Saturday, March 01, 2003 I shouldn't have been shocked by my ex's erratic behavior over the past two days - he's doing what he does best - childish and selfish behavior. What I hoped to be a clean break is now going to be stretched out over weeks due to his inextricable inability to let go in a normal and realistic fashion.

So how much does it cost to have your locks changed ?

Thursday, February 27, 2003

I guess my wish-making powers may be more powerful than I thought. We're entering our third straight day of rain. I can't remember in my 23 years living in AZ how long it's been since I've seen three straight days of rain.

I've been keeping my head together, reading "The Tao of Pooh" and "The Te of Piglet", dancing around to Massive Attack and Pet Shop Boys, and singing karaoke with Erasures remakes of classic songs. I'm allowing Western Philosophy and Music to lick clean my wounds. Tonight I'm going to see my ten-year old carrot-top nephew perform in his school play - I'm planning a standing ovation each time he enters and exits the stage.

Lucky and I meet on Saturday to tie up lose ends and decide the fate of dog ownership - that's gonna be rough - but somehow I feel very strong right now, not invincible...but humanly engaged.

Tuesday, February 25, 2003's raining today. Pretty much - with out stop and only momentary hesitation - rain has alternately falling gently, briskly and emphatically, all day long. No curious beams of warm, glowing sun to slip cleverly through, just soft grey clouds with even softer white edges interlock over the visible sky.

I feel almost thankful that nature is edging me back into this gently - "Hey - let the guy have a grey, rainy day - he could use it!"

It feels good.

I feel like the earth is willing to sigh and feel sad with me - just so I don't feel alone in this.

I feel sad, but not unhappy. Does that make sense ?

Monday, February 24, 2003

...and so it goes.

It's over.

The conversation has been had and I have ended my relationship - the one that I - and many of our friends were convinced was the one that would really make it and beat the odds. He presented his side that despite the space of the past ten days that he still thought we could make this work. He reminded me of the good times, promises made, plans for the future. He noticed how my eyes would drift off when he spoke. I let his speak, I listened. When I spoke - I finally asked him to just let me go. I wasn't the man he was meant to spend the rest of his life with, for all I tried and hoped - for all his convictions that we were in love and I was the greatest man he had ever known - I'm just not the man for him. As we had both entered our 30's we had begun to grow differently and become unique to each other. I didn't fall apart and neither did he. Once I had spoken he said there wasn't anything I had said he couldn't agree with - we have been here before, we fought to turn this around - couples counseling, seperate residences, days off - despite our pride, our ego, and our geniune love for each other - our relationship was on life support. This time there was less shock, we had both been preparing this last week and a half for that fact that the next conversation may go just like this.

I didnt cry til he left. I went out to my backyard and stared up at the cloudy night sky and wondered "what's next?", I lit up the grill and grilled chicken. I sat down and had dinner and paid my bills. I watched TV. I resumed my life. Then they came - warm, salty tears moving across my cheek bones, falling then flowing along the lines of my neck, coming to a rest at the collar of my shirt.

I will be ok.

I feel sad - but somehow at peace with this.

I don't regret the past three and half years, I will filter out the best memories and try and let go of the hurt.

I think I'll go grocery shopping now.