...the boyfriend gets back in today so I was up at the crack of dawn cleaning - shit I wasn't shocked I grew up to be a whore - but a "domesticated whore" ??? Plus, last night and this morning I was taping porn for the friend who is watching BABY for us while we are in San Diego for New Years - he gets 2 Falcon International, 2 Falcon and 1 Bel Ami - for all the money I've shelled out on porn in my life I never feel exactly guilty duping.

...leave Saturday for San Diego for 4 days of partying and fun to welcome in the New Year - I need the de-stress time. Decided to accept the job with Jerry as the Operations Manager/Associate ....we'll see what he thinks of what I'm asking, should put me quite a bit over what I was even making as a Director (finally get to travel again and come torture, er - uh, I mean - "visit" some of my favorite Bloggers in their respective cities). I think it's time to say goodbye to corporate life and take an opportunity to run the show more my way (INSERT HERE: Me as Mary Tyler Moore throwing my hat up in the air in the big city...."your gonna make it after alllllllll". )

Let's see if I eat these words before 2003)

....There will be no time to post over the next week so I wish everyone a wonderful New Year (especially Jonno, Blogstalker, Encorswish, Jockohomo, Mermaniac, Dewayne and BJ who gave me much needed advice, humor and dirty comments over the past year - you know which one applies to you - when I needed them). Charlie and Jonno - your warmth singlehandedly helped me survive my cold, lonely days in Milwaukee (sincerely - Thank You)...and I would have never even started down this road if it hadn't been for Bill egging me on in the early days. (Sorry I'm not throwing in links but I'm in a rush).

....Happy 2002 gang!

...at work - working on a database project for the boss. Got really toasted last night and was invited to what would have been an extremely hot three-way...but I diligently remembered that I'm taken and stopped flirting before I ended up in boyfriend prison.

...things ended up going really well with the boyfriend and I on our Christmas Friday night. He really surprised me by managing to make every gift about something that geniunely interested me...even got a little teary-eyed - I'm just a big sissy sometimes. Yes - we did "it" in front of the dog...luckily she was really enjoying her bone from Three Dog Bakery and just looked the other way - whew - no doggie therapist yet.

...feeling pretty melancholy with the whole holiday starting today and the boyfriend on the other side of the country, I suddenly seem out of sorts "left to my own devices" (did you start humming the Pet Shop Boys tune when you read that or is it just me and my misplaced pop sensiblities?)

BABY is wandering around the office. Already pooped on the carpet and was quite proud.

alrighty just not feeling clever today...I sincerely wish you all a wonderful Christmas Eve and Day - I hope you have someone close with you tonight and feelings of warmth - both inside and out. Cheers!

...well the boyfriend and I decided to launch into one of those "are-we-really-having-a-fight-about-not-having-a-fight-because-we-were-about-to-have-a-fight" fight's last night, 30 minutes before we left to have dinner with my parents...the stress was complemented by my boyfriend (who yes I love with EVERY fiber of my being) pulling his - "I'm not going to speak to you except in Boolean code (YES/NO), but when you give up trying to engage me in conversation I'm going to look at you and say - so your gonna sulk now??"...this is further complemented by the huge smiles, big hugs attitude every member of my family gets at dinner (the folks took us to Red Lobster - could we appear anymore white trash??) and then after dinner, back in the car, reversion to said previous tactics #1 and #2 (but the upgrade on #2 to the so, you gonna be mad at me all night?? comment.)

2 years, 2 months and our first real Christmas celebration with my family and I was miserable. Not to sure the pup has to worry about seeing anything tonight.

I'm trying to shake it. Tonight is supposed to be "our" Christmas and since I was in Milwaukee last year, this will only be our second Christmas together. But I haven't shook it yet. I haven't wrapped his gifts yet. I haven't written all the beautiful things in his card yet.

I knew this before, I know this now and I will probably know this forever - the hardest job I have ever had in my life is being a boyfriend. Ups, Downs, the Good, the Bad, and the Ugly. The greatest and most rewarding job I have ever had, and at the exact same time probably the most frustrating. Each time I think I've figured out all of my job duties and think I'm "exceeding expectations" - I'm thrown a cold glare and I rebound to "unsatisfactory performance on the job"

Can someone get me a "employee manual" for Christmas ????

damn this guilt.....I'm so behind on blogging it sucks. Holiday madness. Boyfriend leaves for Jersey for 6 days for Xmas while I stay here with my family. We'll be celebrating our Christmas this Thursday with my folks (so they can give him his presents) and then Friday (just the two of us). The new dog has been killing the sex life (I just feel so weird having her in the room watching - ya know. And she cries if she's locked out), but I really need to get it and give it on our Christmas night so maybe I can get her doggie blinders - suggestions ????

poor Winona, I mean - I feel your pain - I really can't afford a great party outfit for that long list of Christmas Shin-Digs lining up in front of me starting tonight either.....

...not sure I ever thought so much of my waking life and vernacular would be centered around the word:

POOP

...but oh what a naive, young lad was I...POOP consumes me now - gleefully I call it out from the back patio for all to hear -

"Good BABY, GOOOOOOOD POOP!!!!!"

Standing clad in only boxers, Arizona State University sweat shirt, bare feet and a bed-head hairstyle only a psychotic killer could call a "coif" at 400am.....Poooooooppppppp, POOP, Poop !!!!!!!!

I love this dog, my boyfriend loves this dog, anyone who lays eyes on this dog - LOVES this dog (and if ever there be a person who doesn't - THEY WILL RUE (or is it "ROO?" THE DAY!)

'nuf said....I need to go think some more about poop.

things you realize about yourself only much later in life:

• Your first "crush" would not really be the most painful heartache of all
  
• Dogs trust you unequivocably, you feel the same depending on whats laying on the floor at the time
  
• 95% of the time, YOU are the best "handjob" you've ever had
  
• You didn't drive your Mother to drink, I mean SHIT you didn't even have a license for the first 16 years...
  
• Talking about sex makes your Parents nervous, thinking about your Parents "having" sex makes you queasy
  
• Legos were the coolest toy EVER
  
• You should thank your parents every day of your life that they got you potty-trained - can you imagine going on a blind date in a diaper???
  
• One day you will fall in love, one day you will find "the one", there is someone for everyone (thank GOD, you never got that tattoo for Valentines Day when you were 22 !!)
  
• Talking dirty is not only fun, but for some it makes the Kama Sutra seem like a Easy-Bake Oven Cookbook
  
• You will be happy, you will smile again, life really is a wonderous, beautiful gift to us all

sniff-sniff, I'm kinda choked up...

I've fallen in love....
She's black
She's furry
She weighs 10lbs
She poops
She pees
She tumbles
She rolls on her belly and wiggles tell she's rubbed
I LOVE HER

now I really have no spare time to write - I'm a father to a beguiling, black lab named 'BABY'

the corporate interview went incredible. the old man wants me to consider taking over his business in a year...all this glamour and I'm still doing this admin stuff for cash under the table.

ok...
i suck....
uh, i mean the other way...
well, yeah i mean that way too...
hell ya i'm good, damn good, make a preacher cry if could....
what, oh no, you no - i love you...
is there someone else???
GOD NO....
i'm just preoccupied with my own sense of being right now...
what? ...
what do i mean? ....
well sometimes life does this Robert Frost "A Different Path" crap to you, ya know?? you see the fork coming and you shudder all over (like seeing Tom Arnold or Roseanne naked)...
what ???? crap i don't know where i came up with that, who knows why half this shit comes out of my mouth....
what? really...
i like your shirt too...
so anyway - what was i saying ???? ....oh yeah - "the path" stuff...
well suddenly when you finally decide the whole world has turned their back - there's a knock at the door, then another...
(laugh) - you're right, where the hell were they for the past 5 months ???
(chuckles) - started to think the only one who called me were my creditors, that's over - all paid up.
so now I have this opportunity to go back into corporate life...
what? uh no, they haven't offered the job yet and I still have another interview, but since they rushed my through and are interviewing me under the radar, i'm feeling confident...
what? oh shit yeah, you said it, first time i've felt confident in months, it's like viagra for my professional well being...
what? no not really, don't really need the little blue pill, but shit you should see me if i take just half of it - feel like i'm my own little red woody forest...
anyway, so now i have these two paths, i can pay my dues with the sweet, rich, old man who wants to be my mentor and maybe seriously take over his business, or go back to corporate life and keep pursuing my career path...
yeah, tough huh?
well i've got a few more days to dwell on it....
what you want a hug??? crap me too....
(SQUEEZE!)
yeah, that felt good for me too.......

Who knew how distracting working would be....finding time to blog is well - difficult to say the least.

I mean do you ever find yourself debating the priority of it and what it means to you???


Starting over at 32, new career (well - I mean - if I ever turn being the UBER-ADMIN into something), new friends and renewed commitments to my boyfriend, old friends and an old and new me...I'm having trouble finding the time and seeing the meaning.
Don't get me wrong, I've loved some of the connections I've made (you/they know who you/they are), I've loved the opportunity to start writing, joke, observe.

But with soooo much going on right now and the holidays already whooping our ass, and me trying to get back on my feet...
is blogging really the right priority for me right now ??

The diversity of my days lately is oddly dramatic. Yesterday I began my day by tooling around town in a Rolls-Royce Corniche Convertible (23 years old with only 28K miles on it - the car, not me - crap! I only wish!) and then end my day with a collection agency calling my boyfriends cell phone for $138 I was 60 days past due to the phone company in Milwaukee. Which is really good considering since my best friends are in San Diego and Los Angeles and boyfriend in Phoenix - my average land line phone bill was around $300 (not including my cell phone bill - ugh! At least I saved alot of $$$ moving)...anyway at least at no time yesterday did I get confused and think I actually was rich.

Here's the rub on the phone bill thing though and something I didn't know - if you owe them $$$ and they can't track you down - do you know they run a query on your most called phone numbers off your bill and they call them instead looking for you - does that seem shady or what?

Oh well - I was an upstanding citizen once.

alrighty....unfortunately I'm not in front of a computer at work, so my time to blog/email/IM/check job boards....has just been cut down immensely. My BOSS is a really sweet guy. He really seems genuine about having greater things in mind for me beyond Boy Friday (of course tomorrow I have to take his Mercedes Convertible in for emmissions - hey I'm starting over, paying all my dues again, I'm cool with that). At first I felt so devastated after 4 months I was taking a job as an admin, but I have to admit right now the micro-project, fast-paced, variety of it is great - no time for my mind to play the "I Should'a, I Could'a" game. And even if it's just to create a spreadsheet, run and pick up lunch or send some faxes....after 4 months of being nothing to no one (professionally), it sure feels nice to be needed again.

thanks Bill!

thoughts:

• Choire gets how many hits a week???? It's the web cams!!!! Now we know how cute he and Philo are. I think the boyfriend would be a little concerned if I got a web cam.
  
• I do not feel pretty when I'm hung over, but damn I just love to be bought drinks!
  
• There seems to be some prerequisite that Arizona morning newscasters must be "blond", "perky" and "vanilla"
  
• Thanks to Durran for the link!
  
• I'm quite certain - though they are kinda cute - that our roommates cats are stalking me.
  
• Actually you two, I thought the new NOLA living arrangements were more like this.
  
• uh dear, sweet 8LDJ, did you have any say in this?
  
• No more cookies and candy. I have to start doing cardio again soon....sigh.
  
• Hmmmm, the thought of chasing you around with a plastic speedtrack piece - threatening to smack your ass......nope not laughing, yep, oh yes, much different type of smile on my face.
  
• Am I a super model or what?
  
• Favorite recent search phrase that pulled up my site: "Old Homo's".....'nuf said.

"Being unemployed means throwing all your student loan statements in a box with the rest of your unpaid bills, and coming to the conclusion that if your really expensive education were worth all that you wouldn't be unemployed."....as spoken by IML's sexy teen spokesmodel

Dude - I know your pain, my 6 months of forebearance ("Oh sure 6 months will be enough, I'll find a new job in a month or two" - statement made over 4 months ago to my student loan issuer). Actually got my first credit card calls the other day too - first month late so their very chipper and actually feel bad about me being laid off in these tough economic times - let's see how they feel if I pushed it another month.

In recognition of Jonno's unemployment and a growing number of my friends (it's really hard to be as supportive once they too are feeling the crunch), I give you the "Signs You Are UnderEmployed":

• When people say - "Hey, it's great you found a job", you respond "Yeah, but does this name tag make me look fat"
  
• On future job applications you list your "current" job as "JUGGLER" since the underemployment position enables you to pay bills, but only by throwing several in the air at one time and then paying which ever one doesn't hit the ground.
  
• You envy all the cash your friends who are sexy bartenders are making accompanied by vulgar sexual propositions and phone numbers. And then wonder if your actually more envious of the "cash" or the "vulgar sexual propositions".
  
• The ranking superior your running faxes for makes $40K less then you were pulling in 5 months ago.
  
• Starbucks Cafe Latte Skinny on Ice is for executives/bourgeois/hollywood starlets/the Bush Twins, I'll have the Dunkin Donuts Regular Blend, please.
  
• No more Blockbuster Movie Rentals and "kitty"-vision at 3pm on a Tuesday.
  
• Time to masturbate only once a day.
  
• You rethink applying for a House Boy job in P-Town, Fire Island, Sagatuck (Hey - I know it's out of season, but let's face it I'm a little long in the tooth to be called a boy anyway)
  
• You still have enough unused active mental energy to make lists like this.
  
  

I'm sure as a grown man I should be slightly embarrassed by this, but the Buffy Musical just ROCKED. Of course, it meant I had to tape the Simpsons and then race down stairs to catch the beginning of 24. Damn, I am my own growing sense of being uncool...time was I would have been at a bar shooting pool yucking it up - but now I'm a tv freak. oh well.
D'Backs parade is today. I really wanted to go, but people started showing up at 9pm last night to get in the stadium, and by 7am this morning the streets were filling up - 100's of thousands are expected. I am my own sense of fearing large, overly excitable crowds of people.

PS - I got the job (not the big deal one, but the one that at least will pay some of my bills til I get back to my career)

ok, ok, I'm grumpy in my 30's (early 30's ya know)....Seraphin explained her literary phobia's - mine usually were for any novel written by a sister from the Bronte clan.

I'm being bagged on by someone whose signature colors are bashful and blush - sweetheart, I assure you I don't want teenage girls reading this blog (well that excludes Bill - proof that there is a teenage girl trapped in all of us!) anyway.

Sorry Stud, this series was amazing. You should have watched Roscoes explode when Gonzo hit the winning run. DBacks ROCK!

Is it possible to be running in slow motion while inside the eye of a hurricane?

Images from the past week:

• Lots of happiness in my heart having my buddy Curt in town. He calms me and makes me feel special.
  
• The not so special feeling I had when I went after a 20 something punk who made a 'faggots' slur at my boyfriend and I at a coffee house..."yes" I lost my cool - I was ready to replace the breeders head with a Jack-O-Latern. Breeders be warned - some fags fight!
  
• Me and the Boys looking very sexy in the Rough Trade Fire Dept gear...lots of raves on having a hairy chest amongst all those smooth boys.
  
• The drool down my chin and 170lbs of "out-cold" body weight that Curt and my boyfriend heaved through the door at 5am on Saturday night/Sunday morning after ingesting 'G' (comment: I didnt BUY it, I didnt KNOW I was consuming it, and we still dont know WHERE it got into my drink)
  
• A very frightened boyfriend who does love me more than words can describe and was very, very frightened.
  
• An interview. Though for "under"employment - it's a job, I need to work, I feel useless and I've run out of $$$$.
  
• Me, sitting by the phone still waiting for the BIG NAME COMPUTER COMPANY to call.
  
• $1,300 in work that needs to be done to the car I didnt want to keep but had to keep, because you can't drive a 2000 SUV anymore when you have no job...but a 95 Toyota is only gonna stay healthy for so long.
  
• A date. Just a movie (K-PAX, Kevin Spacey is AMAZING, the movie is OK) and a cheap dinner with my boyfriend last night. It was sweet. It was nice.

I titter and swell with pride (actually maybe I'm retaining water) to know the following keywords are pulling complete innocents into the web of intrigue I call my blog:

• tina yothers pics
  
• philadelphia adult movie booth
  
• gay erotic drunk fly (uh, do the mean like 'The Fly' like a faggy, boozy, Vincent Price turned fly)
  
• Richard Greico
  
• pain in groin back burning
  
• groin pull swimming (why did this immediately bring John T Brown to mind??)

swapped some colors. so sue me. smooch.

I'm not sure the collective finger-crossing, well wishing and for some of you well - you just went beyond the call of duty to cross, something....anything. (INSERT HERE: Frustration, not alleviated through sex or booze)

Last word from said desirable hiring company was from an impressed VP last week (" 'name of hiring manager' will be contacting you shortly"). Hadn't heard anything so I sent a thoughtful email to said 'hiring manager' on Monday acknowledging how busy he must be and reaffirming my interest in the position. Nothing.

Don't you think if two of your respected co-workers came to you (one of them your superior) and said "You gotta hire this guy he's a steal!"...you would at least acknowledge him. (INSERT HERE: Panic not alleviated by drugs, disco or compliments)

sigh!

P.C.A.D.

Sounds like a sneeze, eh? Or maybe that attempt to swear after stubbing your big toe on the bed post at 3am when all you were really hoping for was the last chocolate chip cookie?

It's my acronym for the disorder that I have invented:
Phone Call Anxiety Disorder - A disorder that sends it's victim in roller-coaster fits of anticipation-clickety-clack-excitement-clickety-clack-disappointment-clickety-clack-despair (oh, btw, the "clickety-clacks" were my roller-coaster sound effects - high tech, huh?).

I have learned these last 4 months to hate the phone.
I can't tell you how often I hear it ring - and I wonder, I hope, I dare to dream:

"Hey, it's someone calling about my resume submittal"

"Hey I bet this is the call!"

And then, it's not.

My friends have grown use to this abuse - the despondent sound in my voice when I answer and it's just, well, just them. I don't think this is what Alexander Graham Bell was expecting. I find myself playing games...
leaving the phone downstairs, pretending I don't hear it, turning it off, not looking at the caller id;
just to draw out those first few moments of anticipation...of hope.

So, well - just be warned - if you call and get my voice mail - consider yourself lucky - he's so much nicer than me.

OK handsome, here's proof that I was in attendance at Tucson Gay Pride last week, these pictures aren't the ones I wanted...I lifted them from here.

Things have been crazy lately.

Last week:

• Knock-down, drag-out fights with the boyfriend that pushed so far we had to sit down and ask each other if we could make it through this shitty stage (INSERT HERE: Honeymoon over)
  
• A great, rather drunken weekend with my boyfriend, Brian, Alex, Dave, Del and others all in tow tramping around Tucson's Gay Pride shirtless, a little awnry and extremely flirtatious - excluding the raise the bar standards of this looker, it was easy to be 'Rock Stars' in Tucson. If any of my friends forwarded the pics to me, I will post them here. (INSERT HERE: My drunken need to grab my dick for every picture)
  
• A lot of making up and two-way apologies between the boyfriend and I for allowing my jobless frustrations to come between what should be a long-life filled with happiness. (INSERT HERE: I guess I still have place to live)
  
• A solid referral to an unpublished job opportunity with one of the few major computer companies I "haven't" worked for. (INSERT HERE: Request for everyone who reads this blog to cross their fingers, toes, and everything else)
  
• Finally finished the free-lance search-engine-optimization/directory submission project I was working on. Now to just get all these other little projects off my plate.
  
• Oh yeah....and as I said, something else is in the works, guess what???? (INSERT HERE: How happy I will be to post on my schedule NOT just when Blogger is working)
  
  
  
  

BlogThis!