Monday, June 02, 2003

I keep mullling these words over:

Be careful what you ask for

I would say "wish" but I gave up wishing a long time ago. The weekend was wonderful at the moments it wasn't meant to be and soul searching at all the wrong times. ASA (aka "The Brazilian") proved that nothing is what you hope it to be - he'll be gone by the next phone call. My wonderful, wonderful friends showed up in Laguna and made Saturday the night to remember. Not even sure where the Brazilian was half the night - but my friends - not even supposed to be there - were there. When I mentioned to C. how wonderful it was to be out of town and there with he and T. and M. - he smiled that smile that breaks all the other boys hearts (seriously) and said

"Baby - we all only came here to be with you"

- and you know what, he meant it.

The capper was when three other Phoenix boys ended up at the same exclusive (I know - whatever) birthday party at the Boom-Boom Room. One - never close to me - but knowing me for years made a statement earlier on the balcony of my friends hotel room -

"This is the nicest I've ever seen you"

- I was pretty pissed at the time. I called him on it later and he looked at me and said

"You misunderstood me - I wasn't slamming you - I think it's great this is the happiest I've ever seen you, the most accessible - it's like some dark cloud that's been over you - some weight or burden - was lifted and you can just tell how much better you feel - you can physically see it".

Funny. I never saw this comment coming - and once again, I believe he meant it. Suddenly whatever I am putting out is bringing back such honesty from people. I know I don't want to date, not at all, I needed to before - something was driving me - some sense that I had to have people after me so Lucky knew what he lost. In my heart I had the misconception that if I could truly make him feel - feel the way I did all that time, that he was my great love - for just one moment - I could take that from him and use it to cancel out my feelings - use it to put us on equal footing.

But you know what ?

Lucky never knew what he had. How am i after three and half years gonna teach him something he couldn't learn waking up next to me every morning. I'm still living for him, I'm still wondering and worse - caring - what he thinks of me, of us. I got it all wrong. The only one who needs to know he's on the short end of the stick is me.

I can't shake the feeling that something is happening: evolution, growth, healing.

Can you feel it to ?