From : "Kurt XXXXXXXX"
To : XXXXXXXXX@hotmail.com

Subject : Re: room assignments

Date : Tue, 10 Jun 2003 16:51:20 +0000


CT,

Bud....Lucky and I talked at length yesterday, and in all - the effect was pretty devastating for me. I cried pretty much the whole time and was shot for the rest of the day ending up in my bed at 6pm listening to Sarah McLachlan. There wasn't hate or malice - worse, there was a lot of unresolved love on both sides, in a way that hurt even more. We left the past out and the hurts, but you could feel them hiding behind words wanting their chance. I wanted to tell myself I could do this - maybe if it was just one night - but not a whole week. It's inconceivable. This is our third break-up in three and half years - I always find myself drawn back in - the only healthy remedy to date for me has been distance and silence. Please think back to your experiences with XXX and remember what its like to get the sweats, the naseau and the dizziness at the prospect of having to be in a room with him. Imagine the anger, hate and resentment that would swell up, even when you thought you had moved on...I know you can relate to these feelings.

CT - I'm not ready. I am not a selfish person, I try to put others first - I love and adore you with everything in me. But the stress and tension that the presence of Lucky and I on the vacation would taint the entire thing. No - I don't want to have to look at the pictures afterwards and imagine the wonderful time everyone had without me - but even worse would be to see the looks on everyones faces as we (or I) ruin everyones fun - when I deck some guy Lucky kisses. I hope enough of the things I have said and done in our beautiful friendship over the past few years is enough to outweigh how slighted you may feel by this action. I know what this means to you, I have been vascilating back and forth for months - after yesterday I realized what a personal setback this would be to the progress I have made of getting back on my feet.

You know I have a huge heart - no matter how tough I profess to be. Lucky is the one man in the world who can truly harm that heart - I'm not strong enough yet to fight that.

I love you with everything in me. I understand you may not be happy with me for awhile. I will taste those slings and arrows if they come (dramatic phrase, huh?), but I will stand by - as your friend - ready when your able to forgive me.

I'm sorry.

All my love and friendship.

Kurt