I'm hungover and bored.

Just not in the mood to work today. The office is empty and I find myself ignoring the dosseir (sp?) I need to put together for the lawsuit, accounts receivable reporting I need to update to finish my Q1 reporting for the CPA, death threats I need to make to people who owe my company way too much money and an IN basket that would strike fear in the hearts of many a paper-weight.

...and I'm fucking horny.

I need sex. Good, dirty, sweaty, cum in my face sex.

I've been seeing someone for 3 months now, but it's all but over. And there hasn't been any sex there for weeks. Once I stop feeling for someone - I stop. All gone, gone fishing, void/do not redeposit, return to sender. We haven't spoken in three days so the only thing left is to say the words. He's a great guy, but aimless. 26 and just going nowhere. I've always been so driven - so agressive about finding success in whatever I do - that I'm just dumbfounded when I meet bright, attractive guys who seem to care only about the next bump and where the after-hours party is at.

I need more, much more. I want to be challenged, intellectually stimulated - I want to be excited when I hear him talk about his accomplishments, I want to share in his hopes, I want to want to tear his clothes off everytime I see him - instead I'm paying his cell phone bill because he hasn't paid it two months - but still always manages to have coke on him.

I think the whole thing has me in a rut. That sense of disappointment in the bigger picture when something I try fails. It's been a long 2 and 1/2 years since Lucky and I split up and 1 and 1/2 since Hero's suicide. I've tried to date twice now, same results - it's great, fantastic even for the first month or so, by the second month I'm having buyers remorse and by the third I'm chewing my arm off to get away. But in my heart I know I want someone in my life - just not sure how to get there.

Things seem very helter-skelter of late. My best friend V. is coming intown this week for a funeral. One of those random connections - not her, but the poor guy who passed away, that bring your frineds back even though it's starting to hit 100 degrees here.

The first few weeks when the heat comes on in Arizona makes everyone excessively cranky - I would probably compare it to the mind set they spoke of in my 1 year-hiatis in Milwaukee - S.A.D. (Seasonal Attitude Depression). Kinda that - oh shit-I live in fucking AZ and the temperature is gonna be 100 and over for the next 6 months - oh what ever happened to march and tooling around town with the top down.

Spoke to Big H. tonite and agreed to go on some gay caribbean cruise next January to celebrate his big 4-0. It'll be something to look forward to and plenty of time to lose a couple of pounds.

Not sure what became of my Saturday post - but oh such is life on the blogspot.

....so here it is....once again...what am I blogging about...when I started doing this back in 2001 - Crap that's frigging 4 years ago, I think I wanted to reach out, wanted to meet people - I was living in Milwaukee, working in Advertising and was bored. Then it steamrolled into an opportunity to chronicle a time of huge transition in my my life with wonderful highs and some devastating lows...and then it stopped. Valid reasons.grief.pain.some fucking dark, dark days. I disappeared for almost a year trying to straighten out my head and to move on. Then I started again but in the most tumultuous - and still it be - time of my professional life.

So it became harder and harder to write....but somehow I still haven't lost the need for this form of expression, so I still come back to write. But now more fear lurks, because now "blogging" is a water cooler word and you wonder what deck of cards does my blog sit upon.

I try to keep growing and improving, timeouts from drinking and partying and now maybe more than ever in the last few weeks - a desire to pull it all back in and create a tighter, more structured and reliable existence. See - I'm much more fun when I'm being bad - but I'm 35 and I'm starting to spend more time thinking about the foundation that I've built than what color to paint the trim.

One of my buddies came to me today and told me a little story about he and a friend getting smeared on a bloggers site and that the guy had posted a picture of them calling them "assholes". I thought that's retarded a blogger wouldn't do that it's so tacky. When I started blogging a few years and over 150,000 hits ago I always wrote in a very personal nature of deeply personal events or of the crazy world that we were living in; sure now and then a naughty escapade or a satirical rant, but stuff that would click with a guy living in Iran or a housewife living in Brisbane.

I've met amazing people by putting myself out there.

Well I found out who the guy was and it's Darin at Darinstuff.

Darin, I'll shoot you and email and let you know I'm talking about you because it's only fair. Blogs are about our lives, but also about how we conduct ourselves. My friends commented on you commenting in a public place - loudly - about someone they knew (honestly, don't know your ex, don't care). They just called you out on it.

Hey I've ripped people on my site before, but never gave names and certainly didn't take photo's. It can very cathartic to vent. I've lived in Arizona since 79, I know an ungodly amount of people - I've done some stupid shit - we all do. But if you think that your gonna be "drumming up business at any of the places on the gay scene" or the straight scene while using your blog to publicly slam people your sadly mistaken. I was an executive in advertising and I have my own business, word-of-mouth is a bitch.

It's easy to get your name trashed in this town - it's big, but very small.

Your probably a good guy who was pissed. It happens.

A great phrase an older and wiser friend taught me:

Brilliant people talk about idea's,
Smart people talk about events,
Small people talk about people.

SFO was fun....and a really good kick to the ass of my ego. The boiz at Mezzanine
I believe it was called were really, really fucking hot. I'm kicking myself for not playing with any of them but EJ and I were sharing a room and I think three-ways are probably not the best Boss-Employee bonding time. I frigging blew so much cash shopping - I really have to admit I just love new threads. The new Deisel jeans are gonna work well with my back to the gym attitude. Kinda found the service to be rude but had the greatest waitress at Mecca and gave her $100 tip just to see her beam. Fun, fun - now back to work to pay for the debauchery.

I'm a shit - u can say it, go ahead - I'm a shit - I don't write, we don't talk, I don't return calls..ugh.

Everything is as usual - unusual. A frantic, fragile, hectic, happy, bullshit - pace.
I will buy the comapny I work for in now - just 11 months, things there are stressful and a constant reminder I really want to retire young. Broke up with a beautiful, latino boy I had been dating for the past month tonight. All in all it went well - I was a gentleman, I waited til the end of a lovely meal a beautiful restaurant, he seem saddened but gracious. You always feel a bit of a shit though - hey it's not you it's me, you're fantastic any guy would kill for you, I normally am only attracted to serial killers (kidding)- letting some one down that way.

But it was fun to date again - now started to have sex again needs to be resolved - I got it in Australia - but it was lame and it's just not the same if you don't cum.
Hopefully I've moved out of my monk phase. Got a great work-out partner who is whooping my ass so I'm back at the gym after this very strange summer.

Taking one of my boiz to SFO for the weekend for his bday present - if your around look for me, I'm gonna go to Beach Blanket Bablyon and then to the End Up tomorrow night.

Anyway - it's late - or early - or both. I either should sleep or pack or make breakfast - something like that.

Hope keeeps nudging against my hand as I type. The remnants of salty-delicious-cashews must still linger on my typing fingers. Another Christmas, dysfunc-funk-tional lullaby. Pulling myself from watching "The L Word", three beautiful blond labradours asleep around me - I should go to that party, maybe there's a mister right there - but I sip on my Absolut Manadarin and White Peach Cranberry and Moet & Chandon concocoction - take a bump and think shit - it's safe, in my homestead comfort reflected off the pulsing, plasama monitor before me. I wonder what could pull me from here as I listen to the chimes of the cell phone. Merry Gay Christmas - always one step different from what we grew up to expect. Hours distanced from the family regulariy. My brother with his wife and my sister with her husband and children. Knowing how they love me, knowing I've made them proud - but no competition for their ability to give birth and have weddings - things I'll never give my parents. My gifts - have price tags my family never thought we could afford - my wrapping is too perfect I felt embarassed that I put so much effort into it, the effort I would put into a lover. My parents give me an easel, sketching books, they want to see me embrace my artistic side again - I cringe, I feel like I'm in 9th grade and Susie Dressel is still the most beautiful girl in my world. Cody keeps nudging my hand. I crawl back to the bed - warm, safe, and text my friends messages of love.

Merry Dysfunc-funk=gay-tional Christmas.

Out of town guests got me back in to the world.

Lots of interesting connections this past weekend, layers of friends, over layers of friends, over layers of friends - did Friendster explode or something ? It made for a "how- well - threaded - is - all - this - shit - anyway" weekend.

I asked two men for dates, let's see where that goes, maybe it's time I tried to love something more than than my three beautiful dogs...crazy weekend. Fun. Fun. Fun.

Of course walking out of the bar last night holding two beautiful 24 yr old hands probably didn't do much to not pigeon-hole me in to a "Daddy" status at 35.

I'm back.

Australia was absolu-friggin-mazing !

I slept alot. I drank. I snorkeled. I made friends. I made even more friends. I hiked the rain forest. I learned. I got sunburned. I got drunk. I got bitten (Damn! their flies bite hard and draw blood). I swam with a shark amongst one of the seven wonders of the world. I met some at bars too. Sydney was lovely. Beautiful and historic, Flashy and young. There are seriously the hottest pool of boiz to swim amongst in Sydney. I shopped on Oxford St. ($$$$$). I drank Tooheys and James Hoage. I ate a meat pie at damn what is it called again? Mark's on the Water ? The hotel was a refuge for "free-range" models (eat girls - really, eat already.)I saw the Sydney Aquariam and felt like I had already swum in the pool. I bought the first two seasons of "Kath & Kim". I smiled at people who smiled at me. I stayed American - sounding really dumb trying to say things like "Eh, G'Day Mate!", and loved hearing "No worries" every single time it was said. I love being able to call a woman "luv".

It became heart-breakenly clear how the rest of the world views us: brash, imperialistic, reckless, cruel, funny, provocative, horrible, fancy, insane and then sane. I had more spirited debates than I could ever have in the states and walk away without slugging a man. I learned a lot about myself in others eyes. I felt older and little lonely for my youth, but maybe a little more understanding of the trade-off's, there are always "trade-off's". Can't say I think the sex was that great, but those dirty stories are for another time. Time to start getting pics together and getting friends their gifts...

slowed down a little by today's set back...

4 more years, boy is this country divided.

So two friends and myself treked down to Tempe Town Lake to the Democrat - slash - third debate rally. What a nightmare. I mean, tell us up front if what you mean by "print your tickets online" means - when you show up, thanks for the head count, but sorry we're still letting people in with mystery tickets that the rest of us Democrats couldn't figure out where they got them.

Packed up the boys and went back to mi casa, where through the glory of Tivo we were able to order pizza, grab beer and still watch the debate (and take piss breaks when we wanted to).

Kerry did good.

Yeah Bush was more confident and threw down the gauntlet, but here's the simpliest way to put it - he's merely doing a good job repeating a speech writers words about his flailing, self-rewarding, world-ignoring, ignorance thru confidence and truth thru repitition; repeat after me "W" - just because you repeat it, doesn't make it TRUE.

Would I prefer that Kerry say yes to gay marriage sure, but let's be real, his answer on the question of gay marriage evoked more willingness to see us as equals then "The Burning Bush". Was it dirty politics to bring up that Cheney's daughter is a lesbian, well only if ya think that the word "lesbian" is a dirty word in the first place - she is, isn't she.

I'm voting next Monday out of fear that my flight back from Australia lands me on ABC's show "LOST" - which I have to admit I'm pretty addicted to. So I'll be done, I'll have voted for my country - though it stings a little to know that it's well suspected that my state will stay "red" and our electoral votes and Mrs. John McCain (looking every bit Alexis Carrington in the front row tonight) are already stuffed in the corner of George's chuckling cheeks.

dudes...totally decided to get fucked up, bumped up tonight, on the viewing itinerary:

First watch "SAVED"
Second watch "Passion of the Christ"
Third watch "Passion of the Jew - South Park"

I am having a religious moment.

Boy my heads (actually nose) is gonna hurt tommorrow.

...easier then retyping the whole thing - my weekend-in-a-nutshell:

From : Kurt *********
Sent : Sunday, October 3, 2004 9:25 PM
To : s*********@cox.net
CC : t*********@aol.com
Subject : RE: testing 1-2-3

| | | Inbox


Beautiful Maddie and Handsome Steven:

Hey Kids - we'll see if this works, let's just admit it AOL and Microsoft hate each other!

I do also have a work email at AOL, though - "*******@aol.com"

Friday, October 1st was actually Friday the 13th pour moi - around 6am the dogs were restless due to the construction workers pouring the concrete for the new drive reparations - alas they all tumbled wholeheartedly, into their Daddy's bed for protection from the shadows outside...unfortunately in the middle of the Doggie/love-in, my dog Hope accidently scratched my corneia. A bit blinded, my right-hand man from work EJ took me to a surgical optometrist where I preceded to sit on my not-often-worn-MODO-glasses and break them during the eye exam.

Yikes - did I feel like I was having the worst day or what!

The Doctor felt confident that, though Hope had done one helluva-job on my eye, that there was no "permnanent damage" - I was hiding my broken glasses from him at the time - lol! So EJ takes me to Walgreens to get a prescription to prevent an infection from beginning, unfortunately walking away from me to look at something while I was getting it filled - he didn't seem to realize that I could at this point (with no glasses and a patch to be on my eye) SEE NOTHING. So I stood in the middle of the card aisle looking like the most pathetic "island-of-misfit-toys-reject" you've ever seen. Finally EJ found me and rewarded (?) me with spicy pork rinds munchables of some sort and we waited to get the needed drops.

Well as if the tale of "Les Kurts MIserable" wasn't done yet - we get back to my house where I was to be confined in a dark room for what was to be a fun weeekend - I go to place a contact in my one good eye (though I think many have always suspected I had an "evil eye") forgetting of the SPICY pork-rind munchables from before...

Wham - Bam - Cayenne Pepper eye-ful later....I'm now running with two bad eyes!

What a day!

Anyway, the weekend though painful is coming to a better close (thank you pain-killers) and hopefully I won't have to wear the patch over my eye to get back to work tomorrow. I'm trying the dark house - old eyeglasses thing right now - and watched a lot of great films and docu/mocku-mentaries ("Super Size Me" & "Show Bows").

Look forward to our next dinner and hopefully - gazing into your two sets of beautiful eyes !

xoxo

Yours - Kurt

PS - I finally have an excuse for typos and bad punctuation - I can't see them to delete them.

...stressed-out lately, happy, content, feel good, but work is a stressor beyond belief.

Can't believe I'll be in Australia in less than a month...everything is set except for Visa's, I'll get that done this week.

The landscape construction, demo, whatever it's called is in full - suck - swing - more sucking - yeah, that's my wallet getting the job, not me unfortunately. Hopefully the front will be done before I leave - what we won't do for curb appeal - and man how it fucks up my morning jack-off-before-I-go-to-work-routine!

Every now and then my "big fag" alter ego slips out into the light of day...like just now as I paid over $300 a ticket to see the one, the delovely, the devine Ms Bette Midler in November.

Never seen her and sick of talking to people who have.

Floor seats. 5th row. November 27th.

Smell me.

trapped.

Left my cell phone at work and I'm out of contact with the outside world, their jackhammering my drive as we speak as part of the new landscaping project so my car sits in the garage. No communication and no method of transportation.

Oh how did the pioneers do it?

I have a cocktail party at 5pm and a formal dinner - slash- Democratic fundraiser at 8pm - all this and nothing to wear and now an even more limited time to shop.

I'm gay - where's my god-damn "fairy" god-mother ? LOL.

Feel me burn
I live - somewhat trepidly, but more daring
I have flames falling back from my brow
Icarus with purpose
foolish, with more delight
greater determination
more sense of pain
more significant sense of living
(of life)
I blaze
and it
burns ever so magnificently.

This week was a blur.

Last weekend was all boozing and parties; looking to be a little more domesticated this weekend. Meet with the landscape architect on Saturday morning, very exciting - I love my home, but it has boring, curb appeal. Hit the Gym three times this week, light booze, no drugs, head feels pretty clear...I'm getting a little concerned about the extra 15 lbs I seem to have around the waist - but I'm telling myself to be patient while I get back in the swing of things.

Had a run in with Lucky at a Labor Day party on Sunday - at first it was akward, then it seemed good and then he walked off the dance floor leaving me with the words that "I had made the decision to leave him and break his heart" (to be fair I'm paraphrasing the gist of the words). Luckily I was distracted by having to drive a friends vomiting roomate home - but that made me lose contact with a beautiful blond Canadian architect I had spent most of my night flirting with. Actually was flirted pretty heavily with by two hot boys that night - felt good, a kinda missed that electricity.

Ended up talking to Lucky two days later when he called to apologize - I lost it and kinda tore into him - and then was like, "Shit - two years and I still let him push all of my buttons".

The end result of the conversation is that neither of us is ready to be friends, yet neither of us see's the sense in hating each other - I just asked that the next time we see each other in public we give each other 15 minutes - don't push it, try and geniunely be friendly and after maybe a few times of doing this maybe we'll feel more comfortable.

It's been complicated loving people, can't say the last four years has me racing to the alter - but somewhere in the back of my head I can see it would be nice to share parts of my life with someone again - and alas start having sex with something other than my hand (and no I don't mean something made of plastic ;) )

The Devil wore a black suit and a blue tie...

standing at the majestic podium made for him this night he spout lies:

"Extend frontiers of freedom"

"Expanding liberty"

and "A government that allowed the people to make the decisions that guided their lives"

A am a gay man, the Devil won't offer me freedom of choice in my loved ones, my tax-bracket, my future and my liberties.

In fact the Devil wants to "reduce my frontiers of freedom, revoke my liberty and tell me exactly how I should live my life and with whom"

Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you "W".

I just listened to Arnie-nator speak at the Republican Convention - I am so deeply disgusted that I can't even consider making a list of every shallow, empty, statement that he made.

It made me think though of that person that you've worked with at least once in your life - nice enough, smart enough, friendly enough - the one who makes sure you see them give a buck to a charitable donation (though only a buck), who always expresses concern about a co-worker (while managing to mention deeply personal information about that co-workers life), who proudly mentions their volunteer work (from seven years ago)and who parks in the handicap spot because they were in a hurry...they think caring, consideration, education and empathy are important - just not to be taken to seriously.

I want to puke.