I'm one of those dumb shmucks who admits all his faults (like I would rip Augusten Burroughs out of rehab and stuff my cock down his throat - AND THEN tell him maybe I'm not good enough for him)...

This is the pic I put on Gay-waste-alot-of-my-friggin-time.com and well yeah the torso was looking pretty sweet - but as a college "reality" major - the tummy is well a little more bearish. A lot of boozing, fast food, comfort food and for the first time in my entire life - a complete lack of working out - well I look like a pretty straight guy - 'cept the pretty and definately except the straight.

Maybe the Keebler Elves will want to bone me...

So as mentioned by the biggest reason to be a top, I kinda double-posted the last entry - alright, ALRIGHT I was a little shook up, I mean first the gray chest hairs, then the NY Post makes a mistake and the one of the Olsen twins falls from grace - it's been a hard week!

So I went for sissy, fancy drinks at a high end straight bar with my best friend from Arizona who pointed out a few things to me:

• I become incredibly distant when I'm hurting
  
• That I'm lousy at returning phone calls
  
• Money has become my only motivator
  

To this I thought - well shit - nothing makes me happier than ignoring close friends and buying pretty things..ok, I'm joking (well except for when I'm butin Etro or Paul Smith, I get all catatonic and shit)...yeah, I've become a dick, yes I've become an overwhelming, obnoxious drunk and your right; I've been spending alot of time hurting. I also spend a lot of time reading and working and with my dogs and working on my house - I'm just trying to survive this summer and the 1 year anniversary (on friggin Friday the 13th - no less)...and if I haven't mentioned NYC is the unlikely city to host me, my fucked up emotions and my 35th bday come August 14th (book your Florida time shares NOW)

So I really need to choke the beast SO, I leave you with this list:

Remember when....

• You could say Kajagoogoo and people didn't think you had sneezed
  
• Kitty Dukakis wasn't a drag name - just an apllicant at Betty Ford
  
• Bush was the worst threat to the global economy, gays, liberals, free-thinkers...oh, well I guess never mind that one.
  
• People actually thought Ronald Reagan was leading this country - well I mean forget about that one to - that's just plain silly!
  
• Nothing said "I love you" like a mixed tape.
  
• Your parents were concerned you might get a girl pregnant - hahahahahhahahahah - yeah like butt-babies live!
  
• You thought you were misunderstood - uh, well I mean present company excepted (and yeah how many of us thought it was - "present company accepted")
  
• The Olsen Twins WERE cute and loveable
  
• Paris was a place in Texas (ok, ok - France for you fancy folk) and Nikki was a cute greek, buy in your American Government class
  

Ok - done - commence personal fondling - NOW!

(dance - a little, yeah to the right, now shake a little to the left)

I got stood up tonight, er -uh - STOOD UP.

I'll turn 35 in August and I find myself reflective - have I ever been blown off before ?

I mean certainly, I have - admit it everyone has, even if the uneasy other party later claims a "misunderstanding" - you know like the "temporary insanity defense" !

Though I have to admit - it brought on the worst hour of two Woody Allen nerousy (I'm kinda making that word up, or I just spelled it terribly!).
Here hows it goes (uh, please respect me after this - it's really pathetic):

Background Situation: Saturday Nite SL and I are out causing some trouble; we meet some pretty YOUNG things at Hamburger Mary's (INSERT HERE: Oh HCL, will you ever learn??), well after a lil lip-lock with said pretty boy and damn really he was fucking sweet and pretty - he ASKS if he can give me his number, I may be goin on 35 - but I swear they still call this a come-on.
Well I read through my SWINGERS manuscript and decide two days is a coolio amount to wait, I call yesterday and we arrange a dinner date for 7pm tonight - I mean, really - tell me know already if you didn't mean yes.

ANYWAY - so I call on my home from work to ask where he would like to go - Elements, Pizzeria Bianco, Fermier, T Cooks - i mean this guy (uh, ME)is an awesome and genrous first date, and - er, well, with all embarrassment and humility, the boy never calls back - and since I never bother to hold back on this site I will admit to you I even took my new Motorola cell in the shower - hiding it behind a shampoo bottle so I wouldn't miss my ringer.
I feel like a fucking tool.

So I get ready - don my new Dolce and Gabbana shirt and Big Star jeans - and well, kinda look at the clock. Tick - Dork - Tock- Friggin Loser.

So then the nerves kick in:

• I see it, he brags to his friend we're going on a date - his friend in mock horror says "Oh Gawddddd, not him - he put his last boyfriend in a grave not him!"
• He recalls that maybe the last month I took off the gym would mean less entree for him and more for the "tummy monster"
  
• Maybe the AC/DC t-shirt I was wearing when I met him was little TOO retro.
  
• Three words: Male Pattern Baldness
  
• I am cursed, I wanted this date out of sheer horniness "Me See Pretty Boy, Must stick Dick in Pretty Boy!"
  
• Many other self-mutilating thoughts.
  

So this is what I managed to do til about 8pm.

Well then I buck up and think - well men suck - but COMMERCE IS ALIVE - and went and bought myself a bright shiny 22 inch (ok, ok - it's 21.3 but we all round up - admit it) flat panel monitor for my computer...I mean, really I SAVED at least $300 on dinner - it was like a discount off the retail price.
Well - my love/sex life sucks - but I have pretty things....

Hmmmmmm, I'll just keep telling myself this is healthy.

...are your REAL?

I admittedly had to giggle - think Catholic Girl, no panties, past her first kiss, well on her way to her first blow job - metallic-braced teeth rubbing on the Catholic Prep Quarterback's cock - giggle...when reading a comment on Joseph's site

I am in fact very real - I can be sexy, stupid, arrogant, charming, intense, pensive, vunerable, depressing, cruel, loving, guillable...but dear anonymous friend - I am very fucking real...I dont make up what I write - I live it, and if you think I wanted to live the past year and half of my life the way I did...well I'm sorry I've confused you.

So I guess I'm not giggling so much as I am thinking - is this who we are, distrusting, uncaring, movie-of-the-week drama queens - your bullshit trumps my bullshit....

I issued this warning over what is now what three years ago - read me if you dare - my vasicillating desire, my pathetic need, my big-hearted hope to humor, charm, woo, freak, fuck, with, piss-off and clear my pysch...is mine

- and ANONYMOUS it is real - oh, so fuckin' real.