Blogger going downhill (scenes from Laguna Beach)....

More Misbehavin'

Worth a bit of pain. I fucking love, LOVE my new tatt (an enlargement of the old tatt)....the fire and sun is burning bigger, better and bolder - hmmm, I think it means something, eh ?

 

 

.....so I was being nice and mellow at home waiting to check out the adorable Seann William Scott (damn that boy is looking fine - please tell me he was bending JT over backstage) when one of my friends decides to go off on me (actually let's call him "ex" friend) - I can't even remember the last time I've ever had a friend get mad at me - I think I was 28 or something - and unlike this - that was merited. So T. and C. call and want me to meet for drinks and I cancel the night at home since I start bouncing off walls when my ire is up. Well a very good time indeed later. I get home - and crash.

But oops - I forgot something.

Upon waking this morning I noticed I had stripped down in front of my computer last night - boots, FCUK jeans, "Soul Rebel" t-shirt, a box of half-eaten Snyder Hard Pretzels laying on the floor - and then like Donkey Kong with a hammer - it hits me.

I sent a drunken email.

Not just any email.

Not just to any person.

To the Ex.

Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit.

He had been at my gym last night. We didn't speak. I held my cool and did my full work-out. I maintained the same distance I have for over three months of silence.

I'm not even really sure what I said - but I guarantee that spelling, grammar and punctuation were not present.

The jist. Oh damn - this is weak. I swear I have done nothing psycho like this the whole time - and well it wasn't psycho - it was human.

It went something like this:

It hurt like hell to see you at the gym tonight. I fucking hate you sometimes, but the reality is - you'd be a fool not to know I will always fucking love you.

I'm think it went like that.

I probably used the "F" bomb a lot more though.

"Maybe"
- Allison Krauss and Union Station
(Gordon Kennedy/Phil Madeira)

Yesterday the odds were stacked
In favor of my expectations
Flyin' above the rest
Never fallin' from the nest
Tuesday came and went and now
I'm in a little situation
Maybe it's for the best
I can live alone, I guess

Maybe I can stand alone
Maybe I'm strong as stone
Even though the bird has flown
Maybe he'll fly on home

Forgive me if I'm keeping you
Apart from better conversation
Hung up on all my doubt
Trying to sort the whole thing out
Tell me that I'm smart enough
To deal with all the information
Spinning inside my head
Every word he ever said

Maybe I can stand alone
Maybe I'm strong as stone
Even though the bird has flown
Maybe he'll fly on home

Maybe I can stand alone
Maybe I'm strong as stone
Even though the bird has flown
Maybe he'll fly on home

I keep mullling these words over:

Be careful what you ask for

I would say "wish" but I gave up wishing a long time ago. The weekend was wonderful at the moments it wasn't meant to be and soul searching at all the wrong times. ASA (aka "The Brazilian") proved that nothing is what you hope it to be - he'll be gone by the next phone call. My wonderful, wonderful friends showed up in Laguna and made Saturday the night to remember. Not even sure where the Brazilian was half the night - but my friends - not even supposed to be there - were there. When I mentioned to C. how wonderful it was to be out of town and there with he and T. and M. - he smiled that smile that breaks all the other boys hearts (seriously) and said

"Baby - we all only came here to be with you"

- and you know what, he meant it.

The capper was when three other Phoenix boys ended up at the same exclusive (I know - whatever) birthday party at the Boom-Boom Room. One - never close to me - but knowing me for years made a statement earlier on the balcony of my friends hotel room -

"This is the nicest I've ever seen you"

- I was pretty pissed at the time. I called him on it later and he looked at me and said

"You misunderstood me - I wasn't slamming you - I think it's great this is the happiest I've ever seen you, the most accessible - it's like some dark cloud that's been over you - some weight or burden - was lifted and you can just tell how much better you feel - you can physically see it".

Funny. I never saw this comment coming - and once again, I believe he meant it. Suddenly whatever I am putting out is bringing back such honesty from people. I know I don't want to date, not at all, I needed to before - something was driving me - some sense that I had to have people after me so Lucky knew what he lost. In my heart I had the misconception that if I could truly make him feel - feel the way I did all that time, that he was my great love - for just one moment - I could take that from him and use it to cancel out my feelings - use it to put us on equal footing.

But you know what ?

Lucky never knew what he had. How am i after three and half years gonna teach him something he couldn't learn waking up next to me every morning. I'm still living for him, I'm still wondering and worse - caring - what he thinks of me, of us. I got it all wrong. The only one who needs to know he's on the short end of the stick is me.

I can't shake the feeling that something is happening: evolution, growth, healing.

Can you feel it to ?