so it's like some cruel trip. I'm not stupid - I'm barely 4 weeks out of a three and half-year relationship and bachelor #1 is seducing me better then any man has in a long time. Points of evidence in his favor. A week and half ago I invited him over and made him dinner ( oh yeah - I can cook too), well mistakenly he left a wine glass by his chair in my TV room (which I subsequently dropkicked into my fireplace later that night after he left) - well when he showed up tonight he had purchased me 4 new wine glasses to apologize for his transgression. I swooned. Well actually I never swoon, I accepted them like it was nothing - but on the inside - I was like "OH MY FUCKING GOD !" - how could he be so sweet - so considerate. The only thing that made it better was that I had bought him card - a non-romatic, funny, "it's really cool to hang out with you because your a cool guy card". I thought about letting him spend the night and then I got a grip on my colder side and kicked him out. Tommorow we are going to the Cezanne exhibit - can you imagine - he's sweet and I get to be smart ? What gives??
Saturday, March 29, 2003
Thursday, March 27, 2003
Was emailed by the ex today.
He needs all the pet insurance policy information for the dog that used to be mine and that I have been paying for since we got her.
He also needed the information on the flight to PTown that I also paid for.
He included two "icon smiley faces "
I want to hit something or puke.
Trying to decide which to do first.
uh - if John Rutherford is stepping down - I can think of no other who would rock that job then me...
What's in a Number ?
..it's weird in what ways a man can affect me. How often intelligence or humor has turned me on over a big dick or a sweet ass (though I still really, really like both). Bachelor #1 spoke so eloquently, so efficiently and with such historical foundation on his views about american involvement in foreign countries in their effort to "spread" democracy - that I wanted to hump him then and there. We had intelligent conversation, then we had intellectual converation and finally, we had a candid conversation. He admitted he felt he was "aware" that sex hadn't happened yet. I assured him that it was restraint, not repulsion. I reminded him that I offer NO promises, NO future, but that I truly enjoy when his hands find their place holding mine in the movie theater, or the goodnight kiss, or the shared laugh over something inanely stupid.
So how do I go from this - to tomorrow's date - letting another charm me...all the while stealing moments of hatred for my ex in the back of my mind ?
Wednesday, March 26, 2003
...going to the movies with Bachelor # 1 tonight. I wonder if there is a discreet litmus test to see how deep he is - repeat after me "I really, really don't want anyone to get hurt".
Bachelor # 2 doesn't seem to think I blew it - I think he just doesn't get me, soooo he's trying to play it really cool now. He called, I called back - we made tenative plans for tomorrow night - whatever, if he wants to hang, cool.
I don't want a Bachelor # 3, I want to get laid - no strings. Last night during a great pump at the gym - I ran into a hottie I used to date right before Lucky. We had a long talk about both of us feeling really burned by our last relationships and how we really just wanted some good uncommited sex. Now right when I got back with Lucky - after the summer break - this hottie had made it known how badly he felt that he hadn't made it know that he wanted to get with me - little does he know, during the 10-15 minutes we talked I just kept thinking "Ask me to go home with you right now, and I more than gladly will".
My work days are flying by and my new diet - less carbs, less sugar, less caffine is kinda leaving me drained. I feel good about the body though - my tummy could be tighter - but I feel pretty sexy. Now if I can just get over the anxiety of the first guy seeing me naked. Starting to mull over a trip to Chi-Town for IML over Memorial weekend. Considering I have Palm Springs/ White Party in April, San Diego Pride in June and 4th of July in Ptown - a trip a month might be a little draining.
Maybe it's all actually a little draining - but I need to keep busy. The moments I'm alone feel so "alone". Normally it's ok - I enjoy my own company, but the other times when the house is quiet and there is no dog and I ask a question to the empty chair next to me about something on tv - I hear my question fall like a rock - unanswered by the stagnant air.
Monday, March 24, 2003
:: an anomalous list of thoughts by an anomalous guy ::
- The "oh-fucking-shit-I'm-fucking-single-and-I-fucking-miss-my-dog-blues" crashed through my front door on Sunday and I was not a pretty site.
- Shame because I had a blast playfully flirting with the self-proclaimed cock-tease and a much milder and subdued Sam
- The gay scene in Tucson could make "anyone" appreciate sex with livestock.
- Screw April Fools Day - it's quarterly bonus time - cough - the fucker -up.
- I think I blew it with Bachelor #2 - I'm just not ready to start having sleep overs no matter how hot you are.
- I've fallen in a mire I hoped to never see, clumsy, muddy, uncontrollable thoughts of hatred aimed at my ex.
- My house lost half it's life and all it's love when Baby scampered out that door, her food and water bowl still sit on my kitchen floor - I can't bring myself to put them away. Someone suggested to me lately that this aspect of my life has the perfect makings for a country song.
- When I told the guy at the house party on Saturday how much I appreciated the chance to play with their 6 week-old Yellow Lab puppy - I don't think he could have ever imagined how real I was being, shame.
- I've become heavily "naked" anxious - and amazingly stressed out about the first time I stand naked in the bedroom in front of another man.
- Charlies back - I find that oddly reassuring.
- I'm debating the beard for White Party next month.
- Thank GOD - Swish let me know he was alive, I was getting sick of hanging out in public restrooms looking for him.
- I'm really worried that Bachelor # 1 may be getting serious.
- I actually really, really like Nicole Kidman - but babe "are you trying to look like a cat or what?"
- I finally updated links and such, please send your obligatory thank you's in the form of a haiku.
- My unending crush on Jake Gyllenhaal seems to keep getting worse and worse - hit me.
- Engaging me in a professional work place to discuss my political and ethical viewpoint on the war with Iraq is about as smart as - well shit it's not, it's just fucking rude and stupid.
- Every time an episode of "Six Feet Under" ends I think - oh shit - now Mom and Dad are gonna ask me what a P.A. is next time I see them.
- I deleting the amazingly dark entry I wrote yesterday - which made me start thinking that we should have a collective site that we all share where we anonymously post the blog entries we think are too much for everyone else to handle.
- I'm over my list already.