Random List for Idle Thoughts:

• If I were Louie I'd lick your face (shit - I wouldn't stop there, but it's a start) til you smiled again
  
• How will I come off to you and you this weekend: Stud, Dork, or Friend.
  
• How much it sucked seeing the 'X' today.
  
• Veered from the anger and sadness and marched my ass to the gym.
  
• Haven't let my gym trips control me before this trip - if they like me, they like all of me including the love handles
  
• You have become a true and very cherished friend.
  
• The house has this uneasiness, this melancholy - without Baby here.
  
• I've laid out all the clothes, yet still yet to pack - something about this trip has that "bigger-than-it-is" feeling - like an epiphany or something is awaiting me in Chicago
  
• I am very, very excited to see the "L-Train", "Blue Eyes" and my whore-ish "Brother/Sister" this weekend...it will feel so good to be with these old friends again.
  
• I gotta get packing - sorry...think warm thoughts of yourself, someone should besides just me.

"The Great Dog Exchange" occurs tonight with the 'X'.

It hasn't for 2 weeks sinced he's been on back-to-back weekend vacations and Baby has been with me the whole time. For me this has been pure delight - waking in the middle of the night to find her pressed against me, having her to come home to, playing soccer in the back yard - it's weird, but I guess she's where all of my love was redirected to after the break-up. For the most part since the break-up Baby has been with me - I think this will only be the second time I will have gone an entire week without seeing her. Luckily I planned my Chicago weekend with this in mind and it makes it easier to be without my dog knowing I will be out of town for 4 of those 7 days anyway.

I'm pretty much sick to my stomach and have been since yesterday at the thought of seeing the 'X', we last spoke 2 weeks ago and since he has asked that we cut ties all together while he works through his anger and grieving - it makes it all the more uncomfortable to have to spend even a second, face-to-face with him today.

I honestly feel on the verge of throwing up.

It's these moments you just think - was it all worth it - was three years worth all of this bull-shit. I have to admit I'll turn a cold eye at any future relationships - I'm just wiped out with opening up a vein, a heart, my mind, my bed, (my ass), my wallet, my home, my family's home, my history, my circle of friends, whatever...

It's one of the things I hate about having come out so young (12)...I have had "many" boyfriends (though I have only 'loved' two) - not because I can't keep a relationship, but imagine if the majority (21 YEARS!!!) of your dating experience occurred between your teens and your twenties - OF COURSE you would have had a lot of boyfriends. So I have placed my heart on the blacksmiths anvil again and again, and again, and the marks of the scalding, burning, disfiguring, branding iron have left so many tracks, burns, scars and marks, that sometimes it's hard to find what's left of my heart.

...but somehow the fucker is always there
- beating lightly, but strong and steady - my whole damn life.

So I'll look at the 'X' today and despite any feeling, any hatred and any sensation that rifles through my body and mind - I still love him and a part of that heart will beat for and because of him.

....hmmm, this Chicago trip is shaping up interestingly....never really 'fearful' of traveling alone, especially in a city where I already call so many people friends...but with the wide collection of events and wide range of interests I want to hit circuit parties, leather bars, the regular bars, some downtown sites and time with friends from both Milwaukee and Chicago - I was a little worried that not everything will come together. And there's nothing worse then standing alone at a circuit party thinking, um, uh If the drugs kick in I guess I'll have the guts to just get lost in the crowd and make friends...but friends, old and new, seem to be pouring out of the woodwork and it looks like I'll have time alone and not alone.

See what happens when you mention out loud how bad you need to get laid.

Not In This Life

Lately I've been walking all alone through the wind and through the rain,
been walking through the streets and finding sweet relief in knowing it won't be that long,
Lately it's occured to me that I've had enough of that and lately I've been satisfied by simple things like breathing in and out.

Never again, not in this life, will I be taken twice.
Never again no, never on your life, will I make the same mistake.
I can't make it twice.

Oh lately it's occured to me exactly what went wrong.
I realized I comprimised.
I sacrificed far too much far too long.

Never again, not in this life, will I be taken twice.
Never again, not on your life, will I make the same mistake twice.
Starting out from here today, swear I'm gonna change my ways.
Once mistaken in this life - but never twice...

Never again, not in this life, will I be taken twice will I be taken twice.
Never again, not on your life , will I make the same mistake .
Never again, never on your life, will I make the smame mistake,
I can't make it twice.
Starting out from here today....

FROM: Ms Natalie Merchant

ALBUM: Motherland, Track 11.

SONG: Not In This Life

Don't worry if you scroll the dirty pics are still there....

...surreal weekend.

Running into a lot of faces from the not-so-distant past, not-so-distant future, soon to be shelved friendships and some being dusted off and put back on the shelf. It's odd how far reaching this break-up has been in my life - what people have attempted to take advantage of it, what people have offered more than they've asked and what people just can't be trusted. Sometimes you fell the person questioning and you can feel them leading - they want 'dirt', they crave 'gossip' - pulling, yanking, fucking with your emotional condition hoping to get something juicy to discuss over breakfast in the morning.

I saw "him" last night - not the 'Ex', the one I never talk about, the one who for some reason made my heart skip when I was in love with another man - the one who set the wheels in motion - how unhappy I had become in the relationship. I felt stupid - but glad that I had put extra thought and care in to what I was wearing - I had wanted to look good last night - sexy - but not sleazy, Intelligent but not unapproachable - did he get the nerd glasses with the wife-beater - the 'conflict' I was suggesting to my nature. Maybe an outfit shouldn't such deep-meaning, eh?

My younger companion - all of 20 - made it confusing to him - had I taken a younger lover to replace my 'Ex' ?? Maybe he didn't wonder at all. He hemmed and hawed - I made him nervous, he shifted from foot-to-foot...why is he boyish fear of me all the more compelling - but there was no time to find out and the bar was swimming with people and the 20 year old really wanted to be where everyone else was going - the one place - I knew I didn't and couldn't be...this single thing was becoming complicated...the 'date' from the other night would be there and so would the friend who I adored - who wants more from me, and now has laid it on the line to speak my mind on what that means to me - my cornered answer not being what he wanted to hear - my decision unsound - but based firmly in the unshakeable feeling that I'm just not ready - embarrassingly uneasy.

Once I was free from that first bar and I had convinced the 20 year old to go to Amsterdam and Boom instead - some of the tension moved away. He's a good kid and I think I'll probably take him under the wing and protect him in my paternal way, I tried to make it clear from the get go what this is - and what this is not. More familiar, strange and strangely familiar faces at Boom.

I drank, I bumped, I dropped - how did I used to be able to do this 3 nights in a row ??

I didnt even waste time going through the body concious crisis of image and just pulled of the shirts and looped them through my belt loops and created my world on the dance floor nestled between people I had known for 14 years and 14 minutes...I lost myself there til 4am, and declined the after-hour invitations, "But Everyones Going..." "You have to go - you can't go home yet?" "Here I'll drive with you"....No, No, and No thank you.

I just wanted to be with my dog, on my bed lying next to each other - the sound of her breath lazily spilling out as her black fur, her little body rises than falls...

It felt so unreal and then real last night - my old life, the relationship, the group of friends, the gym at 530pm, dinner at 7pm, then 'Everybody Loves Raymond' (his show, not mine) by 930pm, the structure of my days and the pattern of my nights, the sense of familiarity, normalcy and security - are all gone...

I fell sleeping into a small corner of my bed, almost taking up no room at all ...the bed neatly made this morning with ease - and excluding the space taken up by my dog - back to mine - curled in a ball at the small of my back...'his' side (in a bed he's never slept) remained unfilled - a reminder to the fact that I am still slowly moving on.

ok....so Chris and I started talking about how I cant take sexy pics of myself unless I'm a little buzzed, and this whole nipple pic thing and then the pics on this dear boys site - set me in motion to go maybe a step above or a side so, um , yeah, here ya go - me bored on a Friday night:







Begin the water-cooler chit-chat.....uh, now.

ok - not one to be left out, but not wanting my head cut off - sorry Greg, it's part of the package. :)

I give you my nipples:

5 Truths and 1 Lie : Revisited

• I once dated a US Olympic Speed Skating Coach. His legs and ass are still among the most amazing I've ever seen.
  
• Two of the guys I have dated have ended up in multiple porns and 1 in Playgirl.
  
• I was taught how to make a martini when I was 6.
  
• I am an agnostic.
  
• I have dent in my head from when I was struck in the head with a baseball bat when I was two.
  
• Even though I managed a 4.0 in every class I took in college, I flunked Calculus three times, getting me so worked up that I would either cry or vomit before exams - because I just couldn't get it.
  

...so this may seem shocking and I'm not giving any details yet, but I went on my first date last night - a simple dinner at a good restaurant - an incredibly deep and intellectual conversation and then a drink a Merc - afterwards. No sex, I didn't promise a second, it wasn't hell, I didn't open a wound a the wrist.

That's all I'm saying.

and by the way Chicago-area Bloggers be warned - I just confirmed my flights for 'Market Days' and my big 33rd Bday.....1 week and counting til I start having cheap, 1 night stand sex again...woo-hoo.

Advice 101 : A good buddy, one who has always been a touch stone in my life - told me today that his distance over the past few months is because he found out he tested positive. What is the ettiquite of the reaction to the statement ?? I didnt and dont know. I wanted to cry. But I just let him talk til he seemed like he didn't need to talk anymore. Then I just said "Hey - I love you". And then he turned the subject to my break-up and we moved on, but I feel like I fumbled the ball somehow - there was something missing in my reaction...but what?

...do you ever go to "expose" yourself to one of your friends or a new "interest" - I mean heart/soul/intellect here gutter-minded boyz (you know who you are *smirk*), and you fumble and stumble and tumble...and then your just kinda staring each other and there's this painful stabbing sensation in your head that says:

"I'm pretty sure by my explanation that this person thinks that I am a Satanist, masturbate to swedish kiddie porn, have had sex with livestock, yarn and the Ziegfried Follies and run naked covered in yams at midnight to find myself"

...uh, this was not the "self" I was hoping to expose.

Maybe I just sound better on paper.

ok - is it me, or my computer, but everytime I post lately I get "one chance" spell-checking, grammar be damned - every time I use the Blogger 'Edit' function and correct typographical errors the screen goes blank - anyone elses having this problem ?

I've become waaaaaaaaaay too much of a movie addict lately, but with the combination of a 65 inch TV (Yes, sometimes, size does matter) and the 6.1 surround sound I just can't get enough of my little "Movie Mayhem" get-away nights lately....though I admit I really need to lay off the kitty vision - I'm starting to lose touch with reality and my dog is looking at me funny, or maybe I'm starting to look funny and the dog is losing touch with reality - whatever ? But in all of the movies I have digested this weekend and weeknights I can't tell you how blown away I was by The Devils Backbone by Gullerimo Del Toro y Pedro Almodovar....storytelling at it's best for sure. And I love a good ghost story to boot (and I didnt mind the hot sexy latin bad guy either)....I also rewatched and re-fell-in-love-with "The Ice Storm" by Ang Lee (really cant get how one goes from this haunting and amazing look at the complexities of life, growing up, becoming and staying sexual to the 'The Hulk' but oh well - god knows I'm pretty scattered!)...I cried and cried and cried after wtaching this one, took a good half-hour of cuddling with my dog and then of course the whole LOVE BOMB experience the next day, to get over it.

To those who bombed me you know who you are....the feeling is more then mutual...and as for YOU, well I'll pondering the way to bring this love back to you as well...

....Damn, I gave new meaning to the lyrics of the old Lyold Cole ong "Lost Weekend"....fianlly went to bed arouns 2pm today - cat napped til six and then made soup. (It's good for the soul)....I was the offensive party boy this weeekend Connie, Kitty, Elaine, Valium.....enough numbing to pull off my shirt and shake my ass to the groovy beatys at BOOM... the tattoo is like a beacons amazing how well people have received it. I know the drugs helped my comfort level - but you know what - I WAS ME this weekend, raw, flirtatious, sexual, primal, funny - ME. I turned heads that had seen me a thousand times before - why now I wonder - why now to you fidnsome mystique to me. How hard to be the "Single Friend" - there werre smiles and touches and possibilities, but in a million years I couldn't even consider bedding someone down - ironic - my dick wants to play.plow.prod.poke. sooooooooo bad, but intstead I give hugs, amybe a peck on the cheek and mheart skips a beat wonder what the first time will be like. I was reckless and wrong, a force to be wreackoned with - a quiet storm building off the eastern front - I held an air of melancholy that may - or may not have made me more alluring....it's all so odd ya know. this new place.... singledom.

I thought about correcting all the grmmatical/seplling errors - but hey - what the fuck, right?

...it would be hard to say I've been anything but a bit of a downer lately...I really, truly am sorry. The irony is the past couple of days "in the real world", I've been this bouncy shiny happy being...it's oddly bi-polar. My pain is ebbing (pushed away by anger) and I've been spending time pushing through some hellish morning work-outs at the gym, walks then cuddling with the dog and hanging with friends who make me feel safe. If I've been remiss in writing, sharing, calling - it'll pass, I'll make you smile again soon, I want to hug you, tell you a dirty joke, mess with your hair, kiss you on your forehead, sucker-punch you in the arm - I want to make you not worry about me, and feel safe that I'll get through this, but needless to say - I know your there and I feel "sure" of you and that's all this queer lil boy trapped in a man's body could ever hope.

I used to rever you...
I'm trying hard to ignore you...
But now I resent you...
I wish that I could forget you...


You have nothing to offer...
You see there is no second chance here...
Theres no looking back now...
You know theres nothing to work out...


It shouldn't be so hard for you to understand....
Why should I wait for you to come around......
there's no way out...theres no way out....theres no way out...


There's no way out


It shouldn't be so hard for you to understand....
there's no way out...theres no way out....theres no way out...
Why should I have to wait for you to come around......
there's no way out...theres no way out....theres no way out...
Can't you see I want my own part of love...
there's no way out...theres no way out....theres no way out...

(From Side 1, Track 11 - just wait a minute til it kicks in - "No Way Out" by Highland from Paul Oakenfeld "Perfecto Presents Another World")

remember that movie "Fargo" by the Coen Brothers - remember the scene where the one guy stuffs the other guy into the wood chipper - tonight I felt like that "other guy" - wood chip anyone? Thanks sweetheart.

Meeting with the "X" for dinner tonight. Not sure why I'm doing this to myself - lately as he works himself through the anger stage he shows little more for me then contempt. It's a funny feeling to be hated by someone who once thought the world began and ended with you - now he can barely speak to me as if I was another human. At times I find myself just tired - mentally and physically exhausted of trying to be understanding, trying to appreciate why he feels this way and needs to be so cold to me. I guess I just wonder why I don't just start going this direction myself - feeding off of all the shitty things he said and did that motivate me to finally say goodbye. I'm trying to be bigger then this - I'm not perfect - far from it - at the end of the relationship I began to chill towards him as well, I shuddered everytime he went to touch me, I dreaded time alone with him, I fought the urges to bite off his head every time he commented on another man.

Embarassingly I have purchased 8 shirts to choose from - hoping to be handsome, but not look like I'm trying. I bought a new pair of Steve Maddens hoping to look cool, trendy, but not like I'm trying. I'll leave work early to have a nice haircut - high and tight - to look clean and younger, but not like I'm trying. My nerves so raw my face keeps breaking out, I'll try to clear or conceal, but not look like I'm trying. It seems so sad, so embarassing how hard I am ... not trying.

I keep sketching out plans for the "Heartbreak Time Machine" - this savior vessel that will teleport me to a future where our hearts have both mended, we've blocked out the arguments and sadness that began to bleed into everyday of our existance. But I can't seem to find all the parts that make the machine work - I can make it fly on paper - I can envision it taking away the pain and whisking it all away to a place that's better...but beyond that all I have to show for the labor is pieces of paper ripped, torn and crumpled - vagrants hanging desolately around a garbage can.

So here I go again stepping into traffic on a busy highway, hoping I'll side-step the semi's, jostle my way around the winnebagos and jump over the convertibles. Know that at some time tonight I'll be in tears, shoulders shaking, head in my hands and I'll be wondering when the time machine will come pick me up - maybe think a good thought for me - wish me through this - even, sketch your own time machine...and pass your thoughtful hand - ever so gently across my cheek to catch the tears before they drop to the ground.