sur-re-al - adj. 1. : having the intense irrational reality of a dream   2. : of our relating to surrealism

pride - n 1. : CONCEIT   2. : justifiable self-respect   3. : elation over an act or possession   4. : haughty behavior : DISDAIN   5. : ostentatious display

lost - adj. 1. : not used, won, or claimed   2. : no longer possessed or known   3. : ruined or destroyed physically or morally   4. : DENIED; also: HARDENED   5. : unable to find the way; also: HELPLESS   6. : ABSORBED, RAPT   7. : not appreciated or understood

My going away parties begin tommorrow night, WOW - it's over, my "Year of Living Dangerously" - not quite (well the Chicago portion definately) - the first year of my life that I ever lived in a state not occupied by a relative (except for that second cousin who I still never had dinner with, which my Pop is gonna bitch about forever).

So here I sit in Hiroshima devastation, my cute little city apartment with the hardwood floors and funky fire-escape-esque balcony - that I'm still sure is haunted. God - I adored this little place. All my belongings covering the floor, boxes - some full, some open...wondering when those next two paychecks are spent - how am I gonna make it. Will I go from the life of Director to the life of a waiter? Will I drive my boyfriend insane or will he fall deeper in love with me? What will my AZ friends say, have they moved on, will they pity me behind my back, will they recognize me as the same guy who left his safe cocoon, or will they see how much I've grown and the man I've become (yeah - I'm avoiding the butterfly reference - too girly)

I need to - shit, I need to do so many things, I keep holding off - I don't want to hug Dan & Drew (my Chicago Father/Brother, Buddies/Siblings, Confidantes/Comrades) goodbye, Leslie & Mark - what am I gonna do without them (she - the most beautiful girl you'll ever see was in such shock last night), who will Ellena spare with? and will Mike & Jonah (what alternating heartache and happiness we brought to each others lives) make it in SFO on their own difficult journey?

I feel like I'm walking out in the middle of the movie, throwing an unfinished book out the window, writing a love letter and leaving out the adjectives...I'm gonna get weak soon, I'm gonna cry, I'm dreading saying the first goodbyes tomorrow - I can hear the little rips tearing into my heart.

I'll be fine, I have always been one of those guys who always ends up fine...but right now it's the moment in the movie, when the scene touches you and for a moment you lose your breath, your eyes well with tears and you squeeze your boyfriends hand for reassurance.