Friday, May 30, 2003

uh - you so know you're sexually-harrassing me while I'm at work...

please don't stop.

Wednesday, May 28, 2003

Heeeeeerrrrrrrrrrrreeeeeeee, Piggy-Piggy - here.........................
Life is an endless series of kicks in the ass.

It seems nary a week goes by (did I just the word "nary" ??) that there doesn't seem to be something that makes you stop and think:

"It's just not supposed to make sense is it ?"

Exchanging emails with you today - I felt a subtle deflation of some of the idea's I had breathed air into.

Then I had a conversation with a close friend (Tp).

We had met three years ago at Crowbar- he didn't know me yet, but knew Lucky from the gym. He obviously had a crush and didn't realize when he came up to give Lucky too friendly a hug. That he was next gonna meet me - the boyfriend. I was quick to move to protective boyfriend mode and I'm gonna bash your head in if you lay a paw on him again buddy veneer. He spent the night - not approaching Lucky, but approaching me. Apologetic, and respectful of how much I cared for my boyfriend. A week later - I let him work in on a couple chest sets with me at the gym. We talked : about film (Lynch, Almodovar, Besson, Cronenberg), we talked about art and poetry, architecture and form, we talked about advertising and design, sports and enthusiasms - we talked. He was several years younger and so amazingly unique. Almost ashamed to be attractive he hid behind a shaved head and black framed glasses. He exuded eccentricity and charm in a single breath. In short we became friends - and mutual admirers. In the end - my boyfriend made it clear that the boy who used to have a crush on him - had become too uncomfortably fond of me for his tastes.

Slowly I pushed Tp out of my circle and distanced myself from him - and lost him pretty much altogether. So for the past year there have been a few uncomfortable hello's at parties - Lucky staring him down, me shuffling me feet. I handled this wrong, but we do that - sometimes the one's we brag about we handle effortlessly, and then there are the other ones - we just let slip away. So Sunday night I run into Tp - me giddy and drunk and flirting and having a blast (repeatedly using conjunctions) with my friends and I smack right into Tp. The thing about true friendship - even when it's be severed, soiled or stalled - if it's real, you still know how to read each other. Tp - a huge outdoor enthusiast had been rock climbing the day before with 3 others when his rock-climbing partner had fallen 100 feet. He was in a coma. Everything brushed off of us - any hurt, any confusion - and I held him in the middle of the bar as other patrons shuffled around us - he crying in my arms. Monday, Tp called - they had declared his friend brain dead - he told me he needed me, how much it meant to him that I had been there at that exact moment that he needed me. Tuesday, they pulled the plug. He was only 29. Tonight after the gym Tp and I are going to talk, and though it doesn't need to be said I'm going to apologize that I let him down.

And I think I'll reflect on how much I've lived between 29 and 33, and no matter how rough some of the parts were and how great some of the others were - I lived them.

Life's such a kick in the ass.

Tuesday, May 27, 2003

"Oh darling" she cajoled, "but you look wonderful in drama".

My head is kinda all over the place this past weekend. Maybe it's the heat, both outside - and unfortunately due to a fried compressor, inside my house.
I think - especially for those of us who have been through a plentitude of scorching, southwest summers - that we develop our own version of winter's S.A.D (Seasonal Attitude Disorder - or is it "Depression") - anyway, your patience grows thin in these summer months and your energy level falls to nil.

I want out of here. I want to forget about the house, my career and leave my memories of Lucky behind.

I've worked alot on myself over the past 9 months (yes, "therapy" dears) - I had been walking around with a lot of anger, even more self-loathing and an even less healthy contol over my vices. I'm no perfect angel - and I wasn't out to change into one. I like that I'm a bit of a pig, that I'm sexually-charged, that I like to have fun, that I like to tear my guts out and put them on paper to learn more about myself - that's just part of who I am. But who I have also always been is a "conditional" - I'm creating this label so bear with me. Children who experience mental, physical and sexual abuse (general statement) learn to survey, judge and react to "conditions" - we are conditional. When I saw my drunken mother walk in the room clenching her hands, screaming obscenities - I watched for clues on what was going to happen to me next - and more importantly what I would need to do to survive the moment, when my father would go to strike me - I weighed my chances, I weighed the conditions - was I big enough yet to strike back - and if I failed - could I escape ? When I was alone in a car with a man as old as my father, and he took my 12 year-old dick in his hands - I considered my options - how far am I from help, what will he do when he's done, am I here because I deserved it ?

I had it imprinted, embossed, engraved, tattoed, seared in to my mind and flesh, my soul and instinct - I must read the conditions that others present, react and judge - to survive. In the end - I changed too often, tried to many times to predict the outcome and always waited for the other shoe to drop. I fall for the people who are hard for me to read and give few clues to how they feel about me. Why ? I don't really know. Perhaps, I feel more challenged. Perhaps, I feel more at home with them. Perhaps, I didn't (there's and optimal word here folks - watch, not I "DO" - but "I didn't") think I deserved to be with someone who could express their love to me in a healthy and everyday fashion. I no longer accept "scraps" for love - in the next relationship I will "expect" a filet - and perhaps a nice cabernet as well.

I have been to this point - "conditional".

It's served me well dodging slings and arrows professionally - but I've waited on pins and needles for changes in others - waiting to react - and I've learned that others rarely change. There's so much more thinking that goes in to the foundation of my thoughts on this - but let's face it - your neither being paid to listen to me ramble or looking to read a disertation - based on gut instincts.

I went to the movies with Chris (formerly of Encorswish fame) on Saturday to see Matrix. How, HOW ? do you make fight scenes so long that the viewer aches for more dreadful dialogue about causality, choice and cock (ok, I threw the last one in - but I had to think about something during the boring parts). When we came out to my car there was a simple yellow post-it note placed underneath my windshield wiper. it read:

"Hi ! - Lucky"

Though feet away, heading to his own car - Chris saw me lock up.

I then noticed Lucky's SUV sitting next to my car. Can staring at a car actually hurt? I haven't seen his face since the infamous "Day of the Dog" - what has it been two, almost three months ? I wondered who he was attending a movie with ? Which movie ? Was it a date ? Would they hold hands and brush knees ? Would they go home and make love and nap the Sunday afternoon away - as we used to do ? It was truly maddening. Each day my heart makes baby-steps back to normalcy - and then these moments come. But the worst part of this moment was - as I drove home, I felt love for him, I felt how much I missed him, I felt how much loss there had been. I cringed - this was worse then the hate - it was remorse. I don't want him back, but I do understand his hold over me. After two break-ups, I know given time - I'll miss him, I'll believe he can change and bam - there goes another year til the next break-up. Am I really this fucking stupid ? I'm still not ready to see him - I've decided to cancel P-Town. It makes no sense. I can't fly a five hour flight alone with a man I can't even look at - I can't spend 8 days in P-Town with my ex by my side - no matter how many other friends are going.

I'm not ready.

And that's ok. I know how to react to this one - I've read and reread the conditions before.

Time is the only healer, and I still need more.

Sunday, May 25, 2003

the weekend of warmth - heat's up.

I can now say with all honesty and C. as a witness that I have flirted with and been flirted with by a MLB Player. Ddidn't hurt that our seats for the game DBacks/Padres (pathetic game to boot) were lower level dugout seats (think home plate, crotch level, front row) - cute, cute, cute. Something about playing smiles, eye-hockey and playful banter with a guy and then hearing the crack of the bat as he sends it to left field and gets to second. Shame he was on the opposing team. And no for reasons of defammation lawsuits, etc. I think I'll not mention names.

Went out to Roscoes with C. and K. Ohhhh K. (formerly know as "I think I've met the hottest man I've ever met") - makes my heart do sommersalts. Immediately came up and laid a deep kiss and a bear hug on me - which made me feel pretty good considering how many men were ooogling him. C. 's new beau W. showed up and - damn - no wonder he says he makes him shake when he looks at him. Anyway one of those vapid, high school feelings - but as we all stood together horsing around and K. kept grabbing kisses from me and telling me sweet things - you couldn't help but enjoy a moment of being - I don't know, caught up in it all.

Came home to a very, very warm house - alone. K. had to work early and C. & W. had magic to make before C. passed out from all the drinking he had done. ASA called at 3am, I think I promised to call last night and forgot. I was actually in bed by midnight with only 4 beers in my belly and feeling a lil confused and giddy by all the attention from K. and some of the things he said. Next weekend I'll be seeing ASA and maybe that will give me more clarity to whatever there is between us. Oh and to keep this complicated ramble going J of the EE left a card on my door on Thursday night that he needed to go his own way since it had become honest that my feelings weren't the same for him. The card actually meant a lot to me and I thought it took total balls to write it. I left him a message saying such and that if he needed or wanted my friendship I would feel lucky to offer it to him.

Oh and there's been other interesting things happening as well that a few of you clever detectives know about.

What a weird - yet exciting summer this is starting out to be.