Wednesday, June 12, 2002

Hey, what's up...kinda disappeared on ya didn't I ??

See, I didn't mean to but I'm afraid something very sad has happened - my relationship of almost three years (2 years, 8 1/2 months, but it just gets so old saying that and then people just hear the "Two" part and totally discount the following 8 and 1/2 months) came to an end about a week and half ago.

So I've just been processing - or more likely "going through the motions" and avoiding any contact with the stark reality of what had really happened.

Have you ever done that ?? Made sure you only watched "comedies", listened to "cheerful dance songs" and tried to stay so busy there wasn't time to think.

It's funny though - theres always time to think.

You lay there "alone" (but for some weird reason you still only stay on "your" side of the bed) in the new, supposedly comfortable, but seemingly impossible to sleep on, bed (an unexpected purchase) and no matter how tired you are from moving to your own place and trying to explain (but not "explain" ) to your friends and family what went wrong - when did the happily (how embarrassing how I had told so many friends - soon to be married, or at least engaged) couple stop being 'happy', you don't sleep - you think. Questioning yourself like a B-Rate Movie Actor in a cheesy detective movie questioning a witness from a line-up. Motive? Weapon? Cause of Death?

Since Saturday, my first day in my new house, I kept wanting to fire-up the laptop buried somewhere among the boxes and explain where I've been, tell the story of what happened, where it all took a turn, why at 32 - I now need to learn how to attach the adjective "Single" to the description of who I am again. But instead I bought a couch at Pottery Barn, I began painting what will be my office some fancy-name for Blue by Ralph Lauren, I spent over a thousand dollars at Target buying plates and glasses and linens and pots & pans and ....well, you get the picture. Driving by the house we were having built that had just come to contract and we were to sign on four hours before we broke up. Life runs an odd, jagged path across our heart, through our mind and around our soul sometimes doesn't it ?

So I'm not sure if I'll really lay it out - it seems wrong for some reason - no matter how close I have come to some of my blogger buddies to wring out my heart on this pulsing computer screen, to admit failure, to cry on a keyboard...

...but for those of you who wondered, or worried:

I'm here, I'm around, I'm back.