No one quite does "woeful" like my puppy-dog "Baby", if you don't believe me please refer to 'Exhibit A' ...




Every morning without fail the second I climb into the shower she commences with the sighing and languishing arround. Her body language cries out:

"Bastard - your leaving me again"
"What about play time - what about MY doggie needs??"
"Whose gonna throw the ball, uh ? Did ya think about that Mr. BIGSHOT???"

Now I know it''s possible that these just may be the voices in my head - but ohhhhhh you know she's thinking some killer thoughts, and look at those eyes, the toy gingerly held between her front paws - dammit you beautiful angel - how you torture your daddy so.....

Well technically 368 days ago and close to 25,000 visitors later, this strange lil offshoot of my cerebreal spew came forth. Originally this site was meant to take my mind off of the acute loneliness I felt being 2000 miles from my boyfriend (at that point a relationship with a questionable destiny). I had made many amazing friends in Milwaukee and Chicago and in some ways I was pretending to have the time of my life - but I never felt more alone.
Coming home to my empty apartment, inhaling every drug I could - once with very close to lethal consequences, and mostly just putting on a shiny, happy exterior to co-workers and friends to hide how empty the contents were behind the shell. There were some moments - at night - sitting in the dark before the glow of my laptop - writing and rewriting an entry, exposing myself, my thoughts, my life...that I felt more alive then I had at any other moment. Despair and isolation would ebb away as I would read other bloggers (friends) and exchange email and IM's with them about some of the most personal moments in our lives.

My blog isn't genius, it rarely provides pearls of wisdom and I don't often challenge, or debate the greater issues - but all-in-all it's a pretty honest reflection of me.
If I've made you chuckle, made you smile, made you think (hell even given you a chubby)...that's nice to know.

Anyway Happy Birthday to me, Happy Birthday to me...lil HCL is getting older, wiser, happier...happy birth-day to meeeeeeeee.

Whew....the stress level in this office today makes a NASA launch seem as simple as undoing my trousers to launch my own rocket and think of Shwish

Crap - felling like i'm getting smacked by a thousand red, rubber dodge balls at once...trying hard to stand my ground. I hate when office "situations" occur and then everyone has to run their background checks to figure who fucked up...tiring to say the least.




On other plains I think I may have some sort of nostalgia disorder...I'm currently in heavy rotation of the best of albums of Saint Etienne, Prefab Sprout and The Beautiful South , I mean I know the kids are still making new music out there so is there soemthing wrong with me for not listening to it ??

My head hurts....

..had lunch with Chris today - followed by a need to stroke my own cock - um, I mean - SHIT CHRIS ROCKS!!!

uh Hey sexy muther-fuker....will you take a ride in my BMW - boy ????

I spend numerous hours a night just thinking - not brilliant thoughts, great poetic verses or concept-shattering,algorithms - just stream-of-conciousness ramblings, concerns, worries, anxieties, aspirations, desires, fantasies, reveries...these moments of thought, seem more like a great (ok - not so great - but usable) piece of machinery from the 1940's Industrial Propoganda adverts - all cogs, whistles and noisy, black parts - processing widgets. I get lost watching the widgets be pressed and shaped (designed in an irregular pattern to match their creator) and racing down the conveyor - my boyfriend frustrated stands on the sideline calling out to me "Dinners Ready", "Did you feed the dog?", "Can we have sex?" - and I just don't hear him, I forget where I am in a book, I miss half of the episode of 'Will and Grace" (...why is Karen dressed up as a magicians helper anyway??) and invariably I piss off my boyfriend. And in the end the widgets get spit down different tubes and those tubes turned out to be mismarked - "Cairo??? That part was going to Toledo?" - and I lose track of even why I was thinking this hard in the first place. Sometimes this aspect - this part of me - frustrates me (and others), sometimes it soothes me, sometimes it frightens me and sometimes...

What?? I don't know ? What was I saying anyway......

...well, went to "LA" over the weekend - that drive is killer at 5 hrs each way (if you dont get lost once in Los Angeles - which I did)...we did have a wonderful time seeing Patrick (why is it best friends never seem to live in the same city - is this secretly how you manage to stay best friends ?) - I would say the best parts of the weekend were hanging at the Abbey enjoying lunch, beer and friendship on Saturday afternoon and chilling at Here that evening (what a freak show - a very pretty "look at me I'm pretending to be rich, hung and powerful - and may be one or all of the above" - freak show, but a freak show none the less.)

People in LA are without a doubt the most unapproachable in the continental United States (comparing to say SFO, Chicago, Seattle, San Diego, New York and Phoenix - I haven't been to Atlanta or New Orleans yet - HINT, HINT!), not venting here but really, whats with all the chips on the shoulders and one-ups-man-SHIT. The bartender at the Abbey who really was so soothing to the eyes and at first seemed a twirling blend of apathy, disdain and charm - immediately said "Your not a LA boy are you?!", when I told him my boyfriend and I were from elsewhere he offered the Northern Midwest - "We just seemed more like those type of guys", still not sure if I was being complimented or not. Must be a "LA" thing.

Anyway here are me and my best buddies (my boyfriend and Patrick):

...since allergies seem to be crushing my head and the social schedule is flexing it's muscle and since the pooch is Irish again (uh, regular - ya know what I mean - PS thanks for the advice Jockhomo ) I'm afraid I don't have much blogging time....going to RENT tonight (ok, I know it's been around forever and I should just running around screamming "ooooooh - I looooooved 'CATS') but we don't do theater much and we're trying to turn over a new leaf - sooooo anyway I got us good seats, we're going on a date - nuf said. Then off to 'LA' (hey - THEY call it that not me) for a quick weekend road trip - maybe I'll catch site of this sweet boy

...and still running late in my updates of frivilous events with dynamic friends - here are pics from AZ Gay Pride 2002:

...crazy week...hellish business trip to Los Angeles and no fun, hopefully back there this weekend for a road trip but the dog (poor BABY) has been sick - shit everywhere and I mean everywhere. Parvo test came back negative - thank god since it turns out our pet insurance was bunk and they weren't underwritten to cover us in AZ - what bullshit (we would have ended up paying upwards of $400 smackers a day for her care for close to seven days)...of course we're still a little baffled what it was allergies? flu? parasite? DT's ?? not sure.
...anyway I'm among the living...be good.

...uh, never mind...much better now....

....ok there...shit...high as a kite am I.....dude...I am..the boy is asleep, the Baby is asleep and me - well - shit - keep that fucking bullet out of my nose.

it is soooooo weird to troll the blogs high......

I miss Charlie, I hope your doing welll.....

spiral.hole.kitty.dig.complete.

Happy-Happy, Joy-Joy ....I finally have my USB cable back and I am now trying to catch up on three events worth of pictures. So anyway while I'm trying to be a dutiful buddy and get them off to my friends, I thought I would throw up a few from the White Party (and YES sooner or later we did leave the hotel room - FUN-FUN)

inspired by mobile homes, country music and a taste for the deep-fried, I bring you last nights
WHITE TRASH DINNER MENU
2 bags of Totino's Pizza Rolls
1 bag of Mozzarella Sticks
1 box of 1 million Deep-Fried Ravioli (I exaggerated, maybe it was less than a box)
1 bottle of Moet & Chandon White Star
and some salad (there had to be something natural to tease the digestive tract with)

Lucky and I bought, baked, ate then stared with complete revulsion at this unbelievable cuisine, though tempted to wear Daisy Dukes to dinner I resisted. Then we settled in for David Lynch's "Mulholland Drive" in "kitty-vision" (which I swear actually made more sense from a plot standpoint this time though I still see three-to-four different themes criss-crossing the picture).

...and I must ask, am I the only guy alive who wishes he could tivo every episode of "Mystery Science Theater 2000" ??? (and I don't even have Tivo).

oh John
I haven't slept with any of the same people (YET), I was just illustrating the point that if we all wrote down every name of every person we knew in every state, we would have ended up having
slept with,
fought with,
broken up with,
fallen in love with,
had a good time with,
gone to school with,
danced at a party with,
..... I know your all getting the point....
at least one of them.

It's that whole Six Degrees of Seperation thing (but tighter - though doesn't Stockard Channing rock to some sort of infinite power)....and NO for the love of GOD - let's not have a meme about posting the names of every person we know in every state, etc. - we'll play this game hypothetically.

On a more (or less) interesting note, besides just charming the pants off of me during our email dialogue of the other day Mr. Brown and I came up with an interesting idea for a competitor to the secondary love of my life's "Swishy" and Max's well received "Burn, Baby, Burn" CD deal.

Ready:




Oh, come on nowwwwwwww....you know your so curious! We create lists of bloggers who will send each other their new or used boxers/briefs/banana hammocks/jocks/panties/etc, all for the perverse amusement and pleasure of another blogger.... BJ - I know you'll be down with this idea.

What, huh ???
How can you SAY that, this idea is ahead of it TIME, Brilliant I say - BRILLIANT!!!!!
Your just being judgemental and cruel - TERRIBLY CRUEL!
What????
Oh yeah well I guess the dirty underwear part IS kinda sick - that was Johns doing .

Have a great weekend!

A One Act Play by HCL:

(The Scene): A innocent looking coffee-house close to the college campus, young, attractive bohemians milling about, laughing, debating and enjoying the warm, spring night.

(The Time): The not so distant past (last night in fact)

(The Characters):

Teel : Seemingly new to the ways of the world, but suspiciously satisfied with the taste of ANYTHING deep-fried in a vat of oil.

Encorswish - Somehow sweet and jaded, kind but cruel, alluring but disturbing all at the same time, he fixes his steely eyes upon you in a gaze that says "I have lint in my belly-button", seducatively he draws on his cigarette and huffs "I DONT NEED no stinkin man!"

HCL - The Dawg, dangerous and horny, sniffing legs and butts...his whimper a casual impulse, his bite - more often more than he can chew.

(The Music): Circa 1978 ' blaring "Deep Throat" (Bum-ding-a-Ching-CHING)

(Action!)

encorswish: "Dude, (smoke, draw, puff)...uh why are you sniffing my ass?"

teel: "Hey Chris - this, is uh, making me a little nervous - do you think he can put his pants back on ?"

hcl: "Ruff-Ruff!"

teel "Chris he's humping my leg - for the LOVE OF GOD make HIM SToooooooooooop!"

encorswish: (Now reclining nude - think "Bodecelli") "Better you than me kid"

hcl: (slurping noises too disgusting to imagine)

teel: "Ple-ase- Chris d-ont let meeee go this waaaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyy......."
(An errie silence envelops the stage)

encorswish: "well another one bites the dust"

hcl: (smiling, deliriously happy) "I love Rim-O-Rama night at the coffeehouse"


(Curtain Falls)

Hey boys had a really fun time bullshitting with ya last night - thanks for the rim job.

(EDITORS NOTE: No bloggers were harmed in the production of this National Public Radio special event, we now return you to "Talk of the Tongue" with Diane Reems)

Things I could talk about (sung to the strains of Ms. Bonnie Tyler’s “Total Eclipse of the Heart” – uh, not really, but I mean if you really want to and can figure out how – well, hey, go for it ….damn - your good.) :

• What a fantastic time we had with our absolutely adorable and appreciative houseguests from San Diego over Pride weekend.
  
• The unbelievable heat (high 90’s) this weekend which made our absolutely adorable houseguests a bit queasy (Ok – one threw up) and a little cranky at moments.
  
• A wonderful Pride breakfast where I wowed everyone with the best Bloody Mary’s on this earth (I stir them with something special), then many beers at Pride Fest, then back to house to swim – drink more beer, eat pizza, then Mr. Presta’s AMAZING - fermented for 12 hours - Sangria in the pool with an unsuspecting straight couple and 10 fags, more bloody mary’s, sangria, beer, naps, then dinner at My Florist, lots of wine, a little fight with the boyfriend (white liquor makes us both feisty and irish), the Amsterdam for Martini’s, Mandarin and Tonics and Rasberry Ale, then Warren Gluck (at the space formerly known as Crowbar – now DWNTWN) and more beer, a lot of chance meetings from my dating/hook-up past and then two really, really abnormally large horsepills disguised as X (or was it the other way around)....
  
• Naseau, not a little, A LOT, an unbelievable nerve-racking amount of naseau that started around 4am on Saturday and lasted all day on Sunday forcing me to no-show Roland Belmares Tea Dance put on by Ms. Noah Williams and Friends. Sorry - buddy.
  
• Laying in the fetal position thinking “WOW – X-Files really sucks ass now” and wondering how to raise my head to eat a Zesta saltine, while my loving boyfriend made me soup and pet my head.
  
• Our adorable dog BABY who wowed everyone with what a sweet, well-behaved lover she was…I searched all guest bags on the way out to make sure she hadn’t been confiscated.
  
• A nightmarish time working through 1099R's and other forms - using shitty HR Block online which subsequently screwed up and sent my taxes on the 16th - uh, anyone know anything about tax penalties for filing late ?? (Amount the IRS buttfucked me for - without a gentlemens reach-around - $1200)
  
• Needing a rest from it all for awhile – butching it up this weekend and taking my boy, my dad and my dads best friend to see the Diamondbacks play this Sunday (seats – Black-Tie, behind home plate : My DAD is gonna shit)
  
• Having coffee and a rim job (don't pretend that's not what your after) with arizona's most alluring blogger and some MYSTERY blogger tonight - do I smell hot 3 way (Rim Jobs for EVERYONE - Horray!!!!) ???

WARNING: this one's site always makes you really friggin horny - which sucks when your trapped behind the desk and can't do shit about it.

Have a great weekend everyone.

chomp, chomp, chomp, chomp, chew, chew......
Another stirring sports controversy has captured the attention of my state and many others

SPIT


Arizona Gay Pride is this saturday so we have 4 wonderful house guests galor from both San Diego and Denver. Should be a good - and exhausting weekend - coming up with little gifts for the guests and a Bloody Mary Breakfast on Saturday before the Parade should get everyone started off on a lively foot.

hmmmmm...seems I've been "bitch-slapped" ....Joe - Buddy - I think you took the materialistic references to objects in my blog a little to seriously, but your point is appreciated - god knows someone needs to try and keep me in check *grins*. Please understand if you've read me long enough, I'm a lower middle-class kid, who put himself through college, whose parents have never bought him a car (and how I always envied my friends who just got handed the keys to the BMWer and then complained about how distant Mummy and Daddy were to them. I EARNED that lake-side apartment and SUV through straight A's in college despite waiting tables til midnight and then getting up early to work as a grunt on a landscaping crew, I cater-waitered, ran errands, did side projects, and took out a lot of student loans...I even posed in the raw for a national magazine when all my funds ran out - and ensued the embarrassment and slings and arrows of that decision. All of this to have these things (meaningless in the greater persepective of the love for my boyfriend, my friends, my family, my dog) pulled out of my hands after only having them for 11 months - because the very wealthy owners of my agency wanted to STAY wealthy - and rolling over my carcass and putting me on unemployment meant nothing to them. NO not all Fags are rich, but some work their asses off for 32 years working everyday for a minimum of 40 hours since the first day they could, trying to never take the easy way out, trying to make everyday a hard day worked and maybe, luckily in the end of it all ending up not rich, but pretty well off - but RICH in spirit and integrity YET STILL WEALTHY in friends and in hope.
'nuf said.

wow - BLURRRRRRRRRRR - where the heck did the rest of the week go. Lord knows my ass never saw the gym. I worked my butt of this week, and let me tell you - when my boss handed me that bonus check yesterday I went and sat in my car (my piece of shit Toyota which is sooooooooooo on it's way out the door after seeing THAT bonus check - BMW baby!) , I called my Mom and told her I had gotten it and I just started sobbing...I was so embarrassed I had to get off the phone and fast. I felt like the whole shitty year was whacking me in the back of the head. All the rejections, all the false leads, all the god-damn cover letters and resumes, giving up my adorable lake-side apartment, giving up my SUV, giving up all the friends I had to work so hard to make and were so easy to maintain, coming back to Arizona like a wounded dog with his tail between his legs, the thousand questions: "Found a job yet??", "Are you looking EVERYWHERE?", "Are you sure your not being to picky?", the fake-sympathy-smiles from my bosses as I was escorted out of the agency the day I was laid-off, all the doubters among me wondering (was it maybe somehow my fault I had been laid off??), the months of scraping by, the self-doubt, the self-loathing, the embarrassment, the humility, canceling parties, avoiding calls, laying low and now finally THIS.

FUCK THE MOTHER FUCKING CORPORATE SACK OF SHITS WHO THOUGHT THEY BROKE MY SPIRIT, FUCK THEIR BULLSHIT PRAISE AND SMALL MINDS!!!!!I

I took a risk, I choose the path not ventured (at least for me) and I'm loving it, I'm free and I'm gonna make more money then I have ever, ever made in my life.

Damn - if I could even explain how good this feels. *grins*

ok - yeah, I'm back - what a roller-coaster ride...so, so much fun, but admittedly by the end I was sick of dancing, sick of not sleeping, sick of people groping, bumping, knocking into me, asking for a bump, asking for a drink, asking for a hit, but never returning the favor...sick of having tons of people streaming in and out of the hotel room like it was a dorm, finding strangers (COMPLETE - How the fuck did YOU get in here - STRANGERS) crashed on our floor, and well, so many stories - some completely outlandish criticisms on the human condition and how some people weren't raised in a barn - but a Crack House.

But Lucky and I always come back more together, more a cohesive unit, more in love and more sure that we are lucky to be a couple and not relishing the wildness (well we were pretty wild ourselves) of our single friends. Lots of private jokes and private memories, and this year one other thing - something special, a first - that brought us even closer together than I ever thought we good be.

And there are pictures and they will be aired like dirty, dirty laundry - but for now it's the end of the quarter - I want a BIG BIG bonus, so much to do, much to do.