I laid low today - very low (think Anne Frank & the attic), but I did alot of thinking and when the Ex came by to drop of the dog - I said my goodbyes - I stood my ground that I can only move forward and couldn't do so processing all the "coulds" and "shoulds" of where I/ He/ We went wrong.
I cried in front of him - sobbed in his arms - but they were tears for me - not him, and it didnt give him power over me to see me this way. I'm not sure where we'll proceed from here - no matter how painful it was - I offered him Baby - to help sever that last tie - he asked me to hold on that decision for now til I'm thinking clearly. I know that he still cares for me as deeply as I care for him - and I can see the hurt in his every action. Getting my distance - letting the healing start - isn't telling him I don't love him, it's telling him I love us both.
So - the 32nd year and it's pains and it's sadness have ended - 33 has begun - and bathed in emotion - I proceed forward feeling somehow cleansed and more alert. I have changes to make - my home, my life, my job, my friends, my spirit - maybe one maybe all - but the cogs of change are in motion - I will stop looking over my shoulder to see what I'm leaving behind...
thank you for the wishes and the words and the love today.