Friday, August 13, 2004

So here it is, and here am I

The one year mark.

I awoke and even then it wasn't real, I went to the spot where I found you and I sat down - alone and naked - and waited.

Did I expect your return?

Did I think there would be ghostly vengeance ?

No, probably neither.

I've been living in shadows for months, knowing that this day had to come.

Imitating your ghost, by becoming one myself.

I offered my apologies for the last words I said before I closed my door, for my part in your life that may have lead you to this path, for the ways I loved you and the ways I din't love you enough, for all the pain that others had brought down upon you.

I spoke your name finally - Kyle...

I held the air and wished it was you.

One year later.

This really happened, didn't it?

The horror. The despair. The darkest of my days and the lonliest of my nights.

I miss you terribly, I look for you - standing on the street corner, about to wave - your smile broadening, your eyes so crisp and blue, a chuckle and the gentle rising of your shoulders , then your hearty, delightful laugh...the way you spoke my name...

One year later, I need you to let me move on.

One year later, I need to give myself a chance to move on...

One year later, I can't cry anymore.

You will always be loved, you will always be reflected in my expressions, you will always be in my life, you will never be forgotten......

but please, let me - let you - go.

I'm still here - hurting, breathing, crying, trying, hoping, dreaming and I may have
30, 40, 50, 60 years left in me, I can't have them be like the last year that I have lived through. I have pained my family, friends and even passers-by.

I want the next - many years - to shine with love
and rain down on me with happiness...

I want to believe that the first 35 years were where I lived thru my pain and that now I have reached the other side, where the next 35 years are where I live through my love.