uh - if John Rutherford is stepping down - I can think of no other who would rock that job then me...

What's in a Number ?

17 - grams of sugar in a Starbucks "Doubeshot Espresso with Cream"

12 - grams of "kitty" that I have purchased and partaken of since the break-up with Lucky.

1 - number of times I have "taken care of business" since I awoke.

3 - number of times I will have "taken care of business" before I go to sleep.

33 - current waist line, also easily confused with 31, 32 and 34 depending on the cut and maker of jeans

22 - pair of jeans I currently own and wear on a regular basis.

2 - number of times I have been in love in my life.

0 - number of times I intend to have my heart broken in the future - yeah right, uh ?

384,271 - Gross Profit Dollars to date for Q1

5 - percent multiplier of above number to determine my quarterly bonus.

8 - number of times I have watched "Donnie Darko"

12 - number of times I have watched "Urbania"

2 - number of people who keep regular office hours in my office.

1 - number of people who keep regular office hours in my office besides myself.

63,039 - number of unique visitors to this site since inception on May 14th, 2001

1,210 - average number of unique visitors to this site in a week

5 - number of bloggers I know I would have sex with if circumstances were right.

59 - number of bloggers I link to

58 - number of blogger who just went "uh - is he talking about me" (I left out Jennie - she's a Diva/Goddess - but I really know I'd barking up the wrong tree)

10 - number of bloggers I link to that I have met.

1 - number of times I've spent a night in jail.

4 - number of bar fights I have been in

6 - years old, age I realized I was gay after having a dream of a handsome fireman rescuing me from a fire - where my family perished - then taking me away with him.

210 - theoretically the number of men I have slept with if you assume 10 a year for 21 years (since I first started having sex)

12 - men have topped me in those 21 years.

2 - number of times I've been fucked by my ex (or anyone for that matter) in the past year and half.

3 - months, since I last had full on sex.

1 - number of times I have been mistaken for an armed bank robber and that police have surrounded the resturant I was dining in.

2 - number of people I call "best friend"

3 - number of people involved in an ideal sexual situation.

14 - number of three-ways I have had.

1 - number of times I had a three-way with my ex.

1 - number of times I have had a three-way involving my partner.

40,232 - number of miles on my 2000 BMW 3 series.

98,114 - number of miles on my 1990 Isuzu Pick-up before she died in 97.

4 - number of boyfriends that have cheated on me.

1 - number of boyfriends that I have caught in the act.

2 - number of boyfriends that I have cheated on.

18,000 - dollars, annual salary of first job out of college as a sales rep.

26 - number of American men in the military that have died in the Iraq conflict/war. (number may be off)

4 - number of periodicals I subscribed to (Business Week, GQ, Architectural Digest and Mens Health)

72 - age of the owner of my company.

3 - average amount of times he asks me the same question on the same day.

2,316,856.60 - current dollars in Accounts Receivable that I manage for his company.

33 - age of Bachelor #2

35 - age of Bachelor #1

33 - my age

44 - number of items on this list before I decided I better get my ass back to work.

..it's weird in what ways a man can affect me. How often intelligence or humor has turned me on over a big dick or a sweet ass (though I still really, really like both). Bachelor #1 spoke so eloquently, so efficiently and with such historical foundation on his views about american involvement in foreign countries in their effort to "spread" democracy - that I wanted to hump him then and there. We had intelligent conversation, then we had intellectual converation and finally, we had a candid conversation. He admitted he felt he was "aware" that sex hadn't happened yet. I assured him that it was restraint, not repulsion. I reminded him that I offer NO promises, NO future, but that I truly enjoy when his hands find their place holding mine in the movie theater, or the goodnight kiss, or the shared laugh over something inanely stupid.

So how do I go from this - to tomorrow's date - letting another charm me...all the while stealing moments of hatred for my ex in the back of my mind ?

...going to the movies with Bachelor # 1 tonight. I wonder if there is a discreet litmus test to see how deep he is - repeat after me "I really, really don't want anyone to get hurt".

Bachelor # 2 doesn't seem to think I blew it - I think he just doesn't get me, soooo he's trying to play it really cool now. He called, I called back - we made tenative plans for tomorrow night - whatever, if he wants to hang, cool.

I don't want a Bachelor # 3, I want to get laid - no strings. Last night during a great pump at the gym - I ran into a hottie I used to date right before Lucky. We had a long talk about both of us feeling really burned by our last relationships and how we really just wanted some good uncommited sex. Now right when I got back with Lucky - after the summer break - this hottie had made it known how badly he felt that he hadn't made it know that he wanted to get with me - little does he know, during the 10-15 minutes we talked I just kept thinking "Ask me to go home with you right now, and I more than gladly will".

My work days are flying by and my new diet - less carbs, less sugar, less caffine is kinda leaving me drained. I feel good about the body though - my tummy could be tighter - but I feel pretty sexy. Now if I can just get over the anxiety of the first guy seeing me naked. Starting to mull over a trip to Chi-Town for IML over Memorial weekend. Considering I have Palm Springs/ White Party in April, San Diego Pride in June and 4th of July in Ptown - a trip a month might be a little draining.

Maybe it's all actually a little draining - but I need to keep busy. The moments I'm alone feel so "alone". Normally it's ok - I enjoy my own company, but the other times when the house is quiet and there is no dog and I ask a question to the empty chair next to me about something on tv - I hear my question fall like a rock - unanswered by the stagnant air.

:: an anomalous list of thoughts by an anomalous guy ::

• The "oh-fucking-shit-I'm-fucking-single-and-I-fucking-miss-my-dog-blues" crashed through my front door on Sunday and I was not a pretty site.
  
• Shame because I had a blast playfully flirting with the self-proclaimed cock-tease and a much milder and subdued Sam
  
• The gay scene in Tucson could make "anyone" appreciate sex with livestock.
  
• Screw April Fools Day - it's quarterly bonus time - cough - the fucker -up.
  
• I think I blew it with Bachelor #2 - I'm just not ready to start having sleep overs no matter how hot you are.
  
• I've fallen in a mire I hoped to never see, clumsy, muddy, uncontrollable thoughts of hatred aimed at my ex.
  
• My house lost half it's life and all it's love when Baby scampered out that door, her food and water bowl still sit on my kitchen floor - I can't bring myself to put them away. Someone suggested to me lately that this aspect of my life has the perfect makings for a country song.
  
• When I told the guy at the house party on Saturday how much I appreciated the chance to play with their 6 week-old Yellow Lab puppy - I don't think he could have ever imagined how real I was being, shame.
  
• I've become heavily "naked" anxious - and amazingly stressed out about the first time I stand naked in the bedroom in front of another man.
  
• Charlies back - I find that oddly reassuring.
  
• I'm debating the beard for White Party next month.
  
• Thank GOD - Swish let me know he was alive, I was getting sick of hanging out in public restrooms looking for him.
  
• I'm really worried that Bachelor # 1 may be getting serious.
  
• I actually really, really like Nicole Kidman - but babe "are you trying to look like a cat or what?"
  
• I finally updated links and such, please send your obligatory thank you's in the form of a haiku.
  
• My unending crush on Jake Gyllenhaal seems to keep getting worse and worse - hit me.
  
• Engaging me in a professional work place to discuss my political and ethical viewpoint on the war with Iraq is about as smart as - well shit it's not, it's just fucking rude and stupid.
  
• Every time an episode of "Six Feet Under" ends I think - oh shit - now Mom and Dad are gonna ask me what a P.A. is next time I see them.
  
• I deleting the amazingly dark entry I wrote yesterday - which made me start thinking that we should have a collective site that we all share where we anonymously post the blog entries we think are too much for everyone else to handle.
  
• I'm over my list already.

i was gonnna post this big drunken blog about dinner at a completely straight-factory of healthy but delicious patsta, folllowed by drinks with bitches with power tits at MERC Bar - followed up by an evening of lesbo loving at ANBB - but crap - this boys got to rest up to terrorize TUCSON tommorrow

Can guys take "Midol" ???

Can guys take Midol to save there pounding head from a hang-over ??

If I married you, would you sit around in a sexy wife beater and knock me up (and around) ??

How many men are you allowed to go on a date with in one respective period before your nicknamed "Smurfette" (friggin bitch was getting it coming and going) ??

How come I haven't put out yet ???

Why can't I get the boy with the CS (uh - you'll figure out what it stands for) lips out of my head - and why does he know he's in my head when I try not to show it ??

And where the fuck have you been ??? Standing at urinal again ? (psst I'm acting tough, but I miss ya baby - let's have breakfast/coffee tomorrow)

How much more BBC, NPR, CNN can I take before I just want to act like it's not really going on ??

Another date/hang out/thingie with Bachelor #1 tonight - this will be the 5th, this time he's made reservations - that sounds so serious I want to giggle. Bachelor #2 actually asked me what I was passionate about last night and actually wanted to know the answer - uh, I'm not used to guy actually giving a damn about what "I" think.

Please make my head stop hurting.

Oh and apologies to Mr. Sunshine and Mr Lord of Darkness (kidding) for taking so long to update your moves on my links - I'm still reading you - I'm just frigging lazy - it's all the masturbation and booze. And I have some new lads I want to add - namely you and you and we'll just see how long I take to get around to that.

I want a horoscope like this EVERY day :

LEO

In his book Animals and Psychedelics, ethnobotanist Giorgio Samorini proves that many animals deliberately alter their consciousness. His evidence includes robins that get drunk on holly berries and act "like winged clowns," as well as goats that are dependent on caffeine and reindeer that seek out hallucinogenic mushrooms. Samorini concludes that the desire to get high is a natural drive. He suggests that intoxication has served as an evolutionary force for some species, breaking down outworn habits in such a way as to improve long-term survival. All this is prelude to my advice for you, Leo: You now have a cosmic mandate to shed your shticks and expand your awareness. Since you're not just an animal, but also an ingenious human, you don't have to resort to drugs and alcohol to do it. But you should do it.


courtesy of Free Will Astrology

Oh and BTW - Cutie Number One and Co-hort Cutie Number Two - be warned - like a swarm of locusts I will descend on Tucson this Saturday and Saturday Night for street festival. I will be rebel-rousing, grabbing asses, drinking heavily, cursing frequently, and mentioning as many times as it takes how horny I am - to get the job done. Please lock up your friends and neighbors - or just hand the cute ones over to me and no one gets hurt.

Hooray for the Lambs

This post is in complete celebration of the most "fantasical" and "dangerous" of all the animals in the animal kingdom.

WHAT ???? You don't believe me.

Well let me explain - while some people think that lambs are indigineous to only the grand state of Texas, it has become quite evident to me that they have agressively migrated to all the interlocking states and even beyond (Hawaii - keep a look out baby!). Many people misinterpret the lambs great contribution to society. Let me point out in recent weeks some of the many great contibutions lambs have done for the greater good of the US of Aaaaaaaaaaaa.

Get them Dixie Chicks ! And you thought the match up between a lamb and a chick could only happen at the county fair - oh mon frere (oops - no french, no french ! ) , that traitor-ess Natalie and her big head - what has she done. Lambs see her for what she is "a commie" - all 3 feet, 4 inches of her ! Sure she seemed like maybe she was just bright enough when beyond the brain-washing Pro-American sentiment of our news/marketing/publicity machines to see that the rest of the world thinks that maybe good ole George Bush is just a bit of a international, diplomatic-retard, red-neck bully - but the lambs saw right through that - growl with me - she's a traitor. I mean really - a girl band whose actually willing to look the way the want, sing the music from their roots and work outside the normal conventions of a record label - they wreak of traitor. And - I know, I know - her comment ( and shame ) was directly aimed at Bush - but the lambs saw right threw that to - she disrespected every member of our armed forces and the entire United States - unlike George who totally respects their right to die in a hostile nation in an unsanctioned war against - gasp! - A Dictator.

Get that One Dictator Whew ! The lambs are right - thank god there's only one - yep, only one dictator in the whole wide world who might have weapons of mass destruction pointed at out proverbial head - Mr. Jung will you please sit down we're talking politics here - yes sir - kill this one and we're all done. The lambs know that the stork brings the dictator and plops him down in middle eastern country once every few decades - thank goodness our government never ever knew a thing about this man and his surprising rise to power.

They All Look Alike I've been wasting so much time during this to understand the political, religious and ethnic differences of the multicultural players of this international chess game. The Lambs know how to make it so much easier - they all look alike! Iraqi's, Iranians, Arabs, Israeli's, Syrians - they all look alike. It just makes it so much easier to dismiss centuries upon centuries of existance - and you have alot more time to watch 'American Idol'. Plus it's a sure hit to draw the line between each and every one of them. It's like "Liberty Sheild Connect-the-Dots", since they ALL look alike they ALL must plan their terrorist activities together ! Cuz I still remember learning in Ms Hadley's 7th grade home room that whenever you want to keep a secret ( or plan covert, international terrorist activities ) it's a lot easier by involving and telling as many of your classmates as possible.

Hate the French Never forget - if their not with us, their against us - if their against us - boycott the common household use of the name of anything that reminds you have them. Whew - can those lambs make a stand or not. I learned about this one while sitting next to a lovely couple from Grand Rapids, Michigan at the Cirque du Soleil show. They had matching beret's - it was really quite darling to see a lamb in a beret.

So I just keep trying to remember what the lambs honorary motto is :

Let's see I know it goes - "Lamb's to a ____________ "

Uh, "Bath House", naaaaa
maybe "Circuit Party" ???
I know - I know....
Slaughter.

Now where did I put my "Autour De Lucie" CD's and orange duct tape ?

I can't even begin to think how the four words; Blitzkreig, George Bush and Diplomacy will be strung together in history text books ten years from now.

...I lost the coin toss.

The small, dingy quarter made of copper-nickel, flipped up in the air - careless and unaware of what it's outcome could mean to me:

joy or heartbreak.

It had come to this, two bickering exboyfriends trying to decide the fate and ownership of their mutally much loved dog. I shouldn't have risked it, I should have taken her and let it go to court, I should of hit him - broken every bone in his arrogant, pompous, spoiled brat little body. But I wanted to be fair, he wouldn't give her up. So as the words heated and the hurts laid open in both our eyes. I flipped a coin.

Have you ever really looked at a quarter ?

The "Heads" side, the silhouette of George Washington, with seven capitalized words above his head: " L I B E R T Y". Would we find freedom after this ? Would I have my liberty ? This coin was minted in 1985. What was important to me in 1985? I was about to start my sophomore year of high school - so probably boys, punk music, getting stoned and getting a drivers license. Did I ever think that one day I would be standing in the middle of my living room on an overcast March day flipping a coin to decide the fate of the dog I had raised from a puppy with my ex. The "Tails" side features the bold eagle, the name of our country and the words that I'm sorry I just can't believe in: IN GOD WE TRUST. I'm gonna get slammed for saying that - sorry, we all feel differently about things and I don't trust what I don't believe in.

He chose "Heads", my mind raced a little trying to remember the odd's of "Tails" - was it ever really a 50/50 chance for me ? I looked down at her - all excited to see me, her brown eyes embracing me, tail wagging feverishly. I leaned into her and kissed the tip of her cold, wet black nose. She kissed me back quickly, loving her Daddy. Who would wake me in the morning at 7am? Who would cuddle close, sharing my pillows in the dark? How would I ever go to the dog park with any dog but this ?

The coin hit the ground - and my heart hit the floor. I had lost. I had lost Baby forever. As he shook my hand I mumbled how I would send him all the paperwork for the pet insurance and dog license, I stared numbly into his eyes - and below the surface, behind my eyes - in the backroom of my mind - I was screaming. I HATE YOU, YOU FUCKING BASTARD. I didn't say goodbye to her, he whisked her out the door. At the door we both mumbled how we hadn't wanted it to come to this I assured him he would give her a wonderful home. The voice from the backroom kept screaming, incessantly bellowing: I FUCKING HATE YOU. I softly asked him to "just go away and let me move on with my life" and shut the heavy, black metal security door. I walked back inside and sat in front of the tv and cried.

March 14, 2003

You have to stay active. You'd probably lose your mind if you sat still for too long. Whether or not there's business afoot, you'll probably pursue pleasure instead. In fact, with the Stars encouraging fun, it will be a component of whatever you do. You are, after all, the Lion, sleek and vibrant, always in search of your prey. Maybe that means you're at the top of your game. If you really want this adventure to heat up, bring along your mate. And if this is about finding companionship, you'll end up with someone beyond your wildest dreams.

Hmmmm....see, my horoscope says I "should" be going out every night ( *grins* )

I swear I didn't write it myself.

The longer version of below

Hope. Anxiety. Despair. Anger. Frustration. Hate. Joy. Elation. Desire. Lust. Fear.

I’m Reeling. Oscillating. Wavering. Floundering. Dancing. Flying. Bouncing.

Seconds. Minutes. Hours. Days. Never the same, seemingly unique to each other – emotions and feelings with twisting DNA, changing form, texture, meaning and substance.

I keep throwing myself into anything. Dates. Parties. Dancing. Drinking.

I want to Fuck. Flirt. Kiss. Rim. Caress. Pound. Hold. Soothe. Excite. Cuddle.

I Breathe. I Cry. I Scream. I Laugh. I Dream.

I Fall Down. I Stand Back Up.

I’m burning.

Can you see the flickering of my flame ?

Hear me ramble about absolutely-fucking-nothing

So I should try and string together a full paragraph and astound you with my literary prowness, but instead I'll just make a grammitically-appaling, bullet point list of my meandering thoughts:

I'm at peace with this break-up, it was the right thing, at the right time.

Running into Lucky (literally) on the dance floor at the Black Party at the Ice House was unnerving to say the least.

Made more unnerving by the fact that N. convinced me to do Shrooms for the first time (there really fun he said) - Bullshit. I was a wreck.

Plus I was a wreck in full 'leather daddy' gear - Trooper hat, harness, cuff restraints, arm bands, military pants - Lucky didnt even know who I was at first.

I have gone out every night since last Monday. Every night has been way beyond normal. There's such a surreal vibe good and bad to what is happening.

We only went as a group this weekend. Shopping for our leather for Saturday night. To go dancing. To sunday beer bust. Everyone coming to my house for beers before we went out - it was nice.

I have this drawer in my kitchen where I've started dumping the phone numbers I'm getting, I find myself paralyzed when I go to call a new guy - what do I tell him? How do I warn him not to get in over his head with me? Is it ok to want him, to fuck him, to hold him - if I don't want a future with him?

I tried a one night stand on Thursday - he was a complete out-of-towner coming all the way from New Zealand - it was sloppy and drunken and completely sucked. We did next to nothing but he spent about 2 hours trying to get his hands, fingers and dick up my ass. Why do people take "tops" home thinking their gonna go "ok - sure". Dumb Ass. I managed to kick him out, but had to drive him back to where he was staying - I got to work on one hour of sleep and still had the whole weekend of partying to go.

They were handing out cards at the party on Saturday warning about a syphillis outbreak in Phoenix. Great - just dandy.

I'm going out to dinner with a really nice guy tonight, handsome, sexy, built, smart, educated - and I'm pounding my head against the wall wondering if this is completely insane. Do I tell him before or after dinner that this can go nowhere. That I'll go to my bedroom with him but can't date him.

I have another guy - hot swarthy muther-fucker I have lusted for for a long, long time who asked me to go home with him last night - I wanted to - god I wanted to but I chickened out.

Then there the friends - those guys who start making thoughts and feeling known. That get me all nervous and wondering will anyone just be there for me - be my friend.

I had the one unfortunate instance with a friend whose a porn star who I adore and recognize as incredibly hot who became visibly angry with me and stormed off on Saturday night after explaining that his boyfriend had given him permission to have one hot night of no hassle hot dirty sex with me - meanwhile the shrooms are making the whole wall behind him do crazy messed up shit - and he takes my "I really can't talk about this right now" and lack of erection when he shoves his hand down my pants - as a turn down.

I'm jacking off constantly, 3-5 times a day - it's the only time I feel in control, peaceful and unthreatened.

The whole bullshit deal with the trial is over.

I worry about my ex reading this site.

I worry about hurting someone in all of this dating shit.

I worry I have no idea what I'm doing.

I worry that I'm gonna pick up an STD if I sleep with any of these guys.

I worry that I haven't cried yet. I worry that Lucky has. I know when we looked at each other on Saturday and dance within feet of each other - that we were trying to read each others minds. You could feel it though - it was over. Complete, resolute, permanently over.

....so I shouldn't have been shocked by my ex's erratic behavior over the past two days - he's doing what he does best - childish and selfish behavior. What I hoped to be a clean break is now going to be stretched out over weeks due to his inextricable inability to let go in a normal and realistic fashion.

So how much does it cost to have your locks changed ?