I think HERO and I had our first fight last night.

Well not really a fight - more like a "moment".

Not like a sexy moment - though it did happen during sex.

We'd been going at it for awhile and it was all hot and fun at first, but it was late and I was tired and we'd been drinking and I have to admit - and I hate to admit this - but I just wanted him to come already. Have I mentioned, er, uh - he's 21.

Yeah, didn't think so.

Well I've never really worried about my sexual prowness but when your with someone whose all for getting it every single night (and day) - you start to get well, a little insecure. He scoffed when he heard me reference the little blue pill one night - so I've been doing all these performances "au naturale" and I got admit I'm showing a little wear-n-tear. I know it sounds more studly to say I'm an inhuman fuck machine who fucks 24-7-365, no matter sleet, snow, or economic downturns - but hey, I'm gonna be 34 in a month, I work my ass off all week long - come midnight on a work week, after a few drinks - I gotta admit my thought turns to snoozing - not snogging (that means fucking in some slang way - I'm sure of it).

So my mind starts to reel while I'm fucking him, how much longer can I keep this up ? When's my boy gonna cum already - and, um well this dizzying array of self-questioning takes my mind and too many blood cells off the task intended. Well uh, you know. Anyway moment stops - I take him back from the TV room where I had been fucking him over a chair and we go to my bedroom. Happily, he hops on and it's going fine, but now my mind is on what just happened back on the chair: "shit! shit! shit!". I'm wondering what he's thinking, suddenly I'm really feeling the age gap, my heads racing - so much so that, well, um - you know. So in my head I'm getting all defensive and angry and shit - why they fuck are we up this late? why do I feel so much pressure to perform evey night ? - and all the time I'm thinking "oh shit - it's finally happening - it's the first to go".

So HERO is playing it cool, probably thinking it's the booze - or maybe thinking it's not the booze - but thinking I better think he's thinking it's the booze. So I want to shoot myself in the head and I'm still kissing him and playing with his ass and trying to keep things hot (insert here: KILL ME) and I whisper in his ear "I wanna see you cum baby" and he tells me "no" - he wants to see me cum first. I'm thinking fucker - have you been in this room for the past ten minutes ??

So now I'm starting to feel like a show pony - an OLD, ON HIS WAY OUT TO THE PASTURE - show pony. I ask again "Come on baby - I'll cum after YOU, I wanna see you shoot that load". He says "no" again. Tells me he's happy to just be in bed with me and if we aren't BOTH gonna cum then he doesn't want to cum. (insert here: shoot the fucking show-pony now - PU IT OUT OF IT'S MISERY).

So I sigh and get up and go in the other room and wipe off. We take a shower together and I kinda let in to him - about anything:

It's immature to think that a guy doesn't have the right to just get his lover off,

That he'll be a lot wiser when he's older,

That I'm feeling a lot of pressure to put out every night

That he never makes my bed right (um, yeah - I seriously used that one)

...AND the whole time I'm thinking "Oh SHIT - I've lost it".

So, er, uh - what did you do last night ?

Sexier then Demi Moore (have you seen him in a Versace Thong !!!!) , more powerful then Terminator (actually I think Maria Shriver could take him in an arm wrestling match - unless it was over a sale item at Barneys) and as adorable as that little fish in Nemo (but so much tastier with a little garlic butter and lemon).........

He's back.

Yes, I had a great time in LB. Met tons of new people and even made a stop at the Abbey in LA on the way up. More drinking though then even I was used to (think 9am - uh, well to 6am) - that with a ton of sun from West Beach and I was fairly under the weather come Sunday night. HERO looked after me with an ALOE VERA back-rub and some much needed cuddling.

Back to a hectic work life and for some reason sleeping dreadfully. Tons of nightmares (think 28 Days Later and it's all you can dream about no matter how many times you wake up).

I finally watched "Circuit" last night (I know, I know - I take forever to get in the loop - Hey BTW what's this new musical CATS that all the kids are talking about ??). I have to admit I never expected it to have such an effect on me. I suppose as a party-boy retiree (or is that "escapee") - I had a hard time seeing the gross reality to alot of it. Waking up in a bathroom stall - a little lost on what happened the night before (though you so know the bouncers of Crowbar or any other major city club would have you on the curb within 15 minutes of falling out). I got upset enough that at the end of the movie I went to the other room to cry so HERO wouldn't see. I'm not sure what it really was. In reflection this morning, maybe just the fact that I should be dead. With at least 3 pretty dramatic fall-outs on GHB to my name - I am, and was lucky. Maybe it's all the times I thought I appeared 'together' at a bar, but between a bevy of "beers and bumps" was so far inside myself nothing I must have mumbled must have made sense. Maybe it's shame. Shame that I probably knew how bad I was getting and didn't really care if I just got worse. Shame that I must have hated myself so much - that feeling anything but who I was - was worth the close to $1,400 a month habit at it's peak. How did just taking a hit of ecstacy 4 years ago on New Years Eve become a habit ? And what of my desire to still do drugs. I haven't stopped. Not cold turkey. I don't buy anymore and I have distance myself from those influences - but if I'm drunk and it's offered to me by a friend or admirer - well sure. I still find myself craving the warm feeling, the distance from my problems, the lack of inhibition.

This weekend I partied.
There was coke,
there was pot,
there was ecstacy,
a bump of tina.

But like the lead actor in the film, how easy would it be to get pulled back in ?

I'm a much stronger person then I was after all the personal blows last year. I won't add a question mark to that sentence: I know and believe this to be true. I have conquered, even slain, many of my personal demons.

But what of the feelings that made me crave drugs - are they stronger then the experiences that tell me not to go back down the path? I should make mention that HERO doesn't do drugs - at all. It's not that he's stopped, it's that he never started. I had to keep pausing and explaining lingo and scenes throughout the film : that's a bullet honey, no-no he's smoking crystal now, oh actually that's just coke. In his sweet farm-boy way he asked what their like and I found myself cutting short the explanantions as I found myself wanting to not just describe them, but do them with him. To feel him under me - fucking away on G. To dance to Tony Moran with him in my arms each of us in a K-Hole. To get tweaked out of our brains when we can't take a step further when the clock hit 8am on a Sunday morning at a circuit party - to only find ourselves able to go another 6 hours.

I wanted to corrupt him. I wanted to show him the darker side of things - the sexy under belly if you will. Then I thought of that night - that magical night with Lucky at the Sony Pavaillion in SFO for Mondo Millenium New Years Eve 2000. It was gonna be just a hit and then ok maybe just a bump - but I'll never do 'G' or 'Tina'. Four months later at White Party we did 'Tina' - just a bit - we didn't want to miss the next party - we were up for three days. Six months after that standing at La Cage with the only hot couple in Milwaukee, sure "OK - I'll try G"...and it was good and I found I didn't want to be in a club (or a bathouse) without it. And then last summer, I could find any of them in my house at a given time: Coke, Crystal, Ecstacy, G. I would lie to my boyfriend about whatever I was on - knowing I wasn't allowed to do G - claiming I was slipped a mickey when I fell out on Halloween. Once I convinced my ex to go to couples counseling after a few bumps of K - it would open us up I said. There were good times on drugs - to many of them. Walking home in the snow with my buddies, after a bar, as the sun rose over the Chicago skyline - rolling, laughing, my body so alive. Hearing Lucky say I love you for the first time on the dance floor - Lighthouse Family singing in the background "You and me will be - together for enternity - together we wil be so Hiiiigggghh" . 'Kitty Vision' at a friends house for movie night friends and bumpers. They were great times.

And now I feel like I've shut the door on them...

and it's harder to feel those things

- that way

- again.