Saturday, June 16, 2001

Hmmm, Father's Day is creeping up on us tomorrow and the wheels (INSERT HERE: picture of rusty red Radio Flyer tricycle with cobwebs lacing through the spokes) are turning.

There has always been much to be said about the Mother/Daughter relationship and of course even the Father/Son relationship, but what of the twist/the deviation/the aberration (just kidding - big words are fun! eh, Jonno):

The Father/Gay Son relationship or Gay Father/Straight Son relationship.

I actually know a few of the later, but not having a kid of my own yet (and oh, my poor wonderful partner because I want them sooner or later, but right now am young enough for later), I think my topic really concentrates on the former.

I've always been the 'gay son' - spoken or not, I don't want to think I was effeminate or odd, but my Mother always seemed to say after I came out (at 16) that she had "always known" (please confirm for me - does every mother claim to have ALWAYS known ???? I mean was I flag-dancing at Four, wearing a harness by Seven, and referencing Designer Drugs & Great Spaces by Eight ???!! OK - yes I did have an unusual curiosity about being a back-up Solid Gold dancer, and ok GI Joe, Evil Kenevil and Stretch Armstrong were “swingers” - did Dionne Warwick and her psychic friends predict that - even back then...oh crap, I've been carrying on in the parentheses for a while - better go back to the content, skip-jump-ooommpff....) ...Mom said there had just "been something different about me". I was a normal boy – I thought – climbing trees, building forts, little league, Indian Guides (think Boy Scouts with feathers, war paint and leather vests – scratch that I just sent you all off on a Mardi Gras tangent!).

OK, I'm rambling – sorry well written verse and amazing insights are available at Tinman and EB’s sites.
Ok, the point is coming and it only took two paragraphs (consider yourself lucky ingrates!) to get there:

Was I less a son to my father, because I was gay?

I don't mean now – I am more than confident that my success professionally and personally has been enough to make him proud of me and leave him numerous anecdotes to brag about to his friends (well OK my Mom, not sure many other people listen to the old man since he retired and can no longer corner his co-workers to unwittingly tell them about my meeting Calvin Klein on Fire Island after a Tea Dance and not quite know how gay a story he just really told.)…. But then, did my Father notice what was different about me – was it why my brother (INSERT HERE: picture perfect brother; all-American, blond hair, blue-eyed, jock who played Basketball, Football, Baseball, Tennis and Hockey – well) seemed to make him smile, but I, well let’s face it – I didn’t get that ‘same’ smile. Was there something there – a certain something that he couldn’t place – that maybe even instilled in him the same uneasiness that seizes you when you first notice a person’s deformity – your smile is forced, you won’t pretend the sight of it ‘disturbs’ you. (Sub note: this is for license to evoke a feeling, any deformed readers need not protest – I’ve spent two days watching Tinman trying to recuperate from the innocent Asian attraction statement). So did my being gay rob my Father of as much of my youth as it did me? Did I plague him with hours of guilt for feeling that he just didn’t know why I couldn’t be more like my brother?
My father – who I suspect was the model for Robert Duvall in “the Great Santini” (if you have never seen it – dig it up – Blythe Danner …you-know-whose Mom, is excellent) - is a Man, a Man’s Man, a strong silent Norwegian (all food should be white and bland) Man, 1 Gin-n-Tonic at Holidays only Man, Back-of-the-Hand smack across the room trajectory Man, give him ten minutes he’ll tell you ten jokes Man, a I believe in loving only one woman (INSERT HERE: Stay-at-Home Wife’s need only apply) even if I’m not the perfect husband and I squashed many of her personal dreams Man, “my grandfather and great-grandfather fucked me up far worse than I did to you in a sad sweet way that you have always been able to forgive me for” Man.

Crap, now I’m so wrapped up in this I’m not even sure what I was saying. Ok, dare I say it, dare I believe it to be true –
Would he, if he had it to do over again, had a GAY son?


I love my old man though, with everything in me...for every challenge, every put-down, for every smile, for every back hand, for the few tears he spared, for staying up late, for grounding me again, and again, and again, for understanding, for not having a clue, for the chores, and the chores, and the chores, for coaching every team - thus making me afraid to play every sport, for knowing everything about everything - thus leaving me afraid not to at least know a lot about something, for condescending, for playing, for yelling, for lauging, for sighing, for staring, for hitting, for patting on the back (hugs were rare)...

you made a great man out me Pop - if you meant to or not,

you made a great Boss out of me Head-of-the-Household - if you meant to or not,

you made a great son out of me Father - if you meant to or not,

you made a great friend out of me Dad - if you meant to or not,

you made an amazingly compassionate, caring, loving, romantic, sincere, sexual, funny and dedicated partner (to the man I intend to spend the rest of my life with) out of me - if you meant to or not. thank you.
Happy Fathers Day.

Friday, June 15, 2001

For my Blogger buddies using ReBlogger, from Jesse Malone:

No it hasn't crashed and burned, but my host may have just lost a customer if they're not back up within a day. I've come to not like them. But they're just about the only host around that has everything I need, I guess that's why they can get away with it. I have been searching for a host with a similar service that is more reliable. I'm pretty sure that they will be back up within a day(they're usually no longer than that). If not I'll have to find some speedy way to remedy the situation. Keep your eyes on the user to user discussion forum, that's where I'll post any information you may need if my host stays down. Please pass this information on to anyone else you know who uses reblogger.

Alrighty - it's gonna be OK - nobody panic:

  • lights [check]

  • food...does 2 - found in my desk drawer - Mentos Refreshing Mints count?? cool [check]

  • water, um, well Mandarin & Tonic [check, scrap that - doublecheck]

  • Advocate Men (circa '86 when men were men and not steroids and nair) [check]

  • Blog Me .......[no check, NO check - ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh - not again, for the love of Gary Coleman, not AGAIN!!!!!]

We now return to your regularly scheduled episode of Full House.

Thursday, June 14, 2001

Wednesday, June 13, 2001

Things I'm grateful for:

My Boy

I mean certainly there are other things that I am grateful for but there is something about this person who accepts my moods, makes other people think I'm Superman and let's me cry in front of him.

Thanks for loving me babe.

Tuesday, June 12, 2001

Laboratory Report:

ID: BST081469KRL

Age: 31Y

Sex: M

Date Rcvd: 6/7/2001

Spec Type: whole blood

Specimen Number: 01VS014817

Date Collected: 6/5/2001

HIV-1/HIV-2 Ab SCREEN: Non-reactive


So it's done again. For the last three years I have been pretty good about getting tested every 6 months.
But why do I get a little queasy every time? Ponder every dance floor fondling, Back room endeavor, One night stand ???
I use condoms, have I slipped up ? Yeah, me neither - sucks to try and tell the truth doesn't it.
Has a guy ever let loose in your mouth without your permission ? Yeah, hasn't happened me, and you ? Sucks to tell the truth doesn't - it.
Have you ever walked away from a sexual experience and thought - crap - what was his/their/it's (just kidding) name ?
Do you ask every partner (one night or long term) their status ?
Have you ever put it in - then had the guy say - "Uh, could you wrap that puppy up?" or worse say nothing and you were glad ?

Yeah, me neither - sucks to tell the truth doesn't it.

Monday, June 11, 2001


Warning: don't marry Sharon Stone
Since being married to actress Sharon Stone, Phil Bronstein has had a heart attack, was hit by a car, had food poisoning, and yesterday was attacked by giant lizard. She is obviously hiring baffoons to kill her husband.