Saturday, May 03, 2003

Monkeys are meant to be spanked
uh, yeah - well like to quote Madonna:

You think that I can't live without your love,
you'll see.
You think I can't go on another day
You think I have nothing
without you by my side.
You'll see, some-how, some way.

You think that I can never laugh again,
You'll see.
You think that you've destroyed my faith in love.
You think after all you've done,
I'll never find my way back home.
You'll see, some-how, some-day.

First Chorus:

All by myself,
I don't need anyone at all.
I know I'll survive,
I know I'll stay alive.
All on my own,
I don't need anyone this time.
It will be mine,
No one can take it from me.
You'll see

You think that you are strong but you are weak,
You'll see.
It takes more strength to cry,
Admit defeat.
I have truth on my side,
You only have deceit.
You'll see, some-how, some-day.

Thursday, May 01, 2003


Maybe it's just me - but why is it every time I heard a newscaster gleefully describe the proposed "dramatic" entrance of our President onto the aircraft carrier the US Abraham Lincoln (or something of the such) - flying in on a four-seater jet-fighter (How Cowboy!) before he declares his victory speech over Iraq (oh - but he won't use the word "Victory", probably because they NEVER turned up any of those pesky WOMD they were fighting over in the first place) - I think of that scene from Stanley Kubrick's - Dr. Strangelove, Or: How I Learned To Stop Worrying And Love The Bomb (1964) where Major Kong rides the dislodged "Hi There!" bomb (quite phallic) rodeo style - screaming "Yahoo! Yahoo!" towards it's detonation target.

"Yahoo" anyone ??

Wednesday, April 30, 2003

...weird to read your own words - and think "I've been here before"
Trading emails with my much-loved and adored Donald (remember her - she's a high-class ho in Jersey City now - who knew !!) and I kinda breathed some life into something I've been thinking about of late. I'm not sure how I feel about my blog anymore. As I close in on two years - I find that the past two months my writing has been - controlled. Let's face it - I can stand to rip open my heart and lap at the wounds in front of a million strangers - but one ex-boyfriend and I've gone benign. I'm not saying I'm dropping out, I'm not saying much of anything - i'm thinking on paper (or a blinking white screen). I've closed my heart and mind to Lucky - and for him to have a way in, a way to know my inner thoughts, my grief, my hopes, my new experiences isn't fair. I remember when I had him read the incredibly painful story of being raped when I was 16. He sat there and then changed the subject. No comment nothing. I had just shared for the first time with any boyfriend the reason I flinch when he tries to force it in me, the cause of my inflated machoism, the most humiliating moment of my life - and with tears framing my eyes - he stares at me in silence. I don't want him to share any more of my life. It's our relationship all over again - one-sided. He gets to know me on the deepest level possible and I get a one-dimensional, self-involved, curiousity seeker. (I guess if your reading this - you deserved the comment, so sorry - but it's how I feel). So what do I do? I've told some amazingly raw stories on here and it's not a complete picture. I'm a living, breathing, ever-evolving, ever-feeling beast. But I don't think I can breathe my words on to this page anymore, it feels more exposed than ever - and even I choose to draw a line somewhere.

Tuesday, April 29, 2003 there you were.

Hadn't I just been bopping along to Groove Armada's "The Groove is On" seconds before - feeling really good about my work-out, chatting with cute boys, feeling like the old me - I wonder if you had been watching me just seconds before. Certainly T. had told you I was there. What were you thinking when your eyes fell on me and watched me oblivious to your glare. Did you have the rush of emotions I did - did your head scream and your heart beg to look away. My pulse raced and veered out of control.

The day you left with our dog was the last time I saw you.

I wasn't ready - but then maybe I was. Did you notice I shaved the beard? Your buff - you juicing? Do you know about the 4 way - R. had to go running and tell you about it didn't he? Do you still find me handsome? Whose keeping your sheets warm now? Do you hurt? Does it fucking hurt ?

Maybe I was ready - but then maybe I wasn't.

Sunday, April 27, 2003

What Rocks? Sitting literally like six feet from lovely Annie Lennox as she belts out beautiful song after song tonight.

What DOESN'T Rock ? Losing my goddamn keys in the parking lot sometime before or after the concert. . Having to break in to my house by breaking a window, cutting through a screen then crawling through said broken window and screen....and realizing once I was in my house, how fucking easy it was and that the neighbors didn't even stir.

I'm getting an alarm, and I'm never letting my keys out of my sight again.