Friday, March 22, 2002
Thursday, March 21, 2002
LEO (July 23-Aug 22)
Week of March 21, 2002
I think you should be removed from civilized society for a while. You've gotten too tame; you've been hypnotized by the conventional wisdom. If I had my way, you'd be temporarily relocated to your very own wild kingdom. Picture a thousand acres of natural beauty where you'd be excused from all the artificial rhythms and soul-sucking customs you have become far too accustomed to. Imagine what it might be like to let the animal within you run around and play. I'm reminded of a phrase by Jungian storyteller Clarissa Pinkola Estes: "homesick for wild knowing." That's what you are, Leo.
Weird - I dreamt the other night I had become "boring". not invisible. not dying. not The King of Spain, but just "boring". In the dream I was in a bathhouse/bookstore type environment (ok - I truly SWEAR my entire life hasn't been some 'Letter to Fag Penthouse' though it may seem that way) and this boy was trying to coax me into a stall where in turn another boy in the adjoining stall - seen through a glory hole - was waving his solid 10 inch cock and trying to get us to both partake. In lieu of my standard uniform of tight-insert clever, ambigiously gay, sexual slogan here- tshirt, snug, worn jeans and heavy - kick some ass - shoes, I was dressed Preppy, very Preppy (think 'Sixteen Candles' - I AM THE KING OF THE GEEKS! thank you very much) and well, I just kept walking. I came back once and peeked and remembered just feeling bored.
And well then the alarm went off and I woke up.
Do you just wake up one day and you've become boring??
Tuesday, March 19, 2002
And then suddenly the man who has kidnapped my husband and has the libido of a 19 year old Morman on his first mission (riding their bikes isn't the only thing they ride on those 2 year trips of spreading Mr. Smith's love - Gods little SUNBEAM my ass - horny little bastards) demanded sex...crap sex on a Monday Night - a MONDAY night for Christ Sake - I felt like I was in a porno - AND I LIKED IT! Thank god I convinced the captain of the rocket ship that this mission was for the good of mankind (considering well - his "attitude" of late), but man the mission was a complete success, NASA called in to congratulate and the alien residing in my boyfriend wants a rematch tonight.
Oh to be young again.
PS - Noah if you friggin bring this post up at the gym in front of said husband - I will never get laid again ! Shhhhhhhhhhh........
PSS - Have I mentioned how much I missed you
Friday, March 15, 2002
Maybe I'm just a sucker, but at several points during the two-hour broadcast I just wanted to cry - especially during any of the interviews with the Lofton Family and their kids.
My mother was an orphan - beyond the proverbial baby in the basket - she "literally" was the baby in the basket (along with a paternal twin sister who she was immediately seperated from and did not meet again til her early 20's) left at the door of an orphanage in Washington state. My mother was a byproduct of the foster care system of the 40s and the 50s, passed from home to home. Some nice, some abusive, some just cold. She a beautiful (literally - this woman was a HOTTIE), talented, intelligent, good-natured and kind young lady was - never adopted, never someones daughter, someones sister - she was denied that love and I can still see to this day - in her words and her actions - how it haunts her.
When representative Ball from Florida spoke - it was not only infuriating, not only ridiculous, but absolutely depressing. This man doesn't strike me as stupid, that's the depressing part (I have always naively believed that intelligent people are able to see the Right Wing Bullshit Rhetoric for what it is - HATE) - but foolish - so mired down in conservative, black-and-white, rules are rules, let me use religion as my crutch for having no real opinions of my own. Even conceding that what the Lofton's had done was "commendable", but still wanting to wash those actions clean for the sake of his rules and his horrifyingly stereotypical description of what a Mother & Father are like and represent that would have sent any Woman Rights follower looking for a gun.
I am NOT a role model for gays. Yes I have a great job, I'm funny, I'm educated, play well with others, fall into that so-called and poorly described "straight-acting" category...but lets face it, I hit the GENRE statistic - I've slept around, I use drugs for recreation, I attend circuit parties, I've played in the bath houses and the bookstores - this does not change the fact that I still think I'm a HELLUVA guy to know - but I'm no role model.
I want kids, but NOT yet, I spent my early years a very serious young man trying to be a gay man my family and friends would be proud of, then I traveled and learned about life outside the US, then I went to college late, and now SLOWLY I am settling down. I have found the man I want to spend the rest of my life with, we have gotten a dog, we are looking for a home to call OURS.
But as of right now - I AM THE TYPE OF FAG THAT THE CHRISTIAN COALITION IS AFRAID WILL BUTTFUCK THEIR SONS STRAIGHT TO HELL.
But there are so many of you out there who aren't - I think of Aaron and of Beau. These guys seem like they would make AMAZING fathers.
And you know one day I'll leave my selfish phase and I'll want to hear that pitter-patter of a little boy or girl, to teach them how to draw, make up songs, play in the grass, get dirty...
and I just want to know that when I get there...
that I can.
Wednesday, March 13, 2002
Tuesday, March 12, 2002
I have arrived....
I am a flutter...
I AM ON HIS FAVORITES LIST
FURRY PORN
Now one would normally think that this would be an immediate link to, well, you know who...but it just left me thinking how many other possible - alternative - sites it could pull up, suddenly I'm picturing naked bunnies, smoking cigs, wearing harnesses - seductively daring you to "Fuck Like A Rabbit", Overstuffed Teddy Bears forced into unnatural positions against the better grace of God, FAO Schwartz and natural fiber and worst of all - Ziefried & Roy wearing diamond studded-cock rings, purring and lisping sexual innuendo to a frightened, caged cheetah while prancing around in white, mink coats.
...I guess I now know why my mother also said an overactive imagination is a very bad thing indeed.
Friday, March 08, 2002
Thursday, March 07, 2002
Wednesday, March 06, 2002
"Celebrate your special contributions rather than be ashamed of them. What you hold in your hand is really quite special, and shows a side of you that reveals not only your taste, but your complexity. Quit thinking that you don't deserve the joy that is coming your way. The more willing you are to appreciate your uniqueness, the more you can appreciate others. "
Not sure why I find this soooo funny, but I read it after my last post and well, it kinda rubbed me the right way - no pun intended (well - I mean - not completely).
sometimes, the WORLD OF THE BLOG (sounds so ominious - like the idea of Jerry Springer doing a nude scene) is just distracting. Like an itch I promise myself I'm just gonna scratch briefly and then every few seconds I'm scratching at it til I can't remember where the particular itch began and the scratching ended...I used to be this way about jerking off - yes Choire, many, many kittens have died at my proverbial hands - I would be languishing around bored - or home from a drunken night on the town - and I would pop-in a Falcon/Colt/HotHouse/Buckshot porn and start choking Mr. Happy. The itch that just couldn't be scratched enough. I would crawl into bed, or go about my errands, or whatever fit the scenario and then maybe 10 minutes, maybe and hour, I would be yanking my pants down and massaging my member again - lube in one hand, poppers in the other (oh how RETRO!) ...
besides the fact I'm a deviant - why am I writing about this ? because I haven't been feeling the itch much for a couple of months now - almost could care less - and it's spreading .... am I denying the existance of a massive depression hiding inside my button-fly 501's, did I turn some weird sexual corner and not even notice, would I rather have a bumper up my nose and float in the clouds ? a couple of months ago I was "SUPER-CHARGED" - the Energizer Bunny wrote me fan letters, GM wanted to stick me inside their engine (actually that sounds kinda sexy) and my boyfriend never looked at me funny.
The Rocket still lifts off strong and solid, still can shoot to the stars and beyond - but suddenly the pilot just doesn't even feel like flipping on the controls, hitting the propolsion and venturing out in to outer space...
What gives Super Friends ???
Sunday, March 03, 2002
The world axis now tilts towards Swiss Cheese.
Probably the most easily, enjoyable part of my weekend actually was hanging with you - buddy.
BTW - check out Scott at Sardonic-Bomb...you gotta love a guy who has a site section titled "PIGGY".
Friday, March 01, 2002
uh ....not sure how this cutie showed up on my referral log - but I think I might have a bit of a crush on him ;)
Don't worry boyfriend - your safe - he'll just think (at 32) that I'm a dirty old man *grins*
embarrasingly nice web design and an easy face to look at - all of 19 - oh to be that young again.
Psssssst - I can buy ya beer (wink-wink, nudge-nudge)....
....my last blog really set some peoples fires.
....I'm afraid this ONE must be lying dead in a ditch or something (wearing a sundress no less) since he no showed Roscoes for beer.
....felt pretty good about the fact that hitting the gym 6 days a week for the past 3 weeks was showing last night, my size SMALL "Peterbilt" shirt received many favorable remarks
....actually had someone (recollectively) refer to me (in my youth) as such a serious and introspective looking young man (does that just mean "unapproachable")
....dinner party tonight and I'm really just feeling blue and blah and just want to cuddle my dog (and pet the kitty)
....it's Friday and I'm itching to get the heck out of here and it's, well, only 9:26am
Wednesday, February 27, 2002
While Lucky's parents have finally met me (July), and seem to approve of me, I am invited to "nothing" - not Christmas, not Thanksgiving, not Birthdays and well, not, Christenings.
I think family and friends spend so much time in the first few years of a loved one coming out (Lucky, I mean) selfishly wondering how "THEY" are coping with it, they lose all sense of common decency and etiquette.
I have been with my boyfriend for almost 2.5 years, we have lived together going on 9 months, we are buying a house together, I am spending the rest of my life with him - but somewhere, somehow society has deemed it ok, loved ones of the man I love have deemed it ok and even strangers to us both have deemed it ok - that how "I" feel doesn't really matter much, what "I" want is acceptable as long as not spoken and surely what "I" need isn't important enough to ruffle a few feathers.
Really this isn't directly anyones "fault", but it's just a damn shame....
I really would make a wonderful Son-In-Law.
Friday, February 22, 2002
The question "What are YOU going to be when you grow up?" was never lost on me, never silent, a combination of aspiration, enthusiasm and Torrets would come spewing forth with answers like the following:
Age 4-6: Fireman - well now I just want to sleep with one and wear the uniforms.
Age 7-10: Superhero - of course my super powers were "super human strength" and "x-ray vision"...sigh, I still want to be a Superhero - of course at 32 I feel a little uncomfortable wearing tights.
Age 11-12: World Renowned Chef - the problem is I only "really" enjoyed making party platters and hor-deurves, damned to be a "Hostess"
Age 13-15: Wall Street Stock Broker - I had way too much time on my hands envisioning myself as the real "Alex P. Keaton"
Age 16-19: Free-Lance Journalist covering World Events - I was going to cover the world as it changed and evolved, thus helping others to change and evolve.
Age 20-32: Businessman - I just wanted to be able to pay back my student loans.
Present: A happy, productive, caring, generous human.
I bring all this up now because I spent the last few years of high school and first two years of community college wanting nothing more than to be a journalist - what I saw as a combination of gung-ho hero, altruist, rebel, scholar, peacekeeper and enlightened soul. Night after night my mother would cut out articles about journalists being kidnapped, tortured and murdered - "this will be your fate" she would worriedly exclaim. But If you can remember how strongly you felt things (the things you truly first BELIEVED in those early years of adulthood) - you'll understand why I so wanted to pursue that dream despite my parents wishes, and then how last night the tears welled up in the corners of my eyes when I heard they had slit Daniel Pearls throat.
No "cause" is better than another "cause"
No"religion" is more justified in it's barbaric actions than another "religion" - barbaric actions are just that BARBARIC.
If "there's" is the "WRONG/EVIL" side and "yours" is the "RIGHT/GOOD" side, than easily when you stand in "their" shoes it's just the exact opposite
Let's face it - murder is murder - truth like that is simple.
Thursday, February 21, 2002
Suddenly the next big holidays are Easter, Memorial Day, July 4th (the first two relative to circuit parties - White Party & IML and the last my loving boyfriends birthday)....but I mean "Hey SLOW DOWN already!".....
I thought it was just yesterday I was packing up 30 years of my life to move away to pursue the pinnacle of my professional success in Milwaukee, NOPE, yesterday turned out to be a gut-wrenching (but short lived break-up with the love of my life as a 2000 mile distance crushed our resolve), OOPS, NO AGAIN, yesterday was one of the most special conversations of my life where Lucky & I realized we could only possibly envision growing old with each other, OR - HOLD IT! - NO, yesterday was the sad, downward-spiralling of my life as I was laid off from a job for the first time in my life and I moved 2000 miles across the country (leaving so many new and absolutely wonderful friends behind) to move in with my boyfriend.....but, NO, as of TODAY, Yesterday has changed AGAIN, and seems to keep changing at a dizzying speed.
Guess it just makes me wonder what TOMORROW is going to be all about ?
Just a slightly beefcake-ish shot in case my boyfriend is reading while he's 3000 miles away.