Friday, August 30, 2002

if she EVEN thinks she's (?) gonna "bitch slap" you - sorry diesel muther-fucker - is gonna get the FAG (me the fag)-BASHING of a life time (that's ok freak, throw together your Burger Closet-Queen salary of $5.25/hr to come to Phoenix and threaten my fucking ass)....Trinity - you frigging rock.

Wednesday, August 28, 2002

In Heavy Rotation: Gym, Car, Shower, Whenever....

  • Coldplay - Rush of Blood to the Head. My Take: Frigging amazing from start to finish, I loved their first album months before it gained any popular, I hope I have the same private time to worship this album before airplay ruins it.

  • Aimee Mann - Lost In Space . My Take: One can never be disappointed with Ms. Mann (actually Mrs Micheal Penn) - the standouts are Moth and It's Not (I wil listen to "It's Not", again and again and again)

  • Duncan Sheik - Daylight. My Take: Lil fucker looks so cute in the hot, urban, artsy nerd way - I know I would tear him up. Mark my words the happy-go-lucky-stomp-on-your-blues-and-let-go-of-your-pain-and-sing-along-with-this-catchy-tune: "On A High", will bring this guy back on the charts with jet propolsion. I won't force the lyrics down your throat - but they are my new mantra.

Tuesday, August 27, 2002

A One Act Play Performed by Heart and Soul

Time - The present.
Place - A single room painted white, each wall with one door and two windows, sunlight frames each window - a light breeze tickling the curtains.

Heart (Kind, gentle, wearing traces of age and a seeming knowledge of loves lost and won) and Soul (Worldy, much older than Heart, somehow troubled and peaceful at the same instant - the more attractive of the two)

Heart: Soul - what is that you hold in your hand ?

Soul: Oh look - do you like it it's a leaf ?

Heart: A leaf, but it's so shiny and perfect - where ever did you find it?

Soul: It's so strange - it's been with me all this time, I can't believe I overlooked it.

Heart: Well it does look new.

Soul: Here take a closer look. (Soul hands Heart the leaf, Heart playfully flips it over)

Heart: WOW! Look Soul...look. It's completely different on this side - there are brillant colors and amazing patterns - I like it even more.

Soul: (smiling) I thought you would.

The curtain closes as the two continue to fuss over all the new things that they will discover.

Monday, August 26, 2002

...and so it begins
of no Consequence:

  • I make mistakes, daily. emotionally. physically.
  • I'm not as good a friend as I used to be - too many - but I am still wonderful to a smaller few.
  • I've finally realized that the smaller few - have never left me - despite the previous two points.
  • I have no idea how to be a Best Man, throw a Bachelor Party and I suck at golf - can I just get points for showing up?
  • I am finally able to admit that learning to give great head at 12 - may have done a little self esteem damage to me at 33.
  • I have forsaken the gym for the past 16 days - I WILL go back tomorrow. I really am a better and happier person for going.
  • I want to honestly laugh and fell happy - things have been so damn depressing lately - I'm changing theme parks and looking for one in PEPPERMINT.
  • One of the seven signs of the Apocolypse is YOU getting a job.
  • I'm going to start saying a lot of goodbyes.
  • I love X & K & G and many other misused letters of the alphabet - but they just aren't making me a better person - so I'm gonna try and make them less a part of my life.
  • I need to stop spending every single penny I have in my checking account - right after I buy the new Aimee Mann CD (it's on SALE at Virgin starting tomorrow!)
  • I'm just like Sprite - "Don't believe the Hype"
  • I'm all cried out.
  • I forsee a lot less circuit parties and tea dances in my future
  • I would love to be part of a reading club or a dinner party group.
  • I love to giggle under the covers with my dog in the middle of the night.
  • Random is better, often more strange and always less committal.
  • I will attempt to grow at least one new friendship this week.
  • I'm already bored - and you soooooo skipped ahead - so I'm stopping now.

Sunday, August 25, 2002

I rolled over in bed to find it was 4AM - where am I ? Nope - it's my comfortable bed, my sleeping dog, I'm all in one piece - then why do I have this horrible feeling...

Oh yeah.
I got drunk.
Not a little.
A lot.
Shouldn't have been driving drunk.
Your smarter than that drunk.
Oh my God what did you say drunk.

I left the memorial and drove to my parents, I sped down their street like a maniac actually causing a neighbor to run into the street cursing me - I thought about egging him on - come fuck with me - see what you get - the misconstrued notion of a a "fag bashing" - this fag - beating the living crap out of some mormon father on his high horse. Pretty, huh?

I burst into my parents house - the remnants of a gentleman - my favorite tie pulled apart - my crisp white dress shirt splattered with red eyes swollen, red, tears spilling forth. Pretty, huh?

I watched the little league championships with my parents, tears streaming down my cheeks - I broke down repeatedly - sobbing. I lost it. Was I crying for Mike, was I crying for Lucky, was I crying for me? It was all blurring together. How much wine had I drunk anyway? ( I was nervous - I remember standing at Noah's - people looking at pictures of Mike - friends crying - why don't I do that? Why can't I feel that? I think I nailed back 2 bottles by myself - there was food - I should eat - but I think I did just want to be drunk - numb.) My parents were kind - they hugged me, they consoled me - their toughest kid, the one who never let's them see what he's feeling - somehow confusing lack of emotion with being butch - somehow convinced that if he acts tough he seems less gay to them (am I suddenly realizing this about myself?). My father notices that I might be just a little bit inebreatiated. He wonders if the one beer I have had since getting to my parents - has had an effect on me. Kinda funny. Kentucky wins the game...I leave. I drive slower this time.

I go back to Noah's - the people staying the night there have switched to pajamas.
Where did you disappear to?
Where did you go?
I think they were watching movies. I can't sit still. I'm fucked up. Their bumping. Not what I need - so I go ahead and do it.
I end up having a very heavy conversation with the one I adore - but wants more than I can offer. The tension between us is terrible. He's really fucked up. Me booze - him K. Two different worlds - doubt the conversation even made sense. I remember feeling moral - emotional - drunk - damn, I'm dreading what I said. And then I think I came on to cute little Bryan - or did I think about what it would be like to come on to cute little Bryan ? Sad - I'm not sure of which. I left - snuck out again. Too fucking messy - can't do this - can't be here. Took off and went home. Pretty, huh?

A long lost friend called from Milwaukee - he'll be in town tomorrow - crap - what did I say - I'm pretty sure I told him I wanted to fuck him while I was here. I'm sure he was as surprised as his boyfriend sitting next to him. I'll apologize tomorrow - to him, to my parents, to the neighbors, to God, to everyone.

I stumbled into bed - pulling my Baby close to me.