...ok, ok, if you read my last post - let's be up front I was carving out a k-hole (it's amazing I had the will to write), but I was soo caught up in this vision I had that I wanted to squeeze out the juices of it and see if it was drinkable. Overall the idea wasn't bad, but was still inadaquately conveyed in relation to the jumble of words and phrases trapped in my head to describe and relate it. (Tyler and Chad - man, my run on sentences must make your heads spins!)

...anyway - now I have a big steaming cup of black joe and have wolfed down a delicious PB&J, so let me begin again.

Somewhere between bumps and rewatching Laz Burman's retelling of Shakespeares 'Romeo & Juliet' and Oprah (the 1am airing) and 'Longtime Companion' I felt caught up in the emotional action of "suppression".

Watching the modern retelling of the Bard's classic tale of lovers woe you can't help but think that as our parent's children we feel so "duty-bound" to follow some set script they have for our words and our actions. When we so suddenly attempt to force open those doors and live our lives - rebelliously so - as ours, but still subconciously carry such a deepseated need for their approval - we fall into tragic or unfortunate circumstances. No we don't drink lye - or whatever - or hey was it 'G' that Romeo sucked down upon the vision of fair Juliet laying in her mock death bed, but we attempt to negotiate ourselves, our loved ones and our behavior, and as I recall - isn't negotiation primarily used as a tactic in hostage scenarios ?? So are we the 'hostage' or the hostage negotiator ? But it's this sense of negotiation that is tragic, we take so long to accept ourselves as we are - gay men (and women - I really need to start realizing and respecting that I have lesbian readers - sorry 'bout that), that we have grown used to daily negotiations and inconvienences to who we really are to meet the standards of others (family, co-workers, neighbors, strangers).

I mean - do you really think that your straight brother or sister ponders what they wear to Thanksgiving ?? I would wear a tie - but is that totally gay of me, I would wear my favorite tight beaten up well worn green t-shirt - but is that totally gay of me - or hell should I wear the Manhole t-shirt from last Friday night - now really that would be really gay of me - wouldn't it ?? Of course I know the suggestions for clothing are far reaching - but the fact is I HAVE to think about it first. I mean more importantly it's what I'm not bringing to Thanksgiving Dinner - my boyfriend. Somehow - with his family coming in town and my family already here - we just accepted that for all basic purposes - that we would celebrate the holiday seperately. On the day when I most have to ask what I am to be thankful for - one of the most important things is him.

So Oprah was about 'stepping out of your box', overcoming fears, and I kept thinking how can I translate this to these thoughts - well that and come on now honey WHITE WOMEN can come out of their box toooo gurl! -(ok - like I said it was 1am and I was high - I was going along for the ride). So now it's after 1am and my mind is still seeking and I thumbed through my DVD's and decided to rewatch 'Longtime Companion' - well actually first I thought about watching 'The War of the Roses' again to snap out of the funk - but I really, really wanted to ride the K out.

So I'm rewatching Campbell Scott (who really makes a lousy gay man) and Dermot Mulroney (who REALLY makes a great gay man) and the Mary Louise Parker (so baby-faced and young and even then a scene stealer and a potential sub-tier goddess) and I placed my friends faces and names on these people - and as the tragedy of the AIDS epidemic unfolded I thought about being twelve and gay and sexual active and first hearing the strains of "the gay cancer" wafting over a bright yellow school bus radio - I remember the tightening of my chest. I suspect with all honesty I was the only 8th grader on the bus that day thinking he was about to truly die for his sins - well maybe. I had just started sucking dick and it was already going to kill me. I had a FAMILY at the time to go to. BUT NOT A GAY FAMILY - not the family that we create for OURSELVES - those cherished friends and lovers who become friends and friends who become lovers and so on and so on. I didn't have a family I could confess my fears to, tell my dreams to, be honest with about who I really was. I had to ride out this terror that every man I touched was a death sentence alone. What I had then was The Montagues and the Capulets - a family that wanted to only know me and see me as they saw me.

So here I am and movie night has become some greater sense of something that I intended to blog about and put into words - but I kept writing and rewriting and couldn't find this statement.

There is only one true family to share the holidays with ...and it is the family that we created for ourselves.

Personal negotiation is character assasination. Justified inconviences that we take at the holidays - taking down the pictures from the White Party, the one of you and your boyfriend shirtless on a beach - or in a wig, putting away questionable books and movies, wearing this tie over that t-shirt. We box up some of our most treasured and beloved experiences for what - to not make our parents or siblings uncomfortable with who we are ??? It's wrong - it's just plain wrong that we feel a need to do that. And not spending a day intended for giving thanks with the person and the people we love is just plain cruel.


I think I got my thought out, I think I see it right here on my computer screen.

Thanks for letting me share.

Fag
Cocksucker
Butt Pirate
Pervert
Sodomite
Pansy
Faggot
Queer
Sissy

At moments in my life - both grandiose and insignificant, self-effacing and self-involved - I become so enthralled with who it is I'm trying/growing/hoping/pretending/focusing myself to be - that being succcessful, being "straight-acting", carrying on as if I was "normal" - actually seem attainable and pertinent attributes. Through it all perhaps somehow I forget one simple fact - to others - I'm still the 'gay guy' no matter what I say or do. As the holidays crush down upon us - the seperation between gay and straight becomes more evident or for some - more hidden.. We negotiate ourselves, our actions, our being. We become part of that larger family unit created through forced cohesion brought on by the holidays...but we arrive alone to the dinners, or more discreetly with a partner - a friend - in tow...and attempt to not push buttons and boundaries. We play our part as Sons and Uncles, Brothers and Cousins. We smile at our siblings children, applauding their efforts, patting their backs as we schedule bar time after Turkey to make it all bearable. We attempt to feel, even just a little - not out of place. So we forget - or we downplay - who we are - we are gay. We suspend kissing in public, and take down 'certain' pictures, we drop the endearments and push something intangible to who we are to the back of our minds til after coffee and cake. We give a back seat to the men that will be holding our hand when we die - to give the upper hand to a hetero sibling who managed to remember to bring pumpkin pie.

I am a Gay Man.

And somehow through the holidays I manage to be so much more....

I have "family" beyond my bloodline
And I have that to truly be thankful for.

....I feel like I'm at a loss for what I want to blog about lately. A great idea will surge in to my head about my "Top Ten Most Embarrassing Moments Ever" and then it will fade away, I'll write some clever one act play about absolutely nothing - and then decide it'll only humor me, I decide to share a poignant remembrance from the past and then think - eh, it's to whiny. So then I ended up not blogging at all - bloggus interruptus. There's stress all around these days: crushing work pressures, the IN-LAWS coming to town for Turkey Day, the coming together of my own terribly dysfunctional family, all that the holidays bring on and then just the everyday pressures of trying to be a better friend, boyfriend, son, employee, boss. So instead I find myself worrying about why I watch a movie called "Thirteen Conversations About One Thing" and it ends and I have no fucking clue what the "one thing" was ! I sit back in horror that 100 people have died in riots over something as trivial as the 'Miss World' pageant. I read Business Week and feel conflicted that Fox is making headway in his fight to recapture Mexico from the lawless ways of the drug cartel - I mean I don't want kids on crack or poverty or violence at the borders - but honestly I like most drugs. I watch "Bowling For Columbine" (with HER nonetheless) and I laugh and I clap and get choked up at all the write places - but then think - even Mike Moore can "spin doctor" a controversial subject - so where is the answer? I jerk off and think - if I watch "barebacking" porn am I endorsing poor safe-sex practices through my consumer dollar ? My head spins - my though pattern bobs, then weaves, then bobs again...and then I'm wondering if Traci Gold had stayed chubby if she would be still acting today ??

When I grow up I want to be:
A Star Fucker
A Fireman
A Sodomite
An English Professor
A Good Husband
A Bad Boy
A Chef
A Revolutionary
A Spin Doctor
A Porn Star
A Hustler
A Runaway
An Indie Movie Star
A Humanitarian

as always - you - crack me up...and DAMN why a pairing ?? all 4 look good.

i love my husband
i love my husband
i love my husband
i love my husband
i love my husband
oooo' fuck there is still temptation out there....yum,yum,yum........
i wanted to be very very very naughty but i love my husband - though the HOT ITALIAN rubbing up against my crotch made my vision blurry

Ok - when I don't smile in pictures I just end up looking mean or confused....going out to the leather bars with my buddy Mike - picture proof.

.....Breathe.
.....giggle.
.....breathe.
.....giggle
.....BREATHE.

Snuck out of work 45 minutes early today and purchased some sexy lil BR sweaters (why I'm wearing one right now!)
Going to have dinner with my boy and then taking him and another couple to go see 'Cirque Du Soleil' under the big tent, maybe a few beers afterwards.

b-r-e-a-t-h-e.

The work stress has moved from bad to vicious. Overtime just makes room for more work and more mountainous projects. I have to appear in court next month in a nasty lawsuit that has nothing to do with my company but involves an ex-employee of the company (whom I have never even met to boot), I just spent 4 days arguing with the phone company when suddenly and for no explanation we lost long distance service to - only - our fax machine (unfortunately my industry still thinks email is "high tech"). I have 3 quarters of results and papertrail to get to the CPA's, but no time to do it and the owner is leaving for 3 weeks in Europe in just 4 business days. I am stressed. I hung up on the owner of the company in a brief fit of rage yesterday. I sat up with my paperwork and a few beers til 11pm last night - my boy looked on concerned - I'm developing permanent hand marks on my face from constantly burying my face in my hands in digust at all the work to be done. I know, I know....

Breathe.
breathe.
BREATHE.

....uh not only is he back. he's recounting some of the wildest stories I've heard happen to a person since the time I was mistaken for an armed bank robber.

A StarFucks Epiphany

Me (devoid of my morning cup O’Joe) : mumbles incomprehensibly “Moooooooorning”

StarFucks Clerk: perky as all shit (what do they mainline this shit?): “Good Morning to YOU!”

Me: “Yeah can I get an enormous cup of classic irony with steaming hot neurosis and a splash of unresolved guilt?”

SFC: “Ok a Venti Slap of Reality with low-fat humiliation and a splash of deep ceded shame!”

Me: “NOOOO…. I asked for an enormous cup of classic irony with steaming hot neurosis and a splash of unresolved guilt.”

SFC: “OK then…..a Grande sense of no direction, half self-doubt, half poor self esteem!”

Me: “UH….can I just have a cup of black coffee”

SFC: “Sure – your soul please”

Me: "Can you make change ?"

....this sucks. 8pm still at work. Buried, buried, buried.

Miles to go before I blog,
Miles to go before I sleep.

Oh ALB....pretending I asked you those questions - really now. When will this mad crush end ?? Next you'll surface with mocked up love notes from me, a copy of a restraining order, a rabbit in a crock pot...

What is the method to your madness ?

E..verything
I...ssssssssssssssssssssss
S...ooooooo
H...ectic, lately.

I'm going pretty crazy - considering moving to at least a 6 day work week for the next couple of months...boss is leaving for Europe for 3 weeks on the 20th and after just coming off our highest revenue generating month in 13 months (90% increase in revenue and 109% increase in GP over one year ago) things are a blur. I'm feeling exhausted 90% of the time...contract negotiations, losing clients, lawsuits, behind on quarterly tax preperations - always something to keep you harried. Somehow still managing to squeak out a love life and the gym 5 days a week - but feeling frazzled. Voted..hope you did to! Can't believe I actually was cold enough to wear a sweater tonight - maybe fall has come to AZ.

The Big Three Year anniversary with Lucky went well. Very simple - though of course my heart was racing as tried to make the letter a masterpiece - and loving. I entitled my letter "My Promise to You" and blah, blah, blah (I'm not going in to the details) and wrote some really sweet shit about us then and now and for the future. I "photoshop-ed" it and added pictures of us and made it all frame worthy...he was very taken a back and very genuinely moved by the words and *glowing* told me it was the most beautiful thing anyone had ever given him.

So I guess maybe I'm "a keeper" after all.

...finally heaven....beautiful, beautiful, beautiful...

Boyfriends turn to pick the movie last night - he picked "Ghost Ship"....I have completely rethought our relationship.

Actually... I have tappered off on my rushing into a proposal - I'm a dork - maybe as gay men we take the concept to litely. We are discussing rings - something that would give some public semblance that we are "together". He feels economically uncomfortable with the purchase of expensive "promise" rings right now and even more uncomfortable with me forking out the cash for both. This whole process must seem simpler in hetero relationships where the norms of society dictate the man handle the proposal process. We agree we would like to have a commitment ceremony "sometime" next year - just no exact dates.

So in lieu of all that I'm planning to go the other direction and concentrate on my feelings and how to share them - I know this is sounding sappy - but gimme a break it's not the first time my site has taken a turn down that road. I think people would be surprised at my demeanor in the real world and how hard I find it to share my thoughts and feelings. I've written him a letter - explaining all he's been to me in the last three years - all I want to be for him in the coming 70 years and that after 3 years - all flirtations aside - he is the only man I want to wake up to and good to bed with everyday.

No expensive gifts or lavish dinners - just me standing there in front of him laying it on the line.

..so, um yeah....the 'Gil Gerard' thing was uh - made up....

...not quite sure I understand the "How's & Do's" of this one, but in a scant 3 days - I will have known my boyfriend for 3 years...in celebration I would like to - well propose.

(um - it got really quiet in here or is it just me ??)

So - I'm blurry on how to go about this. We haven't talked much about our anniversary - but a month ago he made it clear he wanted to "see a ring on his finger"...so I accept that. I want only him (well I mean in the Real World) - I'm keeping all my cyber boyfriends. But what the fuck do I do? How do I say it ? Where? When?

If I buy the rings without him I'm concerned I'm emasculating him - If I buy the rings with him - I'm worried it just seems like a trip to the mall.

I have two venues set for the ceremony (Royal Palms or Elements at sunset) which we have agreed would be on our 4th anniversary....ugh, it should seem more romantic and spontaneous than this shouldn't it ??

Oh what a night last night was - sigh. Good times, good times.



For the 14th consecutive year I went as Gil Gerard of 'Buck Rogers' fame, not as Buck Rogers though, no that would understate his genius...no just as good old Gil Gerard.
Oh man - o - man how the crowds eyed me. I could hear the cat calls and the hungry whispers. That's just the effect that 'Gil Gerard' had on people - like being inches from a star. I beamed radiantly - confidant in my sansabelt slacks and velour shirt (just enough of the old chest hair showing to drive the girls and hey guys too - crazy). If I could of had a dime for ever passer-by who marveled at the arch of my perfectly feathered hair - I would chuckle - "Here touch it - it's made of glass - no really!"

Oh what a night, what a night....

a little music shopping was added to tonight's agenda:

• Tracy Chapman: "Let It Rain"
  
• Alison Moyet: "Hometime"
  
• Dusty Springfield: "Dusty In Memphis"
  
• Cafe Roma: "An Italian Chill Out Experience"