Saturday, July 21, 2001

OK - last night was the first big night back on the town - man, I just can't drink like I'm 21 anymore - my stomach is planning a protest that makes the G8 summit demonstrations seem tame.

I need to learn to curb my jealousy - I felt the green-eyed monster creep up on numerous occassions when guys would approach my boyfriend - who knew him in my absence (some "knew" him way too well for my taste but we both agreed an open relationship was the only way to manage the 2000 mile distance) - it's just so frigging hard to come face-to-face with these people and see that feeling of intimacy or "knowing" them seemed to have of the man who is the love of my life, my everything. I know it's just sex, I'm more secure with myself then this but man did I start feeling like just crawling inside myself and turning off the lights.

Topping the overwhelming queasy sensation was running into my boyfriends ex. When you just move in with someone - the last thing you want a reminder of is the last person they lived with. My normal selfless/sadomasochistic side made me encourage my boyfriend to be friendly and speak to his ex, of course then I felt myself closing up as I just stood there watching them talk and thought "Shit, don't let us become that - please I never want to use the word ex-boyfriend again".

I hate this side of myself - "Do I look fat in this Blog??" I hate being insecure, wondering what the other guys thoughts are, worrying my boyfriend may not have completely sowed his oats, worrying that I may not be's natural, it will pass - right?

I need some time to settle in here, get my bearings straight, I feel like I'm at a party and I don't know the host - ya know where you keep going up to everyone at the party being overly nice because your worried you'll accidently be rude to the person whose house your in, walking on eggshells...I hope I figure out whose holding this shing-ding soon.
I am sick of hearing about Chandra Levy - I assure the media there ARE other people missing in this world.

Thursday, July 19, 2001

Well got in safe and sound on Tuesday night around 8pm...It was so odd driving through the mountain pass coming down from Flagstaff, AZ. A huge storm had started over Phoenix and from my vantage point I saw both the dark and ominous clouds as they gathered and poured forth rain and the huge, vibrant full rainbow that this storm created. As Paul Oakenfeld's remake of Vangelis's Blade Runner Soundtrack played on my car stereo it was hard not to have a rather spiritual moment. I hope this was a sign of something fortuitous - beauty breaking through and being brought forth by a tumultuous storm.

Very little time to blog right now. trying to incorporate my life with Lucky's - for the couple's out there - advice is appreciated - you should see the look on his face when I started hanging all my clothes (INSERT HERE: self descriptive word "clothes horse"). Grocery shopping as a couple "living-together" was oddly fun and very sweet.
I love him, we will figure out how to cohabitate, with a couple of scratches and bruises on our personal space and need to control along the way.

Gotta go - must find a job and go visit the folks.

Monday, July 16, 2001

Blogs from the Road, Travel's NOT with Charlie, The Road THAT WAS Taken:

So it's done. How odd. Suddenly it was just done. I stood in my little Milwaukee downtown city apartment and went from room to room and shut off the light and closed the door. I cleaned like Lady Macbeth - "out,out damn spot", it wasn't til much later I realized I wasn't cleaning an apartment but trying to control the moment. I didn't control getting laid off, I wasn't necessarily moving back to AZ on my own terms, my goodbyes and going away parties didn't necessarily go off as planned - but I could control how clean I made this apartment and for some cathartic need - I made it shine.

I realized something about all that has happened. I do not own all of the situations that lead to this moment, but I do own my actions that I take regarding this moment, I will survive, then I will start over, then I will triumph - I mean I am a Leo for goodness(or badness) sakes.

So I climbed on the Interstate 94 about 10pm - logic said just go to bed and start in the morning, but I didn't want to wake up in Milwaukee. I wanted to wake up (as I did), miles away. So here I sit typing to you in a Motel 6 (I spotted Donald Trump in the very next room ordering in) in Bloomington. IL. (dead-center in the middle of Illinois off of the 55 Interstate). I'm going to go grab a cup of coffee and some eats and then it's back on the road, a long day of driving ahead for me.

Think of me, ok? 2000 miles is a lot of terrain to fuck up in - get cut off by a madman and end up in a ditch, have my car have a blowout - who knows, but think a good thought - "Get me to my boyfriend, my new life, my new home, in one piece".

Happy trails.