Tuesday, June 26, 2001

Things that hurt:

  • The first time you fall from a bike, or your own two feet
  • The first time you get called 'fag', if they meant it - or not - but you heard it and the chill ran up your spine
  • When your first pet dies - Keesha, my Keeshond, he was 12.
  • The first crush: his name was Ben, 15, beautiful, blond with piercing blue eyes - my love note (to my then best friend) was carelessly dropped on our high school campus, by 6th period it had become the stuff of a John Hughes nightmare. I cried for weeks
  • The first one to cheat, his name was David, ran track, smoked pot and made me feel cool - I was 17, he gave me Chlamydia (I gave him a broken nose)
  • The first death: his name Joe (Big Man on Campus), we were buddies in college - closeted, he lost his life to AIDS - he died during the summer, I had to grieve 3 months after his death.
  • The first person I loved who took their life - an exboyfriend who saw sadness and shadows in every corner, I was one of the last calls he made and for months I hated him for giving me that guilt and leaving me to grieve.
  • The first time I truly loved someone and it ended. It was meant to end and I would have never met the love of my life if it hadn't happened, but I wandered around damaged goods for two years.
  • The first time I ever heard the words - "I'm afraid we have to let you go - blah,blah,blah - economic downturn" - the first time I was ever laid off - today.

    I wanted to see everything else on this list so I remembered the difference between painful hurt and passing hurt...today was passing hurt. I got through the entire day - in the end I only cried when I saw the email from my father with the subject line "I'm sorry".

    I'm tired - it will be ok, I'll figure it out. This list helped....