...his hand brushed slowly - deliberately against the nape of my neck...it was odd how he even found his way next to me on the couch - placed between Noah, tears still framing his eyes, and I. In my mind's eye he was still just walking through the front door, it felt like it had been years since I had seen him and with the weight of the day pushing heavily down on both my shoulders and my spirit - he was such a comforting sight.
My hand worked it's way to his knee - a hybrid of touch and accidental resting place - as we talked of Mike there was some shared anger and resentment, there was sadness and melancholy, and intermingled amongst it all were these three friends - side-by-side for the first time in so many months. Walls created, though not always visible - from the break-up and the break-down of communication.

... I didn't cry. I was offering my strength - a life time of knowing how to hold back my tears til I was alone - broadsided only once when Noah held up a teddy bear Mike had given him. He pressed the button on it's furry black paw - filled with some polyester or fiber, wrapping around the wires and tiny recorder beneath - Mike's voice, so fucking surreal - a prerecorded message "Goodnight Sweetheart". A chill climbed easily to my shoulder - when was the last time I had heard Mike's voice while he was alive ? Suddenly the realization that that last time - was the "last" time.

There were other visitors - some there for the same reason - some not. Smiles, jokes to break the tension. I can hold melancholy like a marathon dancing companion when I'm alone - but in front of others - I tell jokes, I laugh things off - I do anything but show what's going on inside. There was flirting, we watched movies and the hours passed. Should I go now ? What about now ? Do I go home and look through photo's, find the one's I'll bring to the memorial. Can I handle that - alone in my house - 3x5 ghosts slipping through my fingers. Where are the photo albums and boxes and pictures - at his house or mine?

Back on the couch - more bravely - I offer my reassurance by tracing patterns on the back of his head - my fingers dancing lighly across his shoulders - how many times had I been here before ?
No malice.
No tension.
We were here in unified sadness.

What if had been he or I ? What if I really lost him - could I live with that, could he?
Was there a message in Mike's death? No note - so what was your message - what would you say about the way we were conducting ourselves at this moment if you could ?

I received the rather unsettling and depressing news this morning that my friend Mike took his life.

This news took over a week to get to our circle since Mike moved to Orlando a few months back - odd, you never think in this day and age - that news this grave wouldn't be just a quick call/email/IM away.

So what now?

My mind races...when was our last conversation - last month, right??
Did I make you laugh?
Did I make you smile?
Did I remind you that I loved you?

I remember your going away party - was it three months ago - a couple of weeks before this break-up consumed me. I was so happy for you - I thought the change would be good for you. You didn't want the going away party but it was so nice to see the people who showed up. You insisted on leaving immediately the next day - no Sunday BBQ - you were severing some ties - I could see that - funny how blind I still must have been though, uh? Well, not too funny.

You called Lucky and I after hearing we broke up. You were so geniunely upset by it - crap - did I even ask about you - the last time we spoke - did I even look beyond my own problems during the conversation. I always tried to treat you extra-special, with kid gloves, you always seemed to feel the odd man out : in our circle, at the gym, at the parties...how often would I find you alone in the corner, quiet, a gentle waning smile, those huge brown eyes, something about you seemed so fragile - a remember refering to you as a "sad puppy dog" one time - what a fucking ass I am.

Did I make you feel that way? I swear I thought I gave you love - I remember offering my friendship - a message I left you on your answering machine: "Ya know buddy - you could just come to the movies or the bar with me sometimes - you aren't just Noah's friend/boyfriend/ex-boyfriend?" - you were cute about it afterwards. At the gym - you just wanted to be part of it - so four of us would try and get through a routine, I doubt I even hid how much that drove me up the wall and added on to our work-out time. You were at a different end of the lifting spectrum. I tried to spot and encourage you - you always tried too hard - I just worried that you were gonna blow a muscle. Dammit - you stopped working out with us - felt you were slowing us down - did I make you feel that way Mike? Did I make you think it wasn't worth it to have a hug and a smile from you?

I remember your birthday party and double dates and circuit parties and tea dances - you always went home early. I remember the night I pulled up in my shiny new car - we had the windows down - it was a Spring night, Lucky across from me, you and Noah in the back - the four of us drove around, my first passengers in my shiny new car. I wish I could remember what the CD was that was playing - I thought it was Chicane - which ironically enough I bought for the Bryan Adams induced vocals on "Don't Give Up". Is that what happened buddy, you just gave up - sick of feeling sick, sick of feeling tired, were you sick of it all - were you sick of us ? You thanked me afterward for letting you be the first passenger - you hugged me and you told me how much I deserved this and my new found success, you said you knew how hard I had worked - at first I thought you were just in a k-hole, but you really meant it. I remember dropping you guys off and then driving off with Lucky - the love of my life by my side and those words - your words still echoing in my ears as I got home.

My God - did the world turn upside down since that sweet, warm Spring night?

You fucker. You absolute fucker.

I can't say goodbye. I can't say don't do it. I can't ask to help. I can't offer to hug you and tell you to hold on. There were more chapters in the book - there was so much more to read, there even blank pages - pages we could have all written on together: about parties, and barbeques, and boys, and movies, and jokes, and friends...but now they'll just go blank.

You took that chance away from us all.

I'll miss you.

Love

Me

I believe that if stranded on a desert island with John Madden that:

First - he would bore me to death with his never-had-but often thought about love affair with Joe Montana

Second - he would then proceed to tie my limbs together like his freakish Super Bowl Turkey, throw me on a fire and then devour me with 1 bite - 1 gulp - 1 burp

Third - he would then proceed to bore himself to death - but on his final death bed - confuse himself in near-death dementia with the fucked-up Super Bowl Turkey sitting on a bed of greens - and devour himself.

Yeah !!! Monday Night Football - DIE JOHN MADDEN.

sweetness.
falling backwards - gentle swooping somersaults
deftly performed
by your smile.

I hope today (Monday) is a lovely day for you - perform some aerobatics - curl those lips - perform...a smile.

..gingerly...as if walking on black ice in downtown Milwaukee after one, two, seven Mandarin & Tonics at Elsa's in the dead of winter (flashback!) I approach the subject of sudden departing, disappearing and reappearing bloggers.

It's times like these that the "real world" with it's face-to-face, tactile, man-handling, hugs and kisses on the cheek, seeing what I look like at 8am on a Saturday morning fresh from bed (well - actually skanky from bed) or drunk at 1am searching the bar for self-assurance, self-recognition and self-confidence, wins out. The friendships I build in that world still come with those wonderful red velvet museum ropes - you know the ones that keep you from ever getting to close to the art - allowing you to see the beauty of the painting (whether it suits your personal taste or not is a different matter) - but not every brush stroke, every color, every detail. I can be guarded and I have some control.

In that "real" world I still risk building friendships with people who may find jobs in other cities, move across town to a bigger house with their new beau or even reach the expiration point of their lives (thank god we don't come with those damn freshness date stamps they now have on beer - wouldn't that freak me out - I EXPIRE when ???!!!!)...but if they do - I still am giving a chance to say goodbye, go to the going-away party, or drive across town (because I would) for the housewarming party or come to the wake and look down at you, tears filling my eyes, but a gentle smile curling across my lips as I think of a private joke.

You see in the real world - even if there is not always warning there is still more time to say goodbye. I don't flip through my links one day to realize that some people went away one day and never came back. I don't just show up at a web page to be confused by a cryptic message or a goodbye note. Leaving me somewhat wounded - a little hurt - and saddened at your loss.

I'm not slamming anyone here. Writing these things is an extremely personal issue for most - and for many it needs to serve a cathartic purpose and just like therapy of any form - sooner or later - it may not be needed. One day all of my jigsaw pieces: Work, Home, Family, Love and Sex may fall effortlessly, perfectly and wonderfully into place...and if they do I hope to write about them...and maybe at that point I may go away. But for me this blog has journaled over a year and a quarter of my life - I have walked back through every entry (some clever, some depressing, some lame, some wonderful) and been enlightened to the good, the bad and the ugly of who I am - and it is the people who have read me, and written me, and cared for me - that have made me feel so very alive - so incredibly connected to something so much bigger than I - the WORLD.

But it is easier in the real world and that's where I think I'll spend the rest of today - with my dog, with my friends, with my thoughts...

...though I promise you I'll be back.

As an ex-Marketing Director, I appreciate the brand extension of a product line just like the next guy - but "Garlic" Triscuits are PLAIN WRONG. I thought I was eating a clove. Sick, just plain sick about it.
Ok - you can resume what you were doing now.

A few brief images (which are probably gonna slow down the loading of this page - sorry) and thoughts from the weekend:

• You took a piece of my tattered heart back to NYC with you - I fucking adore your smile, your honesty and your vunerability
  
• What a COMPLETE treat - ALDO (So talented - damn - i hope I didnt freak you out) and Scott & Jay (Beautiful Bears with honey pots to tempt!)
  
• Chicago boys are different - they are better - they love you for who you are - they don't ask what you do, or what you drive, or who you know - they just walk up and say : "Your fucking cute - ya wanna FUCK ??"
  
• There really is something awesome of being part of that "brotherhood", a big group of guys who look out for you, love you, respect you and treat you like blood, even when your not.
  
• It really is an awesome feeling meeting other bloggers face-to-face and finally really knowing them.
  
• I loved the hotel, downtown, Boystown, room service, the weather - but NOTHING beats waking up next to my dog in the morning.
  
• I think I'm ready to start loving myself again
  
• This is something special - that you BETTER check out
  

OK - and now a few picks:

interesting.

Leo Horoscope for August 15th, from Free Will Astrology


My acquaintance Renata is a sculptor who creates animals from marble and limestone. She likes to say that her art consists of liberating the figures that are buried inside the stone. She doesn't build a statue, then, as much as she carves away the stuff that's obscuring it. I recommend that you borrow Renata's approach, Leo. The thing you love and need and deserve already exists, whole and complete. All you have to do is eliminate the inessential elements that are keeping it unavailable to you.


Anyone got a chisel and a hammer I could use ??

update:

I laid low today - very low (think Anne Frank & the attic), but I did alot of thinking and when the Ex came by to drop of the dog - I said my goodbyes - I stood my ground that I can only move forward and couldn't do so processing all the "coulds" and "shoulds" of where I/ He/ We went wrong.

I cried in front of him - sobbed in his arms - but they were tears for me - not him, and it didnt give him power over me to see me this way. I'm not sure where we'll proceed from here - no matter how painful it was - I offered him Baby - to help sever that last tie - he asked me to hold on that decision for now til I'm thinking clearly. I know that he still cares for me as deeply as I care for him - and I can see the hurt in his every action. Getting my distance - letting the healing start - isn't telling him I don't love him, it's telling him I love us both.

So - the 32nd year and it's pains and it's sadness have ended - 33 has begun - and bathed in emotion - I proceed forward feeling somehow cleansed and more alert. I have changes to make - my home, my life, my job, my friends, my spirit - maybe one maybe all - but the cogs of change are in motion - I will stop looking over my shoulder to see what I'm leaving behind...

thank you for the wishes and the words and the love today.

...so here it is the big 33. Uh, doesn't feel like much of a change - if anything I guess my biggest hope for it is it offers me a smoother ride than the last three years did - I would give up the volume of meteorotic highs if if would dull down the amount of devastating lows I had to experience.

A poorly timed hour long call with the "X" - while I was at work wrapping up my day - who hasn't spoken to me for 3 weeks - sent be spiralling down a staircase of despair, regret, sadness and heartbreak last night. Could I possibly want him back - could I possibly believe 2.5 months into this that maybe I/He/We had made a mistake. Did I really pull the trigger - or does it matter if he loaded the gun and handed it to me ? How it stung to hear him admit the words it was over - did he ever even try to get me back? And how it stung worse when he said after 2.5 months that he was already seeing someone. But I should feel comforted that it wasnt going well and no one liked the new guy and he still loved me. And how I know that I still love him and how did I believe that I wasn't partly still in love with him.

It was the worst of the three breakdowns/crying fits/whatever since the breakup - it was the darkest, most dangerous and scariest - like the first time your alone in a house as a young boy. I couldnt call anyone - I thought about asking someone to get over immediate before something terrible happened - but I rode it out like a herion junkie through his first days of recovery - locked in a padded room as he bounces of the walls - the human pinball machine with gears made of emotions. I read everyone of his cards - 14 in 3 years including the post-breakup ("I will always be your best friend, I will always love you") card and holiday cards, two of the cards came at the same time - so over 3 years I averaged one card every 3 months - a quarterly thing like a "bonus". Funny - I thought love was more like a salary - the stuff you lived on to get by. I'm being petty and I know he would be angry and see this as thus - but come on - it's symbolic of something more. Could you build the greatest skyscraper your ever saw on the Chicago skyline - if you wanted to just stop in now and then and work on it ?? Could you tend to the most beautiful garden - rows of gardienia, irises, lilies, snapdragons - you had ever seen - if you chose to water it on "just the holidays" or when you were drunk ?? Could you maintin a lover - no matter how much he loved you and prayed it would be forever if you never found time among your hobbies and personal interests and work and home to have him feel he was loved and part of your life too ?? But since it was apparently me who uttered the break-up words - I was the one who gave up, didnt work hard enough and didnt believe in forever...I was to blame.

I hate this - there is no win - either way I am without the person I love, who I called my best friend, who I wished to be my forever...and now I judge my whole life against this failure. I rethink the past years and the lows and what part I played in them, my head swims trying to figure out for how much I am to blame - how high do I really set the bar ?? How much do I really demand in return ??

And it sucks - at 33 - on this day - to have it begin this way...

...setback.
never really makes much sense does it where love comes from and where it goes.
I met a wonderful man this weekend who acted - actually that's not fair, genuinely behaved as if - the world revolved around me and made me feel safe...then my ex calls and i fall apart........

I'm back and want to post about everything and (cough-cough) everyone (and NAMES will be mentioned, PICTURES were taken and PEOPLE will be exposed - or was it that I exposed myself to people, denied my name and begged them to take pictures)...edging off of a really hellish "black tuesday" that showed up on monday - leaving Chicago - a place I just feel more at home and honestly a little more appreciated...was amazingly depressing. Oh well. Will catch up on the details later tonight.

Random List for Idle Thoughts:

• If I were Louie I'd lick your face (shit - I wouldn't stop there, but it's a start) til you smiled again
  
• How will I come off to you and you this weekend: Stud, Dork, or Friend.
  
• How much it sucked seeing the 'X' today.
  
• Veered from the anger and sadness and marched my ass to the gym.
  
• Haven't let my gym trips control me before this trip - if they like me, they like all of me including the love handles
  
• You have become a true and very cherished friend.
  
• The house has this uneasiness, this melancholy - without Baby here.
  
• I've laid out all the clothes, yet still yet to pack - something about this trip has that "bigger-than-it-is" feeling - like an epiphany or something is awaiting me in Chicago
  
• I am very, very excited to see the "L-Train", "Blue Eyes" and my whore-ish "Brother/Sister" this weekend...it will feel so good to be with these old friends again.
  
• I gotta get packing - sorry...think warm thoughts of yourself, someone should besides just me.

"The Great Dog Exchange" occurs tonight with the 'X'.

It hasn't for 2 weeks sinced he's been on back-to-back weekend vacations and Baby has been with me the whole time. For me this has been pure delight - waking in the middle of the night to find her pressed against me, having her to come home to, playing soccer in the back yard - it's weird, but I guess she's where all of my love was redirected to after the break-up. For the most part since the break-up Baby has been with me - I think this will only be the second time I will have gone an entire week without seeing her. Luckily I planned my Chicago weekend with this in mind and it makes it easier to be without my dog knowing I will be out of town for 4 of those 7 days anyway.

I'm pretty much sick to my stomach and have been since yesterday at the thought of seeing the 'X', we last spoke 2 weeks ago and since he has asked that we cut ties all together while he works through his anger and grieving - it makes it all the more uncomfortable to have to spend even a second, face-to-face with him today.

I honestly feel on the verge of throwing up.

It's these moments you just think - was it all worth it - was three years worth all of this bull-shit. I have to admit I'll turn a cold eye at any future relationships - I'm just wiped out with opening up a vein, a heart, my mind, my bed, (my ass), my wallet, my home, my family's home, my history, my circle of friends, whatever...

It's one of the things I hate about having come out so young (12)...I have had "many" boyfriends (though I have only 'loved' two) - not because I can't keep a relationship, but imagine if the majority (21 YEARS!!!) of your dating experience occurred between your teens and your twenties - OF COURSE you would have had a lot of boyfriends. So I have placed my heart on the blacksmiths anvil again and again, and again, and the marks of the scalding, burning, disfiguring, branding iron have left so many tracks, burns, scars and marks, that sometimes it's hard to find what's left of my heart.

...but somehow the fucker is always there
- beating lightly, but strong and steady - my whole damn life.

So I'll look at the 'X' today and despite any feeling, any hatred and any sensation that rifles through my body and mind - I still love him and a part of that heart will beat for and because of him.

....hmmm, this Chicago trip is shaping up interestingly....never really 'fearful' of traveling alone, especially in a city where I already call so many people friends...but with the wide collection of events and wide range of interests I want to hit circuit parties, leather bars, the regular bars, some downtown sites and time with friends from both Milwaukee and Chicago - I was a little worried that not everything will come together. And there's nothing worse then standing alone at a circuit party thinking, um, uh If the drugs kick in I guess I'll have the guts to just get lost in the crowd and make friends...but friends, old and new, seem to be pouring out of the woodwork and it looks like I'll have time alone and not alone.

See what happens when you mention out loud how bad you need to get laid.

Not In This Life

Lately I've been walking all alone through the wind and through the rain,
been walking through the streets and finding sweet relief in knowing it won't be that long,
Lately it's occured to me that I've had enough of that and lately I've been satisfied by simple things like breathing in and out.

Never again, not in this life, will I be taken twice.
Never again no, never on your life, will I make the same mistake.
I can't make it twice.

Oh lately it's occured to me exactly what went wrong.
I realized I comprimised.
I sacrificed far too much far too long.

Never again, not in this life, will I be taken twice.
Never again, not on your life, will I make the same mistake twice.
Starting out from here today, swear I'm gonna change my ways.
Once mistaken in this life - but never twice...

Never again, not in this life, will I be taken twice will I be taken twice.
Never again, not on your life , will I make the same mistake .
Never again, never on your life, will I make the smame mistake,
I can't make it twice.
Starting out from here today....

FROM: Ms Natalie Merchant

ALBUM: Motherland, Track 11.

SONG: Not In This Life

Don't worry if you scroll the dirty pics are still there....

...surreal weekend.

Running into a lot of faces from the not-so-distant past, not-so-distant future, soon to be shelved friendships and some being dusted off and put back on the shelf. It's odd how far reaching this break-up has been in my life - what people have attempted to take advantage of it, what people have offered more than they've asked and what people just can't be trusted. Sometimes you fell the person questioning and you can feel them leading - they want 'dirt', they crave 'gossip' - pulling, yanking, fucking with your emotional condition hoping to get something juicy to discuss over breakfast in the morning.

I saw "him" last night - not the 'Ex', the one I never talk about, the one who for some reason made my heart skip when I was in love with another man - the one who set the wheels in motion - how unhappy I had become in the relationship. I felt stupid - but glad that I had put extra thought and care in to what I was wearing - I had wanted to look good last night - sexy - but not sleazy, Intelligent but not unapproachable - did he get the nerd glasses with the wife-beater - the 'conflict' I was suggesting to my nature. Maybe an outfit shouldn't such deep-meaning, eh?

My younger companion - all of 20 - made it confusing to him - had I taken a younger lover to replace my 'Ex' ?? Maybe he didn't wonder at all. He hemmed and hawed - I made him nervous, he shifted from foot-to-foot...why is he boyish fear of me all the more compelling - but there was no time to find out and the bar was swimming with people and the 20 year old really wanted to be where everyone else was going - the one place - I knew I didn't and couldn't be...this single thing was becoming complicated...the 'date' from the other night would be there and so would the friend who I adored - who wants more from me, and now has laid it on the line to speak my mind on what that means to me - my cornered answer not being what he wanted to hear - my decision unsound - but based firmly in the unshakeable feeling that I'm just not ready - embarrassingly uneasy.

Once I was free from that first bar and I had convinced the 20 year old to go to Amsterdam and Boom instead - some of the tension moved away. He's a good kid and I think I'll probably take him under the wing and protect him in my paternal way, I tried to make it clear from the get go what this is - and what this is not. More familiar, strange and strangely familiar faces at Boom.

I drank, I bumped, I dropped - how did I used to be able to do this 3 nights in a row ??

I didnt even waste time going through the body concious crisis of image and just pulled of the shirts and looped them through my belt loops and created my world on the dance floor nestled between people I had known for 14 years and 14 minutes...I lost myself there til 4am, and declined the after-hour invitations, "But Everyones Going..." "You have to go - you can't go home yet?" "Here I'll drive with you"....No, No, and No thank you.

I just wanted to be with my dog, on my bed lying next to each other - the sound of her breath lazily spilling out as her black fur, her little body rises than falls...

It felt so unreal and then real last night - my old life, the relationship, the group of friends, the gym at 530pm, dinner at 7pm, then 'Everybody Loves Raymond' (his show, not mine) by 930pm, the structure of my days and the pattern of my nights, the sense of familiarity, normalcy and security - are all gone...

I fell sleeping into a small corner of my bed, almost taking up no room at all ...the bed neatly made this morning with ease - and excluding the space taken up by my dog - back to mine - curled in a ball at the small of my back...'his' side (in a bed he's never slept) remained unfilled - a reminder to the fact that I am still slowly moving on.

ok....so Chris and I started talking about how I cant take sexy pics of myself unless I'm a little buzzed, and this whole nipple pic thing and then the pics on this dear boys site - set me in motion to go maybe a step above or a side so, um , yeah, here ya go - me bored on a Friday night:







Begin the water-cooler chit-chat.....uh, now.

ok - not one to be left out, but not wanting my head cut off - sorry Greg, it's part of the package. :)

I give you my nipples:

5 Truths and 1 Lie : Revisited

• I once dated a US Olympic Speed Skating Coach. His legs and ass are still among the most amazing I've ever seen.
  
• Two of the guys I have dated have ended up in multiple porns and 1 in Playgirl.
  
• I was taught how to make a martini when I was 6.
  
• I am an agnostic.
  
• I have dent in my head from when I was struck in the head with a baseball bat when I was two.
  
• Even though I managed a 4.0 in every class I took in college, I flunked Calculus three times, getting me so worked up that I would either cry or vomit before exams - because I just couldn't get it.
  

...so this may seem shocking and I'm not giving any details yet, but I went on my first date last night - a simple dinner at a good restaurant - an incredibly deep and intellectual conversation and then a drink a Merc - afterwards. No sex, I didn't promise a second, it wasn't hell, I didn't open a wound a the wrist.

That's all I'm saying.

and by the way Chicago-area Bloggers be warned - I just confirmed my flights for 'Market Days' and my big 33rd Bday.....1 week and counting til I start having cheap, 1 night stand sex again...woo-hoo.

Advice 101 : A good buddy, one who has always been a touch stone in my life - told me today that his distance over the past few months is because he found out he tested positive. What is the ettiquite of the reaction to the statement ?? I didnt and dont know. I wanted to cry. But I just let him talk til he seemed like he didn't need to talk anymore. Then I just said "Hey - I love you". And then he turned the subject to my break-up and we moved on, but I feel like I fumbled the ball somehow - there was something missing in my reaction...but what?

...do you ever go to "expose" yourself to one of your friends or a new "interest" - I mean heart/soul/intellect here gutter-minded boyz (you know who you are *smirk*), and you fumble and stumble and tumble...and then your just kinda staring each other and there's this painful stabbing sensation in your head that says:

"I'm pretty sure by my explanation that this person thinks that I am a Satanist, masturbate to swedish kiddie porn, have had sex with livestock, yarn and the Ziegfried Follies and run naked covered in yams at midnight to find myself"

...uh, this was not the "self" I was hoping to expose.

Maybe I just sound better on paper.

ok - is it me, or my computer, but everytime I post lately I get "one chance" spell-checking, grammar be damned - every time I use the Blogger 'Edit' function and correct typographical errors the screen goes blank - anyone elses having this problem ?

I've become waaaaaaaaaay too much of a movie addict lately, but with the combination of a 65 inch TV (Yes, sometimes, size does matter) and the 6.1 surround sound I just can't get enough of my little "Movie Mayhem" get-away nights lately....though I admit I really need to lay off the kitty vision - I'm starting to lose touch with reality and my dog is looking at me funny, or maybe I'm starting to look funny and the dog is losing touch with reality - whatever ? But in all of the movies I have digested this weekend and weeknights I can't tell you how blown away I was by The Devils Backbone by Gullerimo Del Toro y Pedro Almodovar....storytelling at it's best for sure. And I love a good ghost story to boot (and I didnt mind the hot sexy latin bad guy either)....I also rewatched and re-fell-in-love-with "The Ice Storm" by Ang Lee (really cant get how one goes from this haunting and amazing look at the complexities of life, growing up, becoming and staying sexual to the 'The Hulk' but oh well - god knows I'm pretty scattered!)...I cried and cried and cried after wtaching this one, took a good half-hour of cuddling with my dog and then of course the whole LOVE BOMB experience the next day, to get over it.

To those who bombed me you know who you are....the feeling is more then mutual...and as for YOU, well I'll pondering the way to bring this love back to you as well...

....Damn, I gave new meaning to the lyrics of the old Lyold Cole ong "Lost Weekend"....fianlly went to bed arouns 2pm today - cat napped til six and then made soup. (It's good for the soul)....I was the offensive party boy this weeekend Connie, Kitty, Elaine, Valium.....enough numbing to pull off my shirt and shake my ass to the groovy beatys at BOOM... the tattoo is like a beacons amazing how well people have received it. I know the drugs helped my comfort level - but you know what - I WAS ME this weekend, raw, flirtatious, sexual, primal, funny - ME. I turned heads that had seen me a thousand times before - why now I wonder - why now to you fidnsome mystique to me. How hard to be the "Single Friend" - there werre smiles and touches and possibilities, but in a million years I couldn't even consider bedding someone down - ironic - my dick wants to play.plow.prod.poke. sooooooooo bad, but intstead I give hugs, amybe a peck on the cheek and mheart skips a beat wonder what the first time will be like. I was reckless and wrong, a force to be wreackoned with - a quiet storm building off the eastern front - I held an air of melancholy that may - or may not have made me more alluring....it's all so odd ya know. this new place.... singledom.

I thought about correcting all the grmmatical/seplling errors - but hey - what the fuck, right?

...it would be hard to say I've been anything but a bit of a downer lately...I really, truly am sorry. The irony is the past couple of days "in the real world", I've been this bouncy shiny happy being...it's oddly bi-polar. My pain is ebbing (pushed away by anger) and I've been spending time pushing through some hellish morning work-outs at the gym, walks then cuddling with the dog and hanging with friends who make me feel safe. If I've been remiss in writing, sharing, calling - it'll pass, I'll make you smile again soon, I want to hug you, tell you a dirty joke, mess with your hair, kiss you on your forehead, sucker-punch you in the arm - I want to make you not worry about me, and feel safe that I'll get through this, but needless to say - I know your there and I feel "sure" of you and that's all this queer lil boy trapped in a man's body could ever hope.

I used to rever you...
I'm trying hard to ignore you...
But now I resent you...
I wish that I could forget you...


You have nothing to offer...
You see there is no second chance here...
Theres no looking back now...
You know theres nothing to work out...


It shouldn't be so hard for you to understand....
Why should I wait for you to come around......
there's no way out...theres no way out....theres no way out...


There's no way out


It shouldn't be so hard for you to understand....
there's no way out...theres no way out....theres no way out...
Why should I have to wait for you to come around......
there's no way out...theres no way out....theres no way out...
Can't you see I want my own part of love...
there's no way out...theres no way out....theres no way out...

(From Side 1, Track 11 - just wait a minute til it kicks in - "No Way Out" by Highland from Paul Oakenfeld "Perfecto Presents Another World")

remember that movie "Fargo" by the Coen Brothers - remember the scene where the one guy stuffs the other guy into the wood chipper - tonight I felt like that "other guy" - wood chip anyone? Thanks sweetheart.

Meeting with the "X" for dinner tonight. Not sure why I'm doing this to myself - lately as he works himself through the anger stage he shows little more for me then contempt. It's a funny feeling to be hated by someone who once thought the world began and ended with you - now he can barely speak to me as if I was another human. At times I find myself just tired - mentally and physically exhausted of trying to be understanding, trying to appreciate why he feels this way and needs to be so cold to me. I guess I just wonder why I don't just start going this direction myself - feeding off of all the shitty things he said and did that motivate me to finally say goodbye. I'm trying to be bigger then this - I'm not perfect - far from it - at the end of the relationship I began to chill towards him as well, I shuddered everytime he went to touch me, I dreaded time alone with him, I fought the urges to bite off his head every time he commented on another man.

Embarassingly I have purchased 8 shirts to choose from - hoping to be handsome, but not look like I'm trying. I bought a new pair of Steve Maddens hoping to look cool, trendy, but not like I'm trying. I'll leave work early to have a nice haircut - high and tight - to look clean and younger, but not like I'm trying. My nerves so raw my face keeps breaking out, I'll try to clear or conceal, but not look like I'm trying. It seems so sad, so embarassing how hard I am ... not trying.

I keep sketching out plans for the "Heartbreak Time Machine" - this savior vessel that will teleport me to a future where our hearts have both mended, we've blocked out the arguments and sadness that began to bleed into everyday of our existance. But I can't seem to find all the parts that make the machine work - I can make it fly on paper - I can envision it taking away the pain and whisking it all away to a place that's better...but beyond that all I have to show for the labor is pieces of paper ripped, torn and crumpled - vagrants hanging desolately around a garbage can.

So here I go again stepping into traffic on a busy highway, hoping I'll side-step the semi's, jostle my way around the winnebagos and jump over the convertibles. Know that at some time tonight I'll be in tears, shoulders shaking, head in my hands and I'll be wondering when the time machine will come pick me up - maybe think a good thought for me - wish me through this - even, sketch your own time machine...and pass your thoughtful hand - ever so gently across my cheek to catch the tears before they drop to the ground.

ouch! Had one of my teeth pulled/extracted/yanked/stolen - whatever today - total blood fest....doped to the gils on Vicodien & Valium...need to catch up on email but I'm zoning hard.....be back soon I swear - with a much nicer smile (and NO I'm not getting rid of the gap between my front teeth - I was kinda offended they asked me if I wanted to fix that - I'd lose my rough trade/white trash status!)

Thanks sweetheart for sheperding me back and forth from the dentist - I know you just wanted to see my drooling John Merrick/Elephant Man impersonation... too embarrasing how I always let you see me at my worst - I just must totally fucking adore you or something.

fucking blogger...acting funny...cookies , what?? Here I am ready to hit the town - wish me luck.

...baby steps...in an effort to get some spiritual healing tomorrow I booked myself a day package at the Biltmore Spa tomorrow ....massage, facial, steam (maybe they'll be some action there ;) !!)
...sorry I vented so much yesterday.

Stealing from my adorable cyber-boyfriend here:

Five truths and One lie

Though my first sexual experience with a boy was at 12 and I had several there after, I didn't have an orgasm until 17 when I fucked a high school track star - from a competing school nonetheless - on the bathroom floor of my girlfriends house using Pert Shampoo as lubricant.

I have held a dying man in my arms - unable - in shock to remember the if, whens and hows of CPR.

As a writer/graphic artist I have been published twice once for a Childrens Book at 14 years of age and once for a Coloring Book at 19 years of age.

I have been in 2 porns, one straight, one gay - both under the name Holden Hardon.

I have an irrational fear of being pushed into a pool after being pushed by my bigger brother into a frozen pool and becoming trapped underneatch the ice. and will not stand too close to one at parties for fear that someone will find humor in doing so to me.

To my Ex. Something I forgot to say on the phone today:

Fuckoff Fuckoff Fuckoff Fuckoff Fuckoff
Fuckoff Fuckoff Fuckoff Fuckoff Fuckoff
Fuckoff Fuckoff Fuckoff Fuckoff Fuckoff
Fuckoff Fuckoff Fuckoff Fuckoff Fuckoff
Fuckoff Fuckoff Fuckoff Fuckoff Fuckoff
Fuckoff Fuckoff Fuckoff Fuckoff Fuckoff
Fuckoff Fuckoff Fuckoff Fuckoff Fuckoff
Fuckoff Fuckoff Fuckoff Fuckoff Fuckoff

LEO Horoscope from Free Will Astrology:

I hope you say more goodbyes in the next week than you have in the previous 11 months combined. It's past time, sweet prince or princess, to bid adieu to all the things that no longer serve you -- and even to some things that do serve you but demand too high a price in return. So please say au revoir to your obsolete game plans and adios to your outmoded assumptions. Bark sayonara at your rickety psychological crutches and auf Wiedersehen*at the symbol that reminds you of your deepest resentment. Whisper begone, nuisance at all illusions that divide you against yourself.


Somehow it's there everywhere around me lately...choices, attitude, thoughts, actions, dreams, fears, friends, enemies, I don't think I've turned out to be who I was meant to be - somewhere along a jagged, winding path over many hills (some beautiful, some ugly) - I've ended up this person that I love, but in that way you love the misfit in a drama or very black comedy who means so well but never seems to get it right - who charges in guns blazing, off of misinformation or a desire to be the hero. If I were to be a King - my kingdom would be "The Island of Misfit Toys".

I have a good life, I am lucky - everyone has heartache and grief - but now how do I change ?

how do I make sure I grow ?

How do I weed out some of the darker and damaging forces I've allowed to take root in my life ?

You may not believe it
But I don't believe in miracles anymore
And when I think about it
I don't believe I ever did for sure
All the things I've said in songs
All the purple prose you bought from me
Reality's just black and white
The sentimental things I'd write
Never meant that much to me

I used to be the main express
All steam and whistles heading west
Picking up my pain from door to door
Riding on the storyline
Furnace burning overtime
But this train don't stop,
This train don't stop,
This train don't stop there anymore

You don't need to hear it
But I'm dried up and sick to death of love
If you need to know it
I never really understood that stuff
All the stars and bleeding hearts
All the tears that welled up in my eyes
Never meant a thing to me
Read 'em as they say and weep
I've never felt enough to cry

When I said that I don't care
It really means my engine's breaking down
The chisel chips my heart again
The granite cracks beneath my skin
I crumble into pieces on the ground

This Train Don't Stop There Anymore

Music by Elton John
Lyrics by Bernie Taupin
Available on the album Songs From The West Coast

man - is today - "outpouring of love day" or what....color me "tickle-pink" with some of the really sweet and even better "naughty" emails I have been receiving today.

And why yes maybe I will open up an all you can eat pizza buffet & boxer shorts emporium after all...

hmmm....apparently someone thinks I'm "gross"...response:

Fuck You.

Love & Hugs to the rest.

oh god...well we know you don't read my blog for the "Oprah-esque" insights...pics from my evening alone:

• spanking the monkey
  
• choking the chicken
  
• flogging the bishop
  
• massaging the meat
  
• stretching the staff
  
• rolling the rod
  
• raising the sail
  
• taking a personal moment
  
• finding God
  
• getting to know myself
  
• taking time for personal relief
  
• taming the monster
  
• Where's Waldo?
  
• jerking off
  
• whacking off
  
• solo performance
  
• going blind

...upwards of 2-5 times a day lately I'm indulging in "personal time". Running late for work - wonder why? Didn't get to the gym - wonder why? Staying in tonight - wonder why ? Haven't pursued and MBA - well maybe that is for other reasons...

But I'm starting to wonder how long do I allow myself this post-break-up-masturbation-marathon, seriously when will it affect my desire to even leave the house and start looking for a third hand to do the job...or is it even a sign of a greater depression then I'm dealing with. I mean it's not like I'm replacing endless nights of passion - in the last few months of the relationship the bed saw nothing more exciting than the occassional snoring or bad dream. I'm certainly spending a fortune on DVD porn.

Even now I type this blog with freshly used hands (does that make you feel dirty, baby ?)

Someone tape my hands behind my back.

What a strange weekend. Felt like I had to pull out my "No Drama" defense spray a couple of times. This being single crap is like walking in mud - no matter how hard you try not to track it in to your house it's hard not to. What's the secret to making guys understand that "I'm not looking to date anyone right now" is not a covert phrase for "Meet me at the marriage alter". I don't like to hurt people and try especially hard to be considerate of others who are flattering enough to deem me "groovy", but shit if I don't seem to fuck it up anyway.

The strange and delightful high points of the weekend came the multiple times I got to hang out with the Rickers and the Swish. The best being an impromptu dinner of Pizza by candlelight at my humble abode after some pretty vicious monsoons (Chris tried to warn you Jeff) ripped through the valley and left many of us without power, flooded roads, downed trees, power lines and upwards of 100 cars at the airport smashed by "rolling" garbage dumpsters. Personally I think I did a pretty good jump driving in "zero" visibility - admit it - you were a little nervous eh? Other highlights were: a fairly scandalous trip to see male strippers - uh mum's the word on that sojourn guys, ok? Beer Bust at NuTowne. Gay Country Western Line Dancing at Charlies (we just watched - but Jeff was dying to get out there) and breakfast at the Good Egg (this was after these two tag teamed my virgin ass for what seemed like an eternity - kinda like watching 'Star Wars - Attack of the Clones')

PS - The tattoo went over very, very well...healing really nicely - and yes my very sexy inquirers - I'm staying out of the sun and already am planning on making this one bigger.

soooo, someone got their "first" tattoo, oooooooh - I'm a bad boy.

.....so far you've been lucky....be warned....I now have a cable modem at home which means if i'm drunk...you'll know.

Thanks to Noah & Nicky for saving me tonight...thank you for turning your head as I cried, and cried, and cried...man did I show who I reallly was tonight...did I let it all come forward, or not ??? BIG FUCKING MESS, not so tough am I? Crying, bawling, liike a little girl over my smashed, my broken, heart...

Today's Horoscope:

LEO

Joshua trees, native to the Mojave Desert, are both hardy and delicate. While they may live as long as ten centuries, their flowers blossom just one night each year and can only be pollinated by the Yucca moth. At this moment, Leo, you remind me of a Joshua tree. Very soon, there will be a brief window of opportunity for you to be psychically fertilized, and you will need a specific agent to do the job. If all conditions are right, a blessed awakening will occur. Even if the beauty that sprouts is visible for just a short time, its effects will last for years.


Ok, screw the ice cubes - I guess someone needs to pollinate me, any takers ?

A quick note of CONGRATULATIONS to everyone's favorite unemployed-blogger on his new job.

I still think you should have taking the Head Trainer position at Hooters but that's just so I could see your fuzzy legs in orange satin shorts.

I'm proud of you babe.

Ok - the heat is really, REALLY getting to me.

I'm just becoming (well maybe becoming makes it sound like the beginning stages - when I'm more "Latent") a real bitch (ok, scratch that 'Dick', I hate calling myself a bitch). I have no patience for anything or anyone lately. You would think after all of the hot, dry, sizzling, burn your hand on a door handle, summers I have had in AZ I would be used to this, but compound it with the restless, easily distracted, constantly horny, chronically masturbating, often cranky, unable to complete any project, hand me the bumper, open me a beer - beaaatch, can't fall asleep, but keep oversleeping, attitude I've got going right now - it seems hotter, my back sweater, my balls itchier...

Any one of you big, handsome, sexy boys got an ice-cube they could rub on my ass ?

" I printed the pictures you wanted. Shit - they were rough to look at. You look so happy nestled in among our friends. You always were remarkably beautiful - the blue of your eyes, your flashy smile - I remember how often people commented on handsome you were , funny sometimes how 'second best' that made me feel, stupid huh? Who could imagine that within one week of those photo's it would be over, the past 3 years of my life shared with you - over. I started thinking how many pictures I had of you - how much you loved to have pictures taken of you - how rare it was for you to ask to take a picture of me. Funny - I should have seen something wrong in that - it should have given me a greater sense of unease. Oops there's that damn sound again - What?? - Oh nothing just my heart ripping in half - weird lil fucker does it a couple times a day - chuckle. So getting ready for your big trip away this weekend, huh ? Sure going alone is a good idea - no one to tell you jokes or carry the conversation, ya know - but I suppose your not looking for a joke-teller or a good conversationalist anymore are you ? Well, I need to stop looking at these photo's now because, well because it just hurts too much. I haven't said 'I love you', I haven't said 'I hate you', I haven't said 'I miss you'...but I do. Happy Birthday. Take care - Me"

A couch as a symbol. Never really thought my life would come to this - placing symbolic importance of the direction of my life and emotional well being on a creature-comfort-purchase from Pottery Barn, but my Charleston Slip-Cover Sofa arrived today.

At 32 years old, I have never owned a couch. I mean I've had couches, but they belonged to my roomate, or boyfriend or were a hand-me-down from a friend, but I've never purchased a couch.

When I lived in Milwaukee - my "pretend" couch was the stuff of legends. In lieu of purchasing a couch for my otherwise cool little apartment by the lake - I used an inflatable mattress with a flannel down sleepy bag and 6 huge green pillows - I mean it was the shit for watching movies with friends and kicking back to (um) enjoy video's of the "release" type...but I always found people kinda looking around my apartment like - uh - interesting - NO couch. You see I felt like if I bought a couch I was striking some permanent deal to stay in Milwaukee, and with my boyfriend (ex) 2000 miles away - I figured I would wait til I knew the next step. So somewhere in my head - the couch - became a symbol for the future of my relationship. So today - with the relationship ended and my heart and soul mending - two NOT sexy delivery men showed up at my door (you so KNOW I was hoping for some street-wise urban punks with hard dicks, sweaty butts and loose morals to deliver my couch AND MORE - but oh well) to bring me my consumer delight. I moved it around, adjusted - readjusted - maladjusted - the pillows, hung pictures above it - took them down - rehung them - set lamps on the right - then the left - Oh, ok back to right - for over and hour (shouldn't I be somewhere ? Oh crap - work!).

So now I'm part of the club - Symbolically Important Couches Klub (S.I.C.K.) and I just have one question to ask :

You wanna sit with me on my couch ?

I vented last night, not a little - A FRIGGING LOT. After a few too many glasses of wine - I climbed on the phone to one of my buddies
and ranted
and raved
and cursed
and spewed
- shredding, dicing, chopping - my Ex.

Today - I just felt plain shitty.

That's just not me - or at least not the me I want(ed) to be. I don't want my "ex" back, I don't. But I want to believe that this past 3 years, wasn't for nought (is that really a word or am I inventing them again ??). Would it kill him to pine for me ? To cry out my name at my window in the middle of the night ? To think that losing me was not acceptable ? To fight for me ? To PROVE to me that he was willing to endure slings and arrows to win me back ? But instead he cried for a few days and moved on - he CAN'T have me in his life now - he'll be back and be my friend when he's ready...ok, ok I know time and distance heal all wounds, but I just lost one of my closest friends, the man I thought I would grow old and feeble with ("come hear BABY, let me GUM ya!"), the person who knows every secret, every worry, every story, every dream. I still NEED him, his hugs, his friendship, his thoughts, his advice, his laugh, his concern. And now it's beginning to make me ANGRY, very, VERY ANGRY. I hate this. I feel this sensation pushing up from my stomach, eclipsing my broken heart and forcing, straining to explode out my head. I grit my teeth, I cap my ears, I shut my eyes and I TRY not to let it out, I DONT want to let it free.

...whats happening to me?

A list (of sorts) of random thoughts on my weekend:

• Dinner with the "X" before I left was a disaster, ending in the much loved dramatic exit of the restaurant, looking - much as we were - like another gay couple having a tif.
  
• I rocked NO one's world in Los Angeles this weekend ('cept Drag Queens, that strange tweaker who LOVED all the scars on the back of my head - "Uh HI it's called being hit in the head with a baseball bat - glad it turns you on!", a "once sexy" leather couple who was - well - more 'leathered' than their leather and people who have been til this point my friends and now that I am single may be inclined to think differently of me *one of them is under consideration*) which embarrassingly I have allowed to cast a deep shadow over my self-esteem.
  
• Let's face it booze is fun (Appletini, BEER) , bars are fun (Abbey, Revolver) - but I really would have had a much better time rolling, bumping and dancing at the Mayan.
  
• A near head-on collision, which gave my best friend Patrick no choice but to ram straight into a parked car was NOT the way I wanted to start Pride in LA.
  
• There were some extraordinary men to look at at Pride, but NO ONE brought a smile to my face MORE than getting to see a fuckin adorable Jason...I also had the luck to meet hotties Bruce and the boyfriend(s) (though I admit I was a little buzzed and all the muscle daddies started to look alike)...where the hell were these guys when I was at Faultline Friday and Saturday night looking for tail. Jason was even kind enough to snap a couple pics so check out his site.
  
• My best friend, is my BEST friend, is my best FRIEND, is my BEST FRIEND.
  
• No sex, NONE, not a hummer, a grope, a rim, a pump, a slam - nothing...and all weekend all I could think about is how bad I want to "make-out" with someone, remember making out, I don't. When the clothes don't even come off and it's still hotter (almost) than most sex.
  
• I haven't seen my baby Chris in almost 2 weeks and I am having withdrawals.
  
• The "X" and I began "dog-custody" last week, alternating 1 week stints from Thursday to Thursday (I know, I KNOW, it sounds moronic - but it will be a very ugly fight to decide who gets full custody otherwise), I am sooooooo missing Baby and hearing rustling around at night. Silence sucks.
  
• The nightmares have begun - strange social scenarios played out in my head involving my Ex and acts of redemption - sleeping with friends to spite me, trying to harm my family, burning every love letter I wrote him, telling me he hates me - bad dreams that leave me waking in tears and feeling lost, sad and confused.
  
• I'm horny - not a little - A LOT, I sport wood watching college guys biking to school, I stare at men like a ravenous dog, I need to get it over with - I need a one night stand.
  
• Getting a bit more than a little stressed about the continous outflow of cash - 1 week countdown to my bonus - but rent and car payment to be paid before then - float little check FLOAT.
  
• I'm just rambling now , aren't I ?

"If I was in the fridge...would you open the door?"
"If I was grass would you mow your lawn?"
"If I was your body would you still wear clothes?"


"If I was a booger would you blow your nose, where would you keep it, would you eat it ??"


"I'm just trying to give myself a reason... to be around"


"If I was a porch swing would you let me hang?"
"If I was a dance floor would you shake your thang?"
"If I was a rubber check would you let me bounce, up and down inside your bank account ?"


"Would you trust me not to break you?"


"I'm just trying really hard to make you... notice me being around."


"If I was a haircut would you wear a hat?"
"If I was a maid could I clean your flat?"
"If I was a carpet would you wipe your feet, in time to save me from mud off the street ?"


"If you liked me, if you loved me, would you get down on your feet and scrub me?"


"I'm a little grubby... from just being around."

Lyrics from "Being Around"/Album: "Come on Feel" by The Lemonheads

So would ya ??

>From: XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
>To: XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
>RE: Subject: How are you doing?
>Date: Thu, 20 Jun 2002 02:19:21 -0700


hey handsome, it is nice to hear from you.

I'm rather embarrassed by my message - I hate for people to see or hear me break down. I've been running around in sort of a state of shock/denial/apathy these past three weeks and the break-up has seemed more like a shadow on a summer day - there, but barely. So odd how it came sweeping up on me last night - in the middle of making my first home cooked meal in my new home, my dog slumbering at my feet, a close buddies CD playing in the background, and BAM! - smacked right in the face by such a deep overwhelming need to breakdown - I fell apart, down to my feet in the middle of my kitchen, my dog trying to lick away the tears that just came one after another, straining to hit the ground faster than the last. I tried to play the tough guy one day to long and my mind had enough and just did a number on me. It was at that moment, pulling myself up off the floor I tried so hard to regain composure and I was just gone for an hour. Then the oddest thing happened, there was a knock at my front door and when I went to it - there was this sweet, little old lady at my door with a plate of fresh strawberries - she was my new neighbor...she said nothing about my appearance, or my puffy eyes - she told me she would have baked for me but it was so hot outside (112 degrees- shit), she gave me the strawberries and treats for my dog and we chatted about the neighborhood and how she had lived there for 35 years and how she hoped I wouldn't go (move away) as quickly as the other neighbors seemed to. It was just such a sweet, unexpected moment - I just felt calmer after it...I just knew I would get through this, I would rebuild the parts that felt broken, my heart would mend, and though I know I'll cry again that it will become easier, less draining each time I just let it happen.

Fucking long story huh ? Sorry - your the first one i've told beyond my best friend Patrick. If you read all that gibberish, thanks...you are a good listener and very sweet and very cute....

Thanks for thinking of me. I don't feel comfortable - with anyone - really going into the "WHY's" of why XXXXXX and I broke up, I think that type of behavior is classless, it doesn't bring back your relationship. XXXXXX and I had almost 3 years, I Love him with every fiber of my being, he's my buddy, I will never betray him and will always be there if he needs me no matter how painful it may be to see him - but for whatever reason I have no doubts that we were meant to end.

As for this weekend. I decided to hit LA, Pride will be nice and distracting and it's my best friend Patricks bday...perhaps you boyz might be down for it ? It would be great to see you'all. As for SD Pride I have to admit I might give it up to XXXXXX, he wants to go so badly and it will be painful for him to have me there.

Anyway I just seem to be going on and on (INSERT HERE: Picture of that damn energizer bunny)

Luv ya - Kurt


>From: XXXXXXXXXXXXXX
>To: XXXXXXXXXXXXX
>Subject: How are you doing?
>Date: Thu, 20 Jun 2002 10:19:21 -0700
>
> Good morning Kurt,
> Sorry I wasn't home when you called. Would have
>enjoyed talking to you. Curt told me that you and XXXXXXX broke up. Sorry to
>hear that things didn't work out. You both seemed so happy together. Maybe
>you can still work things out??? Not sure on the details or what
>happen...but hopefully you to are still friends at least. Or maybe you just
>needed to take a break from each other to appreciate each other more. Again
>not sure what happen but I hope you're both in a good place. Are you still
>coming to stay with us during pride? I heard you might be coming even
>sooner. Curt told me you maybe coming this weekend or next. It would be
>great to see you. Anyway hope all is well with you and if you need someone
>to talk to I'm always available. I've been told I'm a great listener. Take
>care big guy and Hopefully I'll hear from you soon.
> Love,
> James :-)

ok, just booked my tickets for THIS.

It just dawned on me that I have never been in LA as a single guy - ever. Every time I have ever been I've had a boy - this will be either really good for my self-esteem of really rough...all those - we think we're too good for you pretty boys, but thats ok I could really go for a hot Leather Daddy right now anyway - I hate to say it but I just want to fuck someone who in no way reminds me of my ex. Plus the double-treat is that it's my best friend Patricks bday and I'll get to wine and dine him.

Anyone know the scoop on "where to be" this weekend, please share.

...keeping above water today (it's a lot easier to float when there are so many people offering you life preservers - THANKS!)

I'm here today. Comfortable inside my skin. Scared shit-less, but feeling more solid. I started my day strong, with an agenda, and came at it full force.

I see the Ex on Thursday...I'm gonna smile, be sincere and be his friend, he's hurting too and I love him and want him to heal as well.

Be prepared. At the end of all this - I'm gonna be fucking FIERCE.

...it crept in this weekend, somewhere behind my eyes, deep inside my thoughts it burrowed in and took root...a melancholy, a despair, a sadness...I met strangers - told clever jokes let them compliment my arms - I made innuendo's...the bumper to the nose, a tab here and then when the rolling stopped - another to keep that despair - the visitor ) or would it become a resident ? - nestled in it's hole. I repeated the statement again and again : "No Lucky and I seperated a couple of weeks back" "What - well - I really don't feel comfortable discussing why - but we have and we're buddies and I'll always love him " Yes thank you - we really did make a cute couple - guess that's kinda not the point now anymore is it though"

crap - this is just gonna suck isn't it?

...why yes dear I did consider "visitations to places of illicit carnal desire" on my way home last night and I did pull my shiny black car into said parking lots and felt a weird thrill being leered at, lusted after and wanted - until I frigging saw how ugly and freaky the muther-fuckers were cruising me. And then oh you should have seen said pathetic little me tearing through the side streets around Central Ave trying to lose one said creepy muther-fucker who followed me and kept beckoning me to roll down my window.

Ugh - let's just have a welcoming party to welcome me back to 'Single-dom", smash me over the head with a bottle of Colt 45, push me over, push the bottle of poppers in my face - deep SNiiiiiiifFFF - drive/pound/drill/ram/plow/hammer that fucking tool up my tight ass (it's been many months - it's gonna burn - but let's get over with !) and then just shoot your hot, sticky loads upon my strong, unbroken back. Done - good. Now what the fuck am I supposed to do??

Happy Hour at 6pm ... pray for their souls, their gonna need it.

...and yes Donald - I DID scream your name...my keeper of the law and the LAW-LESS.

...the fact that people can be kind doesn't astound me, but when you truly feel it's motivated freely from concern, and not gain, I will admit some shock. Once that shock subsides I feel a very gentle, warm feeling, like when my Mom would muss my hair while the family watched 'Cheers' ...an action that said "Hey you - just checking - your here, your OK - good, good."

Thanks to those who have 'mussed my hair over the past 24 hours', it's means a lot to me.

and because I have neglected to say it before, thanks Chris for being the true shoulder to cry on and bitch to. You really are a wonderful, wonderful friend ( and if you move I'll kick your lilly-white, hairy ass).

Hey, what's up...kinda disappeared on ya didn't I ??

See, I didn't mean to but I'm afraid something very sad has happened - my relationship of almost three years (2 years, 8 1/2 months, but it just gets so old saying that and then people just hear the "Two" part and totally discount the following 8 and 1/2 months) came to an end about a week and half ago.

So I've just been processing - or more likely "going through the motions" and avoiding any contact with the stark reality of what had really happened.

Have you ever done that ?? Made sure you only watched "comedies", listened to "cheerful dance songs" and tried to stay so busy there wasn't time to think.

It's funny though - theres always time to think.

You lay there "alone" (but for some weird reason you still only stay on "your" side of the bed) in the new, supposedly comfortable, but seemingly impossible to sleep on, bed (an unexpected purchase) and no matter how tired you are from moving to your own place and trying to explain (but not "explain" ) to your friends and family what went wrong - when did the happily (how embarrassing how I had told so many friends - soon to be married, or at least engaged) couple stop being 'happy', you don't sleep - you think. Questioning yourself like a B-Rate Movie Actor in a cheesy detective movie questioning a witness from a line-up. Motive? Weapon? Cause of Death?

Since Saturday, my first day in my new house, I kept wanting to fire-up the laptop buried somewhere among the boxes and explain where I've been, tell the story of what happened, where it all took a turn, why at 32 - I now need to learn how to attach the adjective "Single" to the description of who I am again. But instead I bought a couch at Pottery Barn, I began painting what will be my office some fancy-name for Blue by Ralph Lauren, I spent over a thousand dollars at Target buying plates and glasses and linens and pots & pans and ....well, you get the picture. Driving by the house we were having built that had just come to contract and we were to sign on four hours before we broke up. Life runs an odd, jagged path across our heart, through our mind and around our soul sometimes doesn't it ?

So I'm not sure if I'll really lay it out - it seems wrong for some reason - no matter how close I have come to some of my blogger buddies to wring out my heart on this pulsing computer screen, to admit failure, to cry on a keyboard...

...but for those of you who wondered, or worried:

I'm here, I'm around, I'm back.

Not sure why I'm so into my horoscope lately - you ever feel like your looking for the meaning of your life in cereal boxes and soup cans ??

LEO (July 23-Aug 22)

Week of May 30, 2002

Before proceeding any further, please arrange for a bright companion to rub your shoulders while thinking tender thoughts about you. This is no joke. I urge you not to read on until you are feeling well-loved and appreciated. Why? Because it will drive home the point that you are most likely to express your full potential in the coming week if you are steeped in the sympathetic influences of people who see the best in you. Don't just wait around and hope for this to come your way by accident. Get out there and make it happen.

hmmmm...

LEO (July 23-Aug 22)

Week of May 23, 2002

Have you heard of Johannes Jensen, Salvatore Quasimodo, Roger Martin Du Gard, or Frans Eemil Sillanpaa? It's doubtful. I'll tell you what they have in common: They all won the Nobel Prize for Literature, but their books are out of print and hard to find. Let this be your starting point in the coming week as you evaluate what you're truly worth. Here are some other questions to ponder. Do you really need to be acknowledged for your greatness in order to feel successful? Do others' opinions count for more than your own when you measure your value? Are you more eager to gain the approval of so-called "important people" than of the folks whose lives are entwined with yours? Is fame worth squat?


Courtesy of Free Will Astrology

Suffering from Work Attention Defecit Syndrome today......the weather has dipped down into the 80's which is a treat to say the least. Getting ready to take off to San Diego for a friends 40th bash and Memorial Weekend frivolity and tonight even more exciting - going to see Peter Bogdanovich's Cats Meow with the proverbial "Cat's Meow".

No one quite does "woeful" like my puppy-dog "Baby", if you don't believe me please refer to 'Exhibit A' ...




Every morning without fail the second I climb into the shower she commences with the sighing and languishing arround. Her body language cries out:

"Bastard - your leaving me again"
"What about play time - what about MY doggie needs??"
"Whose gonna throw the ball, uh ? Did ya think about that Mr. BIGSHOT???"

Now I know it''s possible that these just may be the voices in my head - but ohhhhhh you know she's thinking some killer thoughts, and look at those eyes, the toy gingerly held between her front paws - dammit you beautiful angel - how you torture your daddy so.....

Well technically 368 days ago and close to 25,000 visitors later, this strange lil offshoot of my cerebreal spew came forth. Originally this site was meant to take my mind off of the acute loneliness I felt being 2000 miles from my boyfriend (at that point a relationship with a questionable destiny). I had made many amazing friends in Milwaukee and Chicago and in some ways I was pretending to have the time of my life - but I never felt more alone.
Coming home to my empty apartment, inhaling every drug I could - once with very close to lethal consequences, and mostly just putting on a shiny, happy exterior to co-workers and friends to hide how empty the contents were behind the shell. There were some moments - at night - sitting in the dark before the glow of my laptop - writing and rewriting an entry, exposing myself, my thoughts, my life...that I felt more alive then I had at any other moment. Despair and isolation would ebb away as I would read other bloggers (friends) and exchange email and IM's with them about some of the most personal moments in our lives.

My blog isn't genius, it rarely provides pearls of wisdom and I don't often challenge, or debate the greater issues - but all-in-all it's a pretty honest reflection of me.
If I've made you chuckle, made you smile, made you think (hell even given you a chubby)...that's nice to know.

Anyway Happy Birthday to me, Happy Birthday to me...lil HCL is getting older, wiser, happier...happy birth-day to meeeeeeeee.

Whew....the stress level in this office today makes a NASA launch seem as simple as undoing my trousers to launch my own rocket and think of Shwish

Crap - felling like i'm getting smacked by a thousand red, rubber dodge balls at once...trying hard to stand my ground. I hate when office "situations" occur and then everyone has to run their background checks to figure who fucked up...tiring to say the least.




On other plains I think I may have some sort of nostalgia disorder...I'm currently in heavy rotation of the best of albums of Saint Etienne, Prefab Sprout and The Beautiful South , I mean I know the kids are still making new music out there so is there soemthing wrong with me for not listening to it ??

My head hurts....

..had lunch with Chris today - followed by a need to stroke my own cock - um, I mean - SHIT CHRIS ROCKS!!!

uh Hey sexy muther-fuker....will you take a ride in my BMW - boy ????

I spend numerous hours a night just thinking - not brilliant thoughts, great poetic verses or concept-shattering,algorithms - just stream-of-conciousness ramblings, concerns, worries, anxieties, aspirations, desires, fantasies, reveries...these moments of thought, seem more like a great (ok - not so great - but usable) piece of machinery from the 1940's Industrial Propoganda adverts - all cogs, whistles and noisy, black parts - processing widgets. I get lost watching the widgets be pressed and shaped (designed in an irregular pattern to match their creator) and racing down the conveyor - my boyfriend frustrated stands on the sideline calling out to me "Dinners Ready", "Did you feed the dog?", "Can we have sex?" - and I just don't hear him, I forget where I am in a book, I miss half of the episode of 'Will and Grace" (...why is Karen dressed up as a magicians helper anyway??) and invariably I piss off my boyfriend. And in the end the widgets get spit down different tubes and those tubes turned out to be mismarked - "Cairo??? That part was going to Toledo?" - and I lose track of even why I was thinking this hard in the first place. Sometimes this aspect - this part of me - frustrates me (and others), sometimes it soothes me, sometimes it frightens me and sometimes...

What?? I don't know ? What was I saying anyway......

...well, went to "LA" over the weekend - that drive is killer at 5 hrs each way (if you dont get lost once in Los Angeles - which I did)...we did have a wonderful time seeing Patrick (why is it best friends never seem to live in the same city - is this secretly how you manage to stay best friends ?) - I would say the best parts of the weekend were hanging at the Abbey enjoying lunch, beer and friendship on Saturday afternoon and chilling at Here that evening (what a freak show - a very pretty "look at me I'm pretending to be rich, hung and powerful - and may be one or all of the above" - freak show, but a freak show none the less.)

People in LA are without a doubt the most unapproachable in the continental United States (comparing to say SFO, Chicago, Seattle, San Diego, New York and Phoenix - I haven't been to Atlanta or New Orleans yet - HINT, HINT!), not venting here but really, whats with all the chips on the shoulders and one-ups-man-SHIT. The bartender at the Abbey who really was so soothing to the eyes and at first seemed a twirling blend of apathy, disdain and charm - immediately said "Your not a LA boy are you?!", when I told him my boyfriend and I were from elsewhere he offered the Northern Midwest - "We just seemed more like those type of guys", still not sure if I was being complimented or not. Must be a "LA" thing.

Anyway here are me and my best buddies (my boyfriend and Patrick):

...since allergies seem to be crushing my head and the social schedule is flexing it's muscle and since the pooch is Irish again (uh, regular - ya know what I mean - PS thanks for the advice Jockhomo ) I'm afraid I don't have much blogging time....going to RENT tonight (ok, I know it's been around forever and I should just running around screamming "ooooooh - I looooooved 'CATS') but we don't do theater much and we're trying to turn over a new leaf - sooooo anyway I got us good seats, we're going on a date - nuf said. Then off to 'LA' (hey - THEY call it that not me) for a quick weekend road trip - maybe I'll catch site of this sweet boy

...and still running late in my updates of frivilous events with dynamic friends - here are pics from AZ Gay Pride 2002:

...crazy week...hellish business trip to Los Angeles and no fun, hopefully back there this weekend for a road trip but the dog (poor BABY) has been sick - shit everywhere and I mean everywhere. Parvo test came back negative - thank god since it turns out our pet insurance was bunk and they weren't underwritten to cover us in AZ - what bullshit (we would have ended up paying upwards of $400 smackers a day for her care for close to seven days)...of course we're still a little baffled what it was allergies? flu? parasite? DT's ?? not sure.
...anyway I'm among the living...be good.

...uh, never mind...much better now....

....ok there...shit...high as a kite am I.....dude...I am..the boy is asleep, the Baby is asleep and me - well - shit - keep that fucking bullet out of my nose.

it is soooooo weird to troll the blogs high......

I miss Charlie, I hope your doing welll.....

spiral.hole.kitty.dig.complete.

Happy-Happy, Joy-Joy ....I finally have my USB cable back and I am now trying to catch up on three events worth of pictures. So anyway while I'm trying to be a dutiful buddy and get them off to my friends, I thought I would throw up a few from the White Party (and YES sooner or later we did leave the hotel room - FUN-FUN)

inspired by mobile homes, country music and a taste for the deep-fried, I bring you last nights
WHITE TRASH DINNER MENU
2 bags of Totino's Pizza Rolls
1 bag of Mozzarella Sticks
1 box of 1 million Deep-Fried Ravioli (I exaggerated, maybe it was less than a box)
1 bottle of Moet & Chandon White Star
and some salad (there had to be something natural to tease the digestive tract with)

Lucky and I bought, baked, ate then stared with complete revulsion at this unbelievable cuisine, though tempted to wear Daisy Dukes to dinner I resisted. Then we settled in for David Lynch's "Mulholland Drive" in "kitty-vision" (which I swear actually made more sense from a plot standpoint this time though I still see three-to-four different themes criss-crossing the picture).

...and I must ask, am I the only guy alive who wishes he could tivo every episode of "Mystery Science Theater 2000" ??? (and I don't even have Tivo).

oh John
I haven't slept with any of the same people (YET), I was just illustrating the point that if we all wrote down every name of every person we knew in every state, we would have ended up having
slept with,
fought with,
broken up with,
fallen in love with,
had a good time with,
gone to school with,
danced at a party with,
..... I know your all getting the point....
at least one of them.

It's that whole Six Degrees of Seperation thing (but tighter - though doesn't Stockard Channing rock to some sort of infinite power)....and NO for the love of GOD - let's not have a meme about posting the names of every person we know in every state, etc. - we'll play this game hypothetically.

On a more (or less) interesting note, besides just charming the pants off of me during our email dialogue of the other day Mr. Brown and I came up with an interesting idea for a competitor to the secondary love of my life's "Swishy" and Max's well received "Burn, Baby, Burn" CD deal.

Ready:




Oh, come on nowwwwwwww....you know your so curious! We create lists of bloggers who will send each other their new or used boxers/briefs/banana hammocks/jocks/panties/etc, all for the perverse amusement and pleasure of another blogger.... BJ - I know you'll be down with this idea.

What, huh ???
How can you SAY that, this idea is ahead of it TIME, Brilliant I say - BRILLIANT!!!!!
Your just being judgemental and cruel - TERRIBLY CRUEL!
What????
Oh yeah well I guess the dirty underwear part IS kinda sick - that was Johns doing .

Have a great weekend!

A One Act Play by HCL:

(The Scene): A innocent looking coffee-house close to the college campus, young, attractive bohemians milling about, laughing, debating and enjoying the warm, spring night.

(The Time): The not so distant past (last night in fact)

(The Characters):

Teel : Seemingly new to the ways of the world, but suspiciously satisfied with the taste of ANYTHING deep-fried in a vat of oil.

Encorswish - Somehow sweet and jaded, kind but cruel, alluring but disturbing all at the same time, he fixes his steely eyes upon you in a gaze that says "I have lint in my belly-button", seducatively he draws on his cigarette and huffs "I DONT NEED no stinkin man!"

HCL - The Dawg, dangerous and horny, sniffing legs and butts...his whimper a casual impulse, his bite - more often more than he can chew.

(The Music): Circa 1978 ' blaring "Deep Throat" (Bum-ding-a-Ching-CHING)

(Action!)

encorswish: "Dude, (smoke, draw, puff)...uh why are you sniffing my ass?"

teel: "Hey Chris - this, is uh, making me a little nervous - do you think he can put his pants back on ?"

hcl: "Ruff-Ruff!"

teel "Chris he's humping my leg - for the LOVE OF GOD make HIM SToooooooooooop!"

encorswish: (Now reclining nude - think "Bodecelli") "Better you than me kid"

hcl: (slurping noises too disgusting to imagine)

teel: "Ple-ase- Chris d-ont let meeee go this waaaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyy......."
(An errie silence envelops the stage)

encorswish: "well another one bites the dust"

hcl: (smiling, deliriously happy) "I love Rim-O-Rama night at the coffeehouse"


(Curtain Falls)

Hey boys had a really fun time bullshitting with ya last night - thanks for the rim job.

(EDITORS NOTE: No bloggers were harmed in the production of this National Public Radio special event, we now return you to "Talk of the Tongue" with Diane Reems)

Things I could talk about (sung to the strains of Ms. Bonnie Tyler’s “Total Eclipse of the Heart” – uh, not really, but I mean if you really want to and can figure out how – well, hey, go for it ….damn - your good.) :

• What a fantastic time we had with our absolutely adorable and appreciative houseguests from San Diego over Pride weekend.
  
• The unbelievable heat (high 90’s) this weekend which made our absolutely adorable houseguests a bit queasy (Ok – one threw up) and a little cranky at moments.
  
• A wonderful Pride breakfast where I wowed everyone with the best Bloody Mary’s on this earth (I stir them with something special), then many beers at Pride Fest, then back to house to swim – drink more beer, eat pizza, then Mr. Presta’s AMAZING - fermented for 12 hours - Sangria in the pool with an unsuspecting straight couple and 10 fags, more bloody mary’s, sangria, beer, naps, then dinner at My Florist, lots of wine, a little fight with the boyfriend (white liquor makes us both feisty and irish), the Amsterdam for Martini’s, Mandarin and Tonics and Rasberry Ale, then Warren Gluck (at the space formerly known as Crowbar – now DWNTWN) and more beer, a lot of chance meetings from my dating/hook-up past and then two really, really abnormally large horsepills disguised as X (or was it the other way around)....
  
• Naseau, not a little, A LOT, an unbelievable nerve-racking amount of naseau that started around 4am on Saturday and lasted all day on Sunday forcing me to no-show Roland Belmares Tea Dance put on by Ms. Noah Williams and Friends. Sorry - buddy.
  
• Laying in the fetal position thinking “WOW – X-Files really sucks ass now” and wondering how to raise my head to eat a Zesta saltine, while my loving boyfriend made me soup and pet my head.
  
• Our adorable dog BABY who wowed everyone with what a sweet, well-behaved lover she was…I searched all guest bags on the way out to make sure she hadn’t been confiscated.
  
• A nightmarish time working through 1099R's and other forms - using shitty HR Block online which subsequently screwed up and sent my taxes on the 16th - uh, anyone know anything about tax penalties for filing late ?? (Amount the IRS buttfucked me for - without a gentlemens reach-around - $1200)
  
• Needing a rest from it all for awhile – butching it up this weekend and taking my boy, my dad and my dads best friend to see the Diamondbacks play this Sunday (seats – Black-Tie, behind home plate : My DAD is gonna shit)
  
• Having coffee and a rim job (don't pretend that's not what your after) with arizona's most alluring blogger and some MYSTERY blogger tonight - do I smell hot 3 way (Rim Jobs for EVERYONE - Horray!!!!) ???