So there I am starved - doing my least favorite activity as a single man:
I mean seriously as a married man - it has this sweet flirtatious vibe:
Hey losers - Look I'm off the market, domestic bliss, I like the Starkist Tunafish Packets in the handy do it yourself, take-em and go packaging...him? Oh he loves the sensibly cut carrot sticks - I mean REALLY who has time to cut carrot sticks anymore !!!.
You trot around AJ's not holding hands, but we see the invisible-domesticated-partner-leash as we stand in the "single-serve" aisle, just from the gym (well actually not lately - El Flabo be Me) finding ourselves fondling the Ben & Jerry's "Chubby Hubby" while eyeing yours - you throw us that I'll scratch your eyes out and leave you for kitten milk look.
Hey, if you can't have a happy home, Momma says wreck one. Kiddin - KIDDIN...well, kinda.
So with a strut and a mince - I walk up and down the aisles thinking "This is such BULLSHIT", I mean either I'm gonna end up going out for dinner tonight, or I'll order pizza, or even maybe be thrifty (choke!) and eat the rest of the large pizza I JUST ORDERED LAST NIGHT.
Then I think ...well I am here.
So I trot on over to the liquor section - cursing to myself - Bastards! would it kill their P&L guy to go on a limb and start buying Hanger One, so slumming I grab a bottle of Level (Vodka).
Suddenly, I start thinking - Oh I might look like a drunk, get something else - get something else - so, I grab a package of dental floss - not any dental floss - but the kind that's for one time use and has a little handle - cuz, I mean really the only thing more exasperating than shaving and cutting your OWN carrots, has got to be the two-handed, dental flossing manuever we were all taught in grade school - I mean really - HOW BARBARIC !!!
Feeling more respectable,I proceed to the "Ten Items or Less Line" (and yes I AM a 10 ITEMS or LESS VIGILANTE - if I see you trying to convince the cashier that 10 watermelons are 1 item by some misguided logic that because she only has to enter watermelon once than multiply it times ten - well you got another thing coming)
With the luck of the Patron Saint of Kristi McNichols Career, I end up in line with a woman with red hair made from straw, who accidently drops her debit card; which I subsequently stept on, I mean the debit card not the hair made from straw:
Sssscuse me - I hate to be well - FRESH - but your standing on my card.
Worried and confused that this may be some new-fangled-jargon for "clitoris", I leap 3 feet ahead. Somewhere in my vagina-ladened-fear she see's something that convinces her to continue speaking to me.
She references with what I can only suggest to be a squeal of delight - think HEE-HAW, she asks me if my dental floss - is in fact "one of those pretend tooth brushes".......suddenly I would rather she asked me if I was a drunk.
The clerk interupts - my savior in bad glasses - and says "Oh no these are just floss" and have after an understanding pause:
"Sir, the booze is yours too right???"
- sister - I think - you don't even know.
I think, tonight I floss, tonight I pound my bishop and I drink to you.
Anyway - I guess that will cover my grocery shopping for the month - anyone have a take out menu ?