some killer thoughts, and look at those eyes, the toy gingerly held between her front paws - dammit you beautiful angel - how you torture your daddy so.....

Well technically 368 days ago and close to 25,000 visitors later, this strange lil offshoot of my cerebreal spew came forth. Originally this site was meant to take my mind off of the acute loneliness I felt being 2000 miles from my boyfriend (at that point a relationship with a questionable destiny). I had made many amazing friends in Milwaukee and Chicago and in some ways I was pretending to have the time of my life - but I never felt more alone.
Coming home to my empty apartment, inhaling every drug I could - once with very close to lethal consequences, and mostly just putting on a shiny, happy exterior to co-workers and friends to hide how empty the contents were behind the shell. There were some moments - at night - sitting in the dark before the glow of my laptop - writing and rewriting an entry, exposing myself, my thoughts, my life...that I felt more alive then I had at any other moment. Despair and isolation would ebb away as I would read other bloggers (friends) and exchange email and IM's with them about some of the most personal moments in our lives.

My blog isn't genius, it rarely provides pearls of wisdom and I don't often challenge, or debate the greater issues - but all-in-all it's a pretty honest reflection of me.
If I've made you chuckle, made you smile, made you think (hell even given you a chubby)...that's nice to know.

Anyway Happy Birthday to me, Happy Birthday to me...lil HCL is getting older, wiser, happier...happy birth-day to meeeeeeeee.

Whew....the stress level in this office today makes a NASA launch seem as simple as undoing my trousers to launch my own rocket and think of Shwish

Crap - felling like i'm getting smacked by a thousand red, rubber dodge balls at once...trying hard to stand my ground. I hate when office "situations" occur and then everyone has to run their background checks to figure who fucked up...tiring to say the least.




On other plains I think I may have some sort of nostalgia disorder...I'm currently in heavy rotation of the best of albums of Saint Etienne, Prefab Sprout and The Beautiful South , I mean I know the kids are still making new music out there so is there soemthing wrong with me for not listening to it ??

My head hurts....

..had lunch with Chris today - followed by a need to stroke my own cock - um, I mean - SHIT CHRIS ROCKS!!!

uh Hey sexy muther-fuker....will you take a ride in my BMW - boy ????

I spend numerous hours a night just thinking - not brilliant thoughts, great poetic verses or concept-shattering,algorithms - just stream-of-conciousness ramblings, concerns, worries, anxieties, aspirations, desires, fantasies, reveries...these moments of thought, seem more like a great (ok - not so great - but usable) piece of machinery from the 1940's Industrial Propoganda adverts - all cogs, whistles and noisy, black parts - processing widgets. I get lost watching the widgets be pressed and shaped (designed in an irregular pattern to match their creator) and racing down the conveyor - my boyfriend frustrated stands on the sideline calling out to me "Dinners Ready", "Did you feed the dog?", "Can we have sex?" - and I just don't hear him, I forget where I am in a book, I miss half of the episode of 'Will and Grace" (...why is Karen dressed up as a magicians helper anyway??) and invariably I piss off my boyfriend. And in the end the widgets get spit down different tubes and those tubes turned out to be mismarked - "Cairo??? That part was going to Toledo?" - and I lose track of even why I was thinking this hard in the first place. Sometimes this aspect - this part of me - frustrates me (and others), sometimes it soothes me, sometimes it frightens me and sometimes...

What?? I don't know ? What was I saying anyway......

...well, went to "LA" over the weekend - that drive is killer at 5 hrs each way (if you dont get lost once in Los Angeles - which I did)...we did have a wonderful time seeing Patrick (why is it best friends never seem to live in the same city - is this secretly how you manage to stay best friends ?) - I would say the best parts of the weekend were hanging at the Abbey enjoying lunch, beer and friendship on Saturday afternoon and chilling at Here that evening (what a freak show - a very pretty "look at me I'm pretending to be rich, hung and powerful - and may be one or all of the above" - freak show, but a freak show none the less.)

People in LA are without a doubt the most unapproachable in the continental United States (comparing to say SFO, Chicago, Seattle, San Diego, New York and Phoenix - I haven't been to Atlanta or New Orleans yet - HINT, HINT!), not venting here but really, whats with all the chips on the shoulders and one-ups-man-SHIT. The bartender at the Abbey who really was so soothing to the eyes and at first seemed a twirling blend of apathy, disdain and charm - immediately said "Your not a LA boy are you?!", when I told him my boyfriend and I were from elsewhere he offered the Northern Midwest - "We just seemed more like those type of guys", still not sure if I was being complimented or not. Must be a "LA" thing.

Anyway here are me and my best buddies (my boyfriend and Patrick):

...since allergies seem to be crushing my head and the social schedule is flexing it's muscle and since the pooch is Irish again (uh, regular - ya know what I mean - PS thanks for the advice Jockhomo ) I'm afraid I don't have much blogging time....going to RENT tonight (ok, I know it's been around forever and I should just running around screamming "ooooooh - I looooooved 'CATS') but we don't do theater much and we're trying to turn over a new leaf - sooooo anyway I got us good seats, we're going on a date - nuf said. Then off to 'LA' (hey - THEY call it that not me) for a quick weekend road trip - maybe I'll catch site of this sweet boy

...and still running late in my updates of frivilous events with dynamic friends - here are pics from AZ Gay Pride 2002:

...crazy week...hellish business trip to Los Angeles and no fun, hopefully back there this weekend for a road trip but the dog (poor BABY) has been sick - shit everywhere and I mean everywhere. Parvo test came back negative - thank god since it turns out our pet insurance was bunk and they weren't underwritten to cover us in AZ - what bullshit (we would have ended up paying upwards of $400 smackers a day for her care for close to seven days)...of course we're still a little baffled what it was allergies? flu? parasite? DT's ?? not sure.
...anyway I'm among the living...be good.

...uh, never mind...much better now....

....ok there...shit...high as a kite am I.....dude...I am..the boy is asleep, the Baby is asleep and me - well - shit - keep that fucking bullet out of my nose.

it is soooooo weird to troll the blogs high......

I miss Charlie, I hope your doing welll.....

spiral.hole.kitty.dig.complete.

Happy-Happy, Joy-Joy ....I finally have my USB cable back and I am now trying to catch up on three events worth of pictures. So anyway while I'm trying to be a dutiful buddy and get them off to my friends, I thought I would throw up a few from the White Party (and YES sooner or later we did leave the hotel room - FUN-FUN)

inspired by mobile homes, country music and a taste for the deep-fried, I bring you last nights
WHITE TRASH DINNER MENU
2 bags of Totino's Pizza Rolls
1 bag of Mozzarella Sticks
1 box of 1 million Deep-Fried Ravioli (I exaggerated, maybe it was less than a box)
1 bottle of Moet & Chandon White Star
and some salad (there had to be something natural to tease the digestive tract with)

Lucky and I bought, baked, ate then stared with complete revulsion at this unbelievable cuisine, though tempted to wear Daisy Dukes to dinner I resisted. Then we settled in for David Lynch's "Mulholland Drive" in "kitty-vision" (which I swear actually made more sense from a plot standpoint this time though I still see three-to-four different themes criss-crossing the picture).

...and I must ask, am I the only guy alive who wishes he could tivo every episode of "Mystery Science Theater 2000" ??? (and I don't even have Tivo).

oh John
I haven't slept with any of the same people (YET), I was just illustrating the point that if we all wrote down every name of every person we knew in every state, we would have ended up having
slept with,
fought with,
broken up with,
fallen in love with,
had a good time with,
gone to school with,
danced at a party with,
..... I know your all getting the point....
at least one of them.

It's that whole Six Degrees of Seperation thing (but tighter - though doesn't Stockard Channing rock to some sort of infinite power)....and NO for the love of GOD - let's not have a meme about posting the names of every person we know in every state, etc. - we'll play this game hypothetically.

On a more (or less) interesting note, besides just charming the pants off of me during our email dialogue of the other day Mr. Brown and I came up with an interesting idea for a competitor to the secondary love of my life's "Swishy" and Max's well received "Burn, Baby, Burn" CD deal.

Ready:




Oh, come on nowwwwwwww....you know your so curious! We create lists of bloggers who will send each other their new or used boxers/briefs/banana hammocks/jocks/panties/etc, all for the perverse amusement and pleasure of another blogger.... BJ - I know you'll be down with this idea.

What, huh ???
How can you SAY that, this idea is ahead of it TIME, Brilliant I say - BRILLIANT!!!!!
Your just being judgemental and cruel - TERRIBLY CRUEL!
What????
Oh yeah well I guess the dirty underwear part IS kinda sick - that was Johns doing .

Have a great weekend!

A One Act Play by HCL:

(The Scene): A innocent looking coffee-house close to the college campus, young, attractive bohemians milling about, laughing, debating and enjoying the warm, spring night.

(The Time): The not so distant past (last night in fact)

(The Characters):

Teel : Seemingly new to the ways of the world, but suspiciously satisfied with the taste of ANYTHING deep-fried in a vat of oil.

Encorswish - Somehow sweet and jaded, kind but cruel, alluring but disturbing all at the same time, he fixes his steely eyes upon you in a gaze that says "I have lint in my belly-button", seducatively he draws on his cigarette and huffs "I DONT NEED no stinkin man!"

HCL - The Dawg, dangerous and horny, sniffing legs and butts...his whimper a casual impulse, his bite - more often more than he can chew.

(The Music): Circa 1978 ' blaring "Deep Throat" (Bum-ding-a-Ching-CHING)

(Action!)

encorswish: "Dude, (smoke, draw, puff)...uh why are you sniffing my ass?"

teel: "Hey Chris - this, is uh, making me a little nervous - do you think he can put his pants back on ?"

hcl: "Ruff-Ruff!"

teel "Chris he's humping my leg - for the LOVE OF GOD make HIM SToooooooooooop!"

encorswish: (Now reclining nude - think "Bodecelli") "Better you than me kid"

hcl: (slurping noises too disgusting to imagine)

teel: "Ple-ase- Chris d-ont let meeee go this waaaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyy......."
(An errie silence envelops the stage)

encorswish: "well another one bites the dust"

hcl: (smiling, deliriously happy) "I love Rim-O-Rama night at the coffeehouse"


(Curtain Falls)

Hey boys had a really fun time bullshitting with ya last night - thanks for the rim job.

(EDITORS NOTE: No bloggers were harmed in the production of this National Public Radio special event, we now return you to "Talk of the Tongue" with Diane Reems)

Things I could talk about (sung to the strains of Ms. Bonnie Tyler’s “Total Eclipse of the Heart” – uh, not really, but I mean if you really want to and can figure out how – well, hey, go for it ….damn - your good.) :

• What a fantastic time we had with our absolutely adorable and appreciative houseguests from San Diego over Pride weekend.
  
• The unbelievable heat (high 90’s) this weekend which made our absolutely adorable houseguests a bit queasy (Ok – one threw up) and a little cranky at moments.
  
• A wonderful Pride breakfast where I wowed everyone with the best Bloody Mary’s on this earth (I stir them with something special), then many beers at Pride Fest, then back to house to swim – drink more beer, eat pizza, then Mr. Presta’s AMAZING - fermented for 12 hours - Sangria in the pool with an unsuspecting straight couple and 10 fags, more bloody mary’s, sangria, beer, naps, then dinner at My Florist, lots of wine, a little fight with the boyfriend (white liquor makes us both feisty and irish), the Amsterdam for Martini’s, Mandarin and Tonics and Rasberry Ale, then Warren Gluck (at the space formerly known as Crowbar – now DWNTWN) and more beer, a lot of chance meetings from my dating/hook-up past and then two really, really abnormally large horsepills disguised as X (or was it the other way around)....
  
• Naseau, not a little, A LOT, an unbelievable nerve-racking amount of naseau that started around 4am on Saturday and lasted all day on Sunday forcing me to no-show Roland Belmares Tea Dance put on by Ms. Noah Williams and Friends. Sorry - buddy.
  
• Laying in the fetal position thinking “WOW – X-Files really sucks ass now” and wondering how to raise my head to eat a Zesta saltine, while my loving boyfriend made me soup and pet my head.
  
• Our adorable dog BABY who wowed everyone with what a sweet, well-behaved lover she was…I searched all guest bags on the way out to make sure she hadn’t been confiscated.
  
• A nightmarish time working through 1099R's and other forms - using shitty HR Block online which subsequently screwed up and sent my taxes on the 16th - uh, anyone know anything about tax penalties for filing late ?? (Amount the IRS buttfucked me for - without a gentlemens reach-around - $1200)
  
• Needing a rest from it all for awhile – butching it up this weekend and taking my boy, my dad and my dads best friend to see the Diamondbacks play this Sunday (seats – Black-Tie, behind home plate : My DAD is gonna shit)
  
• Having coffee and a rim job (don't pretend that's not what your after) with arizona's most alluring blogger and some MYSTERY blogger tonight - do I smell hot 3 way (Rim Jobs for EVERYONE - Horray!!!!) ???

WARNING: this one's site always makes you really friggin horny - which sucks when your trapped behind the desk and can't do shit about it.

Have a great weekend everyone.

chomp, chomp, chomp, chomp, chew, chew......
Another stirring sports controversy has captured the attention of my state and many others

SPIT


Arizona Gay Pride is this saturday so we have 4 wonderful house guests galor from both San Diego and Denver. Should be a good - and exhausting weekend - coming up with little gifts for the guests and a Bloody Mary Breakfast on Saturday before the Parade should get everyone started off on a lively foot.

hmmmmm...seems I've been "bitch-slapped" ....Joe - Buddy - I think you took the materialistic references to objects in my blog a little to seriously, but your point is appreciated - god knows someone needs to try and keep me in check *grins*. Please understand if you've read me long enough, I'm a lower middle-class kid, who put himself through college, whose parents have never bought him a car (and how I always envied my friends who just got handed the keys to the BMWer and then complained about how distant Mummy and Daddy were to them. I EARNED that lake-side apartment and SUV through straight A's in college despite waiting tables til midnight and then getting up early to work as a grunt on a landscaping crew, I cater-waitered, ran errands, did side projects, and took out a lot of student loans...I even posed in the raw for a national magazine when all my funds ran out - and ensued the embarrassment and slings and arrows of that decision. All of this to have these things (meaningless in the greater persepective of the love for my boyfriend, my friends, my family, my dog) pulled out of my hands after only having them for 11 months - because the very wealthy owners of my agency wanted to STAY wealthy - and rolling over my carcass and putting me on unemployment meant nothing to them. NO not all Fags are rich, but some work their asses off for 32 years working everyday for a minimum of 40 hours since the first day they could, trying to never take the easy way out, trying to make everyday a hard day worked and maybe, luckily in the end of it all ending up not rich, but pretty well off - but RICH in spirit and integrity YET STILL WEALTHY in friends and in hope.
'nuf said.

wow - BLURRRRRRRRRRR - where the heck did the rest of the week go. Lord knows my ass never saw the gym. I worked my butt of this week, and let me tell you - when my boss handed me that bonus check yesterday I went and sat in my car (my piece of shit Toyota which is sooooooooooo on it's way out the door after seeing THAT bonus check - BMW baby!) , I called my Mom and told her I had gotten it and I just started sobbing...I was so embarrassed I had to get off the phone and fast. I felt like the whole shitty year was whacking me in the back of the head. All the rejections, all the false leads, all the god-damn cover letters and resumes, giving up my adorable lake-side apartment, giving up my SUV, giving up all the friends I had to work so hard to make and were so easy to maintain, coming back to Arizona like a wounded dog with his tail between his legs, the thousand questions: "Found a job yet??", "Are you looking EVERYWHERE?", "Are you sure your not being to picky?", the fake-sympathy-smiles from my bosses as I was escorted out of the agency the day I was laid-off, all the doubters among me wondering (was it maybe somehow my fault I had been laid off??), the months of scraping by, the self-doubt, the self-loathing, the embarrassment, the humility, canceling parties, avoiding calls, laying low and now finally THIS.

FUCK THE MOTHER FUCKING CORPORATE SACK OF SHITS WHO THOUGHT THEY BROKE MY SPIRIT, FUCK THEIR BULLSHIT PRAISE AND SMALL MINDS!!!!!I

I took a risk, I choose the path not ventured (at least for me) and I'm loving it, I'm free and I'm gonna make more money then I have ever, ever made in my life.

Damn - if I could even explain how good this feels. *grins*

ok - yeah, I'm back - what a roller-coaster ride...so, so much fun, but admittedly by the end I was sick of dancing, sick of not sleeping, sick of people groping, bumping, knocking into me, asking for a bump, asking for a drink, asking for a hit, but never returning the favor...sick of having tons of people streaming in and out of the hotel room like it was a dorm, finding strangers (COMPLETE - How the fuck did YOU get in here - STRANGERS) crashed on our floor, and well, so many stories - some completely outlandish criticisms on the human condition and how some people weren't raised in a barn - but a Crack House.

But Lucky and I always come back more together, more a cohesive unit, more in love and more sure that we are lucky to be a couple and not relishing the wildness (well we were pretty wild ourselves) of our single friends. Lots of private jokes and private memories, and this year one other thing - something special, a first - that brought us even closer together than I ever thought we good be.

And there are pictures and they will be aired like dirty, dirty laundry - but for now it's the end of the quarter - I want a BIG BIG bonus, so much to do, much to do.

.....so it begins, scrambling to finish A/R, A/P reports for work, last minute double-duty efforts at the gym, frantic orders placed for, um, supplies, the bevy of "Hey can we crash in your room for just the night", "Hey what hotel are you at?" "What are you wearing to the Military/Afterhours/Pool/White/Afterhours/Pool/Sunset Tea/Closing/Party?", "Hey are you by the pool - can you get us in for the pool parties", "Do I look fat in this bathing suit - WHY YES, YES YOU DO"...

I'm smart enough to see through all the crap, this is big boy popularity camp, grown men - professionals of all walks - converging for a weekend to oogle, cruise, drink, party, dance, sun, hook-up, make friends, laugh, share, make memories - it's not earth-shattering, it's not for the betterment of all mankind, but shit - its a lot of crazy fun - and if you didn't know it, I've had some real shit thrown my way this year and I plan to dance and have fun til all that crap sweats out of my pores, all that hurt rolls off of my back and that smile spreads so far accross my face it gets lost somewhere behind my ears....

I'm tan, buff, fresh new barber cut (though I'll go in for one more #1 before Friday morning)...physically I look pretty good - more meat in the waist then I would hope, but at 172lbs (as of this morning) I've put on muscle and seen a slight decrease in belly jelly.

I'll be high on life, friends and stuff you pay for come Fri-Sat-Sun-Monday - so I wish you all well this Easter Weekend.

Til then: Palm Springs, baby, Palm-fucking-SPRINGS.

From Free Will Astrology :

LEO (July 23-Aug 22)


Week of March 21, 2002

I think you should be removed from civilized society for a while. You've gotten too tame; you've been hypnotized by the conventional wisdom. If I had my way, you'd be temporarily relocated to your very own wild kingdom. Picture a thousand acres of natural beauty where you'd be excused from all the artificial rhythms and soul-sucking customs you have become far too accustomed to. Imagine what it might be like to let the animal within you run around and play. I'm reminded of a phrase by Jungian storyteller Clarissa Pinkola Estes: "homesick for wild knowing." That's what you are, Leo.

Weird - I dreamt the other night I had become "boring". not invisible. not dying. not The King of Spain, but just "boring". In the dream I was in a bathhouse/bookstore type environment (ok - I truly SWEAR my entire life hasn't been some 'Letter to Fag Penthouse' though it may seem that way) and this boy was trying to coax me into a stall where in turn another boy in the adjoining stall - seen through a glory hole - was waving his solid 10 inch cock and trying to get us to both partake. In lieu of my standard uniform of tight-insert clever, ambigiously gay, sexual slogan here- tshirt, snug, worn jeans and heavy - kick some ass - shoes, I was dressed Preppy, very Preppy (think 'Sixteen Candles' - I AM THE KING OF THE GEEKS! thank you very much) and well, I just kept walking. I came back once and peeked and remembered just feeling bored.
And well then the alarm went off and I woke up.

Do you just wake up one day and you've become boring??

There I sat last night - feeling the itch to Blog - to share, to unburden my weary soul - and just watched that damn evil-eye "OH YES, YES we're watching you" AOL Icon spin deliriously in circles - wink-wave-wink-wave, and then time-out....really do all Bloggers log on at 9pm (MST) just to ruin things for me and my pathetic 56k modem ?


And then suddenly the man who has kidnapped my husband and has the libido of a 19 year old Morman on his first mission (riding their bikes isn't the only thing they ride on those 2 year trips of spreading Mr. Smith's love - Gods little SUNBEAM my ass - horny little bastards) demanded sex...crap sex on a Monday Night - a MONDAY night for Christ Sake - I felt like I was in a porno - AND I LIKED IT! Thank god I convinced the captain of the rocket ship that this mission was for the good of mankind (considering well - his "attitude" of late), but man the mission was a complete success, NASA called in to congratulate and the alien residing in my boyfriend wants a rematch tonight.


Oh to be young again.

PS - Noah if you friggin bring this post up at the gym in front of said husband - I will never get laid again ! Shhhhhhhhhhh........


PSS - Have I mentioned how much I missed you

Ok...I haven't even begun to read all the other Bloggers takes on the Diane Sawyer interview with Rosie last night so my jist of it is as untainted and as personal at this point as it's gonna be.


Maybe I'm just a sucker, but at several points during the two-hour broadcast I just wanted to cry - especially during any of the interviews with the Lofton Family and their kids.


My mother was an orphan - beyond the proverbial baby in the basket - she "literally" was the baby in the basket (along with a paternal twin sister who she was immediately seperated from and did not meet again til her early 20's) left at the door of an orphanage in Washington state. My mother was a byproduct of the foster care system of the 40s and the 50s, passed from home to home. Some nice, some abusive, some just cold. She a beautiful (literally - this woman was a HOTTIE), talented, intelligent, good-natured and kind young lady was - never adopted, never someones daughter, someones sister - she was denied that love and I can still see to this day - in her words and her actions - how it haunts her.


When representative Ball from Florida spoke - it was not only infuriating, not only ridiculous, but absolutely depressing. This man doesn't strike me as stupid, that's the depressing part (I have always naively believed that intelligent people are able to see the Right Wing Bullshit Rhetoric for what it is - HATE) - but foolish - so mired down in conservative, black-and-white, rules are rules, let me use religion as my crutch for having no real opinions of my own. Even conceding that what the Lofton's had done was "commendable", but still wanting to wash those actions clean for the sake of his rules and his horrifyingly stereotypical description of what a Mother & Father are like and represent that would have sent any Woman Rights follower looking for a gun.


I am NOT a role model for gays. Yes I have a great job, I'm funny, I'm educated, play well with others, fall into that so-called and poorly described "straight-acting" category...but lets face it, I hit the GENRE statistic - I've slept around, I use drugs for recreation, I attend circuit parties, I've played in the bath houses and the bookstores - this does not change the fact that I still think I'm a HELLUVA guy to know - but I'm no role model.


I want kids, but NOT yet, I spent my early years a very serious young man trying to be a gay man my family and friends would be proud of, then I traveled and learned about life outside the US, then I went to college late, and now SLOWLY I am settling down. I have found the man I want to spend the rest of my life with, we have gotten a dog, we are looking for a home to call OURS.


But as of right now - I AM THE TYPE OF FAG THAT THE CHRISTIAN COALITION IS AFRAID WILL BUTTFUCK THEIR SONS STRAIGHT TO HELL.


But there are so many of you out there who aren't - I think of Aaron and of Beau. These guys seem like they would make AMAZING fathers.


And you know one day I'll leave my selfish phase and I'll want to hear that pitter-patter of a little boy or girl, to teach them how to draw, make up songs, play in the grass, get dirty...

and I just want to know that when I get there...

that I can.

 


I had a HUGE treat last night when my best friend since college - Victoria - made a surprise visit to Phoenix from La Jolla. LOTS of wine, our FAVORITE restaurant and our FAVORITE men made it really easy to ignore how shitty the waiter was and how expensive the check was.

At first it was a strange warm feeling stirring inside my stomach - DAMN is that the Chili from last night ??, but then the sensation washed over me all warm and fuzzy (no I wasn't on X, that was Saturday night - BYE-BYE CroBar - SING IT! another bar bites the dust, and another one does, and another one does, another bar bites the dust HEY! ) - I felt it creep through my Big Star Jeans - filling my new - really awesome Steve Hammond brown suede, green leather, bowling striped sneakers and then zinging straight through every available blood vessel like a starship rocketing to my heart. Awesome amounts of blood pumping - nearly causing a cardiovascular overload I haven't experienced since I watched all Real World Seattle episodes back-to-back on a marathon weekend (SLAP that SICK bitch you CLOSET HOMO!)....

I have arrived....
I am a flutter...
I AM ON HIS FAVORITES LIST

hmmmm....the interesting referral/key word search phrase of the day seems to be:

FURRY PORN

Now one would normally think that this would be an immediate link to, well, you know who...but it just left me thinking how many other possible - alternative - sites it could pull up, suddenly I'm picturing naked bunnies, smoking cigs, wearing harnesses - seductively daring you to "Fuck Like A Rabbit", Overstuffed Teddy Bears forced into unnatural positions against the better grace of God, FAO Schwartz and natural fiber and worst of all - Ziefried & Roy wearing diamond studded-cock rings, purring and lisping sexual innuendo to a frightened, caged cheetah while prancing around in white, mink coats.

...I guess I now know why my mother also said an overactive imagination is a very bad thing indeed.

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

ok - it is quit possible I am a dipshit - why oh why are only my archives since 2002 not working ?

Page Not Found

I haven't changed the formatting of my links, 'cept 2001 to 2002....Ok this is everyones chance to show me how dense I am - all slams will be responded to.

Leo Horoscope for Today: March 6th, 2002

"Celebrate your special contributions rather than be ashamed of them. What you hold in your hand is really quite special, and shows a side of you that reveals not only your taste, but your complexity. Quit thinking that you don't deserve the joy that is coming your way. The more willing you are to appreciate your uniqueness, the more you can appreciate others. "

Not sure why I find this soooo funny, but I read it after my last post and well, it kinda rubbed me the right way - no pun intended (well - I mean - not completely).

...distracted....

sometimes, the WORLD OF THE BLOG (sounds so ominious - like the idea of Jerry Springer doing a nude scene) is just distracting. Like an itch I promise myself I'm just gonna scratch briefly and then every few seconds I'm scratching at it til I can't remember where the particular itch began and the scratching ended...I used to be this way about jerking off - yes Choire, many, many kittens have died at my proverbial hands - I would be languishing around bored - or home from a drunken night on the town - and I would pop-in a Falcon/Colt/HotHouse/Buckshot porn and start choking Mr. Happy. The itch that just couldn't be scratched enough. I would crawl into bed, or go about my errands, or whatever fit the scenario and then maybe 10 minutes, maybe and hour, I would be yanking my pants down and massaging my member again - lube in one hand, poppers in the other (oh how RETRO!) ...

besides the fact I'm a deviant - why am I writing about this ? because I haven't been feeling the itch much for a couple of months now - almost could care less - and it's spreading .... am I denying the existance of a massive depression hiding inside my button-fly 501's, did I turn some weird sexual corner and not even notice, would I rather have a bumper up my nose and float in the clouds ? a couple of months ago I was "SUPER-CHARGED" - the Energizer Bunny wrote me fan letters, GM wanted to stick me inside their engine (actually that sounds kinda sexy) and my boyfriend never looked at me funny.

The Rocket still lifts off strong and solid, still can shoot to the stars and beyond - but suddenly the pilot just doesn't even feel like flipping on the controls, hitting the propolsion and venturing out in to outer space...

What gives Super Friends ???

...my roomate pointed out to me this morning that he (and the trick he brought home last night) found great humor to come home last night at midnight (he was working overtime to have a trick that "early" - just kidding) to find me and Baby curled up watching "Texas Chainsaw Massacre II" by ourselves. Ok - bestow me the honor - "Worst Waste of a Saturday Night" but honestly after an afternoon of Margarita's at Hamburger Mary's, Fresh Baked Kitty at Noahs and then this DREADFUL movie...I wanted me/down time - no matter how it was spent.

The world axis now tilts towards Swiss Cheese.

Probably the most easily, enjoyable part of my weekend actually was hanging with you - buddy.
BTW - check out Scott at Sardonic-Bomb...you gotta love a guy who has a site section titled "PIGGY".

   Just a slightly beefcake-ish shot in case my boyfriend is reading while he's 3000 miles away.

   I miss you, babe....

    whoops...

uh ....not sure how this cutie showed up on my referral log - but I think I might have a bit of a crush on him ;)
Don't worry boyfriend - your safe - he'll just think (at 32) that I'm a dirty old man *grins*
embarrasingly nice web design and an easy face to look at - all of 19 - oh to be that young again.

Psssssst - I can buy ya beer (wink-wink, nudge-nudge)....

....I'm missing my boy something fierce.

....my last blog really set some peoples fires.

....I'm afraid this ONE must be lying dead in a ditch or something (wearing a sundress no less) since he no showed Roscoes for beer.

....felt pretty good about the fact that hitting the gym 6 days a week for the past 3 weeks was showing last night, my size SMALL "Peterbilt" shirt received many favorable remarks

....actually had someone (recollectively) refer to me (in my youth) as such a serious and introspective looking young man (does that just mean "unapproachable")

....dinner party tonight and I'm really just feeling blue and blah and just want to cuddle my dog (and pet the kitty)

....it's Friday and I'm itching to get the heck out of here and it's, well, only 9:26am

My boy takes off for Parsippany NJ tonight to go to the christening (which I admittedly thought was pronounced "Chrish-nen", so I probably didn't spell it right either) of his new neice. In some ways gay relationships are like a little dance step - one forward/one back. More frightening than the Macarena and more complicated than the Tango.

While Lucky's parents have finally met me (July), and seem to approve of me, I am invited to "nothing" - not Christmas, not Thanksgiving, not Birthdays and well, not, Christenings.

I think family and friends spend so much time in the first few years of a loved one coming out (Lucky, I mean) selfishly wondering how "THEY" are coping with it, they lose all sense of common decency and etiquette.

I have been with my boyfriend for almost 2.5 years, we have lived together going on 9 months, we are buying a house together, I am spending the rest of my life with him - but somewhere, somehow society has deemed it ok, loved ones of the man I love have deemed it ok and even strangers to us both have deemed it ok - that how "I" feel doesn't really matter much, what "I" want is acceptable as long as not spoken and surely what "I" need isn't important enough to ruffle a few feathers.

Really this isn't directly anyones "fault", but it's just a damn shame....

I really would make a wonderful Son-In-Law.

From the time I was a precocious, little youngster - to rebellious, idealistic teenager - to full-blown "not always exciting" adulthood I have envisioned shaping my life through the choice of many dream careers and professions.

The question "What are YOU going to be when you grow up?" was never lost on me, never silent, a combination of aspiration, enthusiasm and Torrets would come spewing forth with answers like the following:

Age 4-6: Fireman - well now I just want to sleep with one and wear the uniforms.

Age 7-10: Superhero - of course my super powers were "super human strength" and "x-ray vision"...sigh, I still want to be a Superhero - of course at 32 I feel a little uncomfortable wearing tights.

Age 11-12: World Renowned Chef - the problem is I only "really" enjoyed making party platters and hor-deurves, damned to be a "Hostess"

Age 13-15: Wall Street Stock Broker - I had way too much time on my hands envisioning myself as the real "Alex P. Keaton"

Age 16-19: Free-Lance Journalist covering World Events - I was going to cover the world as it changed and evolved, thus helping others to change and evolve.

Age 20-32: Businessman - I just wanted to be able to pay back my student loans.

Present: A happy, productive, caring, generous human.

I bring all this up now because I spent the last few years of high school and first two years of community college wanting nothing more than to be a journalist - what I saw as a combination of gung-ho hero, altruist, rebel, scholar, peacekeeper and enlightened soul. Night after night my mother would cut out articles about journalists being kidnapped, tortured and murdered - "this will be your fate" she would worriedly exclaim. But If you can remember how strongly you felt things (the things you truly first BELIEVED in those early years of adulthood) - you'll understand why I so wanted to pursue that dream despite my parents wishes, and then how last night the tears welled up in the corners of my eyes when I heard they had slit Daniel Pearls throat.

No "cause" is better than another "cause"

No"religion" is more justified in it's barbaric actions than another "religion" - barbaric actions are just that BARBARIC.

If "there's" is the "WRONG/EVIL" side and "yours" is the "RIGHT/GOOD" side, than easily when you stand in "their" shoes it's just the exact opposite

Let's face it - murder is murder - truth like that is simple.

....i'm curious - when the fuck did it become the 21st of February ???
Suddenly the next big holidays are Easter, Memorial Day, July 4th (the first two relative to circuit parties - White Party & IML and the last my loving boyfriends birthday)....but I mean "Hey SLOW DOWN already!".....

I thought it was just yesterday I was packing up 30 years of my life to move away to pursue the pinnacle of my professional success in Milwaukee, NOPE, yesterday turned out to be a gut-wrenching (but short lived break-up with the love of my life as a 2000 mile distance crushed our resolve), OOPS, NO AGAIN, yesterday was one of the most special conversations of my life where Lucky & I realized we could only possibly envision growing old with each other, OR - HOLD IT! - NO, yesterday was the sad, downward-spiralling of my life as I was laid off from a job for the first time in my life and I moved 2000 miles across the country (leaving so many new and absolutely wonderful friends behind) to move in with my boyfriend.....but, NO, as of TODAY, Yesterday has changed AGAIN, and seems to keep changing at a dizzying speed.

Guess it just makes me wonder what TOMORROW is going to be all about ?

What a terrificly fun weekend of friends, substance abuse, dancing, substance abuse, flirting, substance abuse, sex...well you get the picture. I can't believe I'm at work - I am so sneaking out of here early (since the boss is wandering the streets of Serrento, Italy looking for pizza and afternoon movie or Bloody Mary with friends may be in order).
Had a really enjoyable breakfast with everyones favorite anagram - encorswish. You have to spend time with Chris to know how much fun he is - and later we took him back to our place and did him doggy-style (just joking - wink-wink, nugde-nudge).
Trying to recover from a great weekend and sapped energy - where are mothers miracle pills - hmmmm?

Oh you, have I ever told you how giddy you make me - what??? NO - your joking with me, stop that - HEY that tickles - you cute, silly tease

you've had my eye for quite some time now.

I've been spending my days toying with the irresistible idea of you and me - while so many daily duldrum facets of the day wash away - escaping me

So well you know I think your beautiful and I mean from the inside out - ya know

and well I think your neat - not just a little but crud, more than Sea Monkeys

SO I guess what I'm trying to ask - trying to be the first to inquire.....

well, will you...maybe, would you...perhaps, could you.... Be My Valentine ???

Hmmmmmmm....the big day is looming close. I'm watching that mailbox - will there be chocolates ????

hold it....if I was gonna be an answer to a question...couldn't the question have been:

"Most willing to be the Midwest filling between East (Choire) Meets West (Philo) ?"

I mean with the boyfriends permission and all

Congrats on the 100,000 hit.

40 days to White Party. I feel pretty fat to be wearing white, maybe a Blue Party would appear more slimming.

boss is gone, busting ass, taking names...what - WHAT???? You want a piece of me ??????

Ok, uh, yeah....where ya wanna start - SMOOCH

Choire one of the demigods (wink-wink, nudge-nudge - girlish daydream style sigh) of the web - finally read Crumpled Dollar Bills .....hmmm such pressure to write something even more memorable.

needed a change...

.....hmmmmmm, but what does it say about this hangover?

You are a very sensitive person and you try hard - (perhaps a little too hard) - to make favourable impressions and to be recognised by your peers... But you have that inherent need to feel appreciated and admired. You are easily hurt if all of your endeavours go by unappreciated or not acknowledged. stop trying so hard

You are very talented, imaginative and sensitive; but you are holding back as you do not really like going it "on your own"... In preference you would like to team up with someone, someone with similar attributes as your own ... to explore .. to seek out and go perhaps "where no other man has trod before" ... It is the unusual that attracts you and which will give you a sense of excitement and adventure.

"Compromise" is the name of the game at this time...and it is the only way by means of which you can avoid being deprived of the love and affection you so rightly deserve...so soften up a little.. be flexible.

The tension that you are experiencing at this time is perhaps due to physical and/or mental frustration. It would appear that you are not appreciated and as a consequence the situation is most disagreeable. You seek personal recognition and the appreciation of others to compensate for the lack of like minded people with whom to ally yourself. You would like to surrender and merge with others ... but your inherent self-restraint makes it difficult for you to open up. This disturbs you as you regard such instincts as weaknesses to be overcome. You want to be liked, admired and appreciated for yourself.

You need to be respected as an exceptional individual. This is the only way that you can hope to achieve the status that you wish to achieve. You set yourself very high standards ... and come what may ... you abide by them.

Source Colorgenics

hangover.....


 

Why, oh why, do these search phrases pull up my site ??

• Hot and Sexy Katie Couric
  
• baby acrylic sweater
  
• mary tyler moore bare feet

PS - 8LDJ thanks for the emails - i thought you deserved something honest in return ;)

...the last week - actually scratch that - the last year, of my life has made the proverbial "life as a rollercoaster" analogy seem far too tame to capture the ups, the downs, the random whipping about, thrusting forward - then upside down - then rightside again.

Somehow after a summer of professional drought, after many periods - some brief, some not - of complete self doubt - I managed to receive two job offers in one day on Thursday. There was no level of comparison between the two - one corporate, one not. I mulled this one over with as much frivolity as an Ingmar Bergman film.

BUT...I realized something. There are NO unbreakable paths. There are no decisions that will so foreshadow the future of your life that you can never put it back on track again. If you are a resilent, clever, brave and a resourceful individual you will uncover opportunity within all your obstacles.

So I stayed with the non-corporate job (now finally with a defined salary and bonus structure - deep sigh of relief). If it doesn't work out - well - it just doesn't. I'll start over, move on and make my way somewhere else.

It's just nice to be done with it all for now.