Friday, June 21, 2002

"If I was in the fridge...would you open the door?"
"If I was grass would you mow your lawn?"
"If I was your body would you still wear clothes?"

"If I was a booger would you blow your nose, where would you keep it, would you eat it ??"

"I'm just trying to give myself a reason... to be around"

"If I was a porch swing would you let me hang?"
"If I was a dance floor would you shake your thang?"
"If I was a rubber check would you let me bounce, up and down inside your bank account ?"

"Would you trust me not to break you?"

"I'm just trying really hard to make you... notice me being around."

"If I was a haircut would you wear a hat?"
"If I was a maid could I clean your flat?"
"If I was a carpet would you wipe your feet, in time to save me from mud off the street ?"

"If you liked me, if you loved me, would you get down on your feet and scrub me?"

"I'm a little grubby... from just being around."

Lyrics from "Being Around"/Album: "Come on Feel" by The Lemonheads

So would ya ??

Thursday, June 20, 2002

>RE: Subject: How are you doing?
>Date: Thu, 20 Jun 2002 02:19:21 -0700

hey handsome, it is nice to hear from you.

I'm rather embarrassed by my message - I hate for people to see or hear me break down. I've been running around in sort of a state of shock/denial/apathy these past three weeks and the break-up has seemed more like a shadow on a summer day - there, but barely. So odd how it came sweeping up on me last night - in the middle of making my first home cooked meal in my new home, my dog slumbering at my feet, a close buddies CD playing in the background, and BAM! - smacked right in the face by such a deep overwhelming need to breakdown - I fell apart, down to my feet in the middle of my kitchen, my dog trying to lick away the tears that just came one after another, straining to hit the ground faster than the last. I tried to play the tough guy one day to long and my mind had enough and just did a number on me. It was at that moment, pulling myself up off the floor I tried so hard to regain composure and I was just gone for an hour. Then the oddest thing happened, there was a knock at my front door and when I went to it - there was this sweet, little old lady at my door with a plate of fresh strawberries - she was my new neighbor...she said nothing about my appearance, or my puffy eyes - she told me she would have baked for me but it was so hot outside (112 degrees- shit), she gave me the strawberries and treats for my dog and we chatted about the neighborhood and how she had lived there for 35 years and how she hoped I wouldn't go (move away) as quickly as the other neighbors seemed to. It was just such a sweet, unexpected moment - I just felt calmer after it...I just knew I would get through this, I would rebuild the parts that felt broken, my heart would mend, and though I know I'll cry again that it will become easier, less draining each time I just let it happen.

Fucking long story huh ? Sorry - your the first one i've told beyond my best friend Patrick. If you read all that gibberish, are a good listener and very sweet and very cute....

Thanks for thinking of me. I don't feel comfortable - with anyone - really going into the "WHY's" of why XXXXXX and I broke up, I think that type of behavior is classless, it doesn't bring back your relationship. XXXXXX and I had almost 3 years, I Love him with every fiber of my being, he's my buddy, I will never betray him and will always be there if he needs me no matter how painful it may be to see him - but for whatever reason I have no doubts that we were meant to end.

As for this weekend. I decided to hit LA, Pride will be nice and distracting and it's my best friend Patricks bday...perhaps you boyz might be down for it ? It would be great to see you'all. As for SD Pride I have to admit I might give it up to XXXXXX, he wants to go so badly and it will be painful for him to have me there.

Anyway I just seem to be going on and on (INSERT HERE: Picture of that damn energizer bunny)

Luv ya - Kurt

>Subject: How are you doing?
>Date: Thu, 20 Jun 2002 10:19:21 -0700
> Good morning Kurt,
> Sorry I wasn't home when you called. Would have
>enjoyed talking to you. Curt told me that you and XXXXXXX broke up. Sorry to
>hear that things didn't work out. You both seemed so happy together. Maybe
>you can still work things out??? Not sure on the details or what
>happen...but hopefully you to are still friends at least. Or maybe you just
>needed to take a break from each other to appreciate each other more. Again
>not sure what happen but I hope you're both in a good place. Are you still
>coming to stay with us during pride? I heard you might be coming even
>sooner. Curt told me you maybe coming this weekend or next. It would be
>great to see you. Anyway hope all is well with you and if you need someone
>to talk to I'm always available. I've been told I'm a great listener. Take
>care big guy and Hopefully I'll hear from you soon.
> Love,
> James :-)

Wednesday, June 19, 2002

ok, just booked my tickets for THIS.

It just dawned on me that I have never been in LA as a single guy - ever. Every time I have ever been I've had a boy - this will be either really good for my self-esteem of really rough...all those - we think we're too good for you pretty boys, but thats ok I could really go for a hot Leather Daddy right now anyway - I hate to say it but I just want to fuck someone who in no way reminds me of my ex. Plus the double-treat is that it's my best friend Patricks bday and I'll get to wine and dine him.

Anyone know the scoop on "where to be" this weekend, please share.

Tuesday, June 18, 2002

...keeping above water today (it's a lot easier to float when there are so many people offering you life preservers - THANKS!)

I'm here today. Comfortable inside my skin. Scared shit-less, but feeling more solid. I started my day strong, with an agenda, and came at it full force.

I see the Ex on Thursday...I'm gonna smile, be sincere and be his friend, he's hurting too and I love him and want him to heal as well.

Be prepared. At the end of all this - I'm gonna be fucking FIERCE.

Monday, June 17, 2002 crept in this weekend, somewhere behind my eyes, deep inside my thoughts it burrowed in and took root...a melancholy, a despair, a sadness...I met strangers - told clever jokes let them compliment my arms - I made innuendo's...the bumper to the nose, a tab here and then when the rolling stopped - another to keep that despair - the visitor ) or would it become a resident ? - nestled in it's hole. I repeated the statement again and again : "No Lucky and I seperated a couple of weeks back" "What - well - I really don't feel comfortable discussing why - but we have and we're buddies and I'll always love him " Yes thank you - we really did make a cute couple - guess that's kinda not the point now anymore is it though"

crap - this is just gonna suck isn't it?