Wednesday, May 18, 2005

I'm hungover and bored.

Just not in the mood to work today. The office is empty and I find myself ignoring the dosseir (sp?) I need to put together for the lawsuit, accounts receivable reporting I need to update to finish my Q1 reporting for the CPA, death threats I need to make to people who owe my company way too much money and an IN basket that would strike fear in the hearts of many a paper-weight.

...and I'm fucking horny.

I need sex. Good, dirty, sweaty, cum in my face sex.

I've been seeing someone for 3 months now, but it's all but over. And there hasn't been any sex there for weeks. Once I stop feeling for someone - I stop. All gone, gone fishing, void/do not redeposit, return to sender. We haven't spoken in three days so the only thing left is to say the words. He's a great guy, but aimless. 26 and just going nowhere. I've always been so driven - so agressive about finding success in whatever I do - that I'm just dumbfounded when I meet bright, attractive guys who seem to care only about the next bump and where the after-hours party is at.

I need more, much more. I want to be challenged, intellectually stimulated - I want to be excited when I hear him talk about his accomplishments, I want to share in his hopes, I want to want to tear his clothes off everytime I see him - instead I'm paying his cell phone bill because he hasn't paid it two months - but still always manages to have coke on him.

I think the whole thing has me in a rut. That sense of disappointment in the bigger picture when something I try fails. It's been a long 2 and 1/2 years since Lucky and I split up and 1 and 1/2 since Hero's suicide. I've tried to date twice now, same results - it's great, fantastic even for the first month or so, by the second month I'm having buyers remorse and by the third I'm chewing my arm off to get away. But in my heart I know I want someone in my life - just not sure how to get there.