Friday, September 13, 2002

Good Enough For Here

I've laid waste to thoughts of my wasted, forgotten, though sometimes enjoyed youth - dispersing the painful, embracing the cheerful and pondering the meaningful.

Lately I find myself looking at myself as if a ancient building, the one on the corner made of well-worn faded red brick. You've passed every day on the way to work for as long as you could remember. But then one day comes and calls upon you - for whatever reason - to know the details of that building - it's heighth, it's age, it's character - and much like that I now often stop and stare at my reflection in the mirror and wonder :

what are you built from ?
what constitutes your foundation?
how strong do you stand?
who lives inside?

I look back on my youth - at 33 I recognize I have so many years ahead of me - but they are the years that will be guided with agressively-gained experience and not with a more innocent and sexual yearning to be broken in.

I look back on the times of my "firsts", always somehow intermingled with the times of heartache - not the kind a man feels, but a boy feels.

So tonight I find myself reflecting on a man named "Sam". He always lead me by at least 8 years of life - and the funny thing with age , you can never catch up. Sam was all things - many of them my idea of perfection - from the smile, to the hair, to the walk, to the cock - and he fell into my life again and again from 17 - 23. To me Sam was the unobtainable - to Sam - I was the "sure thing". An odd mixture - my youthful yearning for what I considered to better than me - and for him, a pup-tent's erection and a few beers south of drunk - I was "good enough for here". He never took me on a date, asked me out to dinner, brought me flowers, or gave me a valentine...but in those five years, I found his mouth on mine, his ass riding my cock, his smile carefully aimed - to win my affection. Book stores, public parks - he would seek me out, fire alive, desire unrequited...but at dinner parties and dance clubs I was the guy against the wall - propped up by his friends. To him I had my time and place and only when I was "good enough for here".

I see him now and then - aging less well, than better.
And I wonder if he knows how much a call the next day might have meant,
a night at the movies could have been magic
and when he smiles at me from across the bar - that smile - I wonder if he knows

....I'm thinking he might not just be "good enough for here".
oh BTW - Hi Fast Pants !
...coming to the end of another day and another week in the land of grueling personal sacrifice....of course I do really like the new Dolce & Gabbana jeans I bought last night - so, ok I'm a sell out, I deserve the empty professional experience. Took my boss and my ex out to dinner last night at "Eleve". It was nice.

....what, oh yeah I mentioned my ex without swearing or crying or ranting or raving, um - when did that come about - well I have been awful quiet now haven't I.

...yes there are details and events and such to explain - but I feel I'll jinx it if I talk about it.

Let's just say this:

I had a date for my brothers wedding in Vegas.
I flew the date up the day of the wedding when I realized I couldn't imagine any other human being in the world standing next to me.
I may have discussed - elements of a subject some people call "reconcilliation" (and I may have even mispelled it) with the date over the next few days.
I am intending to move very slowly - think dating but the person already knows what you like in bed.
I do honestly believe as much as I believed before that I was meant to share my life with this person.

Ok - maybe I could have picked a better day than Friday the 13th to break this news anyway.

Great - bet my readership just flew out the window

Thursday, September 12, 2002

funny...the more active my mind is - often the less likely I am to come forth with the words I need to evoke the rapid relay of sizzling synapses popping in my brain.

the following things - I can safely declare - have not happened in any particular order.

  • I have not come to realize my greater gift to give, or place on this earth.
  • I have not shed the bothersome 10lbs that hangs out with me all summer long - daring, mocking and haranguing me - each time I wish to pull my shirt off.
  • For said reason - I have not sat indian style shirtless in front of anyone for as long as I can remember.
  • I have not made love to a stripper (at least female) while in Vegas, no matter how hot and flirtatious they were.
  • I have not done drugs since the night after Mikes memorial.
  • I have not quit my job and I have not admitted to myself that I can't forsake it for fear of being poor.
  • I have not lost my ability to take everything too personally and feel deeply hurt by the simpliest of actions.
  • I have not fully embraced my mantra "On a High" - though at some moments I feel closer to it than others.
  • I have not spoken of many things in my past that might shock you.
  • I have not spoken of certain things in my now that will surprise you.
  • I have not become any more clever or unique in the preparation of these lists.

Wednesday, September 11, 2002

Monday, September 09, 2002