fucking blogger...acting funny...cookies , what?? Here I am ready to hit the town - wish me luck.

...baby steps...in an effort to get some spiritual healing tomorrow I booked myself a day package at the Biltmore Spa tomorrow ....massage, facial, steam (maybe they'll be some action there ;) !!)
...sorry I vented so much yesterday.

Stealing from my adorable cyber-boyfriend here:

Five truths and One lie

Though my first sexual experience with a boy was at 12 and I had several there after, I didn't have an orgasm until 17 when I fucked a high school track star - from a competing school nonetheless - on the bathroom floor of my girlfriends house using Pert Shampoo as lubricant.

I have held a dying man in my arms - unable - in shock to remember the if, whens and hows of CPR.

As a writer/graphic artist I have been published twice once for a Childrens Book at 14 years of age and once for a Coloring Book at 19 years of age.

I have been in 2 porns, one straight, one gay - both under the name Holden Hardon.

I have an irrational fear of being pushed into a pool after being pushed by my bigger brother into a frozen pool and becoming trapped underneatch the ice. and will not stand too close to one at parties for fear that someone will find humor in doing so to me.

To my Ex. Something I forgot to say on the phone today:

Fuckoff Fuckoff Fuckoff Fuckoff Fuckoff
Fuckoff Fuckoff Fuckoff Fuckoff Fuckoff
Fuckoff Fuckoff Fuckoff Fuckoff Fuckoff
Fuckoff Fuckoff Fuckoff Fuckoff Fuckoff
Fuckoff Fuckoff Fuckoff Fuckoff Fuckoff
Fuckoff Fuckoff Fuckoff Fuckoff Fuckoff
Fuckoff Fuckoff Fuckoff Fuckoff Fuckoff
Fuckoff Fuckoff Fuckoff Fuckoff Fuckoff

LEO Horoscope from Free Will Astrology:

I hope you say more goodbyes in the next week than you have in the previous 11 months combined. It's past time, sweet prince or princess, to bid adieu to all the things that no longer serve you -- and even to some things that do serve you but demand too high a price in return. So please say au revoir to your obsolete game plans and adios to your outmoded assumptions. Bark sayonara at your rickety psychological crutches and auf Wiedersehen*at the symbol that reminds you of your deepest resentment. Whisper begone, nuisance at all illusions that divide you against yourself.


Somehow it's there everywhere around me lately...choices, attitude, thoughts, actions, dreams, fears, friends, enemies, I don't think I've turned out to be who I was meant to be - somewhere along a jagged, winding path over many hills (some beautiful, some ugly) - I've ended up this person that I love, but in that way you love the misfit in a drama or very black comedy who means so well but never seems to get it right - who charges in guns blazing, off of misinformation or a desire to be the hero. If I were to be a King - my kingdom would be "The Island of Misfit Toys".

I have a good life, I am lucky - everyone has heartache and grief - but now how do I change ?

how do I make sure I grow ?

How do I weed out some of the darker and damaging forces I've allowed to take root in my life ?

You may not believe it
But I don't believe in miracles anymore
And when I think about it
I don't believe I ever did for sure
All the things I've said in songs
All the purple prose you bought from me
Reality's just black and white
The sentimental things I'd write
Never meant that much to me

I used to be the main express
All steam and whistles heading west
Picking up my pain from door to door
Riding on the storyline
Furnace burning overtime
But this train don't stop,
This train don't stop,
This train don't stop there anymore

You don't need to hear it
But I'm dried up and sick to death of love
If you need to know it
I never really understood that stuff
All the stars and bleeding hearts
All the tears that welled up in my eyes
Never meant a thing to me
Read 'em as they say and weep
I've never felt enough to cry

When I said that I don't care
It really means my engine's breaking down
The chisel chips my heart again
The granite cracks beneath my skin
I crumble into pieces on the ground

This Train Don't Stop There Anymore

Music by Elton John
Lyrics by Bernie Taupin
Available on the album Songs From The West Coast

man - is today - "outpouring of love day" or what....color me "tickle-pink" with some of the really sweet and even better "naughty" emails I have been receiving today.

And why yes maybe I will open up an all you can eat pizza buffet & boxer shorts emporium after all...

hmmm....apparently someone thinks I'm "gross"...response:

Fuck You.

Love & Hugs to the rest.

oh god...well we know you don't read my blog for the "Oprah-esque" insights...pics from my evening alone:

• spanking the monkey
  
• choking the chicken
  
• flogging the bishop
  
• massaging the meat
  
• stretching the staff
  
• rolling the rod
  
• raising the sail
  
• taking a personal moment
  
• finding God
  
• getting to know myself
  
• taking time for personal relief
  
• taming the monster
  
• Where's Waldo?
  
• jerking off
  
• whacking off
  
• solo performance
  
• going blind

...upwards of 2-5 times a day lately I'm indulging in "personal time". Running late for work - wonder why? Didn't get to the gym - wonder why? Staying in tonight - wonder why ? Haven't pursued and MBA - well maybe that is for other reasons...

But I'm starting to wonder how long do I allow myself this post-break-up-masturbation-marathon, seriously when will it affect my desire to even leave the house and start looking for a third hand to do the job...or is it even a sign of a greater depression then I'm dealing with. I mean it's not like I'm replacing endless nights of passion - in the last few months of the relationship the bed saw nothing more exciting than the occassional snoring or bad dream. I'm certainly spending a fortune on DVD porn.

Even now I type this blog with freshly used hands (does that make you feel dirty, baby ?)

Someone tape my hands behind my back.

What a strange weekend. Felt like I had to pull out my "No Drama" defense spray a couple of times. This being single crap is like walking in mud - no matter how hard you try not to track it in to your house it's hard not to. What's the secret to making guys understand that "I'm not looking to date anyone right now" is not a covert phrase for "Meet me at the marriage alter". I don't like to hurt people and try especially hard to be considerate of others who are flattering enough to deem me "groovy", but shit if I don't seem to fuck it up anyway.

The strange and delightful high points of the weekend came the multiple times I got to hang out with the Rickers and the Swish. The best being an impromptu dinner of Pizza by candlelight at my humble abode after some pretty vicious monsoons (Chris tried to warn you Jeff) ripped through the valley and left many of us without power, flooded roads, downed trees, power lines and upwards of 100 cars at the airport smashed by "rolling" garbage dumpsters. Personally I think I did a pretty good jump driving in "zero" visibility - admit it - you were a little nervous eh? Other highlights were: a fairly scandalous trip to see male strippers - uh mum's the word on that sojourn guys, ok? Beer Bust at NuTowne. Gay Country Western Line Dancing at Charlies (we just watched - but Jeff was dying to get out there) and breakfast at the Good Egg (this was after these two tag teamed my virgin ass for what seemed like an eternity - kinda like watching 'Star Wars - Attack of the Clones')

PS - The tattoo went over very, very well...healing really nicely - and yes my very sexy inquirers - I'm staying out of the sun and already am planning on making this one bigger.