bags packed.
cooler stuffed.
workouts done.
party supplies received.

I'm happily speeding my shiny black car towards an epiphany
or two.

it pays to get connected. went to ACME with P. so she could hook up with the sexy bartender T. - he in turn introduced me to the tatto artist who did most of the tat's for Linkin Park...I'll be having a consultation with him next week to take my current tat to "extreme bad boy tat levels"

oh and BTW - I donated my hard-earned moola to these fine people yesterday, did you ?

...and so it begins - or began last night. I began the final round of shopping for white clothes, swimsuits, shorts and anything that would get me laid this weekend in Palm Springs (White Party 2003) - ok I was kidding about the last part - no, you weren't - yes, I was - no, weren't ....uh, nevermind.


...considering how little I worked out during the house guest - I'm looking "ok". Not Titan Media Porn Star "Hot" like I originally hoped and planned, but I still have three more work outs to get in and a couple of outfits that have a little vroooooom


Had dinner and went shopping with BN1 last night - he really is just the greatest guy - literally acted like watching me try on swimsuits and shorts was fun and kept running to get me varying sizes and cuts. This has to put me pretty low on the masculinity scale saying this - but really - a good man is one you can take shopping. end of really gay moment.


BN3 is the first "giver of the card". Drove cross town to leave a card on my door for when I got home from work with lots of sexy and sweet shit written in it. Subsequently he's the one who has been given sleep over status - twice.


Kinda blew of any efforts to pursue anything with BN4 & BN5, it's all getting kinda tricky and draining - if there's meant to be another "bachelor" in the mix it'll work out that way without my effort.


So anyway - no posts after tomorrow. Have a great week and if I'm seeing ya in Palm Springs make sure to say startle me and say "Hi HCL" - you'll freak me out at first, but I'll get used to it

...it's there. somewhere in the back of my mind. usually when I'm at my most tired - not sleepy tired - "run-around" tired. those times when you feel like you've been just running for weeks and weekends on end. dates. dinners. movies. partying. things to do, so much to do. suddenly you catch a glimpse of your reflection in a big store window and when you see yourself - you think "what is he running from?"

but then you know. he's running from you. he's being running from you since the day those words fell from his lips and the door between you was closed. when I'm really tired - like this - it's the only time you get back in. a memory of laughing together at something. of 'pillow talk'. of holding your hand. and for that moment I let go of the hatred and a sadness takes place as I miss you. miss being known by you.

i had my first 'sleep-over' - it wasn't planned or organized - it just kinda went that way. and it was nice and odd at the same time. how perfect to have the first sleep-over not even be in my bed - but me and he in the spare room on an air-matress, while the house guest slept peacefully in my bed. the bed you once shared with me. when i rolled over in to him and pulled him closer - he slept softly. larger, stronger - it seemed odd. he could protect himself. my arms around him were merely comforting. we would misunderstand each others movements, yet then fall in to step - waking, then kissing the others rising back or resting forehead - then falling back asleep.

and when the sun asked not to be ignored and fell more abundantly from around the window shades - he and I woke to each other. and you in that moment weren't there.