if she EVEN thinks she's (?) gonna "bitch slap" you - sorry diesel muther-fucker - is gonna get the FAG (me the fag)-BASHING of a life time (that's ok freak, throw together your Burger Closet-Queen salary of $5.25/hr to come to Phoenix and threaten my fucking ass)....Trinity - you frigging rock.

In Heavy Rotation: Gym, Car, Shower, Whenever....

• Coldplay - Rush of Blood to the Head. My Take: Frigging amazing from start to finish, I loved their first album months before it gained any popular, I hope I have the same private time to worship this album before airplay ruins it.
  
  
• Aimee Mann - Lost In Space . My Take: One can never be disappointed with Ms. Mann (actually Mrs Micheal Penn) - the standouts are Moth and It's Not (I wil listen to "It's Not", again and again and again)
  
  
• Duncan Sheik - Daylight. My Take: Lil fucker looks so cute in the hot, urban, artsy nerd way - I know I would tear him up. Mark my words the happy-go-lucky-stomp-on-your-blues-and-let-go-of-your-pain-and-sing-along-with-this-catchy-tune: "On A High", will bring this guy back on the charts with jet propolsion. I won't force the lyrics down your throat - but they are my new mantra.

A One Act Play Performed by Heart and Soul

Setting:
Time - The present.
Place - A single room painted white, each wall with one door and two windows, sunlight frames each window - a light breeze tickling the curtains.

Characters:
Heart (Kind, gentle, wearing traces of age and a seeming knowledge of loves lost and won) and Soul (Worldy, much older than Heart, somehow troubled and peaceful at the same instant - the more attractive of the two)

Heart: Soul - what is that you hold in your hand ?

Soul: Oh look - do you like it it's a leaf ?

Heart: A leaf, but it's so shiny and perfect - where ever did you find it?

Soul: It's so strange - it's been with me all this time, I can't believe I overlooked it.

Heart: Well it does look new.

Soul: Here take a closer look. (Soul hands Heart the leaf, Heart playfully flips it over)

Heart: WOW! Look Soul...look. It's completely different on this side - there are brillant colors and amazing patterns - I like it even more.

Soul: (smiling) I thought you would.

The curtain closes as the two continue to fuss over all the new things that they will discover.

...and so it begins
A LIST
of no Consequence:

• I make mistakes, daily. emotionally. physically.
  
• I'm not as good a friend as I used to be - too many - but I am still wonderful to a smaller few.
  
• I've finally realized that the smaller few - have never left me - despite the previous two points.
  
• I have no idea how to be a Best Man, throw a Bachelor Party and I suck at golf - can I just get points for showing up?
  
• I am finally able to admit that learning to give great head at 12 - may have done a little self esteem damage to me at 33.
  
• I have forsaken the gym for the past 16 days - I WILL go back tomorrow. I really am a better and happier person for going.
  
• I want to honestly laugh and fell happy - things have been so damn depressing lately - I'm changing theme parks and looking for one in PEPPERMINT.
  
• One of the seven signs of the Apocolypse is YOU getting a job.
  
• I'm going to start saying a lot of goodbyes.
  
• I love X & K & G and many other misused letters of the alphabet - but they just aren't making me a better person - so I'm gonna try and make them less a part of my life.
  
• I need to stop spending every single penny I have in my checking account - right after I buy the new Aimee Mann CD (it's on SALE at Virgin starting tomorrow!)
  
• I'm just like Sprite - "Don't believe the Hype"
  
• I'm all cried out.
  
• I forsee a lot less circuit parties and tea dances in my future
  
• I would love to be part of a reading club or a dinner party group.
  
• I love to giggle under the covers with my dog in the middle of the night.
  
• Random is better, often more strange and always less committal.
  
• I will attempt to grow at least one new friendship this week.
  
• I'm already bored - and you soooooo skipped ahead - so I'm stopping now.

I rolled over in bed to find it was 4AM - where am I ? Nope - it's my comfortable bed, my sleeping dog, I'm all in one piece - then why do I have this horrible feeling...

Oh yeah.
I got drunk.
Not a little.
A lot.
Shouldn't have been driving drunk.
Your smarter than that drunk.
Oh my God what did you say drunk.
fuck,
Fuck,
FUCK.

I left the memorial and drove to my parents, I sped down their street like a maniac actually causing a neighbor to run into the street cursing me - I thought about egging him on - come fuck with me - see what you get - the misconstrued notion of a a "fag bashing" - this fag - beating the living crap out of some mormon father on his high horse. Pretty, huh?

I burst into my parents house - the remnants of a gentleman - my favorite tie pulled apart - my crisp white dress shirt splattered with red wine...my eyes swollen, red, tears spilling forth. Pretty, huh?

I watched the little league championships with my parents, tears streaming down my cheeks - I broke down repeatedly - sobbing. I lost it. Was I crying for Mike, was I crying for Lucky, was I crying for me? It was all blurring together. How much wine had I drunk anyway? ( I was nervous - I remember standing at Noah's - people looking at pictures of Mike - friends crying - why don't I do that? Why can't I feel that? I think I nailed back 2 bottles by myself - there was food - I should eat - but I think I did just want to be drunk - numb.) My parents were kind - they hugged me, they consoled me - their toughest kid, the one who never let's them see what he's feeling - somehow confusing lack of emotion with being butch - somehow convinced that if he acts tough he seems less gay to them (am I suddenly realizing this about myself?). My father notices that I might be just a little bit inebreatiated. He wonders if the one beer I have had since getting to my parents - has had an effect on me. Kinda funny. Kentucky wins the game...I leave. I drive slower this time.

I go back to Noah's - the people staying the night there have switched to pajamas.
Where did you disappear to?
Where did you go?
I think they were watching movies. I can't sit still. I'm fucked up. Their bumping. Not what I need - so I go ahead and do it.
I end up having a very heavy conversation with the one I adore - but wants more than I can offer. The tension between us is terrible. He's really fucked up. Me booze - him K. Two different worlds - doubt the conversation even made sense. I remember feeling moral - emotional - drunk - damn, I'm dreading what I said. And then I think I came on to cute little Bryan - or did I think about what it would be like to come on to cute little Bryan ? Sad - I'm not sure of which. I left - snuck out again. Too fucking messy - can't do this - can't be here. Took off and went home. Pretty, huh?

A long lost friend called from Milwaukee - he'll be in town tomorrow - crap - what did I say - I'm pretty sure I told him I wanted to fuck him while I was here. I'm sure he was as surprised as his boyfriend sitting next to him. I'll apologize tomorrow - to him, to my parents, to the neighbors, to God, to everyone.

I stumbled into bed - pulling my Baby close to me.