Wednesday, September 04, 2002
...I would love to tell you I've been dancing the salsa of good humor and chesire cat grins all day
...I would love to tell you I slayed some dragons, enhanced my self-esteem and made hot passionate love today
...I would love to tell you I cured cancer with a simple combination of chocolate, Merchant-Ivory films and back-rubs
but, I didn't.
Instead I had the most insanely horrific conversation/arguement/verbal haranguing with the owner of the retail side of the house. His pathetic paranoia, his overly inflated ego, his cruel and abrupt method of conducting conversations through personal assaults, his ability to take a meaningless phrase and begin a diatribe on the wrongs of everyone around him. I have never - ever had a person speak to me in this manner - ending with a backhanded side ways comment about my sexuality. I had to bring forth every fiber of my human condition to not rip his fucking head from his body and shove it up his conceited, myoptic, lunatic Mormon ass. I endured threats to my career, to my future and to my livelihood from a man who is neither my boss, my coworker or my friend. What a time to be giving up drugs, easing back on booze and avoiding casual sex...I want to destroy something - I want to hear something - someone - snap in my strong deliberate hands. I willing want to quit my job and walk back in there and shove my 6 figure salary down his throat - I have grown weary of working for others - I have grown sick of being a sponge for bull-shit - I want to quit this 3 ring circus and be a god damn monk without a dime to his name.
deep breath...whooooooooooooooo.
...I would love to tell you I slayed some dragons, enhanced my self-esteem and made hot passionate love today
...I would love to tell you I cured cancer with a simple combination of chocolate, Merchant-Ivory films and back-rubs
but, I didn't.
Instead I had the most insanely horrific conversation/arguement/verbal haranguing with the owner of the retail side of the house. His pathetic paranoia, his overly inflated ego, his cruel and abrupt method of conducting conversations through personal assaults, his ability to take a meaningless phrase and begin a diatribe on the wrongs of everyone around him. I have never - ever had a person speak to me in this manner - ending with a backhanded side ways comment about my sexuality. I had to bring forth every fiber of my human condition to not rip his fucking head from his body and shove it up his conceited, myoptic, lunatic Mormon ass. I endured threats to my career, to my future and to my livelihood from a man who is neither my boss, my coworker or my friend. What a time to be giving up drugs, easing back on booze and avoiding casual sex...I want to destroy something - I want to hear something - someone - snap in my strong deliberate hands. I willing want to quit my job and walk back in there and shove my 6 figure salary down his throat - I have grown weary of working for others - I have grown sick of being a sponge for bull-shit - I want to quit this 3 ring circus and be a god damn monk without a dime to his name.
deep breath...whooooooooooooooo.
Tuesday, September 03, 2002
Great work-out.
It's stupid but I know I push harder when there are boys there that trip my switch and tonight there were three. I hate it though - you come back home and the adrenelin is coarsing through your veins at the speed of the raging white water rapids - and all my blood is racing away from my brain and thumping up and down some place else.
So I sit here thinking maybe I should do a stags leap over to a local watering hole. Throw on some jeans and a tight T while the muscles still feel all pumped - feel that thrill of eye-contact, the first sip of a cold beer trickling down my throat, possibility of a little back seat action.
Maybe I should throw on some shorts and a tank top - not even shower and hit the bookstore - listen to a crisp dollar pulled in to the machine - whirrrrr - watch a dirty movie and feel my heart racing waiting for something to happen - an anonymous encounter - a furious fuck and suck session - shoot my load in his face and don't even bother to ask his name.
Maybe I should call the Ex - whisper about loneliness - hint about horniness - what ?? am I naked ? yeah - just step out of the shower -why - pause - what are you doing - he could come racing over, eager, hungry to taste me to be at home with me inside him - passion erupting, friction and fire each of us pounding our anger, our sadness, our emptiness away.
Or maybe I'll play with the dog and write out some bills and jack-off again and watch the Daily Show - then crawl into the bed - without him, without whoever I used to be, without the skin I've grown so comfortable wearing all this time. Will the sheets seem smoother or will I wake up shivering in the middle of the night, confused from a terrible nightmare about a life gone wrong ?
It's stupid but I know I push harder when there are boys there that trip my switch and tonight there were three. I hate it though - you come back home and the adrenelin is coarsing through your veins at the speed of the raging white water rapids - and all my blood is racing away from my brain and thumping up and down some place else.
So I sit here thinking maybe I should do a stags leap over to a local watering hole. Throw on some jeans and a tight T while the muscles still feel all pumped - feel that thrill of eye-contact, the first sip of a cold beer trickling down my throat, possibility of a little back seat action.
Maybe I should throw on some shorts and a tank top - not even shower and hit the bookstore - listen to a crisp dollar pulled in to the machine - whirrrrr - watch a dirty movie and feel my heart racing waiting for something to happen - an anonymous encounter - a furious fuck and suck session - shoot my load in his face and don't even bother to ask his name.
Maybe I should call the Ex - whisper about loneliness - hint about horniness - what ?? am I naked ? yeah - just step out of the shower -why - pause - what are you doing - he could come racing over, eager, hungry to taste me to be at home with me inside him - passion erupting, friction and fire each of us pounding our anger, our sadness, our emptiness away.
Or maybe I'll play with the dog and write out some bills and jack-off again and watch the Daily Show - then crawl into the bed - without him, without whoever I used to be, without the skin I've grown so comfortable wearing all this time. Will the sheets seem smoother or will I wake up shivering in the middle of the night, confused from a terrible nightmare about a life gone wrong ?
...so, are there any Vegas bloggers out there ? I'll be in your shimmery city Thursday - Sunday for my big brothers wedding. Think I'll hit the bars in search of fun and frivolity on Friday night (well not to much of either - I'm trying to play it a bit low key this weekend)...if so, or you have advice on where to go - let me know.
Monday, September 02, 2002
Another List of Implications, Contradictions and Inspirations:
- My dog is soooo frigging fantastic it hurts.
- I can't believe someone who called me had the balls to call me after me explaining to them for an hour why they need professional counseling and then find out this morning they've been spending quite a bit of time chasing after my ex as well.
- Gay men are bitches in heat and horny dogs looking for the next leg - at the exact same time
- I survived the bathing suit experiences and felt pretty good about myself doing it - but somehow managed to shift the neurosis to my growing bald spot instead.
- I am hornier then shit - jacking off 5 times a day - and managed to turn down each prospect I had at easy sex this weekend. I guess I really need to decide which side of the street I want to drive on.
- I started reading again - but embarrased to say I had to start with a collection of short stories since my attention span is shorter than my sideburns.
- From the reactions of people to seeing me in person at two different parties this weekend - I guess I successfully have become one helluva hermit.
- I'm not sure I know how to let go of the people I love.
- I only have one ex-boyfriend who hates me - and he hates me with such a deep-seated loathing - that it can be felt from across the bar, even when I'm still standing in the parking lot. I feel sorry for him that after 10 years he still can't let that hate go.
- I ran into someone I dated 3 years ago and really enjoyed talking to him - so much so I think I had a raging boner for the next couple of hours while seeing the movie "1 Hour Photo" - do you know how disturbing it is to think someone might see you with a hard-on at a movie like that ?
- No matter how many list snippets I do - I just can't get myself to sit down and do the 100 list one.
Sunday, September 01, 2002
Who thought up "Pool Parties" ??
I find nothing more unnerving then standing around a pool in an ill-fitting square cut (if it looks great on your ass - it's mashing down your dick and balls, if it's pronouncing your package with flourish and fancy - it's flattening your ass...so I chicken out and feel too neurotic and end up wearing "jams") - I thought we no longer called them that - but my West Coast friends claim indeed we do.
It will all be less upsetting if I only had to survive this retail queens Marque de Swimsuit weekend doing this yesterday - but I have a scant 5 hours to dream up more scantily-clad attire for another pool party today and one tomorrow. I have 4 swim trunks left to choose from:
...sigh.
What are the lines to "Serenity Prayer" again ?
I find nothing more unnerving then standing around a pool in an ill-fitting square cut (if it looks great on your ass - it's mashing down your dick and balls, if it's pronouncing your package with flourish and fancy - it's flattening your ass...so I chicken out and feel too neurotic and end up wearing "jams") - I thought we no longer called them that - but my West Coast friends claim indeed we do.
It will all be less upsetting if I only had to survive this retail queens Marque de Swimsuit weekend doing this yesterday - but I have a scant 5 hours to dream up more scantily-clad attire for another pool party today and one tomorrow. I have 4 swim trunks left to choose from:
- The Dark Blue Robin Piccone square cut - which is meant to cut on the legs to show glorious bulging hamstrings and raging muscles pushing my buttucks high in the air - for Christ Sakes I'm 33 - I've got good legs and a nice ass - but this bathing suit seemed a lot sexier on me in the store then in bright sunlight.
- The Khaki, Olive and Blue Plaid Whittall & Shon - trunks at a square cut length - no lycra....really, really flattering - simple, kinda sweet preppy boy showing some skin - 'cept one problem...no mesh thing to hold everything in place underneath - I hope in the water everything is gonna come floating out like passengers off the Titanic.
- The Orange, Red and White Plaid J Crew with the velcro fly - I comment - their liars - someone switched the tag - it says 32 and they all say 32 - but I squeeze into this thing as gracefully as Anna Nicole Smith eats food. I can't even try it on or I'll never leave the house again.
- The Red, Green and Blue Plaid Sauvage swimsuit - well - it fits well - no love handles, ass and legs look nice - waistline cuts right at my tan line which kinda works - a bit too tight in the crotch - but if I start to get hard it won't stick straight out - but I know the pressure on my balls is gonna have me "adjusting and readjusting" myself constantly and the other pool party guest are gonna complain I keep touching myself (well maybe not todays pool party - um, I'm worried some people may not keep their bathing suits on - well I mean - I wouldn't mind if some of them didn't but I mean really then you have to deal with the ones who you wouldn't want to see do that and then suddenly you realize that your just rambling on and on and on....)
...sigh.
What are the lines to "Serenity Prayer" again ?
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