bags packed.
cooler stuffed.
workouts done.
party supplies received.

I'm happily speeding my shiny black car towards an epiphany
or two.

it pays to get connected. went to ACME with P. so she could hook up with the sexy bartender T. - he in turn introduced me to the tatto artist who did most of the tat's for Linkin Park...I'll be having a consultation with him next week to take my current tat to "extreme bad boy tat levels"

oh and BTW - I donated my hard-earned moola to these fine people yesterday, did you ?

...and so it begins - or began last night. I began the final round of shopping for white clothes, swimsuits, shorts and anything that would get me laid this weekend in Palm Springs (White Party 2003) - ok I was kidding about the last part - no, you weren't - yes, I was - no, weren't ....uh, nevermind.


...considering how little I worked out during the house guest - I'm looking "ok". Not Titan Media Porn Star "Hot" like I originally hoped and planned, but I still have three more work outs to get in and a couple of outfits that have a little vroooooom


Had dinner and went shopping with BN1 last night - he really is just the greatest guy - literally acted like watching me try on swimsuits and shorts was fun and kept running to get me varying sizes and cuts. This has to put me pretty low on the masculinity scale saying this - but really - a good man is one you can take shopping. end of really gay moment.


BN3 is the first "giver of the card". Drove cross town to leave a card on my door for when I got home from work with lots of sexy and sweet shit written in it. Subsequently he's the one who has been given sleep over status - twice.


Kinda blew of any efforts to pursue anything with BN4 & BN5, it's all getting kinda tricky and draining - if there's meant to be another "bachelor" in the mix it'll work out that way without my effort.


So anyway - no posts after tomorrow. Have a great week and if I'm seeing ya in Palm Springs make sure to say startle me and say "Hi HCL" - you'll freak me out at first, but I'll get used to it

...it's there. somewhere in the back of my mind. usually when I'm at my most tired - not sleepy tired - "run-around" tired. those times when you feel like you've been just running for weeks and weekends on end. dates. dinners. movies. partying. things to do, so much to do. suddenly you catch a glimpse of your reflection in a big store window and when you see yourself - you think "what is he running from?"

but then you know. he's running from you. he's being running from you since the day those words fell from his lips and the door between you was closed. when I'm really tired - like this - it's the only time you get back in. a memory of laughing together at something. of 'pillow talk'. of holding your hand. and for that moment I let go of the hatred and a sadness takes place as I miss you. miss being known by you.

i had my first 'sleep-over' - it wasn't planned or organized - it just kinda went that way. and it was nice and odd at the same time. how perfect to have the first sleep-over not even be in my bed - but me and he in the spare room on an air-matress, while the house guest slept peacefully in my bed. the bed you once shared with me. when i rolled over in to him and pulled him closer - he slept softly. larger, stronger - it seemed odd. he could protect himself. my arms around him were merely comforting. we would misunderstand each others movements, yet then fall in to step - waking, then kissing the others rising back or resting forehead - then falling back asleep.

and when the sun asked not to be ignored and fell more abundantly from around the window shades - he and I woke to each other. and you in that moment weren't there.

...it's never short of um - well something - here these days.

• The funeral was amazing - AMAZING - I only teared up towards the end - but my lovely girls flanking my sides cried all the way thru. Literally the church was full to the hilt of amazing people. 200 - maybe 250. This guy was so loved. M.'s eulogy was the most amazingly human thing I have heard spoken in a long time. Can a person get "funeral envy"?
  
• The house guest and I have been having the craziest fun - how have I managed to dress my self each day when I could have a girl to discuss each selection with me and insist on viewing 20 to 100 choices.
  
• BN1 seems to have found out about BN3. Not sure whats up with the mojo - but last night at Amsterdams - a BN4 and BN5 contestant reered their beautiful heads and seriously, drop-dead sexy bodies. One given a kiss. One given a number.
  
• Looking forward to a little down time after this weekend, but considering I'm in Palm Springs from Friday to Monday - not sure I'll be getting that.

AGENDA:

• Pick up the "El Train" at the airport.
  
• Lunch with the "ladies that lunch" at Arcadia Farms
  
• Maragarita's at Dos Gringos
  
• Boyz at BS
  
• Day-o-Shopping - Kierland, Fashion Square, Biltmore (mental note: MUST buy a frigging bathing suit)
  
• Dinner at AZ88, drinks at Merc - meet up with BN1
  
• Funeral - is my suit clean, what tie?
  
• Memorial Service
  
• Wine at Il Postino
  
• Dinner at Elements at the Sanctuary
  
• Breakfast at Orange Market Grocery
  
• Day-o-Beauty - Spa Day at Phoenician
  
• Dinner at Bar Mouche - meet up with BN2
  
• Sunday (all day) Sedona - rich hippies and soul stuff.
  
• Monday AM (friggin early) - the El Train departs.

...went out with BN3 last night. I gotta admit my heart was racing the entire time, and when he kissed me - in my car - after a very flirtatious and enjoyable dinner - my heart stopped. I'm not saying anything - but I'm saying - I hadn't felt a surge of energy like that since my first kiss with Lucky. I'm feeling lust - bad. I'm not looking to be boyfriends with anyone - put if I'm gonna finally put out - this is where I want to start.

I put the ball in his court - "Ask me out if you'd like to see me again?" - his response:

"May I ask you right now?"

I'm having dinner with him tonight.

maybe I can find time to let go of some of this
...so it is
maybe I can see a way to have more love for myself
...so it is
maybe I can leave this hate behind that's seeping down in to my soul
...so it is
maybe I can love myself alone, more then I could ever need another to do it for me
...so it is
maybe my tomorrows are more beautiful than my yesterdays
...so it is
I just have to agree to let go - breathe - let go - breathe - let go
...so it is

(random thoughts from my raki massage yesterday)

Proof that I don't just live in a tight t-shirt and jeans - the civilized me

  

BN#3 called.

Ok - I lied about there not being a Bachelor #3 - I gave a guy my phone number last night - and I really, really, really want him to call. This one I would have to fight (against myself) tooth and nail not to put out for.

Bachelor #2 is history, so really that's just a manageable two anyway, right?

Sucked it up last night and went out to places that have a high probablity of running into the "X". I didn't and had alot of fun and alot of attention (INSERT HERE: New Meat) to boot. Going to see "Dirty Blonde" at Gammage tonight and then have to start getting ready for my Serbian Mistress houseguest.

Good times to all this weekend.

Ok - I swear (fingers crossed behind back) that I'll stop putting mopey lyrics up.

What Was It Like
(Mary Chapin Carpenter/Gary Burr)

What was it like
How did it feel
It's so hard to tell if it was real
I know I was there but with every day
It slips away
And I feel like a passing glance that you never gave a chance
Baby that's not right
What was it like

What did you say
What did I hear
When did it start to disappear
I know you were there
You know that too
What did we do
'Cause I feel like a big mistake that you managed to not quite make
And just walk away
What did you say

Guess I've waited long enough hoping it might be something
Other than what it was

You took something that felt so good
And crushed it because you could
One summer night
What was it like
What was it like
What was it like

So I was working as a waitress in a cocktail bar - that much is true...
but then I met Donald and that was when, that was when I knew.
Don't you leave me ba-by, don't you leave me o-e-ooooooooooo.

As I stand here in my faded, cut-off ,Jacklyn Smith, daisy dukes and orange sherbet polka-dot (you called them "Poke-My-Dots" to be cute) halter-top cradling our 6 month year old daughter "Jeremiah Sissy Johnson" in my arms (barely covering the needle tracks and bruises) - I beg - NO I PLEAD! - dont you leave me and our baby this way!
I haven't even had a chance to NAIR my legs !!

Could I have done something different - perhaps one of those unusual foreign positions from that Kami Slutra book you kept hidden between the "Sleep-n-Easy" matress ?

Perhaps rubbed your size 12 feet without making those funny faces because of the smell ?

Maybe if I had made more money on the streets for you while you slaved at home coming up with the next revolutionary, entrepreneurial idea for a pyramid scheme actually made out of "pyramids".

Damn, Damn, Damn - I curse this ugly day - I curse it to Arkansas and back.

Anyone got a cig ? Here be a love - hold my baby.

uh - whats up with BLOGGER FTP taking like a GAZILLION minutes to update ??? (oh - hold it - you won't be able to tell me until a gazillion plus one minutes after I posted this - sorry)

Simple Life
(Mary Chapin Carpenter)

You're making lists today of all the things you haven't done yet
You're driving everyone crazy, are you having any fun yet
Mother says you oughta get married
Shrink says here's a little blue pill
Too young for your mid-life crisis
Mirror says you're over the hill

There's nothing wrong with you
The simple life gets complicated
There's nothing you can do, just enjoy the view be glad you made it

You're making resolutions and it isn't even New Year's
You could try a new religion, you could wait until the dust clears
Friends say you're way too choosy
Shrink says see you next week
Guru says control your breathing
You're afraid you might have peaked

There's nothing wrong with you
The simple life gets complicated
There's nothing you can do, just enjoy the view be glad you made it

Cuz things could be better, cuz things could be worse
Cuz life can be charmed and cursed
There's fast, slow and stall, no reverse

There's nothing wrong with you
The simple life gets complicated
There's nothing you can do, just enjoy the view be glad you made it

There's nothing wrong with you
The simple life gets complicated
There's nothing you can do, just enjoy the view be glad you made it

A List of Likelihoods (or "Chances in Hell")

The likelihood that the author of this list is avoiding writing anything of subsequent depth or revelation: 99%

The likelihood that (a) said authors ex-boyfriend reads this said blog - thus (b) inspiring the first bullet point: (a) 65%, (b) 89%

The likelihood that I will feel like being friends with said ex-boyfriend in the coming months: 0%

The likelihood that I will ever be friends with said ex-boyfriend again: 25%

The likelihood that I will have a new boyfriend before the end of 2003: 84%

The likelihood that that boyfriend "will be the one": 18%

The likelihood that having a new boyfriend again in the coming year is a good idea: 26%

The likelihood that having a new boyfriend again in the coming year is a bad idea: Uh, just subtract 100 from the above

The likelihood I will finally have sex this month: 87%, er, uh - Palm Springs - White Party - nuf said.

The likelihood that I will give up booze or drugs in the next three months: 2%

The likelihood that I will give up booze or drugs in the next three years: 82%

The likelihood that we will be out of Irag before Memorial Day: 11%

The likelihood that Jerry Bruckheimer will ever produce a sensitive man's movie: 0%

The likelihood that Paul T Anderson will make at least 4 more: 97%

The likelihood that country music was invented for listening to while drinking or during painful break-ups, but more likely both: 100%

The likelihood that half of my readers have never even given country music a chance and dismissed it's effort entirely: 52%

The likelihood the reason I appreciate country music is because I grew up in Arizona: 67%

The likelihood that this little stream-of-conciousness ramble has lead you to believe I only listen to country music: 76%

The likelihood of me being found listening to country music: 19%

The likelihood of me getting another dog: 100%

The likelihood that will ever heal my heart over losing Baby: 3%

The likelihood of feeling waves of hatred for my ex concurrent to the absence of Baby in my life: 98%

The likelihood of feeling waves of hatred for my ex concurrent with my thoughts of his absence in my life: 52%

The chance in hell that I will stop torturing people with lists: 0%

:: Rollercoaster by EBTG (Album: Amplified Heart) ::

I still haven't got over it even now.
I want to spend huge amounts of time on my own.
I don't want to cause any serious damage.
I want to make sure that I can manage,
because I'm not really in your head,
I'm not really in your head.

And I see love and disaffection
and the clouds build up and won't pass over.
This is my road to my redemption.
And my life is just an image of a rollercoaster anyway.

I still haven't got over it even now.
I want to spend huge amounds of time in my room.
And I'm not coming out until I feel ready,
not running out for a while my heart's unsteady,
and I'm not really in your head.
I'm not really in your head.

When you sky falls to minus zero,
well some things must dissappear.
Oh this is my road to my redemption.


And my life is just an image of a rollercoaster anyway.
The names may have been changed but the faces are the same
The names may have been changed but as people we're not the same.

And I'm not, no I'm not, no I'm not
really in your head.

And my life is just an image of a rollercoaster anyway.
Yeah, my life is just an image of a rollercoaster anyway.