Everything old is just sleeping waiting to be new again, everything new is just one second from becoming old

Give me a sec here - I'm in a real foul fuckin' mood.

My neighbors are taking me to court over my dogs barking.

BARKING.

Mind you I'm not one of those guys who has a rusty old bloodhound tied to a tree who he beats once a weeek - I have two beautiful yellow labs and a gorgeous golden retreiver - my dogs sleep in MY bed, they are not allowed people food, they sit when asked - they wear frigging Burberry collars - and now the old withered up bitch next door whose doing nothing to help the neighborhood appreciate has gotten herself and a couple of cronies to take me to court over my dogs barking.

My dogs bark when they play sure - their playing.

My dogs bark when your in the alley behind my house - their protecting the house.

I frigging park my Audi convertible in my driveway so the dogs can stay in the air-cooled garage when it's too hot (proper use of 'too' - right Tyler - grin)

Just pisses me off. And my operations manager (and friend) seems to be AWOL today which may get his ass fired - but unfortunately since I'm his friend has me more of a nervous wreck right now.

Old things, new things, used things, bruised things...much of it my heart. Found out Friday night - in a drunken stupor - that a friend who I had just been hanging out with the previous weekend, had committed suicide. I liked this kid cute, fun, troublemaker - but never became anything more than bar friends with him primarily and more eriely because the way I met him was HERO's funeral. How strange is life that on the eve of the weekend that I met HERO who ended up taking his life that his friend does the same. I know little of the circumstances 'cept rumors of terminal cancer - which I respect a persons desire to not put themselves through the rigors of cancer treatment. Which then ties in to how nervous I am about getting my own biopsy results tomorrow - with the way things are going lately. Oh, and I have a date with LUCKY tonight - and if anyone has been reading me from the beggining you must be: WOAH.

Every crazy thing seems to spiral and be connected into every crazy thing in my life right now.

WHEW! Did I vent or WHAT!

Really - REALLY - Hung Over.

And for some reason I have all this salt in my hair.

What's worse than being dragged on stage by a drag queen during bingo?

Um, being dragged backstage.

Ok - kinda sucks, I'm all hyper to write lately and talk about the so many things happening in my world and my Cox cable connection at home is for shit. Has to be the drivers or cable modem - pissing the shit out of me though. So anyway, when I said I was back to writing I meant it...maybe I'll write the files and then just upload the files when I get to work.

I'm in a good space. Given myself til San Diego Pride to be hot as shit - yeah it's a vapid goal compared to cleansing the world of crime (those people who take 14 items in to the 10 item line, or women who flaunt belly-piercings intended to distract from their rolls) or saving an endangered species (you know - like one of the Olsen twins) - but come on I let myself go this past year and I'm finally kicking my ass back into shape. Behave and there will be pictures.

Hate to write when I'm at work, so have a terrific weekend, and if you haven't seen it - please, please, please go see CRASH - it's friggin awesome.

Dear GOD and/or Anonynmous poster - glad you're so fascinated by my life - don't worry one day you to may have a life - doubtful, but dream big - now that American Idol is done it's run you MUST have TONS of time on your hands.

Ok, good news - bad news. I finally added links bad in but down have time to tweak with the font size and picked them up from a really, REALLY old template. God knows how many of the links even work.

Oh and BTW - I meant to say an extremely sincere thank you to those adorable bloggers who never take you off their link-love-list, even when your admittedly dreadful about consistently writing. It's like the old adage about leaving a candle burning, it makes you feel cared for. And YES, I'm a dork - I need to add LINKS back on to my page and the favor will be returned.

I'm hungover and bored.

Just not in the mood to work today. The office is empty and I find myself ignoring the dosseir (sp?) I need to put together for the lawsuit, accounts receivable reporting I need to update to finish my Q1 reporting for the CPA, death threats I need to make to people who owe my company way too much money and an IN basket that would strike fear in the hearts of many a paper-weight.

...and I'm fucking horny.

I need sex. Good, dirty, sweaty, cum in my face sex.

I've been seeing someone for 3 months now, but it's all but over. And there hasn't been any sex there for weeks. Once I stop feeling for someone - I stop. All gone, gone fishing, void/do not redeposit, return to sender. We haven't spoken in three days so the only thing left is to say the words. He's a great guy, but aimless. 26 and just going nowhere. I've always been so driven - so agressive about finding success in whatever I do - that I'm just dumbfounded when I meet bright, attractive guys who seem to care only about the next bump and where the after-hours party is at.

I need more, much more. I want to be challenged, intellectually stimulated - I want to be excited when I hear him talk about his accomplishments, I want to share in his hopes, I want to want to tear his clothes off everytime I see him - instead I'm paying his cell phone bill because he hasn't paid it two months - but still always manages to have coke on him.

I think the whole thing has me in a rut. That sense of disappointment in the bigger picture when something I try fails. It's been a long 2 and 1/2 years since Lucky and I split up and 1 and 1/2 since Hero's suicide. I've tried to date twice now, same results - it's great, fantastic even for the first month or so, by the second month I'm having buyers remorse and by the third I'm chewing my arm off to get away. But in my heart I know I want someone in my life - just not sure how to get there.

Things seem very helter-skelter of late. My best friend V. is coming intown this week for a funeral. One of those random connections - not her, but the poor guy who passed away, that bring your frineds back even though it's starting to hit 100 degrees here.

The first few weeks when the heat comes on in Arizona makes everyone excessively cranky - I would probably compare it to the mind set they spoke of in my 1 year-hiatis in Milwaukee - S.A.D. (Seasonal Attitude Depression). Kinda that - oh shit-I live in fucking AZ and the temperature is gonna be 100 and over for the next 6 months - oh what ever happened to march and tooling around town with the top down.

Spoke to Big H. tonite and agreed to go on some gay caribbean cruise next January to celebrate his big 4-0. It'll be something to look forward to and plenty of time to lose a couple of pounds.

Not sure what became of my Saturday post - but oh such is life on the blogspot.

....so here it is....once again...what am I blogging about...when I started doing this back in 2001 - Crap that's frigging 4 years ago, I think I wanted to reach out, wanted to meet people - I was living in Milwaukee, working in Advertising and was bored. Then it steamrolled into an opportunity to chronicle a time of huge transition in my my life with wonderful highs and some devastating lows...and then it stopped. Valid reasons.grief.pain.some fucking dark, dark days. I disappeared for almost a year trying to straighten out my head and to move on. Then I started again but in the most tumultuous - and still it be - time of my professional life.

So it became harder and harder to write....but somehow I still haven't lost the need for this form of expression, so I still come back to write. But now more fear lurks, because now "blogging" is a water cooler word and you wonder what deck of cards does my blog sit upon.

I try to keep growing and improving, timeouts from drinking and partying and now maybe more than ever in the last few weeks - a desire to pull it all back in and create a tighter, more structured and reliable existence. See - I'm much more fun when I'm being bad - but I'm 35 and I'm starting to spend more time thinking about the foundation that I've built than what color to paint the trim.

One of my buddies came to me today and told me a little story about he and a friend getting smeared on a bloggers site and that the guy had posted a picture of them calling them "assholes". I thought that's retarded a blogger wouldn't do that it's so tacky. When I started blogging a few years and over 150,000 hits ago I always wrote in a very personal nature of deeply personal events or of the crazy world that we were living in; sure now and then a naughty escapade or a satirical rant, but stuff that would click with a guy living in Iran or a housewife living in Brisbane.

I've met amazing people by putting myself out there.

Well I found out who the guy was and it's Darin at Darinstuff.

Darin, I'll shoot you and email and let you know I'm talking about you because it's only fair. Blogs are about our lives, but also about how we conduct ourselves. My friends commented on you commenting in a public place - loudly - about someone they knew (honestly, don't know your ex, don't care). They just called you out on it.

Hey I've ripped people on my site before, but never gave names and certainly didn't take photo's. It can very cathartic to vent. I've lived in Arizona since 79, I know an ungodly amount of people - I've done some stupid shit - we all do. But if you think that your gonna be "drumming up business at any of the places on the gay scene" or the straight scene while using your blog to publicly slam people your sadly mistaken. I was an executive in advertising and I have my own business, word-of-mouth is a bitch.

It's easy to get your name trashed in this town - it's big, but very small.

Your probably a good guy who was pissed. It happens.

A great phrase an older and wiser friend taught me:

Brilliant people talk about idea's,
Smart people talk about events,
Small people talk about people.

SFO was fun....and a really good kick to the ass of my ego. The boiz at Mezzanine
I believe it was called were really, really fucking hot. I'm kicking myself for not playing with any of them but EJ and I were sharing a room and I think three-ways are probably not the best Boss-Employee bonding time. I frigging blew so much cash shopping - I really have to admit I just love new threads. The new Deisel jeans are gonna work well with my back to the gym attitude. Kinda found the service to be rude but had the greatest waitress at Mecca and gave her $100 tip just to see her beam. Fun, fun - now back to work to pay for the debauchery.

I'm a shit - u can say it, go ahead - I'm a shit - I don't write, we don't talk, I don't return calls..ugh.

Everything is as usual - unusual. A frantic, fragile, hectic, happy, bullshit - pace.
I will buy the comapny I work for in now - just 11 months, things there are stressful and a constant reminder I really want to retire young. Broke up with a beautiful, latino boy I had been dating for the past month tonight. All in all it went well - I was a gentleman, I waited til the end of a lovely meal a beautiful restaurant, he seem saddened but gracious. You always feel a bit of a shit though - hey it's not you it's me, you're fantastic any guy would kill for you, I normally am only attracted to serial killers (kidding)- letting some one down that way.

But it was fun to date again - now started to have sex again needs to be resolved - I got it in Australia - but it was lame and it's just not the same if you don't cum.
Hopefully I've moved out of my monk phase. Got a great work-out partner who is whooping my ass so I'm back at the gym after this very strange summer.

Taking one of my boiz to SFO for the weekend for his bday present - if your around look for me, I'm gonna go to Beach Blanket Bablyon and then to the End Up tomorrow night.

Anyway - it's late - or early - or both. I either should sleep or pack or make breakfast - something like that.