Saturday, July 21, 2001

OK - last night was the first big night back on the town - man, I just can't drink like I'm 21 anymore - my stomach is planning a protest that makes the G8 summit demonstrations seem tame.

I need to learn to curb my jealousy - I felt the green-eyed monster creep up on numerous occassions when guys would approach my boyfriend - who knew him in my absence (some "knew" him way too well for my taste but we both agreed an open relationship was the only way to manage the 2000 mile distance) - it's just so frigging hard to come face-to-face with these people and see that feeling of intimacy or "knowing" them seemed to have of the man who is the love of my life, my everything. I know it's just sex, I'm more secure with myself then this but man did I start feeling like just crawling inside myself and turning off the lights.

Topping the overwhelming queasy sensation was running into my boyfriends ex. When you just move in with someone - the last thing you want a reminder of is the last person they lived with. My normal selfless/sadomasochistic side made me encourage my boyfriend to be friendly and speak to his ex, of course then I felt myself closing up as I just stood there watching them talk and thought "Shit, don't let us become that - please I never want to use the word ex-boyfriend again".

I hate this side of myself - "Do I look fat in this Blog??" I hate being insecure, wondering what the other guys thoughts are, worrying my boyfriend may not have completely sowed his oats, worrying that I may not be's natural, it will pass - right?

I need some time to settle in here, get my bearings straight, I feel like I'm at a party and I don't know the host - ya know where you keep going up to everyone at the party being overly nice because your worried you'll accidently be rude to the person whose house your in, walking on eggshells...I hope I figure out whose holding this shing-ding soon.