...it's never short of um - well something - here these days.

• The funeral was amazing - AMAZING - I only teared up towards the end - but my lovely girls flanking my sides cried all the way thru. Literally the church was full to the hilt of amazing people. 200 - maybe 250. This guy was so loved. M.'s eulogy was the most amazingly human thing I have heard spoken in a long time. Can a person get "funeral envy"?
  
• The house guest and I have been having the craziest fun - how have I managed to dress my self each day when I could have a girl to discuss each selection with me and insist on viewing 20 to 100 choices.
  
• BN1 seems to have found out about BN3. Not sure whats up with the mojo - but last night at Amsterdams - a BN4 and BN5 contestant reered their beautiful heads and seriously, drop-dead sexy bodies. One given a kiss. One given a number.
  
• Looking forward to a little down time after this weekend, but considering I'm in Palm Springs from Friday to Monday - not sure I'll be getting that.

AGENDA:

• Pick up the "El Train" at the airport.
  
• Lunch with the "ladies that lunch" at Arcadia Farms
  
• Maragarita's at Dos Gringos
  
• Boyz at BS
  
• Day-o-Shopping - Kierland, Fashion Square, Biltmore (mental note: MUST buy a frigging bathing suit)
  
• Dinner at AZ88, drinks at Merc - meet up with BN1
  
• Funeral - is my suit clean, what tie?
  
• Memorial Service
  
• Wine at Il Postino
  
• Dinner at Elements at the Sanctuary
  
• Breakfast at Orange Market Grocery
  
• Day-o-Beauty - Spa Day at Phoenician
  
• Dinner at Bar Mouche - meet up with BN2
  
• Sunday (all day) Sedona - rich hippies and soul stuff.
  
• Monday AM (friggin early) - the El Train departs.

...went out with BN3 last night. I gotta admit my heart was racing the entire time, and when he kissed me - in my car - after a very flirtatious and enjoyable dinner - my heart stopped. I'm not saying anything - but I'm saying - I hadn't felt a surge of energy like that since my first kiss with Lucky. I'm feeling lust - bad. I'm not looking to be boyfriends with anyone - put if I'm gonna finally put out - this is where I want to start.

I put the ball in his court - "Ask me out if you'd like to see me again?" - his response:

"May I ask you right now?"

I'm having dinner with him tonight.

maybe I can find time to let go of some of this
...so it is
maybe I can see a way to have more love for myself
...so it is
maybe I can leave this hate behind that's seeping down in to my soul
...so it is
maybe I can love myself alone, more then I could ever need another to do it for me
...so it is
maybe my tomorrows are more beautiful than my yesterdays
...so it is
I just have to agree to let go - breathe - let go - breathe - let go
...so it is

(random thoughts from my raki massage yesterday)

Proof that I don't just live in a tight t-shirt and jeans - the civilized me

  

BN#3 called.

Ok - I lied about there not being a Bachelor #3 - I gave a guy my phone number last night - and I really, really, really want him to call. This one I would have to fight (against myself) tooth and nail not to put out for.

Bachelor #2 is history, so really that's just a manageable two anyway, right?

Sucked it up last night and went out to places that have a high probablity of running into the "X". I didn't and had alot of fun and alot of attention (INSERT HERE: New Meat) to boot. Going to see "Dirty Blonde" at Gammage tonight and then have to start getting ready for my Serbian Mistress houseguest.

Good times to all this weekend.

Ok - I swear (fingers crossed behind back) that I'll stop putting mopey lyrics up.

What Was It Like
(Mary Chapin Carpenter/Gary Burr)

What was it like
How did it feel
It's so hard to tell if it was real
I know I was there but with every day
It slips away
And I feel like a passing glance that you never gave a chance
Baby that's not right
What was it like

What did you say
What did I hear
When did it start to disappear
I know you were there
You know that too
What did we do
'Cause I feel like a big mistake that you managed to not quite make
And just walk away
What did you say

Guess I've waited long enough hoping it might be something
Other than what it was

You took something that felt so good
And crushed it because you could
One summer night
What was it like
What was it like
What was it like

So I was working as a waitress in a cocktail bar - that much is true...
but then I met Donald and that was when, that was when I knew.
Don't you leave me ba-by, don't you leave me o-e-ooooooooooo.

As I stand here in my faded, cut-off ,Jacklyn Smith, daisy dukes and orange sherbet polka-dot (you called them "Poke-My-Dots" to be cute) halter-top cradling our 6 month year old daughter "Jeremiah Sissy Johnson" in my arms (barely covering the needle tracks and bruises) - I beg - NO I PLEAD! - dont you leave me and our baby this way!
I haven't even had a chance to NAIR my legs !!

Could I have done something different - perhaps one of those unusual foreign positions from that Kami Slutra book you kept hidden between the "Sleep-n-Easy" matress ?

Perhaps rubbed your size 12 feet without making those funny faces because of the smell ?

Maybe if I had made more money on the streets for you while you slaved at home coming up with the next revolutionary, entrepreneurial idea for a pyramid scheme actually made out of "pyramids".

Damn, Damn, Damn - I curse this ugly day - I curse it to Arkansas and back.

Anyone got a cig ? Here be a love - hold my baby.

uh - whats up with BLOGGER FTP taking like a GAZILLION minutes to update ??? (oh - hold it - you won't be able to tell me until a gazillion plus one minutes after I posted this - sorry)

Simple Life
(Mary Chapin Carpenter)

You're making lists today of all the things you haven't done yet
You're driving everyone crazy, are you having any fun yet
Mother says you oughta get married
Shrink says here's a little blue pill
Too young for your mid-life crisis
Mirror says you're over the hill

There's nothing wrong with you
The simple life gets complicated
There's nothing you can do, just enjoy the view be glad you made it

You're making resolutions and it isn't even New Year's
You could try a new religion, you could wait until the dust clears
Friends say you're way too choosy
Shrink says see you next week
Guru says control your breathing
You're afraid you might have peaked

There's nothing wrong with you
The simple life gets complicated
There's nothing you can do, just enjoy the view be glad you made it

Cuz things could be better, cuz things could be worse
Cuz life can be charmed and cursed
There's fast, slow and stall, no reverse

There's nothing wrong with you
The simple life gets complicated
There's nothing you can do, just enjoy the view be glad you made it

There's nothing wrong with you
The simple life gets complicated
There's nothing you can do, just enjoy the view be glad you made it

A List of Likelihoods (or "Chances in Hell")

The likelihood that the author of this list is avoiding writing anything of subsequent depth or revelation: 99%

The likelihood that (a) said authors ex-boyfriend reads this said blog - thus (b) inspiring the first bullet point: (a) 65%, (b) 89%

The likelihood that I will feel like being friends with said ex-boyfriend in the coming months: 0%

The likelihood that I will ever be friends with said ex-boyfriend again: 25%

The likelihood that I will have a new boyfriend before the end of 2003: 84%

The likelihood that that boyfriend "will be the one": 18%

The likelihood that having a new boyfriend again in the coming year is a good idea: 26%

The likelihood that having a new boyfriend again in the coming year is a bad idea: Uh, just subtract 100 from the above

The likelihood I will finally have sex this month: 87%, er, uh - Palm Springs - White Party - nuf said.

The likelihood that I will give up booze or drugs in the next three months: 2%

The likelihood that I will give up booze or drugs in the next three years: 82%

The likelihood that we will be out of Irag before Memorial Day: 11%

The likelihood that Jerry Bruckheimer will ever produce a sensitive man's movie: 0%

The likelihood that Paul T Anderson will make at least 4 more: 97%

The likelihood that country music was invented for listening to while drinking or during painful break-ups, but more likely both: 100%

The likelihood that half of my readers have never even given country music a chance and dismissed it's effort entirely: 52%

The likelihood the reason I appreciate country music is because I grew up in Arizona: 67%

The likelihood that this little stream-of-conciousness ramble has lead you to believe I only listen to country music: 76%

The likelihood of me being found listening to country music: 19%

The likelihood of me getting another dog: 100%

The likelihood that will ever heal my heart over losing Baby: 3%

The likelihood of feeling waves of hatred for my ex concurrent to the absence of Baby in my life: 98%

The likelihood of feeling waves of hatred for my ex concurrent with my thoughts of his absence in my life: 52%

The chance in hell that I will stop torturing people with lists: 0%

:: Rollercoaster by EBTG (Album: Amplified Heart) ::

I still haven't got over it even now.
I want to spend huge amounts of time on my own.
I don't want to cause any serious damage.
I want to make sure that I can manage,
because I'm not really in your head,
I'm not really in your head.

And I see love and disaffection
and the clouds build up and won't pass over.
This is my road to my redemption.
And my life is just an image of a rollercoaster anyway.

I still haven't got over it even now.
I want to spend huge amounds of time in my room.
And I'm not coming out until I feel ready,
not running out for a while my heart's unsteady,
and I'm not really in your head.
I'm not really in your head.

When you sky falls to minus zero,
well some things must dissappear.
Oh this is my road to my redemption.


And my life is just an image of a rollercoaster anyway.
The names may have been changed but the faces are the same
The names may have been changed but as people we're not the same.

And I'm not, no I'm not, no I'm not
really in your head.

And my life is just an image of a rollercoaster anyway.
Yeah, my life is just an image of a rollercoaster anyway.

so it's like some cruel trip. I'm not stupid - I'm barely 4 weeks out of a three and half-year relationship and bachelor #1 is seducing me better then any man has in a long time. Points of evidence in his favor. A week and half ago I invited him over and made him dinner ( oh yeah - I can cook too), well mistakenly he left a wine glass by his chair in my TV room (which I subsequently dropkicked into my fireplace later that night after he left) - well when he showed up tonight he had purchased me 4 new wine glasses to apologize for his transgression. I swooned. Well actually I never swoon, I accepted them like it was nothing - but on the inside - I was like "OH MY FUCKING GOD !" - how could he be so sweet - so considerate. The only thing that made it better was that I had bought him card - a non-romatic, funny, "it's really cool to hang out with you because your a cool guy card". I thought about letting him spend the night and then I got a grip on my colder side and kicked him out. Tommorow we are going to the Cezanne exhibit - can you imagine - he's sweet and I get to be smart ? What gives??

Was emailed by the ex today.

He needs all the pet insurance policy information for the dog that used to be mine and that I have been paying for since we got her.

He also needed the information on the flight to PTown that I also paid for.

He included two "icon smiley faces "

I want to hit something or puke.

Trying to decide which to do first.

uh - if John Rutherford is stepping down - I can think of no other who would rock that job then me...

What's in a Number ?

17 - grams of sugar in a Starbucks "Doubeshot Espresso with Cream"

12 - grams of "kitty" that I have purchased and partaken of since the break-up with Lucky.

1 - number of times I have "taken care of business" since I awoke.

3 - number of times I will have "taken care of business" before I go to sleep.

33 - current waist line, also easily confused with 31, 32 and 34 depending on the cut and maker of jeans

22 - pair of jeans I currently own and wear on a regular basis.

2 - number of times I have been in love in my life.

0 - number of times I intend to have my heart broken in the future - yeah right, uh ?

384,271 - Gross Profit Dollars to date for Q1

5 - percent multiplier of above number to determine my quarterly bonus.

8 - number of times I have watched "Donnie Darko"

12 - number of times I have watched "Urbania"

2 - number of people who keep regular office hours in my office.

1 - number of people who keep regular office hours in my office besides myself.

63,039 - number of unique visitors to this site since inception on May 14th, 2001

1,210 - average number of unique visitors to this site in a week

5 - number of bloggers I know I would have sex with if circumstances were right.

59 - number of bloggers I link to

58 - number of blogger who just went "uh - is he talking about me" (I left out Jennie - she's a Diva/Goddess - but I really know I'd barking up the wrong tree)

10 - number of bloggers I link to that I have met.

1 - number of times I've spent a night in jail.

4 - number of bar fights I have been in

6 - years old, age I realized I was gay after having a dream of a handsome fireman rescuing me from a fire - where my family perished - then taking me away with him.

210 - theoretically the number of men I have slept with if you assume 10 a year for 21 years (since I first started having sex)

12 - men have topped me in those 21 years.

2 - number of times I've been fucked by my ex (or anyone for that matter) in the past year and half.

3 - months, since I last had full on sex.

1 - number of times I have been mistaken for an armed bank robber and that police have surrounded the resturant I was dining in.

2 - number of people I call "best friend"

3 - number of people involved in an ideal sexual situation.

14 - number of three-ways I have had.

1 - number of times I had a three-way with my ex.

1 - number of times I have had a three-way involving my partner.

40,232 - number of miles on my 2000 BMW 3 series.

98,114 - number of miles on my 1990 Isuzu Pick-up before she died in 97.

4 - number of boyfriends that have cheated on me.

1 - number of boyfriends that I have caught in the act.

2 - number of boyfriends that I have cheated on.

18,000 - dollars, annual salary of first job out of college as a sales rep.

26 - number of American men in the military that have died in the Iraq conflict/war. (number may be off)

4 - number of periodicals I subscribed to (Business Week, GQ, Architectural Digest and Mens Health)

72 - age of the owner of my company.

3 - average amount of times he asks me the same question on the same day.

2,316,856.60 - current dollars in Accounts Receivable that I manage for his company.

33 - age of Bachelor #2

35 - age of Bachelor #1

33 - my age

44 - number of items on this list before I decided I better get my ass back to work.

..it's weird in what ways a man can affect me. How often intelligence or humor has turned me on over a big dick or a sweet ass (though I still really, really like both). Bachelor #1 spoke so eloquently, so efficiently and with such historical foundation on his views about american involvement in foreign countries in their effort to "spread" democracy - that I wanted to hump him then and there. We had intelligent conversation, then we had intellectual converation and finally, we had a candid conversation. He admitted he felt he was "aware" that sex hadn't happened yet. I assured him that it was restraint, not repulsion. I reminded him that I offer NO promises, NO future, but that I truly enjoy when his hands find their place holding mine in the movie theater, or the goodnight kiss, or the shared laugh over something inanely stupid.

So how do I go from this - to tomorrow's date - letting another charm me...all the while stealing moments of hatred for my ex in the back of my mind ?