Yep - truth is stranger than fiction.

Every life should have a little "Hope"


 

One entry found for codify.


Main Entry: cod·i·fy
Pronunciation: 'kä-d&-"fI, 'kO-
Function: transitive verb
Inflected Form(s): -fied; -fy·ing
Date: circa 1800
1 : to reduce to a code
2 a : SYSTEMATIZE b : CLASSIFY
- cod·i·fi·abil·i·ty /"kä-d&-"fI-&-'bi-l&-tE, "kO-/ noun
- cod·i·fi·ca·tion /-f&-'kA-sh&n/ noun

Oh Yeah - Well FUCK you !!

Marriage is such a "HOLY" thing - that's why divorce is more prevelant then cargo pants, we suggest "tax credits" to "welfare mothers" to push them to marry, we televise "proposals based on competition" (Bachelor/Bachelorette), "marriage based on national audience participation" ( Married by America), and vie on the Today Show to chat with Katie Couric and have every moment of our special "holy" day planned by a morning show.

I HATE the FUCKING Church - have always hated the fucking church - and am so sick of the right-wing, religious front, conservative sect of out nation and our world - squirming at even a hint of our acceptance. When is the last time you heard of the homosexual community being linked to genocide, starvation, civil liberties abuse, execution, terrorism or hell even Weapons of Mass Destruction (though admittedly I have met a guy or two who really - really might be in the running) ?

The Church needs to see the true enemy - it's easy, just hold the mirror up to your pious face.

and if there is a God - I only have one question: "TOP or BOTTOM" ?

...and so it can be.

I looked at him, in many ways as I had so many times, yet - as if I never had before.

I had done it, I had sat through dinner and conversation with Lucky - and even at points enjoyed it. He could see it, I could tell.

I was genuinely happier, stronger, more optimistic to embrace a future that once frightened me.

He went to mention at the end that he knew. He had heard there was someone else and he was happy for me. It felt forced on his part - which made it easier to tell him - that, honestly, there wasn't . I didn't need to tell him that I officially had ended it with HERO on Sunday morning, I didn't need to tell him tonight - peacefully I would sleep alone in my bed for the first time in 5 weeks - I only "wanted" to tell him that my happiness was emanating from me - not from or because of another.

As we sat at the wine bistro, it had begun, finally Arizona was about to get it's first true monsoon.

The wind whipped
trees fell folly
and the rain poured down - unafraid of either.

I looked at Lucky and I said, "Can we do one last thing?"

When he questioned what, I asked:

"Can we just walk out in to this storm - that rain - and can we just let it wash all of this away...can we just start fresh as friends ?"

We didn't make it a foot out the door and it drenched us - fashion gone to hell, bygones - just gone and we both laughed gleefully at how clean, how real, how beautiful it felt. I made him walk with me to my car and I gave him a song by East Mountain South about letting go and moving on:

"You only have to listen to it once", I said - "...but, please - listen to it now"

I climbed into my car, and through sheets of rain - I watched my past walk away.

...taking HERO to San Diego Pride, be back Monday. Y'all have a great weekend.

The worst thing about an honest question is meeting it with an honest answer.

Often enough, because the solitary moment (s) that follow will be painful.

I made HERO cry last night.

I suppose I should follow the logic that I can’t make anyone feel or do anything, but in my response to his question, I gave HERO a “reason” to cry.

Intoxicated and somewhat brash, he asked me if I thought I eventually would fall in love with him, or even now when I reflect on it – maybe – it was rhetorical and the question was stated more like “You’re not going to fall in love with me – are you ?”

It’s seems embarrassing that I can’t remember the sequence those nine or ten little words were stated in.

With my head cocked to the side and my eyes drifting to the street – I told him I knew I wasn’t going to fall in love with him. That somewhere last week, my mind met that street and crossed it, and now I was on the other side looking back.

He didn’t hold back.

He let it all out.

I held him in my arms as his shoulders heaved, his body sighed and he sobbed.

Howard Dean asks 16 questions, seems like he could have extended it to 116 - but then again George's attention span isn't that encompassing (and if there's a pretty ball of yarn around - expect him to answer no more than two questions)

Don'tcha hate it when some scandal erupts between your friends and your the one key person that everyone else feels comfortable divulging all the "true facts" too. Of course your sworn to secrecy by each individual party and you of course you live up to that - but everytime your cell rings you have to keep clicking back and forth between the relevant parties.

Where is Mary J. Blige to sing "No More Drama" ???

Ok - I've been quiet this past week, which as always means somethings up.

HERO kinda pulled a stunt last week that I've tried to move past - but in all I think made me realize though he's a wonderful, wonderful guy - he's got so much to learn about being in a relationship and I'm not sure I really feel like being his testing ground. Now I might have forgotten to mention another hitch to this story - um, see HERO really didn't have any place in Phoenix to stay during his summer break from college so I've been letting him live with me. Ok - not my smartest decision - I swear at the time it seemed like a really kind gesture and I figured he would be really busy with other things so it wouldn't feel like he was in my hair. Um, I was wrong. He's in my hair, my sink, my closets, my bathroom, my shoes, my bed - he's, uh - everywhere, every minute of every day. He means well, he really does - but I like living alone and though I adore him - he just seems like a lil 21 year old Tornado in my house. Anyway - I offered to let him stay the summer and I'm gonna live up to my word - he's done some stupid stuff that has made me realize this doesn't really have a future - but he's done nothing to deserve not being treated well and with respect.

...and well there's been some other interesting developments as well, but I'll save those for another time.

.... all is well. HERO and I had a really good conversation on Friday afternoon - where instead of silence or holding back - I really explained how embarrassing the situation had been for me and how afterwards I lashed out merely out of personal insecurity and a need to regain some measure of control. When he looks in my eyes and speaks to me - I can see nestled among the crisp, ice blue flares that encircle his eyes - his love for me (a word that hasn't been used between us since that night).

It was unusual for me to communicate so freely outside of this blog, but I approached it with the same humor and humility that I approached that entry.

I'm falling very hard for this young man.

Thanks to all, for some very insightful and humourous responses.

BTW - if you haven't seen SPELLBOUND, the Academy-Award Nominated Documentary on the 1999 Scripps Howard National Spelling Bee and the path it took eight of it's adolescent contestants from varying social and economic backgrounds to get there....PLEASE do. It will do more for your sense of human spirit then watching 'Legally Blonde Two" could ever do.

I think HERO and I had our first fight last night.

Well not really a fight - more like a "moment".

Not like a sexy moment - though it did happen during sex.

We'd been going at it for awhile and it was all hot and fun at first, but it was late and I was tired and we'd been drinking and I have to admit - and I hate to admit this - but I just wanted him to come already. Have I mentioned, er, uh - he's 21.

Yeah, didn't think so.

Well I've never really worried about my sexual prowness but when your with someone whose all for getting it every single night (and day) - you start to get well, a little insecure. He scoffed when he heard me reference the little blue pill one night - so I've been doing all these performances "au naturale" and I got admit I'm showing a little wear-n-tear. I know it sounds more studly to say I'm an inhuman fuck machine who fucks 24-7-365, no matter sleet, snow, or economic downturns - but hey, I'm gonna be 34 in a month, I work my ass off all week long - come midnight on a work week, after a few drinks - I gotta admit my thought turns to snoozing - not snogging (that means fucking in some slang way - I'm sure of it).

So my mind starts to reel while I'm fucking him, how much longer can I keep this up ? When's my boy gonna cum already - and, um well this dizzying array of self-questioning takes my mind and too many blood cells off the task intended. Well uh, you know. Anyway moment stops - I take him back from the TV room where I had been fucking him over a chair and we go to my bedroom. Happily, he hops on and it's going fine, but now my mind is on what just happened back on the chair: "shit! shit! shit!". I'm wondering what he's thinking, suddenly I'm really feeling the age gap, my heads racing - so much so that, well, um - you know. So in my head I'm getting all defensive and angry and shit - why they fuck are we up this late? why do I feel so much pressure to perform evey night ? - and all the time I'm thinking "oh shit - it's finally happening - it's the first to go".

So HERO is playing it cool, probably thinking it's the booze - or maybe thinking it's not the booze - but thinking I better think he's thinking it's the booze. So I want to shoot myself in the head and I'm still kissing him and playing with his ass and trying to keep things hot (insert here: KILL ME) and I whisper in his ear "I wanna see you cum baby" and he tells me "no" - he wants to see me cum first. I'm thinking fucker - have you been in this room for the past ten minutes ??

So now I'm starting to feel like a show pony - an OLD, ON HIS WAY OUT TO THE PASTURE - show pony. I ask again "Come on baby - I'll cum after YOU, I wanna see you shoot that load". He says "no" again. Tells me he's happy to just be in bed with me and if we aren't BOTH gonna cum then he doesn't want to cum. (insert here: shoot the fucking show-pony now - PU IT OUT OF IT'S MISERY).

So I sigh and get up and go in the other room and wipe off. We take a shower together and I kinda let in to him - about anything:

It's immature to think that a guy doesn't have the right to just get his lover off,

That he'll be a lot wiser when he's older,

That I'm feeling a lot of pressure to put out every night

That he never makes my bed right (um, yeah - I seriously used that one)

...AND the whole time I'm thinking "Oh SHIT - I've lost it".

So, er, uh - what did you do last night ?

Sexier then Demi Moore (have you seen him in a Versace Thong !!!!) , more powerful then Terminator (actually I think Maria Shriver could take him in an arm wrestling match - unless it was over a sale item at Barneys) and as adorable as that little fish in Nemo (but so much tastier with a little garlic butter and lemon).........

He's back.

Yes, I had a great time in LB. Met tons of new people and even made a stop at the Abbey in LA on the way up. More drinking though then even I was used to (think 9am - uh, well to 6am) - that with a ton of sun from West Beach and I was fairly under the weather come Sunday night. HERO looked after me with an ALOE VERA back-rub and some much needed cuddling.

Back to a hectic work life and for some reason sleeping dreadfully. Tons of nightmares (think 28 Days Later and it's all you can dream about no matter how many times you wake up).

I finally watched "Circuit" last night (I know, I know - I take forever to get in the loop - Hey BTW what's this new musical CATS that all the kids are talking about ??). I have to admit I never expected it to have such an effect on me. I suppose as a party-boy retiree (or is that "escapee") - I had a hard time seeing the gross reality to alot of it. Waking up in a bathroom stall - a little lost on what happened the night before (though you so know the bouncers of Crowbar or any other major city club would have you on the curb within 15 minutes of falling out). I got upset enough that at the end of the movie I went to the other room to cry so HERO wouldn't see. I'm not sure what it really was. In reflection this morning, maybe just the fact that I should be dead. With at least 3 pretty dramatic fall-outs on GHB to my name - I am, and was lucky. Maybe it's all the times I thought I appeared 'together' at a bar, but between a bevy of "beers and bumps" was so far inside myself nothing I must have mumbled must have made sense. Maybe it's shame. Shame that I probably knew how bad I was getting and didn't really care if I just got worse. Shame that I must have hated myself so much - that feeling anything but who I was - was worth the close to $1,400 a month habit at it's peak. How did just taking a hit of ecstacy 4 years ago on New Years Eve become a habit ? And what of my desire to still do drugs. I haven't stopped. Not cold turkey. I don't buy anymore and I have distance myself from those influences - but if I'm drunk and it's offered to me by a friend or admirer - well sure. I still find myself craving the warm feeling, the distance from my problems, the lack of inhibition.

This weekend I partied.
There was coke,
there was pot,
there was ecstacy,
a bump of tina.

But like the lead actor in the film, how easy would it be to get pulled back in ?

I'm a much stronger person then I was after all the personal blows last year. I won't add a question mark to that sentence: I know and believe this to be true. I have conquered, even slain, many of my personal demons.

But what of the feelings that made me crave drugs - are they stronger then the experiences that tell me not to go back down the path? I should make mention that HERO doesn't do drugs - at all. It's not that he's stopped, it's that he never started. I had to keep pausing and explaining lingo and scenes throughout the film : that's a bullet honey, no-no he's smoking crystal now, oh actually that's just coke. In his sweet farm-boy way he asked what their like and I found myself cutting short the explanantions as I found myself wanting to not just describe them, but do them with him. To feel him under me - fucking away on G. To dance to Tony Moran with him in my arms each of us in a K-Hole. To get tweaked out of our brains when we can't take a step further when the clock hit 8am on a Sunday morning at a circuit party - to only find ourselves able to go another 6 hours.

I wanted to corrupt him. I wanted to show him the darker side of things - the sexy under belly if you will. Then I thought of that night - that magical night with Lucky at the Sony Pavaillion in SFO for Mondo Millenium New Years Eve 2000. It was gonna be just a hit and then ok maybe just a bump - but I'll never do 'G' or 'Tina'. Four months later at White Party we did 'Tina' - just a bit - we didn't want to miss the next party - we were up for three days. Six months after that standing at La Cage with the only hot couple in Milwaukee, sure "OK - I'll try G"...and it was good and I found I didn't want to be in a club (or a bathouse) without it. And then last summer, I could find any of them in my house at a given time: Coke, Crystal, Ecstacy, G. I would lie to my boyfriend about whatever I was on - knowing I wasn't allowed to do G - claiming I was slipped a mickey when I fell out on Halloween. Once I convinced my ex to go to couples counseling after a few bumps of K - it would open us up I said. There were good times on drugs - to many of them. Walking home in the snow with my buddies, after a bar, as the sun rose over the Chicago skyline - rolling, laughing, my body so alive. Hearing Lucky say I love you for the first time on the dance floor - Lighthouse Family singing in the background "You and me will be - together for enternity - together we wil be so Hiiiigggghh" . 'Kitty Vision' at a friends house for movie night friends and bumpers. They were great times.

And now I feel like I've shut the door on them...

and it's harder to feel those things

- that way

- again.

 

HERO's coming down from Flagstaff tonight so I'm planning a romantic night at my favorite wine bar and italian restaurant. To be followed of course by a lot of hot sex. No - I'm not tossing out the "L" word yet and won't for quite awhile - though I have agreed to keep my dick in my pants this weekend in Laguna Beach with C. and T. for the 4th of July.

Have a great 4th - I'll write upon my return.

...with his grey-blue eyes framed by tears, HERO turned, trembling and looked at me and said the words:

I'm in love with you.

There. It's been done. No going back now.

It was late, there had been a lot drinking, pool party, birthday party, drinks with friends.

I would feel a sudden nervousness, a pang of anxiety when he would go off to the bathroom or when he was out of my sight. A sense of loss when his hand wasn't holding mine.

I had been getting cajoled by my friends all day long about his age, his sweetness. They all accepted him, adored him even. He could win anyone over with his slowed-down, casual, Midwestern drawl and unconcious, inquisitiveness.

I had spent the day protesting.

No it wasn't getting too serious, No we're not boyfriends we're just dating

But - my friends watched me like I was something behind glass and they were studying me as I said these things. I'm not a lier - they know that, just like they knew that maybe I wasn't even convincing myself.

So now at the end of the night - heading back to my place for sex and sleep, he began to cry and he said the words.

Funny - I don't even know if I said thanks.

...less blogging lately and much more living.

It's frightening to write these words, but there is a major reason for my absence and it's a boy. I've gone on dates with a lot of terrific guys since Lucky and I broke up and nothing compares to the time I spend with this guy. I'm calling him HERO, maybe because of how he acts or maybe because he's making me believe in something that I thought I might give up on.

There so many things I want to write about him that I just don't dare, not yet - when it's all so new.

...but most importantly - he makes me laugh, and smile...and think.

I'll tell you more soon I'm sure.

The last 48 hours have involved unbelievably fun, mucho, mucho caliente sex. I haven't put in peformances like these in years - I feel like I just ran the Boston Marathon. My lips feel like they have razor burn - my special visitor will be spending the night again on Saturday after Big C's bday extravaganza. Tonight out to dinner with all the boyz to kick off C's bday (I got him a tattoo for his birthday).....really need to write, but honestly right now I'm more into just having fun in the real world. ciao.

great, great weekend....will post some pics tomorrow.

Best friend V. came in town last night - here through tomorrow - so having a blast having the house guest.

....I'll get back into the swing of things later this week..... have a special lil visitor coming down from Flagstaff to see me tomorrow night (yeah - sex)