Saturday, March 15, 2003

...I lost the coin toss.

The small, dingy quarter made of copper-nickel, flipped up in the air - careless and unaware of what it's outcome could mean to me:

joy or heartbreak.

It had come to this, two bickering exboyfriends trying to decide the fate and ownership of their mutally much loved dog. I shouldn't have risked it, I should have taken her and let it go to court, I should of hit him - broken every bone in his arrogant, pompous, spoiled brat little body. But I wanted to be fair, he wouldn't give her up. So as the words heated and the hurts laid open in both our eyes. I flipped a coin.

Have you ever really looked at a quarter ?

The "Heads" side, the silhouette of George Washington, with seven capitalized words above his head: " L I B E R T Y". Would we find freedom after this ? Would I have my liberty ? This coin was minted in 1985. What was important to me in 1985? I was about to start my sophomore year of high school - so probably boys, punk music, getting stoned and getting a drivers license. Did I ever think that one day I would be standing in the middle of my living room on an overcast March day flipping a coin to decide the fate of the dog I had raised from a puppy with my ex. The "Tails" side features the bold eagle, the name of our country and the words that I'm sorry I just can't believe in: IN GOD WE TRUST. I'm gonna get slammed for saying that - sorry, we all feel differently about things and I don't trust what I don't believe in.

He chose "Heads", my mind raced a little trying to remember the odd's of "Tails" - was it ever really a 50/50 chance for me ? I looked down at her - all excited to see me, her brown eyes embracing me, tail wagging feverishly. I leaned into her and kissed the tip of her cold, wet black nose. She kissed me back quickly, loving her Daddy. Who would wake me in the morning at 7am? Who would cuddle close, sharing my pillows in the dark? How would I ever go to the dog park with any dog but this ?

The coin hit the ground - and my heart hit the floor. I had lost. I had lost Baby forever. As he shook my hand I mumbled how I would send him all the paperwork for the pet insurance and dog license, I stared numbly into his eyes - and below the surface, behind my eyes - in the backroom of my mind - I was screaming. I HATE YOU, YOU FUCKING BASTARD. I didn't say goodbye to her, he whisked her out the door. At the door we both mumbled how we hadn't wanted it to come to this I assured him he would give her a wonderful home. The voice from the backroom kept screaming, incessantly bellowing: I FUCKING HATE YOU. I softly asked him to "just go away and let me move on with my life" and shut the heavy, black metal security door. I walked back inside and sat in front of the tv and cried.

Thursday, March 13, 2003

March 14, 2003

You have to stay active. You'd probably lose your mind if you sat still for too long. Whether or not there's business afoot, you'll probably pursue pleasure instead. In fact, with the Stars encouraging fun, it will be a component of whatever you do. You are, after all, the Lion, sleek and vibrant, always in search of your prey. Maybe that means you're at the top of your game. If you really want this adventure to heat up, bring along your mate. And if this is about finding companionship, you'll end up with someone beyond your wildest dreams.

Hmmmm....see, my horoscope says I "should" be going out every night ( *grins* )

I swear I didn't write it myself.

Wednesday, March 12, 2003

The longer version of below
Hope. Anxiety. Despair. Anger. Frustration. Hate. Joy. Elation. Desire. Lust. Fear.

I’m Reeling. Oscillating. Wavering. Floundering. Dancing. Flying. Bouncing.

Seconds. Minutes. Hours. Days. Never the same, seemingly unique to each other – emotions and feelings with twisting DNA, changing form, texture, meaning and substance.

I keep throwing myself into anything. Dates. Parties. Dancing. Drinking.

I want to Fuck. Flirt. Kiss. Rim. Caress. Pound. Hold. Soothe. Excite. Cuddle.

I Breathe. I Cry. I Scream. I Laugh. I Dream.

I Fall Down. I Stand Back Up.

I’m burning.

Can you see the flickering of my flame ?
Powered by audblogHear me ramble about absolutely-fucking-nothing

Monday, March 10, 2003

So I should try and string together a full paragraph and astound you with my literary prowness, but instead I'll just make a grammitically-appaling, bullet point list of my meandering thoughts:
  • I'm at peace with this break-up, it was the right thing, at the right time.
  • Running into Lucky (literally) on the dance floor at the Black Party at the Ice House was unnerving to say the least.
  • Made more unnerving by the fact that N. convinced me to do Shrooms for the first time (there really fun he said) - Bullshit. I was a wreck.
  • Plus I was a wreck in full 'leather daddy' gear - Trooper hat, harness, cuff restraints, arm bands, military pants - Lucky didnt even know who I was at first.
  • I have gone out every night since last Monday. Every night has been way beyond normal. There's such a surreal vibe good and bad to what is happening.
  • We only went as a group this weekend. Shopping for our leather for Saturday night. To go dancing. To sunday beer bust. Everyone coming to my house for beers before we went out - it was nice.
  • I have this drawer in my kitchen where I've started dumping the phone numbers I'm getting, I find myself paralyzed when I go to call a new guy - what do I tell him? How do I warn him not to get in over his head with me? Is it ok to want him, to fuck him, to hold him - if I don't want a future with him?
  • I tried a one night stand on Thursday - he was a complete out-of-towner coming all the way from New Zealand - it was sloppy and drunken and completely sucked. We did next to nothing but he spent about 2 hours trying to get his hands, fingers and dick up my ass. Why do people take "tops" home thinking their gonna go "ok - sure". Dumb Ass. I managed to kick him out, but had to drive him back to where he was staying - I got to work on one hour of sleep and still had the whole weekend of partying to go.
  • They were handing out cards at the party on Saturday warning about a syphillis outbreak in Phoenix. Great - just dandy.
  • I'm going out to dinner with a really nice guy tonight, handsome, sexy, built, smart, educated - and I'm pounding my head against the wall wondering if this is completely insane. Do I tell him before or after dinner that this can go nowhere. That I'll go to my bedroom with him but can't date him.
  • I have another guy - hot swarthy muther-fucker I have lusted for for a long, long time who asked me to go home with him last night - I wanted to - god I wanted to but I chickened out.
  • Then there the friends - those guys who start making thoughts and feeling known. That get me all nervous and wondering will anyone just be there for me - be my friend.
  • I had the one unfortunate instance with a friend whose a porn star who I adore and recognize as incredibly hot who became visibly angry with me and stormed off on Saturday night after explaining that his boyfriend had given him permission to have one hot night of no hassle hot dirty sex with me - meanwhile the shrooms are making the whole wall behind him do crazy messed up shit - and he takes my "I really can't talk about this right now" and lack of erection when he shoves his hand down my pants - as a turn down.
  • I'm jacking off constantly, 3-5 times a day - it's the only time I feel in control, peaceful and unthreatened.
  • The whole bullshit deal with the trial is over.
  • I worry about my ex reading this site.
  • I worry about hurting someone in all of this dating shit.
  • I worry I have no idea what I'm doing.
  • I worry that I'm gonna pick up an STD if I sleep with any of these guys.
  • I worry that I haven't cried yet. I worry that Lucky has. I know when we looked at each other on Saturday and dance within feet of each other - that we were trying to read each others minds. You could feel it though - it was over. Complete, resolute, permanently over.