Wednesday, April 30, 2003

Trading emails with my much-loved and adored Donald (remember her - she's a high-class ho in Jersey City now - who knew !!) and I kinda breathed some life into something I've been thinking about of late. I'm not sure how I feel about my blog anymore. As I close in on two years - I find that the past two months my writing has been - controlled. Let's face it - I can stand to rip open my heart and lap at the wounds in front of a million strangers - but one ex-boyfriend and I've gone benign. I'm not saying I'm dropping out, I'm not saying much of anything - i'm thinking on paper (or a blinking white screen). I've closed my heart and mind to Lucky - and for him to have a way in, a way to know my inner thoughts, my grief, my hopes, my new experiences isn't fair. I remember when I had him read the incredibly painful story of being raped when I was 16. He sat there and then changed the subject. No comment nothing. I had just shared for the first time with any boyfriend the reason I flinch when he tries to force it in me, the cause of my inflated machoism, the most humiliating moment of my life - and with tears framing my eyes - he stares at me in silence. I don't want him to share any more of my life. It's our relationship all over again - one-sided. He gets to know me on the deepest level possible and I get a one-dimensional, self-involved, curiousity seeker. (I guess if your reading this - you deserved the comment, so sorry - but it's how I feel). So what do I do? I've told some amazingly raw stories on here and it's not a complete picture. I'm a living, breathing, ever-evolving, ever-feeling beast. But I don't think I can breathe my words on to this page anymore, it feels more exposed than ever - and even I choose to draw a line somewhere.