soooo, someone got their "first" tattoo, oooooooh - I'm a bad boy.

.....so far you've been lucky....be warned....I now have a cable modem at home which means if i'm drunk...you'll know.

Thanks to Noah & Nicky for saving me tonight...thank you for turning your head as I cried, and cried, and cried...man did I show who I reallly was tonight...did I let it all come forward, or not ??? BIG FUCKING MESS, not so tough am I? Crying, bawling, liike a little girl over my smashed, my broken, heart...

Today's Horoscope:

LEO

Joshua trees, native to the Mojave Desert, are both hardy and delicate. While they may live as long as ten centuries, their flowers blossom just one night each year and can only be pollinated by the Yucca moth. At this moment, Leo, you remind me of a Joshua tree. Very soon, there will be a brief window of opportunity for you to be psychically fertilized, and you will need a specific agent to do the job. If all conditions are right, a blessed awakening will occur. Even if the beauty that sprouts is visible for just a short time, its effects will last for years.


Ok, screw the ice cubes - I guess someone needs to pollinate me, any takers ?

A quick note of CONGRATULATIONS to everyone's favorite unemployed-blogger on his new job.

I still think you should have taking the Head Trainer position at Hooters but that's just so I could see your fuzzy legs in orange satin shorts.

I'm proud of you babe.

Ok - the heat is really, REALLY getting to me.

I'm just becoming (well maybe becoming makes it sound like the beginning stages - when I'm more "Latent") a real bitch (ok, scratch that 'Dick', I hate calling myself a bitch). I have no patience for anything or anyone lately. You would think after all of the hot, dry, sizzling, burn your hand on a door handle, summers I have had in AZ I would be used to this, but compound it with the restless, easily distracted, constantly horny, chronically masturbating, often cranky, unable to complete any project, hand me the bumper, open me a beer - beaaatch, can't fall asleep, but keep oversleeping, attitude I've got going right now - it seems hotter, my back sweater, my balls itchier...

Any one of you big, handsome, sexy boys got an ice-cube they could rub on my ass ?

" I printed the pictures you wanted. Shit - they were rough to look at. You look so happy nestled in among our friends. You always were remarkably beautiful - the blue of your eyes, your flashy smile - I remember how often people commented on handsome you were , funny sometimes how 'second best' that made me feel, stupid huh? Who could imagine that within one week of those photo's it would be over, the past 3 years of my life shared with you - over. I started thinking how many pictures I had of you - how much you loved to have pictures taken of you - how rare it was for you to ask to take a picture of me. Funny - I should have seen something wrong in that - it should have given me a greater sense of unease. Oops there's that damn sound again - What?? - Oh nothing just my heart ripping in half - weird lil fucker does it a couple times a day - chuckle. So getting ready for your big trip away this weekend, huh ? Sure going alone is a good idea - no one to tell you jokes or carry the conversation, ya know - but I suppose your not looking for a joke-teller or a good conversationalist anymore are you ? Well, I need to stop looking at these photo's now because, well because it just hurts too much. I haven't said 'I love you', I haven't said 'I hate you', I haven't said 'I miss you'...but I do. Happy Birthday. Take care - Me"

A couch as a symbol. Never really thought my life would come to this - placing symbolic importance of the direction of my life and emotional well being on a creature-comfort-purchase from Pottery Barn, but my Charleston Slip-Cover Sofa arrived today.

At 32 years old, I have never owned a couch. I mean I've had couches, but they belonged to my roomate, or boyfriend or were a hand-me-down from a friend, but I've never purchased a couch.

When I lived in Milwaukee - my "pretend" couch was the stuff of legends. In lieu of purchasing a couch for my otherwise cool little apartment by the lake - I used an inflatable mattress with a flannel down sleepy bag and 6 huge green pillows - I mean it was the shit for watching movies with friends and kicking back to (um) enjoy video's of the "release" type...but I always found people kinda looking around my apartment like - uh - interesting - NO couch. You see I felt like if I bought a couch I was striking some permanent deal to stay in Milwaukee, and with my boyfriend (ex) 2000 miles away - I figured I would wait til I knew the next step. So somewhere in my head - the couch - became a symbol for the future of my relationship. So today - with the relationship ended and my heart and soul mending - two NOT sexy delivery men showed up at my door (you so KNOW I was hoping for some street-wise urban punks with hard dicks, sweaty butts and loose morals to deliver my couch AND MORE - but oh well) to bring me my consumer delight. I moved it around, adjusted - readjusted - maladjusted - the pillows, hung pictures above it - took them down - rehung them - set lamps on the right - then the left - Oh, ok back to right - for over and hour (shouldn't I be somewhere ? Oh crap - work!).

So now I'm part of the club - Symbolically Important Couches Klub (S.I.C.K.) and I just have one question to ask :

You wanna sit with me on my couch ?

I vented last night, not a little - A FRIGGING LOT. After a few too many glasses of wine - I climbed on the phone to one of my buddies
and ranted
and raved
and cursed
and spewed
- shredding, dicing, chopping - my Ex.

Today - I just felt plain shitty.

That's just not me - or at least not the me I want(ed) to be. I don't want my "ex" back, I don't. But I want to believe that this past 3 years, wasn't for nought (is that really a word or am I inventing them again ??). Would it kill him to pine for me ? To cry out my name at my window in the middle of the night ? To think that losing me was not acceptable ? To fight for me ? To PROVE to me that he was willing to endure slings and arrows to win me back ? But instead he cried for a few days and moved on - he CAN'T have me in his life now - he'll be back and be my friend when he's ready...ok, ok I know time and distance heal all wounds, but I just lost one of my closest friends, the man I thought I would grow old and feeble with ("come hear BABY, let me GUM ya!"), the person who knows every secret, every worry, every story, every dream. I still NEED him, his hugs, his friendship, his thoughts, his advice, his laugh, his concern. And now it's beginning to make me ANGRY, very, VERY ANGRY. I hate this. I feel this sensation pushing up from my stomach, eclipsing my broken heart and forcing, straining to explode out my head. I grit my teeth, I cap my ears, I shut my eyes and I TRY not to let it out, I DONT want to let it free.

...whats happening to me?

A list (of sorts) of random thoughts on my weekend:

• Dinner with the "X" before I left was a disaster, ending in the much loved dramatic exit of the restaurant, looking - much as we were - like another gay couple having a tif.
  
• I rocked NO one's world in Los Angeles this weekend ('cept Drag Queens, that strange tweaker who LOVED all the scars on the back of my head - "Uh HI it's called being hit in the head with a baseball bat - glad it turns you on!", a "once sexy" leather couple who was - well - more 'leathered' than their leather and people who have been til this point my friends and now that I am single may be inclined to think differently of me *one of them is under consideration*) which embarrassingly I have allowed to cast a deep shadow over my self-esteem.
  
• Let's face it booze is fun (Appletini, BEER) , bars are fun (Abbey, Revolver) - but I really would have had a much better time rolling, bumping and dancing at the Mayan.
  
• A near head-on collision, which gave my best friend Patrick no choice but to ram straight into a parked car was NOT the way I wanted to start Pride in LA.
  
• There were some extraordinary men to look at at Pride, but NO ONE brought a smile to my face MORE than getting to see a fuckin adorable Jason...I also had the luck to meet hotties Bruce and the boyfriend(s) (though I admit I was a little buzzed and all the muscle daddies started to look alike)...where the hell were these guys when I was at Faultline Friday and Saturday night looking for tail. Jason was even kind enough to snap a couple pics so check out his site.
  
• My best friend, is my BEST friend, is my best FRIEND, is my BEST FRIEND.
  
• No sex, NONE, not a hummer, a grope, a rim, a pump, a slam - nothing...and all weekend all I could think about is how bad I want to "make-out" with someone, remember making out, I don't. When the clothes don't even come off and it's still hotter (almost) than most sex.
  
• I haven't seen my baby Chris in almost 2 weeks and I am having withdrawals.
  
• The "X" and I began "dog-custody" last week, alternating 1 week stints from Thursday to Thursday (I know, I KNOW, it sounds moronic - but it will be a very ugly fight to decide who gets full custody otherwise), I am sooooooo missing Baby and hearing rustling around at night. Silence sucks.
  
• The nightmares have begun - strange social scenarios played out in my head involving my Ex and acts of redemption - sleeping with friends to spite me, trying to harm my family, burning every love letter I wrote him, telling me he hates me - bad dreams that leave me waking in tears and feeling lost, sad and confused.
  
• I'm horny - not a little - A LOT, I sport wood watching college guys biking to school, I stare at men like a ravenous dog, I need to get it over with - I need a one night stand.
  
• Getting a bit more than a little stressed about the continous outflow of cash - 1 week countdown to my bonus - but rent and car payment to be paid before then - float little check FLOAT.
  
• I'm just rambling now , aren't I ?

"If I was in the fridge...would you open the door?"
"If I was grass would you mow your lawn?"
"If I was your body would you still wear clothes?"


"If I was a booger would you blow your nose, where would you keep it, would you eat it ??"


"I'm just trying to give myself a reason... to be around"


"If I was a porch swing would you let me hang?"
"If I was a dance floor would you shake your thang?"
"If I was a rubber check would you let me bounce, up and down inside your bank account ?"


"Would you trust me not to break you?"


"I'm just trying really hard to make you... notice me being around."


"If I was a haircut would you wear a hat?"
"If I was a maid could I clean your flat?"
"If I was a carpet would you wipe your feet, in time to save me from mud off the street ?"


"If you liked me, if you loved me, would you get down on your feet and scrub me?"


"I'm a little grubby... from just being around."

Lyrics from "Being Around"/Album: "Come on Feel" by The Lemonheads

So would ya ??

>From: XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
>To: XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
>RE: Subject: How are you doing?
>Date: Thu, 20 Jun 2002 02:19:21 -0700


hey handsome, it is nice to hear from you.

I'm rather embarrassed by my message - I hate for people to see or hear me break down. I've been running around in sort of a state of shock/denial/apathy these past three weeks and the break-up has seemed more like a shadow on a summer day - there, but barely. So odd how it came sweeping up on me last night - in the middle of making my first home cooked meal in my new home, my dog slumbering at my feet, a close buddies CD playing in the background, and BAM! - smacked right in the face by such a deep overwhelming need to breakdown - I fell apart, down to my feet in the middle of my kitchen, my dog trying to lick away the tears that just came one after another, straining to hit the ground faster than the last. I tried to play the tough guy one day to long and my mind had enough and just did a number on me. It was at that moment, pulling myself up off the floor I tried so hard to regain composure and I was just gone for an hour. Then the oddest thing happened, there was a knock at my front door and when I went to it - there was this sweet, little old lady at my door with a plate of fresh strawberries - she was my new neighbor...she said nothing about my appearance, or my puffy eyes - she told me she would have baked for me but it was so hot outside (112 degrees- shit), she gave me the strawberries and treats for my dog and we chatted about the neighborhood and how she had lived there for 35 years and how she hoped I wouldn't go (move away) as quickly as the other neighbors seemed to. It was just such a sweet, unexpected moment - I just felt calmer after it...I just knew I would get through this, I would rebuild the parts that felt broken, my heart would mend, and though I know I'll cry again that it will become easier, less draining each time I just let it happen.

Fucking long story huh ? Sorry - your the first one i've told beyond my best friend Patrick. If you read all that gibberish, thanks...you are a good listener and very sweet and very cute....

Thanks for thinking of me. I don't feel comfortable - with anyone - really going into the "WHY's" of why XXXXXX and I broke up, I think that type of behavior is classless, it doesn't bring back your relationship. XXXXXX and I had almost 3 years, I Love him with every fiber of my being, he's my buddy, I will never betray him and will always be there if he needs me no matter how painful it may be to see him - but for whatever reason I have no doubts that we were meant to end.

As for this weekend. I decided to hit LA, Pride will be nice and distracting and it's my best friend Patricks bday...perhaps you boyz might be down for it ? It would be great to see you'all. As for SD Pride I have to admit I might give it up to XXXXXX, he wants to go so badly and it will be painful for him to have me there.

Anyway I just seem to be going on and on (INSERT HERE: Picture of that damn energizer bunny)

Luv ya - Kurt


>From: XXXXXXXXXXXXXX
>To: XXXXXXXXXXXXX
>Subject: How are you doing?
>Date: Thu, 20 Jun 2002 10:19:21 -0700
>
> Good morning Kurt,
> Sorry I wasn't home when you called. Would have
>enjoyed talking to you. Curt told me that you and XXXXXXX broke up. Sorry to
>hear that things didn't work out. You both seemed so happy together. Maybe
>you can still work things out??? Not sure on the details or what
>happen...but hopefully you to are still friends at least. Or maybe you just
>needed to take a break from each other to appreciate each other more. Again
>not sure what happen but I hope you're both in a good place. Are you still
>coming to stay with us during pride? I heard you might be coming even
>sooner. Curt told me you maybe coming this weekend or next. It would be
>great to see you. Anyway hope all is well with you and if you need someone
>to talk to I'm always available. I've been told I'm a great listener. Take
>care big guy and Hopefully I'll hear from you soon.
> Love,
> James :-)

ok, just booked my tickets for THIS.

It just dawned on me that I have never been in LA as a single guy - ever. Every time I have ever been I've had a boy - this will be either really good for my self-esteem of really rough...all those - we think we're too good for you pretty boys, but thats ok I could really go for a hot Leather Daddy right now anyway - I hate to say it but I just want to fuck someone who in no way reminds me of my ex. Plus the double-treat is that it's my best friend Patricks bday and I'll get to wine and dine him.

Anyone know the scoop on "where to be" this weekend, please share.

...keeping above water today (it's a lot easier to float when there are so many people offering you life preservers - THANKS!)

I'm here today. Comfortable inside my skin. Scared shit-less, but feeling more solid. I started my day strong, with an agenda, and came at it full force.

I see the Ex on Thursday...I'm gonna smile, be sincere and be his friend, he's hurting too and I love him and want him to heal as well.

Be prepared. At the end of all this - I'm gonna be fucking FIERCE.

...it crept in this weekend, somewhere behind my eyes, deep inside my thoughts it burrowed in and took root...a melancholy, a despair, a sadness...I met strangers - told clever jokes let them compliment my arms - I made innuendo's...the bumper to the nose, a tab here and then when the rolling stopped - another to keep that despair - the visitor ) or would it become a resident ? - nestled in it's hole. I repeated the statement again and again : "No Lucky and I seperated a couple of weeks back" "What - well - I really don't feel comfortable discussing why - but we have and we're buddies and I'll always love him " Yes thank you - we really did make a cute couple - guess that's kinda not the point now anymore is it though"

crap - this is just gonna suck isn't it?

...why yes dear I did consider "visitations to places of illicit carnal desire" on my way home last night and I did pull my shiny black car into said parking lots and felt a weird thrill being leered at, lusted after and wanted - until I frigging saw how ugly and freaky the muther-fuckers were cruising me. And then oh you should have seen said pathetic little me tearing through the side streets around Central Ave trying to lose one said creepy muther-fucker who followed me and kept beckoning me to roll down my window.

Ugh - let's just have a welcoming party to welcome me back to 'Single-dom", smash me over the head with a bottle of Colt 45, push me over, push the bottle of poppers in my face - deep SNiiiiiiifFFF - drive/pound/drill/ram/plow/hammer that fucking tool up my tight ass (it's been many months - it's gonna burn - but let's get over with !) and then just shoot your hot, sticky loads upon my strong, unbroken back. Done - good. Now what the fuck am I supposed to do??

Happy Hour at 6pm ... pray for their souls, their gonna need it.

...and yes Donald - I DID scream your name...my keeper of the law and the LAW-LESS.

...the fact that people can be kind doesn't astound me, but when you truly feel it's motivated freely from concern, and not gain, I will admit some shock. Once that shock subsides I feel a very gentle, warm feeling, like when my Mom would muss my hair while the family watched 'Cheers' ...an action that said "Hey you - just checking - your here, your OK - good, good."

Thanks to those who have 'mussed my hair over the past 24 hours', it's means a lot to me.

and because I have neglected to say it before, thanks Chris for being the true shoulder to cry on and bitch to. You really are a wonderful, wonderful friend ( and if you move I'll kick your lilly-white, hairy ass).

Hey, what's up...kinda disappeared on ya didn't I ??

See, I didn't mean to but I'm afraid something very sad has happened - my relationship of almost three years (2 years, 8 1/2 months, but it just gets so old saying that and then people just hear the "Two" part and totally discount the following 8 and 1/2 months) came to an end about a week and half ago.

So I've just been processing - or more likely "going through the motions" and avoiding any contact with the stark reality of what had really happened.

Have you ever done that ?? Made sure you only watched "comedies", listened to "cheerful dance songs" and tried to stay so busy there wasn't time to think.

It's funny though - theres always time to think.

You lay there "alone" (but for some weird reason you still only stay on "your" side of the bed) in the new, supposedly comfortable, but seemingly impossible to sleep on, bed (an unexpected purchase) and no matter how tired you are from moving to your own place and trying to explain (but not "explain" ) to your friends and family what went wrong - when did the happily (how embarrassing how I had told so many friends - soon to be married, or at least engaged) couple stop being 'happy', you don't sleep - you think. Questioning yourself like a B-Rate Movie Actor in a cheesy detective movie questioning a witness from a line-up. Motive? Weapon? Cause of Death?

Since Saturday, my first day in my new house, I kept wanting to fire-up the laptop buried somewhere among the boxes and explain where I've been, tell the story of what happened, where it all took a turn, why at 32 - I now need to learn how to attach the adjective "Single" to the description of who I am again. But instead I bought a couch at Pottery Barn, I began painting what will be my office some fancy-name for Blue by Ralph Lauren, I spent over a thousand dollars at Target buying plates and glasses and linens and pots & pans and ....well, you get the picture. Driving by the house we were having built that had just come to contract and we were to sign on four hours before we broke up. Life runs an odd, jagged path across our heart, through our mind and around our soul sometimes doesn't it ?

So I'm not sure if I'll really lay it out - it seems wrong for some reason - no matter how close I have come to some of my blogger buddies to wring out my heart on this pulsing computer screen, to admit failure, to cry on a keyboard...

...but for those of you who wondered, or worried:

I'm here, I'm around, I'm back.

Not sure why I'm so into my horoscope lately - you ever feel like your looking for the meaning of your life in cereal boxes and soup cans ??

LEO (July 23-Aug 22)

Week of May 30, 2002

Before proceeding any further, please arrange for a bright companion to rub your shoulders while thinking tender thoughts about you. This is no joke. I urge you not to read on until you are feeling well-loved and appreciated. Why? Because it will drive home the point that you are most likely to express your full potential in the coming week if you are steeped in the sympathetic influences of people who see the best in you. Don't just wait around and hope for this to come your way by accident. Get out there and make it happen.

hmmmm...

LEO (July 23-Aug 22)

Week of May 23, 2002

Have you heard of Johannes Jensen, Salvatore Quasimodo, Roger Martin Du Gard, or Frans Eemil Sillanpaa? It's doubtful. I'll tell you what they have in common: They all won the Nobel Prize for Literature, but their books are out of print and hard to find. Let this be your starting point in the coming week as you evaluate what you're truly worth. Here are some other questions to ponder. Do you really need to be acknowledged for your greatness in order to feel successful? Do others' opinions count for more than your own when you measure your value? Are you more eager to gain the approval of so-called "important people" than of the folks whose lives are entwined with yours? Is fame worth squat?


Courtesy of Free Will Astrology

Suffering from Work Attention Defecit Syndrome today......the weather has dipped down into the 80's which is a treat to say the least. Getting ready to take off to San Diego for a friends 40th bash and Memorial Weekend frivolity and tonight even more exciting - going to see Peter Bogdanovich's Cats Meow with the proverbial "Cat's Meow".