so it's like some cruel trip. I'm not stupid - I'm barely 4 weeks out of a three and half-year relationship and bachelor #1 is seducing me better then any man has in a long time. Points of evidence in his favor. A week and half ago I invited him over and made him dinner ( oh yeah - I can cook too), well mistakenly he left a wine glass by his chair in my TV room (which I subsequently dropkicked into my fireplace later that night after he left) - well when he showed up tonight he had purchased me 4 new wine glasses to apologize for his transgression. I swooned. Well actually I never swoon, I accepted them like it was nothing - but on the inside - I was like "OH MY FUCKING GOD !" - how could he be so sweet - so considerate. The only thing that made it better was that I had bought him card - a non-romatic, funny, "it's really cool to hang out with you because your a cool guy card". I thought about letting him spend the night and then I got a grip on my colder side and kicked him out. Tommorow we are going to the Cezanne exhibit - can you imagine - he's sweet and I get to be smart ? What gives??

Was emailed by the ex today.

He needs all the pet insurance policy information for the dog that used to be mine and that I have been paying for since we got her.

He also needed the information on the flight to PTown that I also paid for.

He included two "icon smiley faces "

I want to hit something or puke.

Trying to decide which to do first.

uh - if John Rutherford is stepping down - I can think of no other who would rock that job then me...

What's in a Number ?

17 - grams of sugar in a Starbucks "Doubeshot Espresso with Cream"

12 - grams of "kitty" that I have purchased and partaken of since the break-up with Lucky.

1 - number of times I have "taken care of business" since I awoke.

3 - number of times I will have "taken care of business" before I go to sleep.

33 - current waist line, also easily confused with 31, 32 and 34 depending on the cut and maker of jeans

22 - pair of jeans I currently own and wear on a regular basis.

2 - number of times I have been in love in my life.

0 - number of times I intend to have my heart broken in the future - yeah right, uh ?

384,271 - Gross Profit Dollars to date for Q1

5 - percent multiplier of above number to determine my quarterly bonus.

8 - number of times I have watched "Donnie Darko"

12 - number of times I have watched "Urbania"

2 - number of people who keep regular office hours in my office.

1 - number of people who keep regular office hours in my office besides myself.

63,039 - number of unique visitors to this site since inception on May 14th, 2001

1,210 - average number of unique visitors to this site in a week

5 - number of bloggers I know I would have sex with if circumstances were right.

59 - number of bloggers I link to

58 - number of blogger who just went "uh - is he talking about me" (I left out Jennie - she's a Diva/Goddess - but I really know I'd barking up the wrong tree)

10 - number of bloggers I link to that I have met.

1 - number of times I've spent a night in jail.

4 - number of bar fights I have been in

6 - years old, age I realized I was gay after having a dream of a handsome fireman rescuing me from a fire - where my family perished - then taking me away with him.

210 - theoretically the number of men I have slept with if you assume 10 a year for 21 years (since I first started having sex)

12 - men have topped me in those 21 years.

2 - number of times I've been fucked by my ex (or anyone for that matter) in the past year and half.

3 - months, since I last had full on sex.

1 - number of times I have been mistaken for an armed bank robber and that police have surrounded the resturant I was dining in.

2 - number of people I call "best friend"

3 - number of people involved in an ideal sexual situation.

14 - number of three-ways I have had.

1 - number of times I had a three-way with my ex.

1 - number of times I have had a three-way involving my partner.

40,232 - number of miles on my 2000 BMW 3 series.

98,114 - number of miles on my 1990 Isuzu Pick-up before she died in 97.

4 - number of boyfriends that have cheated on me.

1 - number of boyfriends that I have caught in the act.

2 - number of boyfriends that I have cheated on.

18,000 - dollars, annual salary of first job out of college as a sales rep.

26 - number of American men in the military that have died in the Iraq conflict/war. (number may be off)

4 - number of periodicals I subscribed to (Business Week, GQ, Architectural Digest and Mens Health)

72 - age of the owner of my company.

3 - average amount of times he asks me the same question on the same day.

2,316,856.60 - current dollars in Accounts Receivable that I manage for his company.

33 - age of Bachelor #2

35 - age of Bachelor #1

33 - my age

44 - number of items on this list before I decided I better get my ass back to work.

..it's weird in what ways a man can affect me. How often intelligence or humor has turned me on over a big dick or a sweet ass (though I still really, really like both). Bachelor #1 spoke so eloquently, so efficiently and with such historical foundation on his views about american involvement in foreign countries in their effort to "spread" democracy - that I wanted to hump him then and there. We had intelligent conversation, then we had intellectual converation and finally, we had a candid conversation. He admitted he felt he was "aware" that sex hadn't happened yet. I assured him that it was restraint, not repulsion. I reminded him that I offer NO promises, NO future, but that I truly enjoy when his hands find their place holding mine in the movie theater, or the goodnight kiss, or the shared laugh over something inanely stupid.

So how do I go from this - to tomorrow's date - letting another charm me...all the while stealing moments of hatred for my ex in the back of my mind ?

...going to the movies with Bachelor # 1 tonight. I wonder if there is a discreet litmus test to see how deep he is - repeat after me "I really, really don't want anyone to get hurt".

Bachelor # 2 doesn't seem to think I blew it - I think he just doesn't get me, soooo he's trying to play it really cool now. He called, I called back - we made tenative plans for tomorrow night - whatever, if he wants to hang, cool.

I don't want a Bachelor # 3, I want to get laid - no strings. Last night during a great pump at the gym - I ran into a hottie I used to date right before Lucky. We had a long talk about both of us feeling really burned by our last relationships and how we really just wanted some good uncommited sex. Now right when I got back with Lucky - after the summer break - this hottie had made it known how badly he felt that he hadn't made it know that he wanted to get with me - little does he know, during the 10-15 minutes we talked I just kept thinking "Ask me to go home with you right now, and I more than gladly will".

My work days are flying by and my new diet - less carbs, less sugar, less caffine is kinda leaving me drained. I feel good about the body though - my tummy could be tighter - but I feel pretty sexy. Now if I can just get over the anxiety of the first guy seeing me naked. Starting to mull over a trip to Chi-Town for IML over Memorial weekend. Considering I have Palm Springs/ White Party in April, San Diego Pride in June and 4th of July in Ptown - a trip a month might be a little draining.

Maybe it's all actually a little draining - but I need to keep busy. The moments I'm alone feel so "alone". Normally it's ok - I enjoy my own company, but the other times when the house is quiet and there is no dog and I ask a question to the empty chair next to me about something on tv - I hear my question fall like a rock - unanswered by the stagnant air.

:: an anomalous list of thoughts by an anomalous guy ::

• The "oh-fucking-shit-I'm-fucking-single-and-I-fucking-miss-my-dog-blues" crashed through my front door on Sunday and I was not a pretty site.
  
• Shame because I had a blast playfully flirting with the self-proclaimed cock-tease and a much milder and subdued Sam
  
• The gay scene in Tucson could make "anyone" appreciate sex with livestock.
  
• Screw April Fools Day - it's quarterly bonus time - cough - the fucker -up.
  
• I think I blew it with Bachelor #2 - I'm just not ready to start having sleep overs no matter how hot you are.
  
• I've fallen in a mire I hoped to never see, clumsy, muddy, uncontrollable thoughts of hatred aimed at my ex.
  
• My house lost half it's life and all it's love when Baby scampered out that door, her food and water bowl still sit on my kitchen floor - I can't bring myself to put them away. Someone suggested to me lately that this aspect of my life has the perfect makings for a country song.
  
• When I told the guy at the house party on Saturday how much I appreciated the chance to play with their 6 week-old Yellow Lab puppy - I don't think he could have ever imagined how real I was being, shame.
  
• I've become heavily "naked" anxious - and amazingly stressed out about the first time I stand naked in the bedroom in front of another man.
  
• Charlies back - I find that oddly reassuring.
  
• I'm debating the beard for White Party next month.
  
• Thank GOD - Swish let me know he was alive, I was getting sick of hanging out in public restrooms looking for him.
  
• I'm really worried that Bachelor # 1 may be getting serious.
  
• I actually really, really like Nicole Kidman - but babe "are you trying to look like a cat or what?"
  
• I finally updated links and such, please send your obligatory thank you's in the form of a haiku.
  
• My unending crush on Jake Gyllenhaal seems to keep getting worse and worse - hit me.
  
• Engaging me in a professional work place to discuss my political and ethical viewpoint on the war with Iraq is about as smart as - well shit it's not, it's just fucking rude and stupid.
  
• Every time an episode of "Six Feet Under" ends I think - oh shit - now Mom and Dad are gonna ask me what a P.A. is next time I see them.
  
• I deleting the amazingly dark entry I wrote yesterday - which made me start thinking that we should have a collective site that we all share where we anonymously post the blog entries we think are too much for everyone else to handle.
  
• I'm over my list already.