Bill has been busy arranging his links by Astrological inclination, I feel that I too should reorganize my site's links (plus add some of the great new bloggers I've come across) in some systematic order (I used to use "Lusts", "Sweethearts" and "Loves", but let's face it I'm fickle and kept moving you all around too much) - I have decided to come up with a new system: "the penis".

Jonno innocently asked (can Jonno really do ANYTHING innocently??) me, "How will you determine the pecking order of the peckers?"

Well, I can't decide. Length first, then girth, or vice-versa?...should cut and uncut be subcategories? Will fellow Bloggers be honest? Will I need to demand photo's (oh please let me DEMAND photo's). And what of the great debate over showers vs. growers (seriously I always considered myself to be in the later, until the great debate over the "angel" picture and the suspected "squirrel" nesting in my cargo pants) - is that yet another sub-category?

Uh - What??? - there's some sort of sinking noise - WOOOOOOSHHHHHH!!!!!!!!, oh Shit! My blog really has sunk this low to have material hasn't it?

I am my complete sense of shame - I'm outta here.

Well the drought may be ending, I actually had a call for an interview today (of course it won't be til next Wednesday - but hey imagine an anal, over-achiever like me with a whole WEEK to prepare !!!)...once again I felt an incredible need to "HAVE FUN WITH KEYWORD SEARCHES", not only am I doing a free lance project for a local gallery helping them with their search engine submissions and Meta tags but I have remained somewhat baffled by the keywords that are bringing unsuspecting visitors to my mixed up world. So without further ado/adieu/adoo-doo I have winners in not one, but THREE categories for keywords used to find my site via a search engine:

• For most accurate and stereotyping keyword phrase:     LIL HORNY BITCH
  
• For somehow most poetic and surreal:     SIX DEGREE'S OF SEPERATION
  
• For most "WhatInTheBlazesAreYouSearchingForShitLikeThisYouFuckingFreak?":     TEENAGE GIRLS AND PERIODS
  
  Whew! Now didn't that just beat the pants off of last years Emmy's (Personal Note: I was wearing a spectacular Mackie gown during the reading of the winners, but do to an unfortunate incident with me scratching my panty-less, crotch the scene was censored by the National Broadcasting Association For Decency In Blogging and E-Entertainment's Fashion Emergency)
  
  I am greatly amiss (am I making up the spellings of words again?) in mentioning that on Friday I actually was graced with the honor of hearing the voice of my "If-I-Wasn't-Happily-Married-And-Your-Husband-Wasn't-So-Much-Better-Looking-Then-Me-I-Would-Make-You-My-Personal-Hump-Back-Whale" favorite blogger: Jonno. He sounded as sexy, smart and cute as I would have ever imagined - felt like I was hopping on the phone with someone I had been chatting with everyday for years.

Either I'm still trying to figure out if I missed a scene in this (I mean I really enjoyed it - Tilda Swanson is amazing - but there seems to be some character development missing or something to justify each character's motivation and actions.)

OR I was suffering from a vicious concussion from kicking myself in the head for wasting an hour of my life watching John Carpenter's "Ghosts of Mars" - needing to be renamed "Space Lesbians VS. Alice Cooper Wannabe's of Mars" (it would have been more than an hour - but I only stayed that long because I wanted to finish my Red Vines)


OR maybe I was just still reeling from my coffee-talk with Chris, but either way I have somehow missed the chance to blog the last few days.

BTW - Chris was great, he makes you want to open-up a six-pack and watch "Mystery Science Theater 2000" - he's the type of cute, cool guy who doesn't put on airs and doesn't expect any of you (he even made more sense than both the movies combined).

The rest of the weekend I found myself ending up at the same local bar three nights in a row - diversity be dead, my friends here love the familiar!

On my job quest today, so I need to focus my thoughts elsewhere - I swear to be more entertaining (or something) next time....

Don't worry beautiful I would never result to THAT, crap I may need to sell my body and obviously my asking price will be cut in half without the full package. I mean I don't have Choire doing things like THIS for me.

I find it a little creepy that someone out there came across my site using the keyword combination:

"Gay+Father+Son+Pics"

Try there keywords next time:

"Freak+Seeking+Therapist"

Great Moment: Running into old friends of my boyfriend's when visiting him at his bartenders gig on Friday night after seeing Hedwig and the Angry Inch.

Bad Moment: Running into old friends of my boyfriend's when visiting him at his bartenders gig on Friday night and realizing that all six of us have been laid off from our jobs in the past month to 6 months (and the 6 monthers are STILL unemployed and we all seem to be applying for the same jobs)

Great Moment: Sitting in row 12, seat 13 - behind home plate at the DBacks vs Cubs game on Saturday night for one of the most exciting games I've ever attending.

Bad Moment: The skill it took for that daredevil pigeon to find and target the guy sitting in row 12, seat 13 - behind home plate at the DBacks vs. Cubs game....during the bottom of the 8th.

Great Moment: Running into my best friend from high school at Charlies on Saturday Night.

Bad Moment: Realizing that you are running into your best friend from high school (who you haven't see in 14 years) and your sooooo drunk from 4 bomber-sized Samuel Adams at the DBacks ball game, 3 "way-to-easy-to-ingest" Mandarin&Tonics at Roscoes and you have just made the inebriated decision to walk around the bar with your shirt off because you and the AB Roller have been very intimate these days.

Great Moment: My boyfriend "being in the mood" all weekend.

Bad Moment: Being oblivious to the fact that my boyfriend was "in the mood" because I passed out as soon as my drunk, shirtless, bird-pooped-on-ass, crawled into bed Saturday night.

---

Am I the only one whose confused? Doesn't Johnny Cochrane normally "defend" the Shark?? I can't find a damn link for it, but Tuesday morning on CNN, they interviewed Cochrane who has been retained to defend the man who was attacked at the resort and his wife claims wasn't aided by the lifeguards. My thoughts are with the lifeguards - "I'm not going in the water and playing fish bait" - SMART MOVE BOYS, you'll never make the BayWatch auditions without a leg, of course I would be more nervous about waving any of my remaining limbs in front of Cochrane.

Woof, I'm feeling a little wiped out. Need to go swallow a boat load of 5-HTP and get my ass in gear. The wedding was stunning - Les was literally the most beautiful bride I have ever seen (living or in film) and well Mark was pretty damn pretty himself. The boyfriend, myself and another gay couple had a pretty hysterical time confusing the straight, single chicks (Damn those boys dance well - um, but why are they dancing together?)

Lucky and I were more digustingly in love by the end of the weekend. At one point while dancing at Detour (Hamburger Mary's/Kickers Sunday Tea Dance) I just sat on the edge of the dance floor and discreetly watched my boy doing his thing on the dance floor - a hot, buff little vixen came up to strike up conversation and I smiled and informed him I was kinda busy checking out my boyfriend - he turned to me and said "well if he's your boyfriend why aren't you out there dancing with him?" - "Because", I said "Sometimes you just have to take a few steps back to see what ya really got"...not sure he got it, or I was just rolling, but wow, what a moment.

Anyway - todays D-Day B-day - the big 32. I'm gonna go get all the pics from the weekend developed, hit the gym, get some sun, lunch with my folks, Lucky set me up for a massage this afternoon, then dinner and drinks with my boy and then maybe hit Roscoes. Nothing fancy, no fan fare, no hoopla - I MUST be getting older. ;)

Alrighty, I'm off to the lovely couple pictured in this photo's wedding - never have you met a lovelier, more open-minded and just cool to be around couple in your life. The boy and I take off tomorrow morning and since the impending (and in light of my current unemployed circumstances) 32nd Bday is Tuesday - I'll be having some beach and "other stuff" R&R for the next few days. Be good to yourselves!

In just a scant 9 months the world could be bouncing the first human clone/baby upon it's knee. Sure there's no way around the moral issues and questions raised by the "Stem Cell/Cloning Controversy" - Is this really a humanitarian effort to assist childless couples by the worldwide scientific community, or a convention of modern day young Frankensteins ("Shhhhhh, be veeeeerrry careful of the stairs, they can be very twwweacherooooouuuuuuussss")

But hey - that's sophisticated mumbo jumbo for another day - today let's take a look at "The Softer Side of Sears, oops - I mean Cloning". Imagine the fun possibilities that cloning ourselves, our friends and favorite celebrities offer's us:

• You could have the age-old "It's not you, it's me" conversation for hours with your clone.
  
• Be on first name terms with cloning celeb's like Dolly the Sheep and George Bush (before arguing that he's not a clone - think twice about it)
  
• Finally the truth is known, am I as good in the sack as I think I am??
  
• No more "Entertainment Tonight" segments on will Katie Couric move to another morning show - she'll be on ALL the morning show's, Katie clones EVERYWHERE.
  
• "One-of-a-Kind" outfits ????!!!!! Forgettaboutit !!!! Your dressing for 2, 3, 4, maybe 8 now!
  
• No more boring dinner's with the In-Laws, meetings with the boss, conversations with your boyfriend (just kidding honey!), let your clone pick-up the slack.
  
• Let's really fuck with the census people!
  
  No matter how you slice it (ba-dum-bum) cloning is fun for everyone!!
  (The views expressed on this web site and within this blog are not supported by anyone even the person making them. This blog will self destruct in 30 seconds...
  1....2....3...4....5....6....7...8....9....10....for god's sake go SAFE yourself !)

  

Hmmm, is it me or is there something in the air??

First Jonno, Now Blogstalker.

Bloggus Interruptus, Writer's Block, Artistic Apathy....what's going on in Blogville ???

Do we suddenly get tired of trying to be interesting?

Do we suddenly feel tied and bound to our computers and our blogs?

Is the summer heat just too much ?? ("it is too hot to blog, we must fuck now" - you need to have seen "Body Heat" to get this attempt at wit)

Or is it something far more insidious (like the Bush administration) ?

Seeing that I spaced on blogging for the last 6 days I know I'm starting to sail in the same boat (but what sexy shipmates I have) so for all involved I have decided to make a list of possible blog subjects to blog on:

• "Blogville Death Matches" . Much like "Celebrity Death Matches" we begin to pair bloggers of different belief's and ideoligies to spar in a cage (ala "Mad Max and the Thunderdome"). Right now I am scouring web sites looking for a Black-haired, White-faced Goth Master into Marilyn Manson to get a Broadway Musical-sized ass-whooping from the lovable Mermaniac
  
• "Love Life Inventory". We've inventoried our fridges, bathroom cabinets and wardrobes, how 'bout our love lifes? Write a chronological tell-all blog detailing the crushes, the CRUSHES, the flirtations, the loves, the losses and the "if I ever see that bastard in a dark alley even the rats will run scared" 's. Please supply full names, mailing addresses, photographs and any embarrassing answering machine messages....we, uh need these for, uh, um - references.
  
• "Pick the Missing DC Intern". Sleuthing after the fact is fun, but pulllllllleeeeeeezzzzeee, let's get in the game and pick the intern "before" her DCA sleaze-bag, pretty-boy, politician boss has her knocked off by his psycho brother (I mean not like it happened that way). Qualities to look for: Unique/Confusing first name, "Glamour Shots" taking at the mall, enjoys affairs with older, married men.
  
• "Role Reversal". Well sure pretty much all of us in this reader's circle are gay (We're FABULOUS!) but how would the point of views of our web sites change if we were straight - I mean I'm sure if I was straight I would be obsessed with sex, always cracking witty/smart ass commentary at life at large, be unemployed and working out every day...oh, uh, aw shit - same Blog, never mind!
  
• "Confuse an UnAccompanied Minor". Actually this is more or less the theme for a new FOX reality show I'm pitching where we take innocent, frightened, unaccompianed minors and then place them on major airlines and make them feel like luggage (you think your gonna end up WHERE ??? buhahahahahahahahaaha!!). The show will incorporate great close-ups of the little cherub's faces as we put them on a coast-to-coast connecting flight from ATL-ORD-DEN-PHX-SFO, whoooooo - non-stop laughs - I'm tearing up as I write.

Ok, checking out Jonno's blog and see his reference to taking a gay test and thought "Oh well it's not 830am yet - I can take the test and still hit the gym" (yeah, yeah - my days still aren't tremendously busy and I'm STILL looking for a job...anyone need a slightly rumpled but loveable Director of Marketing/Interactive Strategist??)

So I'm 68% gay...but the typical Gay Male is only 51% gay - WHAT??? So I'm 17% more gay then the average gay guy taking this test - and on the world wide average of 68K respondants I was 29% more gay - UH?

Ok, I like to be an overachiever but have always secretly relished my title as one of those guys you weren't quite sure would punch ya or fuck ya if you hit on him. A couple of my buddies have some name they have created for me, something like the "rough-trade deceiver" - but now the truth is out, I'm not "all man", but a "big girl". ;)


I know it's the sex questions that did me in.

• First Kiss with a guy: 12
  
• Came Out: 16
  
• Number of Men I've Slept with: !@#$$ (uh, not telling - I was a horny lil shit before marriage)
  
• Group Sex: Yes, please (oops - I mean yeah I tried it)
  
  Oh well I've lived the lie, I'm moving "gayly" forward - wish me luck.

Damn! I have no energy to rewrite the post I wrote today but since it was basically an artillery of venom against organizations like this, I'll let you get riled up yourself.

Oh - I am in a much, much better mood today thanks to a wonderful weekend with the boyfriend (Sex, Beer, Friends and cathartic talks)

Congrats to Bill/ Mermaniac on his 24 hour Blogging-polloza and inspiration of nudity all over the world!

I don't think you want to see what's in my head today. I better go catch a flick or something - I feel like crawling into someone else's world today. xoxo.

I am the emotional, whirling dervish, oscillating wildly 'tween rapture and despair, giggles and fits.

I hate being an emotional roller-coaster - rickety-crick-creak, rickety-crick-creak as the rusty red rollercoaster car climbs the first incline, the wheels grasping weakly - desperately to the rails

(the boyfriend leaves for work - the roomate leaves for work, it's me and the cats again - I feel like a mother seeing her kids off to school then turning to face an empty & lonely house - no remnants of feeling of "home" remain. Fuck the gym today I think - I'm just not in the mood, I start the laundry, make the bed, do the dishes *naked if that makes it less boring*, when all is done I notice how the quiet floods in from every corner - the tv snaps on with the press of my thumb - angry teenage girls - from periods to prostitution - shit, not in the mood for this...gym clothes go on and I'm out the door)

- rickety-creak-crick-clap, rickety-crick-creak the rollercoaster car halts, stalls, then lunges down the hill of iron and wood, the wheels scream - "I can hold on" and metal slips on metal, as sparks dance

(I get to the gym, I hit the bike and pound my legs, sweath pours forth, a "by chance" conversation with an old friend spotted while we crunch against inflatable balls. I tell him my story and he offers words that are chosen and wise - I believe they call it "advice". I feel exhilirated, I feel bold, I want to race back into the day.)

- clap-grip-clap-steel, rickety-crick-creak the rollercoaster car grabs hold and shakes the steel, pulling up the tracks, grunt-grunt-grunt.

(A call placed to my old employer. The fake motherly bitch from HR - "Oh so good to hear from me, oh how am I, oh how they miss me" - what?? "Oh no dear we haven't got your final check, Oh no we weren't doing that to the end of the month, Oh you know things are tough here at the agency to, Oh I don't think we owe you for that much vacation time". My blood boils, my eyes could bore holes. The boyfriend calls - I want to be understood - I want to be heard - I want some sweetness - his timing is bad - not his fault. )

- wooooooooooosh, the rollercoaster trembles-jerks-flails as it tears down the rails - the sparks, turn to flames. The rollercoaster is on fire.

ok - the look of my site has got to change - sooooooon. I just am screwed if I try to do any coding on my boyfriends computer (can you believe 24MB of RAM ???? Thank god the man has everything else going for him). I have a domain reserved and could just move the all site over to it, but I'm just kinda apathetic about taking on the project. Actually that's kind of a lie - it's more than apathetic - it's like this feeling where everytime I tell myself to just start the project with the intention of finishing it - my whole body just involuntarily does this squirming thing (since I no longer have medical coverage I feel I should avoid these seizures as much as possible).

So Lucky's at school and the roomate is MIA or BOMC (Back of Milk Carton), perhaps I'll add him to my new take off on "www.amihotornot.com" that I've been talking about in the side bars, called: http://www.amimissingornot.com

I'm bored, really bored. I could read. I could call friends. I've already jerked off twice. I just - aw shit, here comes that seizure again....

I was never this lazy, I just don't feel like being holed up in the house by myself, and well, a year has passed - it's not like there is anyone I can just call up and say "Hey - you wanna go have coffee with me and discuss, well - me". I'm looking for a break-through conversation, a slap my ass and call me sonny epithany, a lightbulb that bursts above my head and showers sparks deep into my soul, anyone got the time - the right words - a strong spanking hand ???

et-i-quette\ 'e-ti-ket\ n. : the forms prescribed by custom or authority to be observed in social, official, or professional life. (synonyms: proprietary, decorum, decency, diginity

Perhaps it's how we are raised, or even more so, maybe it's who we "chose" to be in later life - but I find my move back to be an interesting lesson in etiquette and behavior.

Why do people who know me socially feel a need to comment on my move back to AZ with such clever statements as "Why would you do something so stupid?", why do people neglect to celebrate with my boyfriend and I the very significant and life changing decision to move in together (I deem it as extremely important and not an everyday occurence - I mean I would have gotten a friend in this situation a card to celebrate this big step in their life with the person they loved) and why do people strike a coorelation between "unemployed" and "free time". I feel busier than ever, try looking for a job in today's economy and see how much of your time it absorbs (add on to that packing up and moving 2,000 miles then moving in and there's no time left) - but I have had several people ask me - "Well what do you do all day??"

In light of this I am beginning the list of the follow prepared responses:

I sort through "your" garbage - and I am shocked.

Prepare for my walk-on role on "The Nanny" - what it's not on the air anymore - bastards ! That's why they haven't returned my calls.

Chase my tail in circles.

Watch porn, lot's of porn. heh-heh.

Masturbate - frequently. (often paired with the above response when the person responds - "no, really?"

Drink rubbing alcohol with my old gal-pal Kitty Dukakis - fill'er up sistah!

Contemplate my navel

I have rewritten "Little Women" to include more sex, drugs and references to shower-nozzle masturbation.

Watch "Where Are They Now" segments praying for more news on lovable TV star, Tina Yothers.

Play "Where's Chandra?"

Rewrite history - we now own Sweden lock, stock and barrell.