...why yes dear I did consider "visitations to places of illicit carnal desire" on my way home last night and I did pull my shiny black car into said parking lots and felt a weird thrill being leered at, lusted after and wanted - until I frigging saw how ugly and freaky the muther-fuckers were cruising me. And then oh you should have seen said pathetic little me tearing through the side streets around Central Ave trying to lose one said creepy muther-fucker who followed me and kept beckoning me to roll down my window.

Ugh - let's just have a welcoming party to welcome me back to 'Single-dom", smash me over the head with a bottle of Colt 45, push me over, push the bottle of poppers in my face - deep SNiiiiiiifFFF - drive/pound/drill/ram/plow/hammer that fucking tool up my tight ass (it's been many months - it's gonna burn - but let's get over with !) and then just shoot your hot, sticky loads upon my strong, unbroken back. Done - good. Now what the fuck am I supposed to do??

Happy Hour at 6pm ... pray for their souls, their gonna need it.

...and yes Donald - I DID scream your name...my keeper of the law and the LAW-LESS.

...the fact that people can be kind doesn't astound me, but when you truly feel it's motivated freely from concern, and not gain, I will admit some shock. Once that shock subsides I feel a very gentle, warm feeling, like when my Mom would muss my hair while the family watched 'Cheers' ...an action that said "Hey you - just checking - your here, your OK - good, good."

Thanks to those who have 'mussed my hair over the past 24 hours', it's means a lot to me.

and because I have neglected to say it before, thanks Chris for being the true shoulder to cry on and bitch to. You really are a wonderful, wonderful friend ( and if you move I'll kick your lilly-white, hairy ass).

Hey, what's up...kinda disappeared on ya didn't I ??

See, I didn't mean to but I'm afraid something very sad has happened - my relationship of almost three years (2 years, 8 1/2 months, but it just gets so old saying that and then people just hear the "Two" part and totally discount the following 8 and 1/2 months) came to an end about a week and half ago.

So I've just been processing - or more likely "going through the motions" and avoiding any contact with the stark reality of what had really happened.

Have you ever done that ?? Made sure you only watched "comedies", listened to "cheerful dance songs" and tried to stay so busy there wasn't time to think.

It's funny though - theres always time to think.

You lay there "alone" (but for some weird reason you still only stay on "your" side of the bed) in the new, supposedly comfortable, but seemingly impossible to sleep on, bed (an unexpected purchase) and no matter how tired you are from moving to your own place and trying to explain (but not "explain" ) to your friends and family what went wrong - when did the happily (how embarrassing how I had told so many friends - soon to be married, or at least engaged) couple stop being 'happy', you don't sleep - you think. Questioning yourself like a B-Rate Movie Actor in a cheesy detective movie questioning a witness from a line-up. Motive? Weapon? Cause of Death?

Since Saturday, my first day in my new house, I kept wanting to fire-up the laptop buried somewhere among the boxes and explain where I've been, tell the story of what happened, where it all took a turn, why at 32 - I now need to learn how to attach the adjective "Single" to the description of who I am again. But instead I bought a couch at Pottery Barn, I began painting what will be my office some fancy-name for Blue by Ralph Lauren, I spent over a thousand dollars at Target buying plates and glasses and linens and pots & pans and ....well, you get the picture. Driving by the house we were having built that had just come to contract and we were to sign on four hours before we broke up. Life runs an odd, jagged path across our heart, through our mind and around our soul sometimes doesn't it ?

So I'm not sure if I'll really lay it out - it seems wrong for some reason - no matter how close I have come to some of my blogger buddies to wring out my heart on this pulsing computer screen, to admit failure, to cry on a keyboard...

...but for those of you who wondered, or worried:

I'm here, I'm around, I'm back.

Not sure why I'm so into my horoscope lately - you ever feel like your looking for the meaning of your life in cereal boxes and soup cans ??

LEO (July 23-Aug 22)

Week of May 30, 2002

Before proceeding any further, please arrange for a bright companion to rub your shoulders while thinking tender thoughts about you. This is no joke. I urge you not to read on until you are feeling well-loved and appreciated. Why? Because it will drive home the point that you are most likely to express your full potential in the coming week if you are steeped in the sympathetic influences of people who see the best in you. Don't just wait around and hope for this to come your way by accident. Get out there and make it happen.

hmmmm...

LEO (July 23-Aug 22)

Week of May 23, 2002

Have you heard of Johannes Jensen, Salvatore Quasimodo, Roger Martin Du Gard, or Frans Eemil Sillanpaa? It's doubtful. I'll tell you what they have in common: They all won the Nobel Prize for Literature, but their books are out of print and hard to find. Let this be your starting point in the coming week as you evaluate what you're truly worth. Here are some other questions to ponder. Do you really need to be acknowledged for your greatness in order to feel successful? Do others' opinions count for more than your own when you measure your value? Are you more eager to gain the approval of so-called "important people" than of the folks whose lives are entwined with yours? Is fame worth squat?


Courtesy of Free Will Astrology

Suffering from Work Attention Defecit Syndrome today......the weather has dipped down into the 80's which is a treat to say the least. Getting ready to take off to San Diego for a friends 40th bash and Memorial Weekend frivolity and tonight even more exciting - going to see Peter Bogdanovich's Cats Meow with the proverbial "Cat's Meow".

No one quite does "woeful" like my puppy-dog "Baby", if you don't believe me please refer to 'Exhibit A' ...




Every morning without fail the second I climb into the shower she commences with the sighing and languishing arround. Her body language cries out:

"Bastard - your leaving me again"
"What about play time - what about MY doggie needs??"
"Whose gonna throw the ball, uh ? Did ya think about that Mr. BIGSHOT???"

Now I know it''s possible that these just may be the voices in my head - but ohhhhhh you know she's thinking some killer thoughts, and look at those eyes, the toy gingerly held between her front paws - dammit you beautiful angel - how you torture your daddy so.....

Well technically 368 days ago and close to 25,000 visitors later, this strange lil offshoot of my cerebreal spew came forth. Originally this site was meant to take my mind off of the acute loneliness I felt being 2000 miles from my boyfriend (at that point a relationship with a questionable destiny). I had made many amazing friends in Milwaukee and Chicago and in some ways I was pretending to have the time of my life - but I never felt more alone.
Coming home to my empty apartment, inhaling every drug I could - once with very close to lethal consequences, and mostly just putting on a shiny, happy exterior to co-workers and friends to hide how empty the contents were behind the shell. There were some moments - at night - sitting in the dark before the glow of my laptop - writing and rewriting an entry, exposing myself, my thoughts, my life...that I felt more alive then I had at any other moment. Despair and isolation would ebb away as I would read other bloggers (friends) and exchange email and IM's with them about some of the most personal moments in our lives.

My blog isn't genius, it rarely provides pearls of wisdom and I don't often challenge, or debate the greater issues - but all-in-all it's a pretty honest reflection of me.
If I've made you chuckle, made you smile, made you think (hell even given you a chubby)...that's nice to know.

Anyway Happy Birthday to me, Happy Birthday to me...lil HCL is getting older, wiser, happier...happy birth-day to meeeeeeeee.

Whew....the stress level in this office today makes a NASA launch seem as simple as undoing my trousers to launch my own rocket and think of Shwish

Crap - felling like i'm getting smacked by a thousand red, rubber dodge balls at once...trying hard to stand my ground. I hate when office "situations" occur and then everyone has to run their background checks to figure who fucked up...tiring to say the least.




On other plains I think I may have some sort of nostalgia disorder...I'm currently in heavy rotation of the best of albums of Saint Etienne, Prefab Sprout and The Beautiful South , I mean I know the kids are still making new music out there so is there soemthing wrong with me for not listening to it ??

My head hurts....

..had lunch with Chris today - followed by a need to stroke my own cock - um, I mean - SHIT CHRIS ROCKS!!!

uh Hey sexy muther-fuker....will you take a ride in my BMW - boy ????

I spend numerous hours a night just thinking - not brilliant thoughts, great poetic verses or concept-shattering,algorithms - just stream-of-conciousness ramblings, concerns, worries, anxieties, aspirations, desires, fantasies, reveries...these moments of thought, seem more like a great (ok - not so great - but usable) piece of machinery from the 1940's Industrial Propoganda adverts - all cogs, whistles and noisy, black parts - processing widgets. I get lost watching the widgets be pressed and shaped (designed in an irregular pattern to match their creator) and racing down the conveyor - my boyfriend frustrated stands on the sideline calling out to me "Dinners Ready", "Did you feed the dog?", "Can we have sex?" - and I just don't hear him, I forget where I am in a book, I miss half of the episode of 'Will and Grace" (...why is Karen dressed up as a magicians helper anyway??) and invariably I piss off my boyfriend. And in the end the widgets get spit down different tubes and those tubes turned out to be mismarked - "Cairo??? That part was going to Toledo?" - and I lose track of even why I was thinking this hard in the first place. Sometimes this aspect - this part of me - frustrates me (and others), sometimes it soothes me, sometimes it frightens me and sometimes...

What?? I don't know ? What was I saying anyway......

...well, went to "LA" over the weekend - that drive is killer at 5 hrs each way (if you dont get lost once in Los Angeles - which I did)...we did have a wonderful time seeing Patrick (why is it best friends never seem to live in the same city - is this secretly how you manage to stay best friends ?) - I would say the best parts of the weekend were hanging at the Abbey enjoying lunch, beer and friendship on Saturday afternoon and chilling at Here that evening (what a freak show - a very pretty "look at me I'm pretending to be rich, hung and powerful - and may be one or all of the above" - freak show, but a freak show none the less.)

People in LA are without a doubt the most unapproachable in the continental United States (comparing to say SFO, Chicago, Seattle, San Diego, New York and Phoenix - I haven't been to Atlanta or New Orleans yet - HINT, HINT!), not venting here but really, whats with all the chips on the shoulders and one-ups-man-SHIT. The bartender at the Abbey who really was so soothing to the eyes and at first seemed a twirling blend of apathy, disdain and charm - immediately said "Your not a LA boy are you?!", when I told him my boyfriend and I were from elsewhere he offered the Northern Midwest - "We just seemed more like those type of guys", still not sure if I was being complimented or not. Must be a "LA" thing.

Anyway here are me and my best buddies (my boyfriend and Patrick):

...since allergies seem to be crushing my head and the social schedule is flexing it's muscle and since the pooch is Irish again (uh, regular - ya know what I mean - PS thanks for the advice Jockhomo ) I'm afraid I don't have much blogging time....going to RENT tonight (ok, I know it's been around forever and I should just running around screamming "ooooooh - I looooooved 'CATS') but we don't do theater much and we're trying to turn over a new leaf - sooooo anyway I got us good seats, we're going on a date - nuf said. Then off to 'LA' (hey - THEY call it that not me) for a quick weekend road trip - maybe I'll catch site of this sweet boy

...and still running late in my updates of frivilous events with dynamic friends - here are pics from AZ Gay Pride 2002:

...crazy week...hellish business trip to Los Angeles and no fun, hopefully back there this weekend for a road trip but the dog (poor BABY) has been sick - shit everywhere and I mean everywhere. Parvo test came back negative - thank god since it turns out our pet insurance was bunk and they weren't underwritten to cover us in AZ - what bullshit (we would have ended up paying upwards of $400 smackers a day for her care for close to seven days)...of course we're still a little baffled what it was allergies? flu? parasite? DT's ?? not sure.
...anyway I'm among the living...be good.

...uh, never mind...much better now....

....ok there...shit...high as a kite am I.....dude...I am..the boy is asleep, the Baby is asleep and me - well - shit - keep that fucking bullet out of my nose.

it is soooooo weird to troll the blogs high......

I miss Charlie, I hope your doing welll.....

spiral.hole.kitty.dig.complete.

Happy-Happy, Joy-Joy ....I finally have my USB cable back and I am now trying to catch up on three events worth of pictures. So anyway while I'm trying to be a dutiful buddy and get them off to my friends, I thought I would throw up a few from the White Party (and YES sooner or later we did leave the hotel room - FUN-FUN)

inspired by mobile homes, country music and a taste for the deep-fried, I bring you last nights
WHITE TRASH DINNER MENU
2 bags of Totino's Pizza Rolls
1 bag of Mozzarella Sticks
1 box of 1 million Deep-Fried Ravioli (I exaggerated, maybe it was less than a box)
1 bottle of Moet & Chandon White Star
and some salad (there had to be something natural to tease the digestive tract with)

Lucky and I bought, baked, ate then stared with complete revulsion at this unbelievable cuisine, though tempted to wear Daisy Dukes to dinner I resisted. Then we settled in for David Lynch's "Mulholland Drive" in "kitty-vision" (which I swear actually made more sense from a plot standpoint this time though I still see three-to-four different themes criss-crossing the picture).

...and I must ask, am I the only guy alive who wishes he could tivo every episode of "Mystery Science Theater 2000" ??? (and I don't even have Tivo).

oh John
I haven't slept with any of the same people (YET), I was just illustrating the point that if we all wrote down every name of every person we knew in every state, we would have ended up having
slept with,
fought with,
broken up with,
fallen in love with,
had a good time with,
gone to school with,
danced at a party with,
..... I know your all getting the point....
at least one of them.

It's that whole Six Degrees of Seperation thing (but tighter - though doesn't Stockard Channing rock to some sort of infinite power)....and NO for the love of GOD - let's not have a meme about posting the names of every person we know in every state, etc. - we'll play this game hypothetically.

On a more (or less) interesting note, besides just charming the pants off of me during our email dialogue of the other day Mr. Brown and I came up with an interesting idea for a competitor to the secondary love of my life's "Swishy" and Max's well received "Burn, Baby, Burn" CD deal.

Ready:




Oh, come on nowwwwwwww....you know your so curious! We create lists of bloggers who will send each other their new or used boxers/briefs/banana hammocks/jocks/panties/etc, all for the perverse amusement and pleasure of another blogger.... BJ - I know you'll be down with this idea.

What, huh ???
How can you SAY that, this idea is ahead of it TIME, Brilliant I say - BRILLIANT!!!!!
Your just being judgemental and cruel - TERRIBLY CRUEL!
What????
Oh yeah well I guess the dirty underwear part IS kinda sick - that was Johns doing .

Have a great weekend!

A One Act Play by HCL:

(The Scene): A innocent looking coffee-house close to the college campus, young, attractive bohemians milling about, laughing, debating and enjoying the warm, spring night.

(The Time): The not so distant past (last night in fact)

(The Characters):

Teel : Seemingly new to the ways of the world, but suspiciously satisfied with the taste of ANYTHING deep-fried in a vat of oil.

Encorswish - Somehow sweet and jaded, kind but cruel, alluring but disturbing all at the same time, he fixes his steely eyes upon you in a gaze that says "I have lint in my belly-button", seducatively he draws on his cigarette and huffs "I DONT NEED no stinkin man!"

HCL - The Dawg, dangerous and horny, sniffing legs and butts...his whimper a casual impulse, his bite - more often more than he can chew.

(The Music): Circa 1978 ' blaring "Deep Throat" (Bum-ding-a-Ching-CHING)

(Action!)

encorswish: "Dude, (smoke, draw, puff)...uh why are you sniffing my ass?"

teel: "Hey Chris - this, is uh, making me a little nervous - do you think he can put his pants back on ?"

hcl: "Ruff-Ruff!"

teel "Chris he's humping my leg - for the LOVE OF GOD make HIM SToooooooooooop!"

encorswish: (Now reclining nude - think "Bodecelli") "Better you than me kid"

hcl: (slurping noises too disgusting to imagine)

teel: "Ple-ase- Chris d-ont let meeee go this waaaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyy......."
(An errie silence envelops the stage)

encorswish: "well another one bites the dust"

hcl: (smiling, deliriously happy) "I love Rim-O-Rama night at the coffeehouse"


(Curtain Falls)

Hey boys had a really fun time bullshitting with ya last night - thanks for the rim job.

(EDITORS NOTE: No bloggers were harmed in the production of this National Public Radio special event, we now return you to "Talk of the Tongue" with Diane Reems)