Thursday, December 26, 2002

I let myself go.

Actually "I let myself go" is an understatement.

How 'bout - "Oh my god ! you fucking fat pig - what have you done with Kurt ??? You've eaten him haven't you ?? For Christ Sake - I think I can see him moving around in your belly - you devoured him like a Triscuit with cheese - didn't you ???"

It's the truth - and it's the ugly truth.

I haven't been a holiday person for years. Lucky is in New Jersey and I'm alone with my dysfunctional family unit - and around the holidays I have two favorite past times - Eating and Drinking. Normally there is some counterbalance where I work out every day without fail to keep the haunting pounds off for some huge New Years Eve Circuit Party in another city. This year though we're playing it mellow and staying home and somewhere back 3 and 1/2 weeks ago - I skipped the gym for one afternoon.

The only problem is I skipped it for the next 23 afternoons as well.

This is my longest absence from the gym since I was 20 and hospitalized with a doudenal ulcer.

Tanning, cutting my hair, the gym ...all those things fell by the wayside as I slipped in to a holiday coma. Restless, bitchy and depressed - I stopped posting much (it was so hard to find the time between NOT going to gym and constantly eating and drinking). So I'm at Tarbells for dinner with friends on Christmas Eve when D. reaches over and "pats" my belly. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

I can point fingers.

My boss - the "King of the One Slice", never will you meet a man who brings in more pies or cakes with one slice taken out of it - "Please - take this home - enjoy it!".

My Mom - always sending me from her house with fresh-baked cookies.

My boyfriend - who could eat the entire Krispy Kreme franchise and still not gain a pound.

At one point after Thanksgiving - between my boyfriend, mother and boss - I had 5 different types of pies in my refrigerator. I would sit with the whole pie and a fork in my favorite chair watching television - eating an entire pumpkin pie.

My Dog - Baby - often turned away in disgust.

So in the end, others didn't make me eat. I was feeding depression, stress and anxiety - and were they ever hungry!

No supplements, no gym, no need to get sexy for a holiday party, no shirtless - dance all night circuit parties, no real desire to even do it just for myself - the sweaters and jackets were covering it all up, but man O' man were the jeans getting tighter.

Then yesterday - it all came crashing in. I excused myself from my parents table and the Christmas dinner of Prime Rib and went to use the boys room. It was a fleeting thought "Hey a scale - god, I haven't stepped on one in months...wonder what I weigh???".

I placed the right foot, then the left. The dial swung feverishly from the left, to the right, then back again.

My parents said the screams of terror shook the walls.


Since my 33rd birthday in August I have gained 27lbs.

So I called the boyfriend today:

"Babe - help me... for the love of all that is unholy and made of sugar and carbs... carry an elephant tranquilizer and shoot to kill if you see me heading for a bag of Salsa Verde Doritos, knock me unconcious with a pine-tar free baseball bat if you catch me ordering a "Biggie - Sized" anything ('cept Eros Lube that is) and shoot me with a sawed off shock gun if you hear the word "gift basket" fall from my lips one more time"

So it ends. I just woofed down a biggie double-quarter pounder with cheese, biggie fries and a biggie Coke. Say goodbye to the fast food.

No booze for 30 days - even New Years Eve.

I just pulled on my gym clothes and am leaving work early to hit the gym.

And if I see a pie, even a slice - I will stomp on it til it resembles road kill on highway loop 101.

..wish me luck.