Wednesday, February 19, 2003

I'm the son of an Irish Alcoholic and a Norwegian Agressor (meeting the back of the hand was common place for any back-talk or teenage indescretion) - it's ok, I'm beyond it...well I am when things are good. Yet when things I hold true and dear begin to crumble - like my relationship - I will admit I can feel the vines of dysfunctionality, creeping like cats claw over my conscience and better sense of well being.

A child of alcoholism and agression does either of two things when confronted with emotional pain - they look to what they find "medicinal" or what they find "destructive". Dysfunctional sure - but you know what - I can admit to it instead of hanging behind some cloak of ignorance where I say I'm just "partying it up with my buddies". I snorted through 7 grams of kitty in 7 days, I sucked down two Bloody Mary's at lunch today and then came back to work - no, it's probably not terribly healthy - but I'm aware - very aware of what is going on. When a doctor isn't close by prescribing medicine for our pain - we find ways to cure ourselves, it's instinct, it's the human condition.

No maybe not for all, maybe you go play racquet ball and watching your relationship of the past 3.5 years end is ok for you. Good for you - fucking, eh - your god-damn amazing.

I'm real - I'm hurting. I'm sick of believing in love - that I can be everything to someone who isnt even sure what they want and less of all that I even fill the bill.

Am I falling part ?? - no.

If you - as a reader, having read my most inner thoughts and honest moments - have any clue what I have 'survived' in 33 years on this earth and still have ended up being a mighty nice guy - than you know this will not kill me.

Maybe I might be getting a little James Dean on your ass over the next couple of months - sure, but hey - it's just like TV - switch the channel if you fucking want.