You may not believe it
But I don't believe in miracles anymore
And when I think about it
I don't believe I ever did for sure
All the things I've said in songs
All the purple prose you bought from me
Reality's just black and white
The sentimental things I'd write
Never meant that much to me

I used to be the main express
All steam and whistles heading west
Picking up my pain from door to door
Riding on the storyline
Furnace burning overtime
But this train don't stop,
This train don't stop,
This train don't stop there anymore

You don't need to hear it
But I'm dried up and sick to death of love
If you need to know it
I never really understood that stuff
All the stars and bleeding hearts
All the tears that welled up in my eyes
Never meant a thing to me
Read 'em as they say and weep
I've never felt enough to cry

When I said that I don't care
It really means my engine's breaking down
The chisel chips my heart again
The granite cracks beneath my skin
I crumble into pieces on the ground

This Train Don't Stop There Anymore

Music by Elton John
Lyrics by Bernie Taupin
Available on the album Songs From The West Coast

man - is today - "outpouring of love day" or what....color me "tickle-pink" with some of the really sweet and even better "naughty" emails I have been receiving today.

And why yes maybe I will open up an all you can eat pizza buffet & boxer shorts emporium after all...

hmmm....apparently someone thinks I'm "gross"...response:

Fuck You.

Love & Hugs to the rest.

oh god...well we know you don't read my blog for the "Oprah-esque" insights...pics from my evening alone:

• spanking the monkey
  
• choking the chicken
  
• flogging the bishop
  
• massaging the meat
  
• stretching the staff
  
• rolling the rod
  
• raising the sail
  
• taking a personal moment
  
• finding God
  
• getting to know myself
  
• taking time for personal relief
  
• taming the monster
  
• Where's Waldo?
  
• jerking off
  
• whacking off
  
• solo performance
  
• going blind

...upwards of 2-5 times a day lately I'm indulging in "personal time". Running late for work - wonder why? Didn't get to the gym - wonder why? Staying in tonight - wonder why ? Haven't pursued and MBA - well maybe that is for other reasons...

But I'm starting to wonder how long do I allow myself this post-break-up-masturbation-marathon, seriously when will it affect my desire to even leave the house and start looking for a third hand to do the job...or is it even a sign of a greater depression then I'm dealing with. I mean it's not like I'm replacing endless nights of passion - in the last few months of the relationship the bed saw nothing more exciting than the occassional snoring or bad dream. I'm certainly spending a fortune on DVD porn.

Even now I type this blog with freshly used hands (does that make you feel dirty, baby ?)

Someone tape my hands behind my back.

What a strange weekend. Felt like I had to pull out my "No Drama" defense spray a couple of times. This being single crap is like walking in mud - no matter how hard you try not to track it in to your house it's hard not to. What's the secret to making guys understand that "I'm not looking to date anyone right now" is not a covert phrase for "Meet me at the marriage alter". I don't like to hurt people and try especially hard to be considerate of others who are flattering enough to deem me "groovy", but shit if I don't seem to fuck it up anyway.

The strange and delightful high points of the weekend came the multiple times I got to hang out with the Rickers and the Swish. The best being an impromptu dinner of Pizza by candlelight at my humble abode after some pretty vicious monsoons (Chris tried to warn you Jeff) ripped through the valley and left many of us without power, flooded roads, downed trees, power lines and upwards of 100 cars at the airport smashed by "rolling" garbage dumpsters. Personally I think I did a pretty good jump driving in "zero" visibility - admit it - you were a little nervous eh? Other highlights were: a fairly scandalous trip to see male strippers - uh mum's the word on that sojourn guys, ok? Beer Bust at NuTowne. Gay Country Western Line Dancing at Charlies (we just watched - but Jeff was dying to get out there) and breakfast at the Good Egg (this was after these two tag teamed my virgin ass for what seemed like an eternity - kinda like watching 'Star Wars - Attack of the Clones')

PS - The tattoo went over very, very well...healing really nicely - and yes my very sexy inquirers - I'm staying out of the sun and already am planning on making this one bigger.

soooo, someone got their "first" tattoo, oooooooh - I'm a bad boy.

.....so far you've been lucky....be warned....I now have a cable modem at home which means if i'm drunk...you'll know.

Thanks to Noah & Nicky for saving me tonight...thank you for turning your head as I cried, and cried, and cried...man did I show who I reallly was tonight...did I let it all come forward, or not ??? BIG FUCKING MESS, not so tough am I? Crying, bawling, liike a little girl over my smashed, my broken, heart...

Today's Horoscope:

LEO

Joshua trees, native to the Mojave Desert, are both hardy and delicate. While they may live as long as ten centuries, their flowers blossom just one night each year and can only be pollinated by the Yucca moth. At this moment, Leo, you remind me of a Joshua tree. Very soon, there will be a brief window of opportunity for you to be psychically fertilized, and you will need a specific agent to do the job. If all conditions are right, a blessed awakening will occur. Even if the beauty that sprouts is visible for just a short time, its effects will last for years.


Ok, screw the ice cubes - I guess someone needs to pollinate me, any takers ?

A quick note of CONGRATULATIONS to everyone's favorite unemployed-blogger on his new job.

I still think you should have taking the Head Trainer position at Hooters but that's just so I could see your fuzzy legs in orange satin shorts.

I'm proud of you babe.

Ok - the heat is really, REALLY getting to me.

I'm just becoming (well maybe becoming makes it sound like the beginning stages - when I'm more "Latent") a real bitch (ok, scratch that 'Dick', I hate calling myself a bitch). I have no patience for anything or anyone lately. You would think after all of the hot, dry, sizzling, burn your hand on a door handle, summers I have had in AZ I would be used to this, but compound it with the restless, easily distracted, constantly horny, chronically masturbating, often cranky, unable to complete any project, hand me the bumper, open me a beer - beaaatch, can't fall asleep, but keep oversleeping, attitude I've got going right now - it seems hotter, my back sweater, my balls itchier...

Any one of you big, handsome, sexy boys got an ice-cube they could rub on my ass ?

" I printed the pictures you wanted. Shit - they were rough to look at. You look so happy nestled in among our friends. You always were remarkably beautiful - the blue of your eyes, your flashy smile - I remember how often people commented on handsome you were , funny sometimes how 'second best' that made me feel, stupid huh? Who could imagine that within one week of those photo's it would be over, the past 3 years of my life shared with you - over. I started thinking how many pictures I had of you - how much you loved to have pictures taken of you - how rare it was for you to ask to take a picture of me. Funny - I should have seen something wrong in that - it should have given me a greater sense of unease. Oops there's that damn sound again - What?? - Oh nothing just my heart ripping in half - weird lil fucker does it a couple times a day - chuckle. So getting ready for your big trip away this weekend, huh ? Sure going alone is a good idea - no one to tell you jokes or carry the conversation, ya know - but I suppose your not looking for a joke-teller or a good conversationalist anymore are you ? Well, I need to stop looking at these photo's now because, well because it just hurts too much. I haven't said 'I love you', I haven't said 'I hate you', I haven't said 'I miss you'...but I do. Happy Birthday. Take care - Me"

A couch as a symbol. Never really thought my life would come to this - placing symbolic importance of the direction of my life and emotional well being on a creature-comfort-purchase from Pottery Barn, but my Charleston Slip-Cover Sofa arrived today.

At 32 years old, I have never owned a couch. I mean I've had couches, but they belonged to my roomate, or boyfriend or were a hand-me-down from a friend, but I've never purchased a couch.

When I lived in Milwaukee - my "pretend" couch was the stuff of legends. In lieu of purchasing a couch for my otherwise cool little apartment by the lake - I used an inflatable mattress with a flannel down sleepy bag and 6 huge green pillows - I mean it was the shit for watching movies with friends and kicking back to (um) enjoy video's of the "release" type...but I always found people kinda looking around my apartment like - uh - interesting - NO couch. You see I felt like if I bought a couch I was striking some permanent deal to stay in Milwaukee, and with my boyfriend (ex) 2000 miles away - I figured I would wait til I knew the next step. So somewhere in my head - the couch - became a symbol for the future of my relationship. So today - with the relationship ended and my heart and soul mending - two NOT sexy delivery men showed up at my door (you so KNOW I was hoping for some street-wise urban punks with hard dicks, sweaty butts and loose morals to deliver my couch AND MORE - but oh well) to bring me my consumer delight. I moved it around, adjusted - readjusted - maladjusted - the pillows, hung pictures above it - took them down - rehung them - set lamps on the right - then the left - Oh, ok back to right - for over and hour (shouldn't I be somewhere ? Oh crap - work!).

So now I'm part of the club - Symbolically Important Couches Klub (S.I.C.K.) and I just have one question to ask :

You wanna sit with me on my couch ?

I vented last night, not a little - A FRIGGING LOT. After a few too many glasses of wine - I climbed on the phone to one of my buddies
and ranted
and raved
and cursed
and spewed
- shredding, dicing, chopping - my Ex.

Today - I just felt plain shitty.

That's just not me - or at least not the me I want(ed) to be. I don't want my "ex" back, I don't. But I want to believe that this past 3 years, wasn't for nought (is that really a word or am I inventing them again ??). Would it kill him to pine for me ? To cry out my name at my window in the middle of the night ? To think that losing me was not acceptable ? To fight for me ? To PROVE to me that he was willing to endure slings and arrows to win me back ? But instead he cried for a few days and moved on - he CAN'T have me in his life now - he'll be back and be my friend when he's ready...ok, ok I know time and distance heal all wounds, but I just lost one of my closest friends, the man I thought I would grow old and feeble with ("come hear BABY, let me GUM ya!"), the person who knows every secret, every worry, every story, every dream. I still NEED him, his hugs, his friendship, his thoughts, his advice, his laugh, his concern. And now it's beginning to make me ANGRY, very, VERY ANGRY. I hate this. I feel this sensation pushing up from my stomach, eclipsing my broken heart and forcing, straining to explode out my head. I grit my teeth, I cap my ears, I shut my eyes and I TRY not to let it out, I DONT want to let it free.

...whats happening to me?

A list (of sorts) of random thoughts on my weekend:

• Dinner with the "X" before I left was a disaster, ending in the much loved dramatic exit of the restaurant, looking - much as we were - like another gay couple having a tif.
  
• I rocked NO one's world in Los Angeles this weekend ('cept Drag Queens, that strange tweaker who LOVED all the scars on the back of my head - "Uh HI it's called being hit in the head with a baseball bat - glad it turns you on!", a "once sexy" leather couple who was - well - more 'leathered' than their leather and people who have been til this point my friends and now that I am single may be inclined to think differently of me *one of them is under consideration*) which embarrassingly I have allowed to cast a deep shadow over my self-esteem.
  
• Let's face it booze is fun (Appletini, BEER) , bars are fun (Abbey, Revolver) - but I really would have had a much better time rolling, bumping and dancing at the Mayan.
  
• A near head-on collision, which gave my best friend Patrick no choice but to ram straight into a parked car was NOT the way I wanted to start Pride in LA.
  
• There were some extraordinary men to look at at Pride, but NO ONE brought a smile to my face MORE than getting to see a fuckin adorable Jason...I also had the luck to meet hotties Bruce and the boyfriend(s) (though I admit I was a little buzzed and all the muscle daddies started to look alike)...where the hell were these guys when I was at Faultline Friday and Saturday night looking for tail. Jason was even kind enough to snap a couple pics so check out his site.
  
• My best friend, is my BEST friend, is my best FRIEND, is my BEST FRIEND.
  
• No sex, NONE, not a hummer, a grope, a rim, a pump, a slam - nothing...and all weekend all I could think about is how bad I want to "make-out" with someone, remember making out, I don't. When the clothes don't even come off and it's still hotter (almost) than most sex.
  
• I haven't seen my baby Chris in almost 2 weeks and I am having withdrawals.
  
• The "X" and I began "dog-custody" last week, alternating 1 week stints from Thursday to Thursday (I know, I KNOW, it sounds moronic - but it will be a very ugly fight to decide who gets full custody otherwise), I am sooooooo missing Baby and hearing rustling around at night. Silence sucks.
  
• The nightmares have begun - strange social scenarios played out in my head involving my Ex and acts of redemption - sleeping with friends to spite me, trying to harm my family, burning every love letter I wrote him, telling me he hates me - bad dreams that leave me waking in tears and feeling lost, sad and confused.
  
• I'm horny - not a little - A LOT, I sport wood watching college guys biking to school, I stare at men like a ravenous dog, I need to get it over with - I need a one night stand.
  
• Getting a bit more than a little stressed about the continous outflow of cash - 1 week countdown to my bonus - but rent and car payment to be paid before then - float little check FLOAT.
  
• I'm just rambling now , aren't I ?

"If I was in the fridge...would you open the door?"
"If I was grass would you mow your lawn?"
"If I was your body would you still wear clothes?"


"If I was a booger would you blow your nose, where would you keep it, would you eat it ??"


"I'm just trying to give myself a reason... to be around"


"If I was a porch swing would you let me hang?"
"If I was a dance floor would you shake your thang?"
"If I was a rubber check would you let me bounce, up and down inside your bank account ?"


"Would you trust me not to break you?"


"I'm just trying really hard to make you... notice me being around."


"If I was a haircut would you wear a hat?"
"If I was a maid could I clean your flat?"
"If I was a carpet would you wipe your feet, in time to save me from mud off the street ?"


"If you liked me, if you loved me, would you get down on your feet and scrub me?"


"I'm a little grubby... from just being around."

Lyrics from "Being Around"/Album: "Come on Feel" by The Lemonheads

So would ya ??

>From: XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
>To: XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
>RE: Subject: How are you doing?
>Date: Thu, 20 Jun 2002 02:19:21 -0700


hey handsome, it is nice to hear from you.

I'm rather embarrassed by my message - I hate for people to see or hear me break down. I've been running around in sort of a state of shock/denial/apathy these past three weeks and the break-up has seemed more like a shadow on a summer day - there, but barely. So odd how it came sweeping up on me last night - in the middle of making my first home cooked meal in my new home, my dog slumbering at my feet, a close buddies CD playing in the background, and BAM! - smacked right in the face by such a deep overwhelming need to breakdown - I fell apart, down to my feet in the middle of my kitchen, my dog trying to lick away the tears that just came one after another, straining to hit the ground faster than the last. I tried to play the tough guy one day to long and my mind had enough and just did a number on me. It was at that moment, pulling myself up off the floor I tried so hard to regain composure and I was just gone for an hour. Then the oddest thing happened, there was a knock at my front door and when I went to it - there was this sweet, little old lady at my door with a plate of fresh strawberries - she was my new neighbor...she said nothing about my appearance, or my puffy eyes - she told me she would have baked for me but it was so hot outside (112 degrees- shit), she gave me the strawberries and treats for my dog and we chatted about the neighborhood and how she had lived there for 35 years and how she hoped I wouldn't go (move away) as quickly as the other neighbors seemed to. It was just such a sweet, unexpected moment - I just felt calmer after it...I just knew I would get through this, I would rebuild the parts that felt broken, my heart would mend, and though I know I'll cry again that it will become easier, less draining each time I just let it happen.

Fucking long story huh ? Sorry - your the first one i've told beyond my best friend Patrick. If you read all that gibberish, thanks...you are a good listener and very sweet and very cute....

Thanks for thinking of me. I don't feel comfortable - with anyone - really going into the "WHY's" of why XXXXXX and I broke up, I think that type of behavior is classless, it doesn't bring back your relationship. XXXXXX and I had almost 3 years, I Love him with every fiber of my being, he's my buddy, I will never betray him and will always be there if he needs me no matter how painful it may be to see him - but for whatever reason I have no doubts that we were meant to end.

As for this weekend. I decided to hit LA, Pride will be nice and distracting and it's my best friend Patricks bday...perhaps you boyz might be down for it ? It would be great to see you'all. As for SD Pride I have to admit I might give it up to XXXXXX, he wants to go so badly and it will be painful for him to have me there.

Anyway I just seem to be going on and on (INSERT HERE: Picture of that damn energizer bunny)

Luv ya - Kurt


>From: XXXXXXXXXXXXXX
>To: XXXXXXXXXXXXX
>Subject: How are you doing?
>Date: Thu, 20 Jun 2002 10:19:21 -0700
>
> Good morning Kurt,
> Sorry I wasn't home when you called. Would have
>enjoyed talking to you. Curt told me that you and XXXXXXX broke up. Sorry to
>hear that things didn't work out. You both seemed so happy together. Maybe
>you can still work things out??? Not sure on the details or what
>happen...but hopefully you to are still friends at least. Or maybe you just
>needed to take a break from each other to appreciate each other more. Again
>not sure what happen but I hope you're both in a good place. Are you still
>coming to stay with us during pride? I heard you might be coming even
>sooner. Curt told me you maybe coming this weekend or next. It would be
>great to see you. Anyway hope all is well with you and if you need someone
>to talk to I'm always available. I've been told I'm a great listener. Take
>care big guy and Hopefully I'll hear from you soon.
> Love,
> James :-)

ok, just booked my tickets for THIS.

It just dawned on me that I have never been in LA as a single guy - ever. Every time I have ever been I've had a boy - this will be either really good for my self-esteem of really rough...all those - we think we're too good for you pretty boys, but thats ok I could really go for a hot Leather Daddy right now anyway - I hate to say it but I just want to fuck someone who in no way reminds me of my ex. Plus the double-treat is that it's my best friend Patricks bday and I'll get to wine and dine him.

Anyone know the scoop on "where to be" this weekend, please share.

...keeping above water today (it's a lot easier to float when there are so many people offering you life preservers - THANKS!)

I'm here today. Comfortable inside my skin. Scared shit-less, but feeling more solid. I started my day strong, with an agenda, and came at it full force.

I see the Ex on Thursday...I'm gonna smile, be sincere and be his friend, he's hurting too and I love him and want him to heal as well.

Be prepared. At the end of all this - I'm gonna be fucking FIERCE.

...it crept in this weekend, somewhere behind my eyes, deep inside my thoughts it burrowed in and took root...a melancholy, a despair, a sadness...I met strangers - told clever jokes let them compliment my arms - I made innuendo's...the bumper to the nose, a tab here and then when the rolling stopped - another to keep that despair - the visitor ) or would it become a resident ? - nestled in it's hole. I repeated the statement again and again : "No Lucky and I seperated a couple of weeks back" "What - well - I really don't feel comfortable discussing why - but we have and we're buddies and I'll always love him " Yes thank you - we really did make a cute couple - guess that's kinda not the point now anymore is it though"

crap - this is just gonna suck isn't it?