5 Truths and 1 Lie : Revisited

• I once dated a US Olympic Speed Skating Coach. His legs and ass are still among the most amazing I've ever seen.
  
• Two of the guys I have dated have ended up in multiple porns and 1 in Playgirl.
  
• I was taught how to make a martini when I was 6.
  
• I am an agnostic.
  
• I have dent in my head from when I was struck in the head with a baseball bat when I was two.
  
• Even though I managed a 4.0 in every class I took in college, I flunked Calculus three times, getting me so worked up that I would either cry or vomit before exams - because I just couldn't get it.
  

...so this may seem shocking and I'm not giving any details yet, but I went on my first date last night - a simple dinner at a good restaurant - an incredibly deep and intellectual conversation and then a drink a Merc - afterwards. No sex, I didn't promise a second, it wasn't hell, I didn't open a wound a the wrist.

That's all I'm saying.

and by the way Chicago-area Bloggers be warned - I just confirmed my flights for 'Market Days' and my big 33rd Bday.....1 week and counting til I start having cheap, 1 night stand sex again...woo-hoo.

Advice 101 : A good buddy, one who has always been a touch stone in my life - told me today that his distance over the past few months is because he found out he tested positive. What is the ettiquite of the reaction to the statement ?? I didnt and dont know. I wanted to cry. But I just let him talk til he seemed like he didn't need to talk anymore. Then I just said "Hey - I love you". And then he turned the subject to my break-up and we moved on, but I feel like I fumbled the ball somehow - there was something missing in my reaction...but what?

...do you ever go to "expose" yourself to one of your friends or a new "interest" - I mean heart/soul/intellect here gutter-minded boyz (you know who you are *smirk*), and you fumble and stumble and tumble...and then your just kinda staring each other and there's this painful stabbing sensation in your head that says:

"I'm pretty sure by my explanation that this person thinks that I am a Satanist, masturbate to swedish kiddie porn, have had sex with livestock, yarn and the Ziegfried Follies and run naked covered in yams at midnight to find myself"

...uh, this was not the "self" I was hoping to expose.

Maybe I just sound better on paper.

ok - is it me, or my computer, but everytime I post lately I get "one chance" spell-checking, grammar be damned - every time I use the Blogger 'Edit' function and correct typographical errors the screen goes blank - anyone elses having this problem ?

I've become waaaaaaaaaay too much of a movie addict lately, but with the combination of a 65 inch TV (Yes, sometimes, size does matter) and the 6.1 surround sound I just can't get enough of my little "Movie Mayhem" get-away nights lately....though I admit I really need to lay off the kitty vision - I'm starting to lose touch with reality and my dog is looking at me funny, or maybe I'm starting to look funny and the dog is losing touch with reality - whatever ? But in all of the movies I have digested this weekend and weeknights I can't tell you how blown away I was by The Devils Backbone by Gullerimo Del Toro y Pedro Almodovar....storytelling at it's best for sure. And I love a good ghost story to boot (and I didnt mind the hot sexy latin bad guy either)....I also rewatched and re-fell-in-love-with "The Ice Storm" by Ang Lee (really cant get how one goes from this haunting and amazing look at the complexities of life, growing up, becoming and staying sexual to the 'The Hulk' but oh well - god knows I'm pretty scattered!)...I cried and cried and cried after wtaching this one, took a good half-hour of cuddling with my dog and then of course the whole LOVE BOMB experience the next day, to get over it.

To those who bombed me you know who you are....the feeling is more then mutual...and as for YOU, well I'll pondering the way to bring this love back to you as well...

....Damn, I gave new meaning to the lyrics of the old Lyold Cole ong "Lost Weekend"....fianlly went to bed arouns 2pm today - cat napped til six and then made soup. (It's good for the soul)....I was the offensive party boy this weeekend Connie, Kitty, Elaine, Valium.....enough numbing to pull off my shirt and shake my ass to the groovy beatys at BOOM... the tattoo is like a beacons amazing how well people have received it. I know the drugs helped my comfort level - but you know what - I WAS ME this weekend, raw, flirtatious, sexual, primal, funny - ME. I turned heads that had seen me a thousand times before - why now I wonder - why now to you fidnsome mystique to me. How hard to be the "Single Friend" - there werre smiles and touches and possibilities, but in a million years I couldn't even consider bedding someone down - ironic - my dick wants to play.plow.prod.poke. sooooooooo bad, but intstead I give hugs, amybe a peck on the cheek and mheart skips a beat wonder what the first time will be like. I was reckless and wrong, a force to be wreackoned with - a quiet storm building off the eastern front - I held an air of melancholy that may - or may not have made me more alluring....it's all so odd ya know. this new place.... singledom.

I thought about correcting all the grmmatical/seplling errors - but hey - what the fuck, right?

...it would be hard to say I've been anything but a bit of a downer lately...I really, truly am sorry. The irony is the past couple of days "in the real world", I've been this bouncy shiny happy being...it's oddly bi-polar. My pain is ebbing (pushed away by anger) and I've been spending time pushing through some hellish morning work-outs at the gym, walks then cuddling with the dog and hanging with friends who make me feel safe. If I've been remiss in writing, sharing, calling - it'll pass, I'll make you smile again soon, I want to hug you, tell you a dirty joke, mess with your hair, kiss you on your forehead, sucker-punch you in the arm - I want to make you not worry about me, and feel safe that I'll get through this, but needless to say - I know your there and I feel "sure" of you and that's all this queer lil boy trapped in a man's body could ever hope.

I used to rever you...
I'm trying hard to ignore you...
But now I resent you...
I wish that I could forget you...


You have nothing to offer...
You see there is no second chance here...
Theres no looking back now...
You know theres nothing to work out...


It shouldn't be so hard for you to understand....
Why should I wait for you to come around......
there's no way out...theres no way out....theres no way out...


There's no way out


It shouldn't be so hard for you to understand....
there's no way out...theres no way out....theres no way out...
Why should I have to wait for you to come around......
there's no way out...theres no way out....theres no way out...
Can't you see I want my own part of love...
there's no way out...theres no way out....theres no way out...

(From Side 1, Track 11 - just wait a minute til it kicks in - "No Way Out" by Highland from Paul Oakenfeld "Perfecto Presents Another World")

remember that movie "Fargo" by the Coen Brothers - remember the scene where the one guy stuffs the other guy into the wood chipper - tonight I felt like that "other guy" - wood chip anyone? Thanks sweetheart.

Meeting with the "X" for dinner tonight. Not sure why I'm doing this to myself - lately as he works himself through the anger stage he shows little more for me then contempt. It's a funny feeling to be hated by someone who once thought the world began and ended with you - now he can barely speak to me as if I was another human. At times I find myself just tired - mentally and physically exhausted of trying to be understanding, trying to appreciate why he feels this way and needs to be so cold to me. I guess I just wonder why I don't just start going this direction myself - feeding off of all the shitty things he said and did that motivate me to finally say goodbye. I'm trying to be bigger then this - I'm not perfect - far from it - at the end of the relationship I began to chill towards him as well, I shuddered everytime he went to touch me, I dreaded time alone with him, I fought the urges to bite off his head every time he commented on another man.

Embarassingly I have purchased 8 shirts to choose from - hoping to be handsome, but not look like I'm trying. I bought a new pair of Steve Maddens hoping to look cool, trendy, but not like I'm trying. I'll leave work early to have a nice haircut - high and tight - to look clean and younger, but not like I'm trying. My nerves so raw my face keeps breaking out, I'll try to clear or conceal, but not look like I'm trying. It seems so sad, so embarassing how hard I am ... not trying.

I keep sketching out plans for the "Heartbreak Time Machine" - this savior vessel that will teleport me to a future where our hearts have both mended, we've blocked out the arguments and sadness that began to bleed into everyday of our existance. But I can't seem to find all the parts that make the machine work - I can make it fly on paper - I can envision it taking away the pain and whisking it all away to a place that's better...but beyond that all I have to show for the labor is pieces of paper ripped, torn and crumpled - vagrants hanging desolately around a garbage can.

So here I go again stepping into traffic on a busy highway, hoping I'll side-step the semi's, jostle my way around the winnebagos and jump over the convertibles. Know that at some time tonight I'll be in tears, shoulders shaking, head in my hands and I'll be wondering when the time machine will come pick me up - maybe think a good thought for me - wish me through this - even, sketch your own time machine...and pass your thoughtful hand - ever so gently across my cheek to catch the tears before they drop to the ground.

ouch! Had one of my teeth pulled/extracted/yanked/stolen - whatever today - total blood fest....doped to the gils on Vicodien & Valium...need to catch up on email but I'm zoning hard.....be back soon I swear - with a much nicer smile (and NO I'm not getting rid of the gap between my front teeth - I was kinda offended they asked me if I wanted to fix that - I'd lose my rough trade/white trash status!)

Thanks sweetheart for sheperding me back and forth from the dentist - I know you just wanted to see my drooling John Merrick/Elephant Man impersonation... too embarrasing how I always let you see me at my worst - I just must totally fucking adore you or something.

fucking blogger...acting funny...cookies , what?? Here I am ready to hit the town - wish me luck.

...baby steps...in an effort to get some spiritual healing tomorrow I booked myself a day package at the Biltmore Spa tomorrow ....massage, facial, steam (maybe they'll be some action there ;) !!)
...sorry I vented so much yesterday.

Stealing from my adorable cyber-boyfriend here:

Five truths and One lie

Though my first sexual experience with a boy was at 12 and I had several there after, I didn't have an orgasm until 17 when I fucked a high school track star - from a competing school nonetheless - on the bathroom floor of my girlfriends house using Pert Shampoo as lubricant.

I have held a dying man in my arms - unable - in shock to remember the if, whens and hows of CPR.

As a writer/graphic artist I have been published twice once for a Childrens Book at 14 years of age and once for a Coloring Book at 19 years of age.

I have been in 2 porns, one straight, one gay - both under the name Holden Hardon.

I have an irrational fear of being pushed into a pool after being pushed by my bigger brother into a frozen pool and becoming trapped underneatch the ice. and will not stand too close to one at parties for fear that someone will find humor in doing so to me.

To my Ex. Something I forgot to say on the phone today:

Fuckoff Fuckoff Fuckoff Fuckoff Fuckoff
Fuckoff Fuckoff Fuckoff Fuckoff Fuckoff
Fuckoff Fuckoff Fuckoff Fuckoff Fuckoff
Fuckoff Fuckoff Fuckoff Fuckoff Fuckoff
Fuckoff Fuckoff Fuckoff Fuckoff Fuckoff
Fuckoff Fuckoff Fuckoff Fuckoff Fuckoff
Fuckoff Fuckoff Fuckoff Fuckoff Fuckoff
Fuckoff Fuckoff Fuckoff Fuckoff Fuckoff

LEO Horoscope from Free Will Astrology:

I hope you say more goodbyes in the next week than you have in the previous 11 months combined. It's past time, sweet prince or princess, to bid adieu to all the things that no longer serve you -- and even to some things that do serve you but demand too high a price in return. So please say au revoir to your obsolete game plans and adios to your outmoded assumptions. Bark sayonara at your rickety psychological crutches and auf Wiedersehen*at the symbol that reminds you of your deepest resentment. Whisper begone, nuisance at all illusions that divide you against yourself.


Somehow it's there everywhere around me lately...choices, attitude, thoughts, actions, dreams, fears, friends, enemies, I don't think I've turned out to be who I was meant to be - somewhere along a jagged, winding path over many hills (some beautiful, some ugly) - I've ended up this person that I love, but in that way you love the misfit in a drama or very black comedy who means so well but never seems to get it right - who charges in guns blazing, off of misinformation or a desire to be the hero. If I were to be a King - my kingdom would be "The Island of Misfit Toys".

I have a good life, I am lucky - everyone has heartache and grief - but now how do I change ?

how do I make sure I grow ?

How do I weed out some of the darker and damaging forces I've allowed to take root in my life ?