I find nothing more unnerving then standing around a pool in an ill-fitting square cut (if it looks great on your ass - it's mashing down your dick and balls, if it's pronouncing your package with flourish and fancy - it's flattening your ass...so I chicken out and feel too neurotic and end up wearing "jams") - I thought we no longer called them that - but my West Coast friends claim indeed we do.
It will all be less upsetting if I only had to survive this retail queens Marque de Swimsuit weekend doing this yesterday - but I have a scant 5 hours to dream up more scantily-clad attire for another pool party today and one tomorrow. I have 4 swim trunks left to choose from:
- The Dark Blue Robin Piccone square cut - which is meant to cut on the legs to show glorious bulging hamstrings and raging muscles pushing my buttucks high in the air - for Christ Sakes I'm 33 - I've got good legs and a nice ass - but this bathing suit seemed a lot sexier on me in the store then in bright sunlight.
- The Khaki, Olive and Blue Plaid Whittall & Shon - trunks at a square cut length - no lycra....really, really flattering - simple, kinda sweet preppy boy showing some skin - 'cept one problem...no mesh thing to hold everything in place underneath - I hope in the water everything is gonna come floating out like passengers off the Titanic.
- The Orange, Red and White Plaid J Crew with the velcro fly - I comment - their liars - someone switched the tag - it says 32 and they all say 32 - but I squeeze into this thing as gracefully as Anna Nicole Smith eats food. I can't even try it on or I'll never leave the house again.
- The Red, Green and Blue Plaid Sauvage swimsuit - well - it fits well - no love handles, ass and legs look nice - waistline cuts right at my tan line which kinda works - a bit too tight in the crotch - but if I start to get hard it won't stick straight out - but I know the pressure on my balls is gonna have me "adjusting and readjusting" myself constantly and the other pool party guest are gonna complain I keep touching myself (well maybe not todays pool party - um, I'm worried some people may not keep their bathing suits on - well I mean - I wouldn't mind if some of them didn't but I mean really then you have to deal with the ones who you wouldn't want to see do that and then suddenly you realize that your just rambling on and on and on....)
What are the lines to "Serenity Prayer" again ?