Tuesday, August 03, 2004

I need to sit down and write - there is so much to write, but it deserves it's moment and I want to express all that's been going on in my life and my head accurately.

One day I will re-read these words and that is the greatest purpose of my writing - as powerful as the ability to connect with others over like experiences, dreams and pain; so I can look back and understood who I was and what I was going thru at the time.

I'll be 35 in eleven days, I'll drive out to Palm Springs, lay by a pool, read, maybe have some dirty sex - and heal. Friday the 13th is the anniversary of HERO's suicide - how friggin appropo, I can't be in my house on the day at 5:45am...but I hit my low last week - a dirty, humiliating, dark, empty low and it made me furious - absolutely fucking crazed - I will not be controlled - by drugs, booze, depression, or myself.

At that moment I decided enough was enough - I had to purge myself of everything. I called my ex-therapist and asked him to help me to put an end to this - to redirect me, remind me that I have a future before I ended up dead.

So I want to write an entry that does the past two weeks justice - that is gritty and real and fucked up and probably will scare the shit out of my readers - just know the reason; I need to read that entry a year from now, when I'm in love and healthy and feel joy again - and here on this blog I'll see how bad things can get and it will be a high for me to know how far I've climbed out of this abyss.